"Let's Begin" diary (rantings toward liberation)

Journal
244

Thank you @ncubeanelem :pray:
Iā€™m doubting my reasons and the way Iā€™ve conducted myself, and realize I may be the awful one, but I canā€™t shake of the fact that she is married to her friend, though Iā€™ve stayed with them twice and he was cool about me (and apparently encouraged it) it is a loving marriage whoā€™ve worked through real life problems.
Weā€™ve been so intimate for 5 years talking almost everyday and started meeting up twice a year.

I feel gutted for how Iā€™ve treated her many times with my careless time keeping, being swayed by others, paranoia about whether she is messing me around (which is the biggie) defensiveness, and a couple of times stonewalling. All because I donā€™t trust her or I want something else.

1 Like
245

Sat 21st

Still feeling sad today, but getting better. When I get any msgs or emails there is anxious anticipation it might be her, but I hope not, because sadly those feelings where to strongest in the relationship.

I went to morning Mass today, confession, and cried for any pain I caused her.

Had a nice breakfast out, on my own. I had some arguments or frustrations with my friend asking me ā€œany developments?ā€ Because it felt so light hearted and prying, waiting to give advice. I know, heā€™s just trying to help and do something, and show he cares. I shouldnā€™t get so ratty.
Why things like that are annoying is because, when we act like that, ā€œwhat can do I?ā€ And make plans to do something for someone, we can fall into the trap of making it about ourselves and not actually the person we are trying to love.

I realize it could be hypocritical of me to use those words, as there is probably a lot of lies I might tell myself :pray:

In the day, I slobbed, lay down, feeling tired and a bit sad, sort of played guitar, learning some new things half heartedly through YouTube (phone), scrolling, and relapse.

This evening went out with a couple of friends for food. It was relieving not having to worry about rushing, or being home at a certain time, or needing to msg or organize what time, or something in the back of my mind through the day until I know.
Thatā€™s what relationships can be likeā€¦
(Well,ā€¦ looking at it now, itā€™s because I have multiple relationships/responsibilities to others)

Itā€™s gone 11:30pm now. We used to finish chatting around now, or a bit later.
(Just as I finish writing - I get a msg from her)

2 Likes
246

I would like to tell you a quote I learned in the Navy. I use it now for my NoFap commitment.

Suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret

I hope that this helps. It has helped me a lot in tough situations.

God bless you Brother and donā€™t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our Redeemer lives.

1 Like
247

Wow !! Youā€™ve been in the Navy !! I want to salute you brother :saluting_face: . Its an aspiration for me earlier to get into Army , Navy or Airforce but my parents were too concerned for me and didnt allow me.

1 Like
248

Yes I was in the Navy for only 5 months because of medical conditions I was discharged. I was suicidal at that time because of my condition that I am trying to overcome now.

249

Understood Sir !! If God has made u strong to overcome such thoughts , I am sure God has already made you strong to get out of this addiction. Its just a matter of patience.

All the best Sir !!

1 Like
250

Mon 14th Oct

It is time to walk in the light of the truth, from this day and on.

3 Likes
251

Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. When the fight gets tough just keep fighting. When you are down for the count just get back up and fight again.

2 Likes
252

Tues 12th Nov

To do list;
Hydrate
Exercise
Eat the rainbow
Good sleep

Today I signed up for the gym again.
Yesterday I visited but only to relax using the sauna/steam room.
In the evening I attended evening Mass, and want to get back into the routine.

Lord, make me new, make me whole again :pray:

4 Likes
253

Wednesday 13th

Attended morning Mass.
I really appreciate your likes @Believer @user1234567890 @Forerunner
God Bless you guys :pray:

Iā€™ve been struggling so much lately, depressed, And foolish still.
Lord, Iā€™m not good and need you each day and in all moments.
Make me whole again, help me to stay close to You, help me to love and be a loving person again.

5 Likes
254

Letā€™s make today good :pray:

4 Likes
255

1 Thessalonians 5:23,24 (KJV)

And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

So you see my friend we must sanctify ourselves in spirit and soul and body and be blameless when Jesus comes to call His children home. You can be faithful because He has called you.

God Bless you Brother and donā€™t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our Redeemer lives.

4 Likes
256

Amen, Brother! It reminds me of the words from an old hymn:

I need Thy presence every passing hour;
What but Thy grace can foil the tempterā€™s powā€™r?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

God bless you, too, Brother! :smiling_face:

4 Likes
257

  1. Mindful awakening

  2. Gratitude practice

  3. Energizing exercise

  4. Nourishing breakfast

  5. Intention setting

  6. Digital detox

  7. Mini meditation

  8. Positive affirmations

  9. Embrace downtime

  10. Plan the day

4 Likes
258

Thank you guys @ncubeanelem @Forerunner @Believer @user1234567890

4 Likes
259

Thurs 14th

Breakfast: berries/yogurt, cereal, coconut water.
Lunch: eggs, bacon, beans, cheese, toast.
Supper: Salmon/egg sauce, sweet potato fries, peas.

Not as much as it looks, I need to eat more and regain my appetite. Tomorrow, I want to go to Mass, take my friend out for breakfast, then buy some Japanese ingredients, Natto, rice, nori, And daikon to make tsukemono. I wonā€™t be able to work until 3pm, so, Lord, keep me mindful, keep me mindful in all things Lord. The gym is calling.

With ā– ā– ā– ā– , I feel Iā€™ve hit rock bottom, but I joke, thatā€™s where the exit is usually found :sweat_smile:

Choir practice this evening, Iā€™m very grateful for it every time, and the choir members, my friends/family.

3 Likes
260

That hymn is absolutely beautiful! :heart:

2 Likes
261

(Friday)
Itā€™s a crying moment. God is good, and people here are doing His work.

I gave over todayā€¦I cry, and just want to be close to God.
Iā€™ve been a mess for a few months, so Iā€™m glad to cry.
Good people exist, donā€™t forget it.

I went to Mass this morning, took my friend out for a good healthy Turkish breakfast,ā€¦
I didnā€™t go out and get any fancy Japanese ingredients, but became slothful, sat back, watched some anime, played guitar (with no real intent but to relax) ; I deserve to relax, Iā€™ve done some good today, thereā€™s no rush to do anything, thereā€™s nothing wrong with pampering and taking it easy. I canā€™t use the workspace until later anyway, and I donā€™t really need to get food bits. The gym, wellā€¦nah, Iā€™ll just relax

:thinking: So, thatā€™s who Iā€™m up against.
That, or change my approach.

Remember NoFap is easy - why? :thinking: Or how so?
Because itā€™s simply a choice not to do something.

Why you do it will leads you to the reasons you do it. You do it because it feels good. It feels good because you are needing something to feel good, and you do this because you are not happy, settled but disturbed with/or in certain moments of life needing a ā€˜feelā€™ good buzz to take away any displeasure. Just a quick shot of ā€˜heroinā€™

And so, you think happiness isnā€™t found in life, but in ignoring it.

(Saturday)
Freedom from ā– ā– ā– ā–  and lust is not a challenge.
So what I relapse yesterday and today, the fact still remains ā– ā– ā– ā–  or no ā– ā– ā– ā–  is a choice. There is nothing else to comprehend, no details but standing outside of yourself to look at yourself as another person.

Freedom is a simple choice, nothing more, nothing less. Youā€™ve realized it a couple of times before.

Donā€™t waste your time on being strong, but wake up.

Yes, I do need to make effort but only the effort to concentrate on what is worth it.
Not being ā€˜strongā€™ ā€¦ abstaining,ā€¦ avoiding,ā€¦ Or even particular tools to help. I know at the moment I ā€˜feelā€™ like I donā€™t believe my own words and lack spirit, but I know they are true.
What am I actually doing right now? ā€¦Iā€™m not looking at ā– ā– ā– ā–  but writing with an anime playing in the background, but I could just as easily be sleepingā€¦ No ā– ā– ā– ā–  or lustful thoughts involved, ā€¦just the choice to do what I chooseā€¦

Donā€™t waste your energy on worthless thoughts.
God has always given you a way out.

Where you go wrong might not be in that you enjoy ā– ā– ā– ā– , or seek to avoid uncomfortable feelings/thoughts,ā€¦but perhaps the thinking that things are uncomfortable or discomforting,ā€¦and the reason why? Because again, itā€™s a choice to think about it in whatever way you choose.

3 Likes
262

Long ramble, lacking spirit, not very relieving, believable or completely conclusive, but so what? I am the boss, and it is my job. I can pick it up or put it down when I want. Nobody has a gun to my head.

God is good, because in Him we find our Home and our family here on earth in this life.

Thereā€™s so much to say, but letā€™s leave it there for tonight

3 Likes
263

Long ramble? Nah, youā€™re good, Brother! :smile: :+1: You say as much, or as little, as you want to! This is your diary.

Iā€™m sorry about your relapse :pensive:, and I know itā€™s disheartening when it happens. But as you said, you have a choice, and one of those choices is to begin again, and not give up. The only way that you become a failure is if you give up completely. Thank God for His mercy and patience with us! I know Heā€™s brought you too far and through too much to let you give up now! Iā€™ll do my best to add you to my prayer list. God bless you! :smiling_face:

3 Likes