For those of you who are following me, I jist wanted to say I sort of relapsed. I felt bad that I relapsed, and I regretted it because I knew it was definitely not worth it. It was in a weak moment, and it’s hard to visualize what it feels like unless you have been there yourself. Basically last night I had a wet dream, and it threw me off and made me take a peek at some “safe” porn. I thought the brainwashing was gone, so I continued with my day. In the evening, I got the urge to look at the “safe” porn again. Seeing as I akready looked at it while on this streak, I sort of figured why not look one more time? I did it before. If it was a relapse, I should have reset this morning. But that led me down the slippery slope even further, and eventually I decided I crossed the red line. I stopped before I could finish the deed, and I’m glad I did, because I know that there really is no pleasure in masturbation, and the “pleasure” feeling only lasts for a few seconds. The real addiction in porn is the search and seek that leaves the brain wanting more. I failed to recognize the addictive voice inside my head. All I knew was that in that moment, I wanyed a fix, and I didn’t care about my “small” 14 day streak that I worked so hard to get. But the truth is 14 days wasn’t small for me. I felt guilty afterwards. I didn’t want to throw away this streak. But the truth is, I’m not restarting from scratch. The rewiring has still been achieved, and I will continue to rewire my brain. I just felt bad resetting the counter, so I downloaded another app to keep counting that streak. My 14 day streak is still counting in another app to encourage me to keep going and to remind me that one slip up on a bad day does not put me back on 0. Guys I’m sorry for writing such a long post. Sometimes it just makes me feel better to let my thoughts out, and I think it can help some of you who are in a similar place.
This is an important thing to note! If you ever cross the red line and you don’t want to reset your streak, reset it ASAP! Don’t make excuses. You can keep the counter going somewhere else if you want, but keep a counter where you can stay true to yourself. Say, “I vowed never again to do this, and I did it. It is a relapse. A small one, but still a relapse.” If you reset the streak early on, it won’t bite you back later. Later on, you won’t be thinking, “I already sort of relapsed. I didn’t want to reset the counter, though. The counter isn’t really accurate now. I feel like I should just relapse and then reset it, and at least it will feel accurate.” This conversation has happened in my head multiple times before. Also, don’t ever think, “My counter is now at zero. I should just relapse now while it is still early on. It won’t make a big difference.” It does make a big difference. If you choose to relapse then, you are back in the brainwashing. You think there really is a benefit to porn. Don’t be brainwashed.
Moral of the story is, I relapsed, but I don’t crave porn anymore, but I’m sure the urges will come, since I gave in, and I am just glad not to want to do that nasty stuff anymore. Also do you guys have any advice on wet dreams?