After reading some other dairies i have decided to start my own.
This won’t be for ever, just for as long as is necessary (at least 8 months or so). I have stsrted with a quick run down of where I am at now and how i came to be here. Some of my struggles may be relatable, or something you would never have a problem with, if someone had told me in early 2019 that i would be typing this i would never have believed them for one second. But here we are.
My father told me “not to get too used to the masterbation feeling” at the age of 14.
So as far as I knew, ■■■■ was just a “naughty” picture and masterbation was ok, as long as you didn’t do it too often.
I got a phone in december 2018 aged 17 and so started a year long ■■■■ binge, watching an hour or 2 every week and masterbating roughly twice a week.
If anyone had told me what would happen next I would have quit on the spot.
In November 2019 I was binging on ■■■■ as usual when I saw a guy advertising blowjobs for free. I knew right and wrong but my mind was so messed up that I met the guy and had a ■■■■■■■ that very afternoon.
Of course, once it was done confused and annoyed because that act was completely against my nature (or at least I thought it was).
Anyway I basically got hooked on getting blowjobs, paying escorts or finding men to do it for free, this continued monthly. Everytime I would tell myself never again but would still lose the fight a few weeks later.
In late 2020 I finally began to fight back properly, trying ■■■■ blockers and finally settling on one called BlockP.
I joined rewire in 2021 (left for a bit but I’m back now.and stopped fantasizing and watching ■■■■. I started getting handjobs instead of blowjobs (i thought itcwas less of a bad thing) but still couldn’t figure out how to stop doing it all together. Finally through reading various books I was able to get to almost no masterbation and ■■■■, and almost stop getting handjobs.
This is what I want to achieve in the next 6 months
Figure out how to better fight the occasional but very strong urges to browse websites for handjobs and escorts (browsing leads to temptation which leads to the act and failure) (James 1:14)
Reduce ■■■■ and masterbation right down to 0
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inor weak moment. I found a site with explicit content. Watched about 45 seconds of content the closed and blocked
It. This is the kind of slip up I am trying to stop now, so that as soon as the idea comes to me I stop it straight up.
Here is my new plan. Each time I have that urge I will just make a very short diary entry with psalm 34:14 “Turn from evil. Do what is good. Seek peace, pursue it earnestly”.
I have decided to reset the counter for even the most minor, tiny slip up because I am aiming for the highest standard. Ephesians 5:3
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Having strong desires this afternoon, but i will seek peace and pursue it. Its funny because every time i open this app a temu bikini advert pops up. Really annoying
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I know! I had the same problem! That same stupid ad kept popping up on my app, too! I kept having to report the ad when it’d pop up!
Im reporting it every time now. It doesn’t cause problems but is just irritating when im trying to do the opposite
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Update,
Sunday 20:06. Typically Sunday is a day of strong urges from the days when i used to binge for a couple of hours. Up until maybe 3 months ago the evening routine would be to have a quick browse for 15 minutes at about 21:00 after my parents went to bed.
This was habit to me.
The new habit is to turn of the internet at 21:00 and open a gaming software that I use to make my own games (its a kids thing but I like to mess about on it).
This way I look forward to this instead of things I shouldn’t be doing, and build new brain pathways
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Monday July 15 2024
Spent the evening prepping for my trip in a few weeks. The plan worked and the new good habit was strengthened.
England lost the match so a nice quiet night and no embarrassing displays from the football hooligans.
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Feeling strong desires right now, but can’t write too much as i need to put down the phone and get on with my action plan!!
Will update later
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We’re praying for you! Stay strong!
So basically. I was at my local community workshop (basically like a giant rentable garage with tooling).
Historically this has been a place where I felt strong desires due to being alone with internet for long periods of time.
I was making some metal vases and printing some stuff, which I did without getting distracted.
Went to leave and as I was in my car the urge to make an account on a site I shouldn’t be on came back when i accidentally found out I could bypass my blocker app on a video downloader app I had (yes silly, I know, but my brain has been practicing bypassing blocks and filters since the age of about 15)
Made an account and downloaded a load of pon. On the drive home the anticipation was literally making me feel sick, and I couldn’t eat my dinner properly. That was about half an hour ago. After dinner I deleted the pon and the account. Then deleted the downloder app so this can’t happen again. I’m resetting my counter as I consider this a “failed” battle, in a way it was good that I stopped it fairly early on.
Turn from evil, do what is good.
Seek peace, pursue it earnestly.
In spite of today’s slip I am certain I will not masterbate tonight as I will be too busy enjoying the peace that comes from not sinning.
I’ll be reading my new book on weather forecasting by clouds and sailing alone around the world by Joshua slocum.
Please keep praying for me, as i will be praying for everyone who is taking up the fight!
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Today is going to be a day of strong urges, I already know that much. I plan to suceed in today’s fight, which means it will also be a day of strong progress in rewiring new behavior.
My current programmed reaction to urges is to give in, then change my mind and stop myself after a few minutes.
The new programmed reaction will be to stop myself straight away, so I will do 2 things.
- Enjoy the peace from not doing it.
- update the diary instead immediately.
I’ll probably be updating several times today then!
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Still seeking peace. Good progress and battles done today but got to get out forxa fast cycle before bed. Keeping that fat belly at bay 
stay strong everyone!!
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So far so good today, but some strong urges in the last half hour. Going to the RIAT airshow tomorrow and its going to be hot, so will have to carefully guard my eyes and be respectful.
Keep seeking the peacefull feeling
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Airshow was good, strong urges comking now, but will go soon and return to peace and quiet
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Having some strong urges today, which is pretty normal for any sunday, just got to try to fully ignore them
Hopefully they will go away and return to peace
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So yesterday was an interesting day. At about 12.00 I gad some really strong urges that I momentarily listened to and went and bought a cheap s3x toy from Amazon. Now Amazon openly advertises and recommends these on its websites. Anyway, it arrived at the collection point on same day delivery, I picked it up, changed my mind and chopped it up and binned it on the way home.
In hindsight I should have posted in my diary as soon as I felt the urges, but im still working ti build that habit. Just thought it was funny how quickly the mind fluctuates from how it should be, to abnormal behavior and then back to normal.
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Ah, strong urges again today. Got to keep going after that peacfull feeling. I think its working! I can literally feel the urge goinf as i type!
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Again strong urges! It is definitely comming in waves but will quieten down when i go ro bed at 9.30
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Urges coming again. But peace is better.
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It seems urges are comming in strong waves this week, so hopefully i can use this to build up strong good habits
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