Guys I cannot handle this anymore and I don’t know if I can escape this thoughts. I was sexually abused at age of 5 by one of my relative and I am male.
She touched me inappropriate and used me to pleasure her multiple times. I didn’t know or understand anything at that time but those memories stuck in my mind 
. Whatever she did will come in my dreams sometimes even till now.
At age of 12 I learnt about masturbation and I did it often and I realized what she did to me. I didn’t share it with anyone and I kept it to myself and I discovered porn later in my life at age of 13 or 14. I didn’t realize what kind of person i am becoming and kept doing masturbation and watching porn. I slowly turned into a pervert and I said to myself it’s ok to watch through windows because that’s what they did in porn and even my relative used me to satisfy her desire so I thought that I was doing the right thing.
Yes I was dumb at 14 and I didn’t know any morals and What’s the reality. But later at 15 I realized I don’t like what I am doing and it is bad.
I felt shame because of what I’ve been doing all the time.
I learnt about what my relative did to me was sexual assault and how it alterd my brain and ruined my childhood. I slowly stopped trusting girls and Even though I know not everyone is like that I just couldn’t come out of it. Before I know I realized how deep I’ve fell I became a pervert and porn addict
Between all this I got into relationship with a girl I know for long time , Yes that’s a miracle in my life and for sometime in my life I was normal didn’t stare her in wrong way secretly. She proposed me and I felt like life is good. I stopped watching porn or looking at other girls or women in a pervy way for sometime.
I liked the feeling I had and I remember how it felt to be like a normal person. I remember telling myself "God sent her to you for some reason and don’t leave her and be good and genuine to her "
I was clean for sometime I loved her so much and she too loved me. I joined karate and I was doing good in some sports.
Then later every happiness slowly faded away and I became too much dependent on her love. I constantly craved for affection that i never really had as a kid. I became too much needy and insecure because I was scared that I will loose her. And that fear became my reality one day, And I agree There are lot of mistakes in my side.
But what chance do I have ? she left me and blocked me every where. I loved her and she made me a real human for sometime. After she left the sexual assault flash backs came back again and haunted me in my dreams.
I fell into void this time much deeper and I can’t even get back . I became an addict to mastrubation again and I became an pro introvert and pervert who constantly peep neighbours through Windows. I don’t know why I do this and I know its wrong but the habit I had a came back again.
I am trying to climb back up and become a normal person but I couldn’t. My brain has been altered and trained from an young age, Even though I know what’s wrong and right now I can’t change myself.
I keep failing in no fap and I’m scared I can’t Change myself. I hate myself and the real me is locked inside and I can’t get him out. He is screaming for help from the depth but nobody can’t hear his voice.
I lost my childhood and I lost the person who I loved. After all I wanted to be normal but I couldn’t. When I look at my childhood images I regret a lot and ask myself why did this happened to me. I was a good kid.
Anyone help please ! I wanted to be the good kid once I was.
