I'm breaking the silence ( I AM SEXUALLY ABUSED) 😭

Guys I cannot handle this anymore and I don’t know if I can escape this thoughts. I was sexually abused at age of 5 by one of my relative and I am male.

She touched me inappropriate and used me to pleasure her multiple times. I didn’t know or understand anything at that time but those memories stuck in my mind :sob:. Whatever she did will come in my dreams sometimes even till now.

At age of 12 I learnt about masturbation and I did it often and I realized what she did to me. I didn’t share it with anyone and I kept it to myself and I discovered porn later in my life at age of 13 or 14. I didn’t realize what kind of person i am becoming and kept doing masturbation and watching porn. I slowly turned into a pervert and I said to myself it’s ok to watch through windows because that’s what they did in porn and even my relative used me to satisfy her desire so I thought that I was doing the right thing.

Yes I was dumb at 14 and I didn’t know any morals and What’s the reality. But later at 15 I realized I don’t like what I am doing and it is bad.
I felt shame because of what I’ve been doing all the time.

I learnt about what my relative did to me was sexual assault and how it alterd my brain and ruined my childhood. I slowly stopped trusting girls and Even though I know not everyone is like that I just couldn’t come out of it. Before I know I realized how deep I’ve fell I became a pervert and porn addict

Between all this I got into relationship with a girl I know for long time , Yes that’s a miracle in my life and for sometime in my life I was normal didn’t stare her in wrong way secretly. She proposed me and I felt like life is good. I stopped watching porn or looking at other girls or women in a pervy way for sometime.

I liked the feeling I had and I remember how it felt to be like a normal person. I remember telling myself "God sent her to you for some reason and don’t leave her and be good and genuine to her "

I was clean for sometime I loved her so much and she too loved me. I joined karate and I was doing good in some sports.

Then later every happiness slowly faded away and I became too much dependent on her love. I constantly craved for affection that i never really had as a kid. I became too much needy and insecure because I was scared that I will loose her. And that fear became my reality one day, And I agree There are lot of mistakes in my side.

But what chance do I have ? :sob: she left me and blocked me every where. I loved her and she made me a real human for sometime. After she left the sexual assault flash backs came back again and haunted me in my dreams.

I fell into void this time much deeper and I can’t even get back . I became an addict to mastrubation again and I became an pro introvert and pervert who constantly peep neighbours through Windows. I don’t know why I do this and I know its wrong but the habit I had a came back again.

I am trying to climb back up and become a normal person but I couldn’t. My brain has been altered and trained from an young age, Even though I know what’s wrong and right now I can’t change myself.

I keep failing in no fap and I’m scared I can’t Change myself. I hate myself and the real me is locked inside and I can’t get him out. He is screaming for help from the depth but nobody can’t hear his voice.

I lost my childhood and I lost the person who I loved. After all I wanted to be normal but I couldn’t. When I look at my childhood images I regret a lot and ask myself why did this happened to me. I was a good kid.:sob:

Anyone help please ! I wanted to be the good kid once I was.

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Hey brother @Element45 life is not over yet. Fight again toward your problems. I read all story too much up’s and down’s. In this life up’s and down comes but we believe in God. God always are side they know what problem we are going through brother believe in God. If lot of darkness in our life only god wisdom help that time. You are going through abuse at age of 5 that time you are child some relative abuse you know is painful . I know in this society only lf boy abuse a girl all girls and womens started a protest. But same thing happened to they boy no one belive. These day we live in such a society no one boy is correct. Why people alway think only boys in is blam for abuse. Brother believe in God Yess u can do it belive in yourself. You can change your life brother @Element45 :muscle::pray:

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Look at the life in a different perspective like what you have now,what can be done… Did you notice one thing you are still living in the past rather present and trying to fix?
‘why did this happened to me’ happened now what?
She left and blocked. So now what? Are you going to regret rest of the life or fight back?? find a way out man. You are now a mature and perfect man who can decide what is best for you. You are done with old life. right? why living in past.
‘I lost my childhood and I lost the person who I loved’: I say you haven’t lost anyone or anything. You learn many things and this experience will lead you a better life and a person.
Find a way out and grab the same life and be a man. but not a kid again. You are already strong. Only person need to know is that you :slight_smile:

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Thanks for your words and yeah people really need to know that boys are sexually abused too.

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yeah you are right, I live in past but I really miss the way I used to be. I said i wanted to be the kid once i was because the innocence i had as kid is gone. I am trying to forget the past or ignore it.
This is my journey to re-create myself. Thanks man ! and I don’t want to get lost in wrong path again All i need is someone to guide me through the right path.

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You deserve better than her. She obviously wasn’t the one. Stay strong brother!

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Good brother, load gets lighter when you share it. Now that was all in the past let it stay there don’t let it ruin your present. Live your life to the fullest, make meditation and exercise a part of your daily routine (or as often as possible), they help a lot. You are in a no fap forum so already in the right direction, read easy peasy method if you are struggling to leave pornography. Stay strong! Hope this helps.

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All I can say just stay strong brother . Remember one thing-
We are born to be sad and we struggle to be glad.

Tough times never stays , it will pass.

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Bro past has happened u cannot do anything about it but one thing which u can surely do is change and make your future better … Don’t let the past ruin your future also …work on yourself , keep yourself busy with study or some other task … spend time with your family and friends … hope this can help u…

More power to you :fire::slightly_smiling_face:

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I’ll keep it short and sweet,

NoFap is your salvation !!!

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I agree with @kanu In addition to that, change your priorities. Surely you’ll lead a better life and a career.

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This is also one of the strongest reason why we always stuck in our past.

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@Element45 I can feel the pain. But I will ask you? This may be rude. You have 2 choice now.

  1. close your door. And cry day and nights. No one cares for you.
  2. forget the past and focus on your daily routine. Open your inner potential.
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Wise words as always mate

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I agree I can’t change past so I’m gonna work now for my future. I study and work But what should I do if I get urges for dopamine all of a sudden ?

I ask my mom to slap me that always works but she keeps asking for reasons. Is there anything we can do to snap out of blur when dopamine urge kicks in ?

Can you guys please share your methods to snap out of urges?
Thank you all for taking time and replying
It means a lot ! :pray:
@_TIGER
@zorim
@Gaelyang
@Samaranjay
@FallenSubaru

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I’m gonna write this in stick notes and paste it the mirror.
Thanks for the words

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I may not be a right person to give suggestions… As I also dealt with gf failure and an PMO addict…
I will say that life is not yet over man !!
Get up !! Start doing noFap
Pray to God and believe him that whatever has happened was for good, whatever is happening is for better,and what will happen will be for best…

May God bless you :pray::pray::pray:

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Meditation helps. Also you would struggle with strong urges only for a few days maybe 20 days or so, somehow make it past that point, do anything but fap, you will get urges from time to time after that but they wouldn’t bother you that much. Also as I said earlier too find time to read easy peasy, it works like magic

Open this in browser, you can download pdf or epub version.
I promote this book too much

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It takes enormous amount of strength to break the silence. You are very strong brother. Your writing here means you want healing and recovery. Those who desire freedom and work for it, they surely succeed.

Forgeting past is not completely in our power. But forgiving is within our power. You must forgive your relative and see your past in a different light. Every person is broken, some more than others, but nothing is unfixable.

Our cracks are our beauty. Fill the cracks with gold. Change your present and you shall change your future.

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Please have a look at this old threads I saved in my bookmark.

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