Today is my low day. IDK even why, I just feel like it is, so I wanted to write something down and then I thought that I might share what is bothering me and maybe just writing it down might help or maybe you could lift me up a bit as you helped me in past too.
I wanted to originally write it down as story, then I couldnt find right words for my 2 major problems, so I tought that it will be confession. I waned to be positive, but I have something on my chest and I need to get it out. I fear that these 2 problems might be connected, so bear with me, I will do my best to dont write is too confusing
I wanted to write my “success” story after reaching 90 days, but at that time I had covid and felt really low on energy and other stuff so I postponed it. Then I thought that I might write at 120 days, but I started to lose it. I didnt relapsed and now I am at 150 and some change. I started to losing it in way of routine and other stuff. I stopped to write journal (I do it occasionaly now), stoped to meditate (I do it occasionaly now), working out (problems with my back) and stopped counting calories. I didnt relapsed or gained weight, so I am happy for that, but my life does not feel that “real” or “alive” as it used to be. I had plenty of time between october last year and april this year, as whole country was basically closed, but now it is not that much and I want to go socialize more while I can.
Problem is that I started to overthink again, due to lack of meditation and journaling I guess (not sure). Not as much as I used to, but I started to do it. Also socializing is hard for me, so I am trying to push myself out of a comfort zone, but with combination with overthinking I am in a low spot now. Trying to do many stuff at once, go out and socialize, go out with few friends which I have, do some stuff that I need to do (shopping, helping my family a bit, …) and lastly I try to not neglect my hobbies (didnt do them for quite long time) and its A LOT to do. And its an overwhelming a bit now. I am trying to do it in a stoic way - day by day, but I need some planing e.g. some events have set date, so I cant go anytime I want, etc. So thinkig is necesary and it can easily torn to overthinking.
And I fear that first problem might affect me in a negative way in one new relationship which I have. And this is second problem I would say.
So I met her throuh dating site (one of VERY FEW women who responded). We went out at February, then I got covid, then she got covid and then we were out twice. Once on a whole day trip and second time I went shopping so I asked her if she will join me, so I can see her oppinion on some clothes :). We end up in coffee shop and talked, after that I walked her home and talked a bit there and then we splitted. Problem is that I dont have basically any relationship in my life and I dont want to be pushy or clingy or anything to “scare” her off. Also she is from different country, does not spek my native language, so we are speaking in english (why make it easy for myself, right? ) and lastly she wants to travel and dont seek for SO, if it happen, it happen, but shes ok with herself for now
And I think, I am not crazy about her, not clingy, not needy, not pushy, but I think about her quite a lot and deeply I feel that finally there is someone to whom I can connect and whom I like and hopefully who likes me too. IDK if shes just so open or there is something, and I dont want to ask, obviously. I want to let it flow on its own. I fear that it might be just kind of novelty for me (someone new in my life) or its my lack of socializing, idk. I deeply want have someone, but not in cost to hurt someone else (her or others). I want genuine connection, I want to be present, focused and mindfull around her and of course at every event which I attend and I fear that my lack of routine can alter that in a bad way, so I will not be fully present, focused and mindfull and I fear that I might lose her even as a friend (as there is nothing more between us yet).
I fear that my need of having someone is partially just social pressure and partially that I want to share my life with other person/people, so it might be just lack of friends, IDK. I am also introverted person, but I want to have someone whom I can love and be there for that person. I can say that I love myself, if its enough, idk, but its hell of more than it used to be. Also I know that even tho I am lacking some practices, which will elevate me back where I were 2 months ago, but its not as bad as it used to be. Everyone around me is having babies, weddings, proposals etc, hitting me again and again. I am genuinely happy for them, but deeply I want that too. So I fear that I want to have someone in my life (SO) and in reality its just that I am lacking some connection, lacking some people around me or something.
Gosh, that is a mess confession.
If someone can crack that and read it to the end, congratulations. If someone can be helpfull, even a little, thanks a lot. I will post it anyway, as someone might find it helpfull and coz fu*k it