IDK - my little confused confession I guess

Confession
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Hi all.

Today is my low day. IDK even why, I just feel like it is, so I wanted to write something down and then I thought that I might share what is bothering me and maybe just writing it down might help or maybe you could lift me up a bit as you helped me in past too.

I wanted to originally write it down as story, then I couldnt find right words for my 2 major problems, so I tought that it will be confession. I waned to be positive, but I have something on my chest and I need to get it out. I fear that these 2 problems might be connected, so bear with me, I will do my best to dont write is too confusing :innocent:

I wanted to write my “success” story after reaching 90 days, but at that time I had covid and felt really low on energy and other stuff so I postponed it. Then I thought that I might write at 120 days, but I started to lose it. I didnt relapsed and now I am at 150 and some change. I started to losing it in way of routine and other stuff. I stopped to write journal (I do it occasionaly now), stoped to meditate (I do it occasionaly now), working out (problems with my back) and stopped counting calories. I didnt relapsed or gained weight, so I am happy for that, but my life does not feel that “real” or “alive” as it used to be. I had plenty of time between october last year and april this year, as whole country was basically closed, but now it is not that much and I want to go socialize more while I can.

Problem is that I started to overthink again, due to lack of meditation and journaling I guess (not sure). Not as much as I used to, but I started to do it. Also socializing is hard for me, so I am trying to push myself out of a comfort zone, but with combination with overthinking I am in a low spot now. Trying to do many stuff at once, go out and socialize, go out with few friends which I have, do some stuff that I need to do (shopping, helping my family a bit, …) and lastly I try to not neglect my hobbies (didnt do them for quite long time) and its A LOT to do. And its an overwhelming a bit now. I am trying to do it in a stoic way - day by day, but I need some planing e.g. some events have set date, so I cant go anytime I want, etc. So thinkig is necesary and it can easily torn to overthinking.

And I fear that first problem might affect me in a negative way in one new relationship which I have. And this is second problem I would say.

So I met her throuh dating site (one of VERY FEW women who responded). We went out at February, then I got covid, then she got covid and then we were out twice. Once on a whole day trip and second time I went shopping so I asked her if she will join me, so I can see her oppinion on some clothes :). We end up in coffee shop and talked, after that I walked her home and talked a bit there and then we splitted. Problem is that I dont have basically any relationship in my life and I dont want to be pushy or clingy or anything to “scare” her off. Also she is from different country, does not spek my native language, so we are speaking in english (why make it easy for myself, right? :smiley: ) and lastly she wants to travel and dont seek for SO, if it happen, it happen, but shes ok with herself for now

And I think, I am not crazy about her, not clingy, not needy, not pushy, but I think about her quite a lot and deeply I feel that finally there is someone to whom I can connect and whom I like and hopefully who likes me too. IDK if shes just so open or there is something, and I dont want to ask, obviously. I want to let it flow on its own. I fear that it might be just kind of novelty for me (someone new in my life) or its my lack of socializing, idk. I deeply want have someone, but not in cost to hurt someone else (her or others). I want genuine connection, I want to be present, focused and mindfull around her and of course at every event which I attend and I fear that my lack of routine can alter that in a bad way, so I will not be fully present, focused and mindfull and I fear that I might lose her even as a friend (as there is nothing more between us yet).

I fear that my need of having someone is partially just social pressure and partially that I want to share my life with other person/people, so it might be just lack of friends, IDK. I am also introverted person, but I want to have someone whom I can love and be there for that person. I can say that I love myself, if its enough, idk, but its hell of more than it used to be. Also I know that even tho I am lacking some practices, which will elevate me back where I were 2 months ago, but its not as bad as it used to be. Everyone around me is having babies, weddings, proposals etc, hitting me again and again. I am genuinely happy for them, but deeply I want that too. So I fear that I want to have someone in my life (SO) and in reality its just that I am lacking some connection, lacking some people around me or something.

Gosh, that is a mess confession.

If someone can crack that and read it to the end, congratulations. If someone can be helpfull, even a little, thanks a lot. I will post it anyway, as someone might find it helpfull and coz fu*k it :smiley:

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I think it’s quite normal for guys of your age to crave for a partner, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Today I was reading an article about human sexual preferences for men and women. Men in late 20s and early 35s are much much more likely to appreciate a woman’s companionship.

Try to escalate things between you and her slowly and see if she is reciprocating or not. It might happen so that you have hit your life partner.

Who knows the girl you are talking to now is the only one for you. Don’t let this opportunity to pass away.

Regarding overthinking issue,I was too there on the same boat when the girl I loved ghosted me.
From my experience,you can’t do much about overthinking, it’s impulsive. The only way you can reduce it is to socialize as much as possible,if still exist,seek a psychologist.
Don’t be in trap of overthinking, it’s viciously evil,it consumes all productive energies and make you a lazy person

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Bro you are actually overthinking it. Taking too much pressure on yourself that you will do something wrong and she will leave. Don’t think this way. It will make you under-confident. Bro don’t take so much pressure. Be chill. Even if you act like asshole sometimes it’s fine. She will ignore it if you have some other good qualities.

It’s okay to seek companionship with opposite sex after some age. I don’t understand why you are over analyzing it. If you want to get married and you are at that age then what’s wrong with that. It’s completely normal.

Only suggestion would be don’t get needy or too attached to her in the beginning. Yes try to be flirty and escalate things. Don’t act as a complete friend if you want to happen something more.

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@JonSnow001 @Roads_to_purity @anon65589122 thanks guys for reading it and some advices. Yes, I am aware that I am overthinking and I started to go back to my routine yesterday. Not completely, but at least I started. Which is a little win for me after 2 months of sort of cazieness and not do any routine. I will read few parts which I noted from book “power of now” it helped me in past, so I need to get back to track.

Also @anon65589122 and @Roads_to_purity what do you mean by escalate things a bit and not be complete friend? These things are new for me, but she had some relationships in past. I dont want to be just a friend but I dont want to be needy or pushy. I am asking, coz we might go this weekend out for third time. Alone, just two of us. I know it might soung desperate.

Now, when I am thinking about it, I just should let things go and be myself with her and dont think about any moves, just enjoy her company and thats it. Make her feel good so she can enjoy that day and me too and make her forget about any problems and anything that worries her. Thats what a great day should be and thats what ups in life should be.

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Do what feels natural to you. There is no right or wrong move here. My idea was to let her know your intention. But since you two met on dating site. It should be obvious.

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@anon65589122 I followed your tip and well, nothing happend. Well something did, but not what I expected. Tbh I feel down coz of that.

Basically I realized that I dont feel anything to her. I mean deeply I wanted to, but there is nothing. I know thats kinda good thing, as it came fairly quickly, well we are writing to each other for over half a year, but went out just 4 times, so not really quickly, but still. It was my fault that I attached to her “too soon” or “quickly”, but when you feel like you have no friends and could use some and you also want a gf, then well, this might happen. I know its better that being in bad relationship, but man, I feel lonely.

I feel down, coz I had too high expectations from us, which is not good and I was partially driven by lust, but tbh it was better than it was with previous “crush”. I feel now like I am lost and not just coz of her, but I realized more things coz of what “not happend” yesterday and coz of talking to her.

Is that normal? I mean I know it is, but I feel lost again, dont know my direction, dont know my purpose, dont know what to do next and I am in state where everyone around me is engaging and having families and I dont even know what should be my next step in life. I want family, I want kids and I think I gonna be good husband and father, but why is that so difficult to find someone. I know that I am not great social person, but still.

Idk if my loneliness is caused by lack of friends or I really do want SO and have family and not juat coz of my suroundings amd social pressure.

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Bro I don’t know what tips you followed. I didn’t give you any tips at all. Because I thought it would make you more nervous. I would have said to escalate that means you touch her on shoulder or back not in a creepy way but just to create sexual vibe or tension. Lead the conversation in that direction

I don’t know what is relationship without lust because i never had one. People talk a lot about love in this forum that lust is bad we shouldn’t objectify but I never understood it yet.

From my point of view in the seduction you always have to play some kind of game. Like Push pull, you have to understand you don’t double text her. It will make you seem needy. Even though we are attached we have to self control not to reveal. It may all sound like trying to hard. But from my point of view that’s how it works.

You have to be selfish in the beginning of relationship. Having sex is an asset for a girl. If you give her too much value before having sex then she will think this guy is easy to get and will lose interest. So you have to hold back. You can’t treat her like wife or girlfriend before she becomes that.

That’s my understanding of dating and seduction. Yours may be different and you also may be right. So take whatever I wrote here with grain of salt.

Now i would say if she is gone then gone. Don’t think about her or put too much value on her. All the best for your future hunting. Yes I consider this as hunting.

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Very tightly said
It’s :100: true that girls loose interest as and when you tend to get more available to her. Try to be flirty sometimes,try to avoid her other times,so that she doesn’t find initially if you are interested in her.

Most important of all, if you chase a girl for getting laid,she would definitely not attracted to you. She will sense you at some point of time

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Ok, I guess I did not explained my self properly.

I followed your one tip, which was not thinking and let it flow. Day was perfect and we both enjoyed it.

To seducing and stuff. Well we touched, we teased a bit each other, but I guess I dont see her as a future something yet. Idk if that should be from the begining (knowing that shes the one) or it should develop over time. My point is I like her, but I am not too attracted to her now (physically). We have similar mindset and thinking but I guess what I saw in her faded. That what I meant by lust. I wanted to know her more but on the other hand I was, I would say, desperate to have someone and have sex etc. Juat from pure desperation and from social pressure, like “this is peak”, which rationally I know its bad, but di*ks dont have brain. Maybe I explained myself weirdly.

I know what you mean and I get it, but I guess I saw her in different light as I see her now. I mean I still have this “urge to achieve that social peak”, but rationally I dont want to be di*k and hurt someone juat because of that. And these two things or thought always fighting in me and on one side I am pushing on myself to see where it will lead, but then I find out that shes not what I want or it is not good, and apply brakes.

Idk if I am just affraid of commitment that I will lose my “freedom” and dont see it at all or there is something else.

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Then seems what happened it happened for the best. Yes I agree with the idea of if you don’t see your future with her there is no need to hurt her just taking physical advantage.

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Well, its not like that she run away, coz I pushed, its more like that my feelings faded or my physical attraction faded.

Also I noticed that she might see me more as a friend. Which I agree might be coz I were not very flirty, but I mean, if I dont feel it, do I need to push it?

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@koaxicek this book should help you. You can buy or download for free on the internet.

I haven’t read this book. I have read other book by this author. That are great. So I guess this also should be good.

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Thanks. I know about Mark Manson, I will check it out, although I wanted to read “Subtle way to not give a fu*k” but I didnt know about that one :+1::wink:.

Also if I may return to the topic. I taked about this with one of my friends, well, he was actually who asked me about what are things going on. So I said what I thought at that time and he listened me and said that its normal, it can happen, but I am zhe one who should thought this through, as he dont know what am I thinking and what is my “problem” if its lack of atractiveness from her side or just my fear of commitment or fear in general (I never had a GF and all this is totally new for me). In some way I like her, we have similar mindset in some areas, but IDK if we are compatibile in other areas. Also I am afraid that if I will continue and then later, I will lose interest totally, I will lost this little bit, but thats sick logically speaking, as it does not make sense, if it will happen, it will happen and I should enjoy time while it is there, right? So my wanting something and logical mind is fighting for last few days/weeks :man_facepalming:t2:.

And there is that thing that I dont want to hurt her. E.g. if I will not be sure if there is something or I am seeing her as something more (wife), but I guess thats why we are hanging out, to figure it out, so I guess if shes ok with that and if she will want to move it somewhere she will ask (she sid she asked in past) then, there is no harm.

But back to topic again. After few days later he said to me, that I should try it with her and ask her out for a few days trip, so we will stay sleeping somewhere else. He said, that I am young, have no family and if it is necesary I need to burn myself (again, no experience) and at that point I was “yeah, true”, now I am having second thoughts, but thats just my anxiety so I am ignoring it :grin:. So I guess I will ask her out for a few days trip, maybe whole week, as I am planing aome vacation and maybe she would like to tag along and I will see.

Worst case scenario, we will be sick of each other and will not want to see eachother again, so yeah :sweat_smile:.

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