6/15/2021
Day 3
There's also the sense of being alone in this game. As if there's no other life out there but you. The music also helps add to this vibe as well. The background as well. Sure, it's just space, but it makes me feel like I'm in space, even if this all on [redacted]. Just looking at the background makes me feel small and miniscule, like everything that I'm experiencing in life is nothing but a tiny piece of a grain of sand in the vast ocean. And that's if I even matter enough to be on that tiny piece of sand particle! I'm getting philosophical and stuff, but that's what this game makes me feel like. It makes me feel as if I don't matter at all, in a very good way!We all live and die. Our lifetimes are so small that it would barely feel like anything to the Universe. It’s a hard concept to put into language, but it just feels like I’m nothing, like I have no purpose, that there is nothing that I have to do. In a sense, I’m free; I may not have control, but I sure as heck know that that doesn’t matter either. Astronomy really is a good subject.
My dad gets mad very easily. I hate him a lot for it honestly. I think the fact that he yells often has made me less of risk-taker. If I fail at something in some way, even the tiniest infraction, expect huge backlash.
I’ve always tried to escape this by playing games because you generally have nothing to lose when playing them. Even then, I play games that revolve around a lack of competition or are games where you can make virtual money (i.e. idle games). Now of course, all of the games that I play and enjoy also tend to have little to no human interaction at all. Even if they have large online communities, I just avoid them if I can. I think I do this because a lot of online communities are toxic.
It’s almost the exact same thing with social media. The only exception being that I only use social media where I can express myself without compromising too much personal information.
Not going to lie though, escapism is great. I find it to be my savior whenever I encounter difficulty. Sure, it’s not the best way to live life. After all, a digital badge isn’t going to mean much compared to things in the real world. But, it’s hard to live without. Even as I type this, I can’t seem to resist going over to YouTube.
Overall, I can definitely say no urges today. Pretty nice especially when I keep forgetting to shower in the afternoon.