Fixing Everything That I Can - Finding_Myself's Diary [16 M]

This will hopefully be the last diary I make here, because I’ve taken down all of the old ones. This would make diary #4. Basically I got rid of them all and made new ones because I keep changing. If you looked at the guy who joined here almost two years ago and then you looked at me now you’d see lots of changes. But I’ve accepted that I change a lot and I’m just going to stick with this diary even if my brain is a mess and it leaks out all over the place in here, it will all be here. So just in case you don’t know me: I’m a 16 year old dude and I’ve struggled on and off with addiction for several years now. I’ve got big dreams, and I’m trying to get better at working towards them. Sometimes I’m a jerk and say a lot of stupid things that I regret, but I’m getting better I think. I hope. That’s pretty much me, I’m a mess but I live on so I’m doing something right. I’m going to try and be more active in this diary than my past ones because I get in these dark moods when I relapse and I shut down and don’t post or reach out or anything and then I lose myself again. Hopefully I can keep going even when I mess up. That’s the mindset I’m working towards. If you read all of that you’re awesome and I’ll keep you dudes updated. Peace.


Best of Luck Brother.


Good Luck fighter :fire:‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎


Dude your 16 (Im 25) your life is going to be full of changes and fking up in the next few years. Your about to develop into a young man.
Trust me trust me trust me The best thing you can do right now is to stop pmo’ing it will help you become such a better man in the years to come.There is only darkness and loneliness if you dont get rid of your self sexual pleasure right now,learn to control it and master your sexual emotions. Each year and relapse that passes by is going to effect how you perform in the real world whether it’s with dating,socially,work,school and family. Be consistent on working on yourself now while you are young and by the time you are in your mid twenties you will be exactly where you want and need to be.

Stay fit and strong both mentally and physically,And just dont fall into the trap’s of p0rn and masturbation.Everyone else will say it’s normal and be looking/thirsting for ig models for the next few years.While hopefully you will be living a fulfilling life you actually want to live.

Your lucky that nofap,anti-p0rn communities exist and consider yourself lucky that you found and atleast try to participate in quitting this addiction.When i was 16 i had no clue the damage or effects it would have on my life.I was just masturbating 1-3 times a day thinking it was normal and good for me.I wish i had some older men tell me the path i was going down will destroy me, so just realize your are 16 with your whole life infront of you, control yourself ,don’t fall for degeneracy and you will be fine. The least time’s you watch p0rn or masturbate is going to help you in the long run. Just quit today and today only.
No Excuses No Giving In, Otherwise you only got yourself to blame for your downfall :heart: :muscle:


Monday, May 8th

Well I was right when I talked about getting in dark moods and shutting down when I relapse. I got in a pretty dark spot and thought about posting here a lot, so I would come here and just stare at the reply button then get off because I didn’t want to anymore. I feel disgusting, to say the least. I haven’t been productive, I haven’t worked towards my goals, I’ve had a weak mindset, and I’ve been hiding my emotions again. Right now I’m really struggling with discipline and doing anything productive, it’s just hard. I’m going to try this method called the 5 second rule. The way it works is I count down from 5 and then I have to go do whatever thing I need to do before it reaches 0. Basically I have to act before my brain talks me out of doing something productive. I’ve thought a lot about this post lately:

It’s long but I would highly suggest you read it. There are so many good points and things to consider in there. I’m personally going to go back and read it again and take some notes soon. The main thing I got out of it is to stop thinking about PMO and focus on accomplishing your goals. I think I need to set my goals and at least start thinking about my future a little bit.

On the positive side I have had some good days recently. I miss those days, I’m so much more positive on the days that I take care of myself and push myself in a healthy way. I took my dose of LSD (laughter, singing, and dancing) as @Forerunner says on those days. I know I need to focus on my goals and stop thinking about PMO and being negative, but I’m sick of it. Almost every day has looked the same for me recently, and I hate them. I have GOT to do something about this. I need to push myself. No matter how hard it will be. It’ll all be worth it, right? That’s what I’m told. I wouldn’t know.

That’s all out of me guys.

Never stay down, always get back up. It’s not over until we’re dead.

Peace :v:


Bro, this post is the first step in climbing up out of the darkness. I’m proud of you for taking that first step. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

Don’t worry about doing things perfectly, just take steps in the right direction and improve as you go along. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Hold on to that which is good in your life. What motivates you. What inspires you. What gives you life and joy and peace. Let it guide you on your journey to becoming better.

Test out that discipline muscle. You’re stronger than you think.

Keep going brother.


I relapsed a lot yesterday. Well, relapse isn’t the right word, I just indulged a lot yesterday. It’s taking a toll on my mental stability today. I feel angry, and gross. I don’t have much time to type this so that’s all for now. I hope my day gets better and I hope yours is great :smile:


What did you indulge in?


PMO. That’s my only struggle pretty much.


But you said you didn’t relapsed but you indulged,So you just watched p0rn without masturbating?


I’m kinda picky with the way I use the word relapse. I don’t even really like the word. Basically I meant that I did indulge in PMO, all of that. And that’s all you need to know pretty much.

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Wednesday, May 10th
I’ve started running recently. If you were to ask me why I would say it’s to learn how to be disciplined. And it has already taught me a lot. Running can be really uncomfortable when you haven’t in a while. You really don’t want to keep going once you start and you don’t even want to do it before you start. But if I’ve learned anything about running so far it’s that I am capable. When I want to stop running I keep pushing, I keep running because I can. And it burns. My feet begin to hurt, my calves begin to burn, this muscle in my lower back that always hurts when I run bothers me a ton, but I keep running. No matter how strong the desire is to just stop and take a breather I keep running. I think this can apply to our addiction. We are all capable of quitting, every single one of us. When we start our journey it usually goes well for a day or two, but the more we go on we begin to want to quit. Our thoughts begin to get agressive, and desperate for us to stop trying. But you don’t have to listen to that voice. You can keep running. The end of the race for adiction is death. We must keep running. Do NOT give in to those thoughts. I almost stopped running today. I had the website right in front of me, but I put it away. I am going to keep running, and keep fighting. It’s worth it. I know it. I am free every second I choose to be. And so are you. Wherever you are right now, no matter your streak, no matter how old you are, your gender, or your race, you are free RIGHT NOW. Keep choosing to stay that way. You’ve got this, I believe in you.


Beautiful reminder bro! I’ll remember and apply this to my journey. Love how you applied it to PPU.


Saturday, May 13th - 11:54 P.M.
Today was a great day. I’ve been busy doing lots of fun things. I have been on a “vacation” or “holiday” I gues you could say. Not much of one, more like a trip. But to say the least I’ve been doing lots of fun stuff, today I was at an amusement park and rode lots of roller coasters. I love roller coasters. I spent lots of time with my girlfriend today which was great! At the end of the day we chilled in and around the hot tub at the hotel and I talked for like 2 hours about everything I’ve been thinking about recently, and she listened! It’s great to have someone to talk to about things. Some of the things I talked about were religion, the Pokémon challenge by @nofapstar123 (thank you for making that challenge man), and the future a little bit. That wasn’t everything, there was a lot more, but those are the three things I thought of first. I was just going everywhere with conversations, my brain is messy lol. I said something like “My room is a representation of my brain, an absolute mess”. Which is completely true, but my brain is still functional, and still massive :sunglasses:.

At the end of the day my junk started to hurt which is usually a trigger for me, and it was, but I handled it and I have made it another day clean.

I’ve been thinking about changing my username. I had an idea tonight, I might change it to something like “Finding_Me”. The name comes from some thoughts I’ve been having lately about why I am, because I don’t know honestly. It’s a really tough question. So Finding_Me fits that well because I’m trying to find me, find out who I am.

Anyways today was a blast! Not all days will be like this sadly, but I am prepared for the potentially rough road ahead.

Motivation is temporary, but discipline is forever.

That’s my new motto.

You are amazing, and you can do this, don’t ever quit. Push as hard as you can, if you are always doing your best you are always free. Stop looking at your counter. It means nothing. How you are learning and disciplining yourself does mean something.

If you read all that you deserve a gold star or something.

Peace out dudes :v:

~Sunday, May the 14th - 12:08 A.M.


I needed this. I relapsed today. I’ve been dealing with it, but I was feeling down. It’s nice to see someone I can relate to. When things are going good, it’s easy to smile and be happy and productive. But when things get hard, that’s when the real fight begins. If you haven’t already, I would highly recommend watching these sermons by John Piper. I’ve been watching them for a while, but I still relapsed. It’s not okay that I relapsed, but I’ve been forgiven so I’ll get back up and try again. Despite how crappy it makes you feel, sexual failure is no worse than lying or hating or any other sin. Sin is sin. So even though this one feels addicting, I don’t believe I’m an addict. If the stakes are high enough and sure enough, we won’t give in. What’s temporary to eternal?

This is a little parable that puts things in perspective. This is why I use the word “relapse” instead of “screwed up,” “fell,” or “slipped up.” Although I do believe we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves, I think it’s important to understand that sin is something we willingly do. God always provides an escape from temptation. (1 Corinthians 10:13). How is there an escape if we fell? There is always an escape, hence it is a temporary abandoment of the pursuit of Christ, not a slip-up.

This excerpt also helped me. God is more powerful than we give him credit for.

This article explains the strategy I’ve been using. It works really well, but I failed to do it today. It basically uses the 5-second rule you mentioned earlier. I failed because I didn’t say no to Satan within 5 seconds. Instead, I said, “Well, if I just look up the images and peek out of the corner of my eye, but not really looking at them, it’s not really a sin, is it?” This is unrelated to what’s discussed in this link here, but coming close to looking at ■■■■ is a sin. The Bible warns about this in Proverbs 7. It talks about how the youth who had no sense walked near the adulterous woman’s house. Verse 25 really sets it in stone: “Do not let your heart… stray into her paths.” This can be applied here. Don’t open incognito. Don’t go close to the adulterer’s house.

This sermon really helps with guilt after a relapse:

Also, if you are willing to spend some time, you can break these into shorter listening sessions, but these sermons are also really helpful. In it, Pastor John explains how our relationship with a woman is meant to reveal God and bring us closer to him. It’s actually way more deep than I previously thought. I highly recommend checking this out:

Anyways, I hope you have a great week! I am also a 16 yo dealing with PMO and other things. If you want to, feel free to DM me, especially if you have any questions. Stay hard (the good kind of hard) :muscle:

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I appreciate the resources. I’m not much of a Christian anymore, but I’ll still give them a watch at some point. I need to spend more time studying religion but I haven’t.

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Saturday, May 20th, 8:36 PM - Continued Writing on Sunday, May 21st, 2:48 PM

My mindset is a jumbled mess. I talk a lot about my mindset, or my ideal mindset, and I know what it’s supposed to look like and be like:

  • A guy who believes in himself
  • A guy who doesn’t count the days, but monitors his progress
  • A guy who does what he doesn’t feel like doing but because it is necessary
  • A guy who doesn’t care what other people think of him, but will know if something is actually wrong and will change it, or a guy who has built such strong relationships that people will care enough to tell him if something is wrong
  • A guy who doesn’t do NoFap for the benefits, but does it because - (I haven’t figured that one out yet, I’ll talk about this in a minute)
  • A guy who does things out of love, but also because he is strong and it is his duty to do so
  • A guy who knows that his work will be long and will be painful at times, but he works even harder because it is worth it

A lot of those are more like the ideal guy rather than the ideal mindset, but they all work together to make the guy I wanted to be.

I mentioned earlier that I haven’t found out my why for NoFap. I used to have reasons, but as I have changed so have my reasons, and now I no longer have good solid reasons. I guess I could say that I’m doing it for my girlfriend, and that’s good, but it can’t just be for her. It’s also got to be for me. Because if I’m not good enough just by myself then I don’t deserve her. The whole reason I decided to start writing this post is because I realised I was blaming PMO for my bad life, but it’s me. And I was doing NoFap to feel better, but that’s not how it works.

I changed my username to Finding_Myself for a reason. I am constantly changing, and learning, and figuring things out. Hopefully one day I will know more about myself. I honestly don’t know if it’s possible to ever truly understand yourself completely, but I’m going to try and find as much of me as I can. I want to understand the way I operate. I want to be me, but also be able to be the guy and have the mindset I listed above. Is this possible? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I can try.

My brain is a constant confusing mess. I feel like I’m almost a different person every day, like I have multiple personality disorder, but not at the same time. Does anyone ever feel like that? No one is prolly gonna read this anyways because it’s long and it’s probably confusing.

I’ve got to try and understand my thoughts and actions. Why is that even a thing? Why can’t I understand myself? Is that normal? What’s wrong with me? That doesn’t even make sense, to not understand one’s own self.

I’m getting older, it’s scary. I don’t want to think about college but I need to. I don’t know how I can think about college if I don’t even know what I want in life. I mean like I want money, and fame, but I know that it won’t be as great as it seems. Nothing we want but don’t need ever is. And I’ve got a feeling that religion is the solution to my problems, but I’m trying not to think about it.

I warned you all that my mind is a mess lol. None of that tied together it was just whatever I thought of next to put down.

If you read all of that you’re awesome, and thank you.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Peace :v:

3:19 PM

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Knowing your why is sometimes a crucial decision for someone. When you get tangled and don’t know your purpose you get distracted and disconnect from actual purpose for us- to worship God alone . In the ripe age of 16 even i have done some mistakes , i was also not in the condition of purpose, in fact I didn’t think for purpose.
You are thinking is itself a proof that you are responsible. Be proud of it. Your why is you, yourself! Remember what this filthy industry as well as society has done to our minds which led to the belief of toxicity, depression, low connectivity to real people especially the people related to you. Inshaallah you will find your why.

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If you’re serious about getting your life back together, I would highly recommend watching this: Full Monk Mode Guide: 4 Steps To Fix Your Life - YouTube

In fact, I would recommend all of Hamza’s videos, they really changed my life, and I think you would find it helpful. He has videos specifically about fapping too, but I think this video is a good place to start because you don’t seem to know your why yet. I think God is important, but if you’re just getting religion as a means to an end, you won’t receive the benefits. Hamza’s videos have nothing to do with religion. Just find an hour out of your crusty day to sit down, watch this video, and take notes. It will help.

I believe that my purpose on Earth is to dwell on Christ so that day by day I might be conformed to his glad image of indestructible joy. I want to be a place of refuge and eternal refreshment for a hopeless, joy-seeking world of people who do not know they are starved for the glory of the gladness of God in Jesus Christ. That’s what keeps me moving, even if I have to take small steps, even when I’m down bad, I know that this world is not my home. This little 2-second slice means nothing compared to eternity with the joy of Christ. Life’s rough, man. God created, and he has the power and right to take away, and it is all a reason to worship. If my life on Earth is miserable, then so be it. I’ll joyfully enter into misery because the stakes are high and my hope is in something much bigger.

I know I went on a long tangent here, but if you read this, you’re a legend. Keep your chin up, but keep your head down. Stay postive, stay focused, and conduct your business. If you have any questions, feel free to respond. If not, at the very least check out that crusty video I sent you. It will help. You got this, I’m praying for you

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Ok bro I see you :rofl:

Bro calm down with the crustiness :rofl:

For real though I appreciate all that and I did read it all. I’m going to watch the video before I go to bed. I appreciate you guys for reading my post and caring, it means a lot.

Mad respect to you for your devotedness to God. I can respect that way more than I respect myself. I know religion is the right way to go, but I’m still buckling down on where I’m at even if I know I’m wrong for this. I appreciate your resources and help brother.

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