This my healing journey diary. I will share my successes, failings and struggles here. I hope this will be helpful for me and others.
Support me by liking and commenting on my entries. Feel free to leave your questions and advice below. You can also read my story and follow me on Rewire Companion app: i8ms5o.
Thanks for reading my diary!
Today I’m writing this to hold myself accountable to the Rewire Companion community, to receive support and share some things that’ll maybe help others so that I quit ■■■■ forever and live a healthy, happy and good life. You can support me by liking or replying to this.
So far I’ve been free of PMO for 4 days, 16 hours and 20 minutes. I have a fear that I’ll lose control and relapse because things are seemingly going well. But I’m feeling good, happy and experiencing a healthy level of self-esteem/worth. I feel practicing mindfulness/vipassana meditation for about 30 minutes twice a day—once first thing in the morning, once in the evening—has helped me develop and maintain my self-awareness and self-control. I practice it as taught by SN Goenka and Henepola Gunaratana.
I also want to share another thing. I’ve been following Richard Grannon to heal my CPTSD. In one of his videos he talked about Alfred Alder. Alder took a different approach than Sigmund Freud. Instead of going into one’s past and asking what happened then that caused this, Adler would stay in the present and ask what purpose does this behavior serve. You can learn more about this on his video.
I decided to apply this to my problematic ■■■■ use. And here’re my answers:
What purpose does PMO-ing serve? It’s serving the purpose of destroying my life and self-sabotaging because I believe that’s what I deserve or worthy of—of being a loser, failure and unhappy. It’s serving the purpose of keeping me cozy and comfortable in my bad, unsuccessful and unhappy life—the life I’m familiar with and used to. It’s serving the purpose of keeping me away from the pain of taking action/working and the embarrassment and sometimes humiliation of trying/learning something new. It’s serving the purpose of keeping me away from the pain of being a winner, successful and of a happy and good life.
What am I gaining by PMO-ing? By PMO-ing, I’m gaining self-sabotage, destruction of my life, confirmation, reinforcement and alignment with my self-belief of being unworthy, worthless, loser and failure. I’m gaining the feeling of pleasure, easiness, coziness, comfort and familiarity with the poor and bad life that I’ve always known and used to. I’m gaining avoidance from the pain of taking action/working, embarrassment and humiliation of trying/learning something new, of being a winner, successful and of a happy and good life.
What will I lose if I stop PMO-ing? If I stop PMO-ing, I’ll lose the things I’m gaining .
What would my life look like if I stop PMO-ing? If I stop PMO-ing, my life would look like: me getting regular and enough quality sleep, waking up and going asleep same time everyday, me doing my spiritual practices, meditating, eating healthy, exercising and taking care of my body, mind and soul, me earning money, have a fulfilling social and intimate life, learning the things I wanna learn, traveling and having adventure and me being overall happy.
What can I do to be courageous? The first thing I wanna do to be courageous is to be okay with my pain—of being happy, having healthy self-worth, being respected, of taking action and moving towards a good, successful and happy life that is unfamiliar to me, that I’m not used to and risking getting embarrassed or humiliated—and take actions/steps towards my goals.
Please support me by acknowledging or replying to me. I hope you’ve find this relatable and helpful. Thanks for reading!
Current Streak: 7 days, 12 hours, 8 minutes
I’m happy and grateful to God that I’ve made it clean to day 7 in hard mode reboot. I had little semen discharges 2-3 times during this streak while peeing (without PMO or MO), but no nightfalls or wet dreams. Although I had a sexual dream today morning, but I didn’t orgasm or ejaculate.
I believe what helped me make it to day 7 are (in order of its strength):
God’s guidance, mercy and grace. This is all God’s will that I made days 7 clean. Probably my spiritual practices, my connection with and remembrance of God and asking help from God helped me too.
- Practicing mindfulness meditation twice a day (once first thing in the morning and once in the evening) and throughout the day. I feel this helped me develop and maintain strong self-control, self-awareness and awareness in general.
Not overstimulating my brain/mind with YouTube, social media and even music. I feel once my brain gets overstimulated, I get stressed and lose self control and do PMO to relief that stress.
- I didn’t had any downloaded ■■■■ videos on my laptop or phone. But I’ve also blocked all adult sites and NSFW mix-contents sites using CleanBrowsing. I used their Family Filter on both of my devices. I also don’t have internet at my home now. So I had to work from public places like coffee shops and libraries. Almost all of my PMOs have been in my home bedroom and bathroom. So keeping myself outta house helped I believe.
- Getting enough quality sleep everyday.
- Maybe intermittent fasting helped me too. I tried to do one meal a day one, but some days I broke it and kept myself well fed when I felt too stressed or hungry.
- Maybe being part of supportive communities helped me too. I attend a local in-person men’s support group weekly called The ManKind Project. I have a man from that group that I check-in weekly, whenever I need to talk to someone or when I relapse. I feel being part of this Rewire Companion community helped me too, especially reading others posts and supporting them.
I know many people have found cold showers helpful. I did cold showers in the past. But during this streak, I didn’t. I always took hot showers which I love. But I know cold showers have its own benefits.
Last Friday, I emailed the local Sexaholics Anonymous group. I plan to attend their weekly in-person meetings to get some more support.
And that’s all for now. Thanks for reading!
Streak: 11d 00h 10m
Just completed day 11. Somehow made it this far. Still doing the things that got it me to day 7, you can read my previous entry for that. Last two days and last week has been a total waste. Felt quite strong urges yesterday and today. But somehow got through them.
Need some support. Had a frustrating day today, a guy was super rude and bullying towards me. He misunderstood me and was very angry and upset with me when I haven’t done anything wrong. Also, things didn’t work out very well for me today. So I’m feeling really frustrated, angry and hurt today.
2 updates from the last one are that:
- I found out Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) is not for me because to be sober in SA I can only have sex within marriage. So, no ■■■■, no masturbation and no casual sex. They recommended me Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) instead because in SAA I get to choose my own definition of sobriety. So, for me, my inner circle would be masturbating and/or orgasming to ■■■■. middle circle would be with masturbating just by myself, even without ■■■■. Outer circle would be any kind of sex with a woman.
- I thought hard mode reboot or PMO reboot was just abstinence from masturbation and orgasm from ■■■■. But after reading NoFap’s article on reboot, I found out that PMO or hard mode reboot means abstaining from all those 3—■■■■, masturbation and all kinds of orgasm—orgasming by having sex with a woman is also not allowed. So, this is also not for me. My reboot will be mostly abstaining from PMO until I find a woman, then I’ll do PM reboot because I wanna have sex and orgasm if I want to and I don’t think there’s anything wrong or problematic about that for me.
That’s all for now. Thanks for reading! Please share your advice, questions and words of encouragement below.
Streak: 0d 20h 39m
My last diary entry was on May 10th, almost 2 weeks ago. During that time, I’ve won and lost many times. I managed to go without PMO for 15 days (April 30th to May 14th). On that night, I woke up around 3am and MOed without P. Then I PMOed the day after that, then I was 3 days PMO-free. This month the last 3 days have been the worst. I PMOed 6 times on May 21st, then 5 times yesterday and 4 times the day before yesterday. I’m sober now for almost a day.
I PMOed over 5 times for last 3 days because I felt super stressed about everything. I was focusing on too many things all at the same time. I’ve now cut off everything and chosen only one focus. I’ve been reading The ONE Thing by Gary Keller. I plan on reading Essentialism by Greg McKeown next.
Another reason I relapsed was because I kinda neglected my health, especially my physical health. Although I was exercising, I wasn’t eating healthy. I felt my body was lacking proper nutrition. So now I’m committed to building my health again Also, I’m focusing on my mental and spiritual health. I’m feeling having routines for my life has also been helpful.
Thanks for reading!