Hello there ._./
Name’s Dan. Believe it or not, this is my first time ever being on any kind of forum. In this topic, I will try to check in daily, talking about whatever, trying to get through the forbidden barrier of 31 days which I never managed to go through under normal circumstances. By abnormal circumstances I mean multiple streaks where due to a factor that I cannot replicate, such as moving into a new city, I was able to reach high streaks such as a 162 days back in 2021.
I was never able to journal for long. It’s similar to many daily habits I tried to implement - only certain things stick. I have good hopes for this next streak. I recently learned to “Serf” urges and thoughts in general, but it feels mana-dependent, I can only keep it up for so long and sometimes it’s too short. If I watch P or edge my ability to keep a cool head decreases drammatically, so I have to move away from P entirely.
Rewire companion is also a 3rd nofap app, which I used while I was a passive member of the community.
About me:
An ackwardly social, slightly excentric guy with a lot of hobbies, who’s been trying to quit for the last 6 years and found out about the NoFap community about three years ago. English is a second language. Impulsive from nature, was taught to keep face from childhood. Enjoy sport very much. Especially running. A writer for myself and an artist. Never really shared much of my drawings or writings, despite how much I personally love them.
Confession:
I hate confessions.
I hate to talk about myself with a burning passion, it’s the only thing I can cringe about, but I’ve just read a confession from another person, who’s not much better, which inspired me to try.
PMO is like a secret life of mine. A really socially innapropriate secret life with no real benefits on it’s own. That unlike significantly more appropriate alcoholism and smoking, which I was able to avoid entirely. This fact and my family’s support is probably the only few things that keep me sane. Two months ago a relative of mine, a phychologist, agreed to consult me, but I never really told her about what and how much I watch. And I watch a lot. Every session I watch about 3 hours on average, up to 8, when I’m on holidays. All kinds of stuff, but mostly drawn stuff, the forbidden fruit. Not always, but sometimes non-consentual stuff, underage-looking girls and s@men-fetish. In time, morals deteriorate in this enviroment, and while I concider this completely inapropriate and entirely disadvantagious, my concience does not say anything. It does however remind of itself on third day of the streak, when I feel extremely guilty for how I still can’t keep my promises to quit. Paradoxically, I feel genuinly intrested in the development of tags and authors. My two last major relapses were caused by continued intrest in one of the authors, who posts weekly. It’s like a favorite regular journal, but instead of newsflash you get a kick in the head. And you like it. I also have a history of using unconventional methods of trying to maximize pleasure when fapping. Thinking about this shit with a clear head is trauma indusing. Another problematic thing is that I never managed to close myself off of P. Blockers, deleting apps, screentime limiting, and everything. It might take a dozen hours to get to it, but I still manage. Even if I remove electronics entirely, once I don’t have anything to do, I’ll just start having urges fantasizing about my own body (it is as bad as it sounds) and then (best case scenario) I’d draw a kick-■■■ straight h@ntai manga on a few A4 pages.
I cannot get myself distracted from urges and focus on my hobbies. The only way to distract myself is working a mentally demanding job 16 hours/day 7 days/week. As such I have to actively serf urges and any other cravings (Like Youtube) every single time they arise over multiple weeks. Kept it up between 1st and 13th of Febrary this year. Watched on 13th. Tried to get back up without MO. Chased. Felt incredibly lonely and jealous of many guys around me having girlfriends. Relapsed today.
Current Tasks are now as stated:
1)Pull mindset back up and break through the first two barriers, 3-4th day and 7-8th day urges. They are mostly biological urges.
2)Survive endurance run that is 9 to 16 days, with the end of the second week being really challenging. This barrier is mostly psychological, as at this point, I don’t register any benefits yet, but already start forgeting about disadvantages. This is also about the time when the “Surge” ends for me and I become much less energetic, despite gradual increase in self confidence. I don’t think I ever had problems with self confidence.
3)Get to 31.
4)Do not think that you’re out of the waters when you do.
A lot of words but whatever. I wrote as long as I felt it. It might prove useful in keeping discipline up.
Also, to make checking in more enjoyable for me, I’ll be putting a random fact or idea of the day into every post.
Idea of the day: (1)
Chinese characters despite being notoriously difficult, even when simplified, will probably never be changed into something easier. This is due to three factors:
- The structure of chinese syllables is such that even despite addition of tones speech would still be very difficult to write down phonetically. There just isn’t enough sounds and syllable structure is too strict to be able to express all the information they need to the reader.
- In China there’s a lot of dialects, speakers of which can’t understand each other, but they all use the same characters and as such can communicate.
- Culture connected to it.
