Thank you for your reply, @Special_Bird. I appreciate your taking the time to think about what I had to say and responding to it. Thank you for sharing your opinion on what it means to you to be a man.
By your response, I can see where I have been unskillful in what I wrote. You asked, “I’m curious though, how do you see violence towards women on a digital platform with barely any women? Also where have you seen misygony and homophobia here?”
It would’ve been better for me to give you specific quotations, but I honestly don’t have them. However, I have seen the word “bitch” used repeatedly on the message board and in many posts on forums. While I would agree that some used it more generally (i.e., “Don’t be a bitch, just stop fapping,” or “Stop bitching and just get over it.”), some have used it to blame women for their addictions and miseries (i.e., “Not gonna let these bitches keep me down,” or "Fuck bitches, do this for yourself.). Again, these are not direct quotes, just something to demonstrate the content of what I remember reading. And even though the things I described as general were not directed at women, they are still misogynistic as they ultimately refer to women in a derogatory way. And the use of that word is not the only instance of seeing misogynistic language, but it’s an obvious one to point to.
Anyway, anyone blaming anyone other than themselves for their addiction or misery is just deflecting their own responsibility to heal themselves. When men blame women for their suffering, or objectify them (such as in porn), this is very dangerous because then these men may begin to hate women and perpetrate violence toward them solely based on them being women, not individuals. Combine that with porn, where sex is often rough or violent, and a society that values men more than women, and you get things like sexual abuse, etc.
It’s kind of like how the porn industry and other media and cultural values do violence to men’s sexuality and self-esteem through body shaming and unrealistic expectations like men aren’t allowed to express their emotions, etc.
The homophobic language I have seen is usually “that gay shit,” used in a derogatory way, (i.e., “I was only addicted to straight porn, not that gay shit.”). People could’ve said “gay porn” and gotten their point across. Do you see why I am referring to it as homophobic? It’s not necessary to say “that gay shit” if you are not homophobic.
I’m not trying to use “misogynistic” or “homophobic” as insults. Some of what I’ve read on Rewire is just the dictionary definition of those words. If we can’t engage in conversation without getting offended by words like this, we have very little chance to put an end to things like the porn industry.
“I just am kind of irritated how passive aggressively you attacked us then asked us a question like you are about to go on a rant because we are all wrong and you have the right answer.”
Thank you for letting me know you were feeling irritated. That is helpful in clarifying your personal response to what I said.
I honestly did not think I was being passive-aggressive. But I will admit my questions about masculinity and misogyny + homophobia we’re leading and I regret that. I could’ve simply asked the question “What are everyone’s thoughts on masculinity?” So, point taken.
If you notice, I started the original post off by talking about what I really value about this platform. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a place like this before, where so many men who have been hurt and afflicted by the porn industry have a safe place to share their experiences and to support each other. I actually think that is sacred.
But in my mind, there is a strong connection between how boys and men are taught to think of girls and women and how they learn to treat them in our society, and PMO. There is also a strong connection between self-hatred and shaming, and addiction. Self-hatred, hatred of women, hatred of gay people, and PMO are not happening in a vacuum. They are all directly connected. Because they are connected, I don’t see a way NOT to address them on an app dedicated to nofap.
Also, no one owns what it means to be a man or masculine. Even if most people in a room agree on political beliefs, that does not mean others cannot define themselves as men or masculine. For example, part of being a man and masculine to me is being a feminist.
Anyway @Special_Bird, I wish you no ill will and nothing but the best on your nofap journey. I appreciate your response and I hope Rewire continues to be a source of support. Thank you for responding to my initial post and giving us a chance to communicate. Please feel free to respond here or DM me if you want. I would be interested in your thoughts on this post.