I had a hard exam yesterday. I didn’t have enought time to prepare for it properly and I started spiraling during studying so I got a C, but I felt relieved that it was over.
I took samples from patients who reported symptoms of Covid-19 today. We went to their homes (me and the driver, we’re both volunteers), so we travelled through the county.
It was a good day, I really enjoyed talking with people, especially with the driver. I just met him, he’s the same age and we could talk about a lot of interesting topics. (Please don’t tell anyone but I had a feeling that he’d be a match to one of my girlfriends. I decided that I’m not going to do about this anything at the moment. We’ll see what’s going to happen in the future, if we’re going to be friends than they’re going to meet each other anyway… )
It’s1:26 am here, I’ve just had a nightmare in which I relapsed . It took me 10 minutes to calm down and realise that it was just a dream and I didn’t actually do it. Now I feel a little more better.
My reality check was that I couldn’t remember thinking of you, this forum and opening the app before the relapse. So thank you!
However, in my dream after that I knew that I had to confess it to you… interesting.
The only advantage of having a dream like this that I even more hate the think of a relapse.
Staying in bed is the same for me. Very easy to get urges, especially with a phone. I leave my phone downstairs, so I have a much lower chance of relapse. When I’ve just woken up, I’m at my weakest.
I’m still struggling sometimes with shame.
I’m desperately longing to go back in time and change things.
To help and to support my teenager self to come out of it before really falls into addiction.
To tell her that she is loveable and capable of anything.
To teach her how to cope with stress and anxiety, how to be brave.
To show her how to be a good friend, how to take care of others and how to say no to toxic people.
I’d like to explain her what grace is. How God sees and loves her and ready to forgive her everything.
But I can’t. The only thing I can do is grieving the past and changing the future. So it’s better to focus on that, I guess.
At times, I think the same things. I want to go back in time and solve the problem before it started, but that’s not how you learn things. You learn by making mistakes, and fixing them. And besides, it’s not possible to go back anyways. You will come out of this journey stronger than you would have been without experiencing it. You know yourself so much better because of this experience. It happened, and that sucks, but there’s a lot we can learn from these experiences.
Maybe think about what your future self would want to tell you now, instead of trying to tell you past self something. You probably won’t know what your future self will want to say, but that’s okay. Try to make it so your future self has nothing to say to your present self. Do your best to live to your ideals and live life to its fullest.
Take care
This song you posted…made me cry because you see I was rebellious as a Christian and at times it was hard to confirm my belief due to my faith not being as strong as it should be. I was also a youth pastor’s kid and don’t know if that makes any difference.
My life has been as a double life kind of thing. Guess my disguise is like a mask, I want to put it on when I feel like and not as much as I should.
Also having a diagnosis as a BiPolar, doesn’t help as well.
In time though I hope and pray I can finally take the chains that hold me in bondage to the sin. I hope one day I can say I have reached my goal and stay away from PMO. I am 10 days strong and hope to surpass my longest streak which I am glad about. Also another thing, do you have any other eye opening music videos? In this time for me to requarantine it would be nice to have something motivational to listen to because in times of depression for me I turn my back back to sin and guess that is the fault of my mentality as a girl. I have self-esteem and self-confidence to survive these urges that make one happy for a second instead of a lifetime of pure happiness.
PS wishing you the best in your journey hope to read more about it and support you in every way I can. As some people like to say, “Strength rises in numbers!”
I like the maturity in your posts. You’re gonna be cured soon.
That’s so good you spent your free time on nostalgy and overthinking rather than relapsing. Now get up end prepare for your exams xd
I loved this song @comingclean. Even though Iam not a Christian it bought some peace into my heart. I think this song can help us when urges hit. Iam saving this song. Thanks for sharing it @comingclean. @Attempt_Two_Electric_Boogaloo I agree with you brother. Only when we hit the rock bottom in life we’ll get to know the greatness and magnificence of our life. This is our chance to make our greatest come back and doing that together is the best thing in this world. Iam so happy to be with you people in this Journey where we are becoming the best version of ourselves. That is what God wants us to do.
Thank you. I think it’s amazing that our relatively small (active) group of people on this forum can keep eachother going so well in beating one of the hardest addictions around. I wouldn’t know, but I expect that such a wonderful community doesn’t exist for people wanting to stop smoking or drinking, for example. I love each and every one of you, not only for helping others improve their live, but also for improving your own life.
By sharing, and giving, we strengthen ourselves and receive even more from the community.
I was not religiously raised, and don’t regard myself as religious, but I’m beginning to understand more and more why people would turn to religion. I’m becoming more and more tolerant to other people’s religions, where my parents weren’t to a great degree. I’ll definitely come back to this song when I need to stop myself from acting upon urges.
edit: next time I’m going to answer you seperately because this way I found it a little bit impersonal* after I sent the reply. (*Sorry about that.)
Jen, @jam5c I’ll send you a message in the next days, at the latest on Thursday. Until then: yes, I’ve made a playlist recently.
This is a good piece of advice! Thank you @Attempt_Two_Electric_Boogaloo You’d make a good therapist. (Therapists after all are nothing but professional friends and you’re a good friend.)
Thank you, @Hubinho! Your words meant a lot to me.
Understood.
I agree with you, @Tagore. I always like to read your posts and comments, your positivity is truly inspiring. You have a talent to encourage others. Thank you!
Good question. I’m going to write about it in the next days.
Dear sister @comingclean I went through your diary and felt happy that you are making good Improvements. I saw instances where you conquered some urges. Great job! Keep going like this. You are a strong woman who has unlimited potential within you. Jesus is with you. All you have to do is, as I tell to all my brother companions, unleash the inner beast
I’ll also suggest you add meditation, affirmation, visualization etc into your daily routine if those things aren’t there. This is a process in which we are changing our entire life, so those things will come handy
I’m going to let you know what worked for me 
but I had a feeling that he’d be a match to one of my girlfriends. 
I decided that I’m not going to do about this anything at the moment. We’ll see what’s going to happen in the future, if we’re going to be friends than they’re going to meet each other anyway… 
)
. It took me 10 minutes to calm down and realise that it was just a dream and I didn’t actually do it. 
Now I feel a little more better.
hope to read more about it and support you in every way I can. As some people like to say, “Strength rises in numbers!”
and doing nothing about it.