4th relapse since my last decent streak ended. I know I’m ruining my life and I don’t seem to care. There’s nothing anyone can say or do right now that’s gonna change the way I feel.
I know what to do. But I don’t trust myself to do it. My self-esteem is destroyed. I feel like an imposter. I boast about the things I’m gonna achieve knowing that I will never achieve them because I will never put in the effort it takes. I’m angry because of my failure just now and I feel like I’m gonna overcome any obstacle in my way. But I know this feeling too will pass and I will return to being the same old guy. All this writing is futile.
In a few days I’ll start having urges again. They will start in the form of some innocent romantic thoughts and quickly morph into the most obscene imagery. I won’t fight back because I’ve tried several times only to relapse over and over again. This vicious cycle will continue for several days until one day I would be utterly exhausted and think to myself that enough is enough. This will be followed by a decent streak and then I’ll relapse again. And the cycle continues.
No! no!
This is not good. I know you will do something about this but don’t loose hope that’s what that devil want. And yeah the romantic thoughts and that imagery, the devil is trying this tricks on me too…
As you also know, this work cannot be done half-heartedly and why don’t you tell yourself right now that enough is enough? You already started thinking about relapse!
I’ve been trying for more than a decade man. I feel frustrated but I will not give up. Even if it means trying till the end. I’m just ashamed of saying it out loud. Because I feel my words are empty. Anyways, thanks for caring man. I hope we all win.
I’ve been there in not trusting myself. There’s one thing you’re right about though and it’s:
The only person that can change that is you. Other people can’t make you succeed at this.
The only thing that’s worked for me is just to give everything to God and just give him my time. We’re all weak, but through our weakness His power is made perfect. 2 Corinthians 12:9.
I have a question. Do you prefer where you are at right now? Or do you prefer being walking towards freedom in it?
Last thing I’ll say is this, you don’t have to make any claims of this streak being the one or that you’re finally going to beat it. Those statements don’t really help, at least, I’ve personally found that out from doing that many times. Just because you’ve relapses doesn’t mean you start from scratch or square one. You’ve gained experience through success you’ve had in the past.
Edit: Accidently sent before I was done.
Use that wisdom and experience. You probably know what you’re weak too. Use that to do 1 small step. Praying for you.
I have considered looking to God for strength. But I have had a very turbulent relationship with God. And my doubts would prevent me from being a good follower.
I don’t know your history obviously, but I believe it’s okay to have doubts. When I do, and I definitely have had doubts and worries and I’ve been not sure, I try share those with Him.
I’m not here to convince you of God or that you need to do it how it’s worked for me though. I’ve just found all the advice and help and encouragement I can give to anyone is all a gift from Him. So I can’t take credit for that.
You said you’ve been dealing with this for over a decade, I have too. I’m 31, not sure exactly the age I started but it’s been at least 15 years probably maybe a little bit more than that, so I get it. It’s a challenging road to walk when you’ve stepped up to the challenge countless times and then fail. It’s very easy to see all of this ‘evidence’ of “I’m not a man of my word, everytime I’ve done this I’ve failed sooner or later. I can’t even believe myself when I say I don’t want to do this anymore.”
People might think I’m crazy for this, but I don’t care.
About 2 or 3 months ago I had a setback and after that setback I was praying. All of a sudden I felt like He was telling me that He has something He wants to give me in 6 months. 6 months of purity. I’ve had a couple of setbacks since then and I’m only 22 days in. The tone/impression I felt of that was one of belief. I felt He actually believed I could do it. Even when I didn’t. Just that tone/belief I felt had basically has changed everything for me.
I still don’t believe that I’m personally capable. The only thing that makes me capable is all of what I’ve learned and received from Him. I’m not even trying to do this to make it to 6 months or what he has for me, (even though I am excited for those things,) It’s almost like, there a part of me where if He says I can do it. It’s done. I can’t make Him a liar. He only speaks truth.
Anyway, I’ll stop talking now lol. I just wanna see people free. I think part of that is to not beat yourself up. The thoughts people think about themselves and the words they say about themselves have power. If someone thinks or says about themselves, “I’m not getting out of this.” then they’re not going to. It’s better to say nothing about yourself then to speak and think negativity.
SAITAMA HAS NO LIMITS, Man I’m so proud of you fighting this thing for 10 years, I’m sure there will come a time when you’d look back and think about the sacrifices you made, YOU’LL SMILE WITH TRUE JOY
This just breaks my heart man… I can feel everything your wrote in your post personally . I relate can to your feelings . That’s exactly how I used to feel last year after I broke a decent streak .
I used to tell myself things like this everyday and I left me so shredded that I am changed completely after it , even after I could get out of it for long , my inner self was destroyed and I can’t imagine what you might have gone through in more than 10 years if just 1 year changed me like this .
But there’s no winning like this , even if one wins , there’s no happiness . The one thing I learnt after the year is I had to fight the addiction , hate the cause and not myself . Telling words degrading your self image to yourself kills you from inside . I didn’t even realize when that negativity had completely engulfed me and that I started to relate my failure to every failure in life .
But Don’t lose hope bro . I am in a similar situation to you too , I fell in the trap twice . But what pushes me to fight harder is the guilt and fear of seeing myself in the mirror like this . This guilt was lost for long in a situation I didn’t feel anything .
And the post relapse motivation you talked about can be used as a sword too . That’s the part where you think are most conscience stricken . Last time , I chose to journal and meditate it . Took almost 20 mins , I thought of everything I had done in the past time , every wrong step I took and then I drew a comparison of the things which I had lost completely , what I could’ve been and the type of person I had become than what I was earlier . And the amount of loss pained me , I had lost the reason to try anything but reading all of that provided me insight of my goal . Its embedded in my subconscious till now and whenever I feel low , I read it again .
You cannot let yourself down , you will need yourself to fight this . Fighting the addiction , out of fear or the loss of yourself will leave you hollow . Guilt is necessary but I use it as a rage to burn the addiction . You have to hate the addiction , not yourself . Fight to take back everything the devil seized from you . But most importantly , think positive about yourself . Its much more difficult to fight with a broken mind and loss of trust on yourself . Be proud of the experiences you have gained and the sacrifices you have made , rejoice the struggle . Be confident of yourself that you never gave up and still fighting . I have been to many worse phases in par to my age , but I always knew I would never give up even if I forgot who I was . I know you have a lot more experience about this , I can tell if you try to use the best of it , the solution to all of your problems will be found by you only . I realized this when I started journalling . It helped to see myself from third person view and connect dots of my life , identify problems and their solutions .
And about the God thing , Idk how to cherish one’s believe in it . If I tell about me personally , I always imagined them as just a cosmic power instead of any figure . If I have survived this long , its because he was always with me and I acknowledge his presence . I know he will never let me lose , I have more faith in him than myself and its all because I have experienced his power. There are things and times in life where you have no idea what’s going to happen ahead , and then after it everything comes out to be the best and you have no idea how it happened . Before every long streak , I have had long streches of relapses but there has always been something different after the relapse I change myself , I cannot fully explain it , there’s not much difference in the motivation level but all that happens to hit is one feeling which gives me power and then I go rogue fighting like mad man . I don’t know where I get that power from . And since from my childhood , I have become what I am only because of his part in my life .
Without them , I am even worse than a normal person . But his part in my destiny combined with my hardwork make me achieve a little more than what an average person could do . I think that if I don’t give my best , there’s no help from him as well . All I have to do is sheer hardwork and commitment and leave all the results upon him . The strength to do that hardwork , to tackle every low time and the results of my hardwork are all provided by him . All the wisdom I have gained during this journey is a result of that hardwork .
Lastly , you are a strong warrior brother . Mad respect for fighting for all these 10 years .
Your hardwork and wisdom will always remain with you , you have more potential than you can imagine , just try to get the best out of it and eliminate negativity . Trust yourself , you will make it . We will always be there by your side .
I will pray that you get the life your deserve .
Finally made it to day 1. Nothing has changed though. I’m still struggling with a desire to take the path of least resistance. I occasionally find myself edging.
Looks like it’s time to fight. Because there’s no point if you only win the easy battles.
Here are some things that would mean a relapse for me now.
Edging/ prone edging
Failing to shun urges or intrusive thoughts within 30 secs of their occurrence
Watching non-academic YouTube videos
Listening to songs
Not waking up before 8 am
No social media (fb, insta, reddit, etc.) except RC
I’m gonna do an experimental run for one week wherein I won’t reset the counter but report my failure to keep any of the aforementioned terms in my journal. Doing a test run first because such draconian rules could turn out to be discouraging and cause more harm than good. However, If it turns out to be feasible, this is what I’ll stick to for the next several months until my target exam.
P.S. Some of the terms might be modified or new terms may be added along the way to maximize benefits.
I didn’t know you’ve been fighting this for such a long time. Glad to see you’re back and giving it a go. It’s never too late for us, I often feel the same way about trusting myself. I too have had this addiction for a very long time. I relate to alot of what is said here though. I hope you find what you’re looking for in life, brother. Keep going!
Relapse
More like relapse after relapse after relapse…
Fuck the exam. I’m gonna start looking for a job now. Once I get it I’m gonna move out of my parent’s house. Will update my CV and start applying. Getting a job shouldn’t be a problem. Getting a good job is a different story. But anything will do right now.
Honestly speaking, I’m not even trying anymore.
It’s like I’ve decided in my head that fighting it is too much of a burden so I just get it over with whenever the urges hit. And I’ve also resumed watching corn. That full-blown addict kinda corn watching where I have 15-20 tabs open.
When I was on a good streak, the sexual fantasies that ensued urges were still decent. However, in my current situation, with the series of relapses and unfettered corn watching, the fantasies are also taking more and more perverse forms.
All the progress has gone down the drain. I am back to square one.
I’m not afraid of rebuilding from scratch. What I am afraid of is ending up in the same place over and over again.
reading your comment felt like a brother in God advising me, God bless you 
