Sunday 7th
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith
I wrote and obsessed over something.
Like that Buddhist quote about the two monks, and one of them carrying the lady at the river;
I’ve carried that thing which I’ve resolved, and mentally have done many times, and it’s stayed with me, and I’ve been emotionally responding to situations mentally, through that lens.
It also makes me think about spiritual nourishment, and NoFap nourishment.
To renew so as not to stray, to keep re-enforcing, and remember why we came here.
I had some other insightful thoughts today, but I struggle to remember right now…
What was it?..
I’ve spent so much time on pushing my points on others. Why? For many reasons, conscious and unconscious.
“you don’t have to feel shit after a relapse”
“you don’t need to been a guilt cycle with God”
“some people pmo, and still live a full and abundant life” (though I don’t hold to these about myself, but see it in others and their lifestyle)
I already know these things, and have done for a long time. True or false, I waste my NoFap spirit on this cycle, not treating myself and my issues.
I’ve been in places where I didn’t care, I didn’t worry about pmo, I had no shame, but as I grew older, overtime it just didn’t feel right. I even gladly become committed to Christ, baptised and all, when I was 29, but I didn’t make to much of a deal about pmo and sex, but knew it was something I wanted to work at. I committed to a relationship with a wonderful sweet girl I’d marry without doubt - but that’s in the past now.
I was glad of my mindset back then, it was very loving - I was madly in love, I loved everyone and everything. Yes, I did pmo, and I was in a casual relationship before and during getting to know the girl I feel in love with, and she wasn’t all that sexual which I didn’t mind, but was often happy about. Pmo and sex, to please the self, has many times left me with unsatisfactory feelings. This was not a relationship I’d want to spoil.
But the eventual long distance, and me & my unchallenged pmo (I’d now describe myself then as a Sunday Catholic with spiritual leanings) I got lazy,… You know how it is after a pmo, you don’t really like chatting to people, you feel dirty, secretive, and ashamed if not slightly as a person of God, or for most part, have acquired ideals.
I got lazy and I messed up a few times, being selfish and not taking into consideration how she might see things. Anyway,… Moving on,…
The next phase, was I started going to church regularly in the week while I was in Germany for a short period, and I started practicing that back home, here in UK. And that’s when I really started addressing pmo. Though I had had a few long stints (streaks) prior.
But eventually after many confessions and daily Mass, struggling again to fight back, I came here, and I am here.
I wanted to get away from pmo, I didn’t want to be in confession every week for the same thing, but to look at other areas of my life that could improve, in joy with God. Learning and being pragmatic about human nature is fun, delightful and rewarding, and nobody is excluded.
But I’ve moved far away from this,… I don’t know where I am with this.
Philosophy and ideas, as good as they are, are not helping me at the moment, but are more like a vice, something that keeps me from being able to think freely. Spirituality is not that.
I’m overloaded and one side heavy.
It’s been over a year here for me, there is philosophy that looks fallacious to me, and that’s okay,… I don’t have to know, and I don’t have to be right. I should, we should be able to make errors, that’s how we learn. We try, with confidence and freedom.
God is where we are at, and he will provide and always does to those who seek 
I’m only a couple of years away from 40, and I’m extremely lucky I actually have a brilliant and interesting life, but I’ve become ignorant and ungrateful of it. Yeah, I’m single and have been for a long time, but so what? I’ve had fun, do I want family? Kids? 
I don’t know.
But, I do want to sort this pmo business out, seriously. My sexuality is distorted and other mental areas, I think. I think my shadow is quite dense, and when it takes control is volatile.
If I get drunk while in a good mood, I become really wild and daring,… It can be funny, but that side of me I find repulsive.
It’s like, when I partake in something thats normal to others that has become unfamiliar to me, I go too far.
It’s why I get concerned about people here being brutal about it all, and the ideas we come up with. I just hope there’s some balance.
While saying that though, I feel somewhat of a hypocrite, as people may find strength in repression and might against pmo related things and do well with it.
I guess one answer to that is being adaptable and going on the ride, adjusting it with time, hopefully with God alone doing the leading.
But yeah, anyway, its a really strong point for me. We repress and it backfires with double the force.
I say these things, yet, I can’t help but repress still, and become naive to what I’m actually like.
I relapsed this morning
I’ve been smoking weed recently… A few weeks into the lockdown, and my mate offered me a joint, since then I started smoking it, my elderly friend got back on it, and now I’m back at that place of stressing about it - but I’m okay at the moment. This kind of thing has happened many times in the past,… But this time, I’ve just got to let be, be. There’s no use, and it probably makes the whole thing worse, that I moan, complain, try and be tough about not doing it, that air of judgement comes across.
Who am I to look down on others for what they choose? It’s never intentional, I’m just weak and easily tempted.
My elderly friend said another amazing thing the other week; “My elder friend (Mr So & so) used to say ‘compulsive masturbation’ is what is bad for the soul”
It’s funny, it puts a better perspective on Catholic confession which he is dubious of, but very respectful of Catholic practices.
He had a friend who took his own life, which he thinks has a lot to do with a Catholic guilt trip over masturbation and confession.
I did watch Mass today, a sweet dear old Irish priest who also used sign language.
The communion prayer got to me. When I recited the words, it was like Jesus answered immediately, “I am already in you”
but you’re right, with discipline and strict rules we can form better habits for ourselves. Today I was successful actually in leaving my phone on the charger and going and getting my coffee. It was good, I think creating a very specific plan the night before as to what I would do the next morning really helped. Stay strong bro 
we can do this!
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