How do we input our info into the poll?
Day 39. Check in. “Stay close to anything that makes you glad. You are alive here in the world😃”
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Week 3 - Fri, April 3, 2020 - Streak: 1 day
Totally forgot to check in last night for Thursday. I had a lot of things on my mind last night.
Yesterday was good, no tracer relapse, but I’m still within the 3 day rebound, so I need to be cautious.
I think the big problem right now is I’m not writing when I feel urges, and the last couple of times I have been concious of this but decided I didn’t need to. That’s just stupid. If I want to beat this addiction, I need to commit 100%. I have the time for it too, so there’s no excuses. Time to take responsibility.
Ok talk to you guys later today.
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Friday 3rd April 
Hope you’re doing well @Gk-00
@Forodwaith to edit there is a pencil icon on the bottom right. I don’t mind helping if you need.
This is a daily commitment, routine, practice for the week, and next, and the whole month.
@Forodwaith “Viewed” is a more optimistic way of saying looking at p.
It’s about breaking negative connections 
Thanks be to God for today
This place and companions, and the work I do.
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Week 3 - Fri, April 3, 2020 - Streak: 0 days
Relapsed. I’m so angry, do you ever relapse and just feel like you have no desire to ever find love or date anyone? I feel like that now, but more than I ever had. I hate this addiction.
Got a trigger from this thing thats going on, this decision I have to make. I’m afraid, I don’t want to miss something important and disappoint everyone, but I also don’t know if I want the accompanying problems that may arise with going forward with it.
I just want to disappear right now.
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Saturday, April 4
Hi guys, all good. Yesterday I had a clean day, feeling better. Let’s make it two!
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You will miss plenty beautiful things, you don’t want to flash your life down the toilet because this addiction. Look at me, because this, my confidence is shattered, I can’t talk in a group of people, everyone talks I can’t say nothing, I just shut up and feel awkward and they point on me weirdo. You overcome this once, you can do it again.
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Week 3 - Sat, April 4, 2020 - Streak: 1 day
@Mazerunner Thank you man, you are right, I don’t want to see my life pass me by and have wasted it doing this. I’ve got to step up to the plate and take full responsibility here.
Had urges today, saying the same thing as yesterday. But I said f*** that, I’m not going to mess around anymore. I’ve set a plan to journal again, mornings, afternoons, and then my daily check in at night. And journal when I get urges.
A big issue too is me waking up late and going to bed late. I got back on schedule but then I pushed it out again. No more. For now on I wake up at 9:30 every morning and stick to it. Doesn’t matter how much sleep I get.
I have to get back in this fight, what’s the point of going on like this?
Let’s do this guys 
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Sunday, April 5
Relapsed, both yesterday and today. But I managed to not do it yesterday night, doing it before sleeping is a huge temptation for me.
Starting again, I want to do better than this.
I think I need to fill my days more, this quarantine is leaving a lot of idle moments in which I get lazy and are huge triggers. I’m thinking about resuming some online courses that I left behind, using this time to learn stuff and prepare for when the situation will come back to normal.
I also need to tidy up my sleep schedule, waking up and going to bed earlier.
One thing at a time, we will do it
And also, happy Palm Sunday to all fellow Christians here 
Hoping you are having a pleasant day!
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Sunday, 5th April 2020.
LOL - One check in a week is progress at this point.
The times are tough right now. Tough is an understatement. But tough times create tough men. This is a time to get to know ourselves deeply and understand the roots of the addiction. We cannot underestimate the amount of pain we’re trying to escape through PMO. Conversations with our inner voices will help us understand how best to resolve the pain and move forward.
There is a baseline level of discipline we have to maintain on this journey. Taking care of ourselves in a positive way - ways of relieving stress, connecting to loved ones, looking after our health, working towards meaningful goals and so on. We don’t need to be on fire 16 hours every day, but we need to be doing something to move forward and feel good about ourselves.
Without it, we will become unhappy and lose the energy and will to be free and clean. Stress and anxiety will overwhelm us and depression will emerge in all its ugliness.
Most of all, we will be bombarded with urges and our brains will constantly tell us that PMO is the solution to our problems. It will attempt to convince us that we made the wrong decision when we decided to quit. It will tell is that we will only ever be miserable without PMO, maybe we can reduce our usage, perhaps we can look at less extreme material, but we can’t leave it behind. It will ask why we decided to quit in the first place.
There is a person within us who is lost, confused and ashamed. He is suffering from years of pain and devastation. And whenever we are in emotional distress, he grabs hold of the wheel and drives us straight back to PMO. He isn’t our enemy though; he genuinely believes he’s helping us. He’s certain that it will end the pain. It’s arousing, right? So many different categories, shapes and sizes, fantasies; an endless sea of adult entertainment. If anything would make the pain go away, this would be it, right? What could be more important?
But this guy is very wrong. And since he’s a part of us, we have to love and understand him. We need to know where he came from and what he needs. Sometimes what he really needs is basic necessities like eating a healthy meal, drinking more water or a good night’s rest. Other times he needs a positive way to relieve the stress and frustration of modern life. He may need reassurance and connection with loved ones. Times still he’ll want more complex needs like a fulfilling career or working towards meaningful goals.
But the one thing neither of you need is PMO. Discipline and structure help you both move forward and truly solve the pain.
Check the fundamental pillars of your life like health,wealth, love and happiness. How would you rate them from 1 - Depressed to 4 - My life is awesome! If you’re on 1s and 2s, the person inside is dying for change. He doesn’t need you to become an Olympic athlete, a multi-millionaire or get married tomorrow to the spouse of your dreams, but he does need to see that things are moving forward in a positive way. Otherwise, he will be in a state of constant fear and keep redirecting your attention to PMO.
The best way to break a habit is to make a new one. Make a habit of listening to your inner self and working together to improve your life every day. You’ll gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for who you are, and you’ll find that it becomes easier to stop relapsing and live a free and clean life.
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Check-in, Sunday
Day 1 
Exactly! 
It’s always the tough times that show us the meaning of life. We learn to be grateful for what we have. That’s how we stay happy.
Year by year, we are getting into more & more convenient & comfortable lifestyles.
The same comfort that is making us cozy is also leavinf us unprepared for pain.
Naturally, as humans, we are supposed to deal with stress by Relaxation & Rest, to recover.
But today, we aren’t doing that. We are dealing with pain via Stimulation.
We aren’t acknowledging & appreciating reality, & it’s beauty. We are just escaping from it. We are shutting our minds off.
Instant gratification is like a dark amusement park. You get on these ‘thrilling & exciting’ rides but you don’t really enjoy them. You are filled with guilt, frustration & shame. All you’re doing is trying to forget the pain. You’re numbing yourself, without realising that the park isn’t going to stay open forever. You become vulnerable & sensitive to more pain when you face reality.
Life is full of ups & downs when lived naturally.
With stimulations like PMO, it’s nothing. It’s just flat. Years of nothingness. Loneliness. Just flat. No ups. No downs. No movement at all.
You stay where you are. Until you stop doing it.
Had a very bad relapse yesterday. It’s become like an ‘okay’ thing for my mind. I don’t even feel guilty sometimes.
I had some goals for the day. I couldn’t achieve them. Couldn’t wake up early. Couldn’t stay productive.
Then came an air of disappointment. I felt weak.
I decide to work on being productive again the next day onwards.
The addict in me says, “anyhow when I’m starting to work on being better from tomorrow, then why not go all the way into stimulation today? Let’s just have a zero day! Then start afresh”
PMO’ing doesn’t take you to zero. It takes you beneath that. To hell.
My Grandpa passed away yesterday.
I was shocked when I got the news, though it actually wasn’t a surprise.
He was very ill. He was suffering so bad that he lost his will to live.
I feel like I haven’t spent enough quality time with him the last time we met.
You never really know when is actually the last time you meet someone.
It hurts more when you haven’t said goodbye properly.
In this lockdown, I can’t even go there, can’t meet grandma… can’t give her a shoulder.
With all this pain all day, I relapse at night. Then realise how much of a jerk I’m. I made the day worse. The pain grew stronger. I didn’t know what to do.
I PMO’d over my loved one’s death.
This is the worst thing I’ve ever done.
I couldn’t even mourn with respect.
The worst part is, I didn’t feel the guilt. PMO became like a normal ‘solution’ to all problems. Like a personal tool or something.
I have to set free of this addiction. I’m so sick of this.
This streak is the one. I’m going to make it all the way this time.
“There is no ‘Right time’. All there is is ‘Right Now’.”
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Saturday/Sunday
I’m definitely lacking spiritual routine, reflection - acknowledgment
But I am all good, Thanks be to God
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Week 3 - Sun, April 5, 2020 - Streak: 2 days
@Forerunner Beautifully said brother 
I needed that today
@MindfullyFree Been there brother, when my grandmother died, I relapsed and felt terrible. Pointlessness, I felt like I disrespected her death, and I felt shameful for doing that during such an occasion when I should be rightfully mourning. Remember though, that this is our brain thinking it is helping us, as Forerunner said. We can’t be angry or ashamed of ourselves or anything else. It will only weigh us down. We have to move forward with confidence and self-awareness.
I can’t remember who said it, but someone said feeling nothing isn’t actually feeling nothing, it’s just that we feel so many things that our brain stops trying to decipher it, it’s too much. And I think this is what is really happening for us when we get to that low point in relapsing. I think the key here is slowly opening back up to those emotions and dealing with them one by one with care and mindfulness, that we will truly make it far in this journey.
As a side note, you reminded me that I need to spend more time with my grandpa, or at least reach out to him more. Today was his birthday, and I told my dad I would call grandpa awhile ago, but it totally blanked on me. I called him today though and wished him a happy birthday, but I felt bad, felt like he wanted to talk more but I didn’t really give him the chance. I need to be there more for my family.
It’s currently 2:32 am for me. Not good, but I’m still waking up at 9:30 am, as I did this morning. Discipline equals freedom. If I settle for less than my standards here, if I allow myself to not take responsibility for my actions, then I will surely make bigger mistakes in the future (aka relapsing). I have to draw the line where it matters. And where it matters is where it begins. The start of my day.
I think the real problem with getting to bed late, is not turning off the computer after im done playing with my cousins online. I was thinking that maybe it is just that I need to not play online anymore for awhile, but I don’t think that’s the case, as I’ve been pretty good about getting off on time lately. The problem is I discipline myself in that regard, so then let watching YouTube until 12:30 slip. That can’t happen anymore. I’m going to set an alarm to remind myself of this tomorrow night.
Alright guys, I better get to bed. Goodnight, stay strong Always be mindful 
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I had a clean day yesterday as well and I want to make it two as well! Let’s go!
Day One
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Check-in.
Tuesday. Day 2
This is exactly how I felt!
Yes, I understand brother. Thanks, really! Needed to know that I’m not ‘inhuman’ at this point.
This addiction is like that. It creeps in during your hardest times. And when we’re mourning, we prefer staying lonely, & the addiction makes the best use of the situation.
We have to move forward with Self-awareness. You’re so right!
Makes sense. Our Brain just gets so overwhelmed with stimulation that it just stops giving attention to everything else. Yes, mindfulness is all we need. The more we write the better we learn to deal with emotions. I should’ve journaled about Grandpa yesterday. That would’ve given me better relief.
I insist you do give him more time.
You never know man, you never know what happens next. Give him some good time & make sure not to feel like you’re doing him a favour by doing that. It’s human tendency, we all take people for granted.
Just start with simple conversations, if grandpa is ready to talk too. Actions matter more than intentions, & they define us who we are more strongly than thoughts do. Do it bro, lockdown period is really a good opportunity to spend time with family.
Spot on! 
Even the definition of Discipline says “Going by your thoughts, not your feelings. Living a line by design, not by default.”
You can do it bro! Just don’t give up! Once you’re determined, get obsessed with wanting to succeed. Eventually you will!
I say, that you don’t really have to worry about at what time you sleep.
But wake up at the Same time every morning. The time you want. Sleep Deprivation is necessary, & inevitable.
Just don’t sleep during the day at all… That’s going to make it harder for you to adjust your sleep cycle.
Compensate sleep deprivation by sleeping early the next night. When you’re really sleepy, you don’t have to convince yourself stop watching youtube. You’ll learn to appreciate the value of sleep, & dive in that bed! It’ll be one of the most pleasureable moments of your day.
One thing about adjusting sleep pattern is that you won’t see your results in one day. The only thing you’ll see is sleep deprivation, & a huge urge to sleep in the afternoon, not sleep at night, to start off a vicious cycle again.
All you need is a disciplined sleep schedule, patience & consistency! With time, you’ll adjust & it’ll become a automatic behaviour. You’ll do it easily, like a well oiled machine!
Productive morning today!
I woke up at 4AM. It’s 8AM right now.
I’ve exercised, been at the piano, walked a little. I feel good!
I feel energetic this morning. I’m definitely going to crush my to-do list today!
I’m thinking of studying Opthalmology for atleast 3 hours… I found this cool video about a cake recipe. Maybe I’ll try that out too!
No urges at all, everything’s good! It’s going to be a long day! 
I’m watching ‘Money Heist’ on Netflix since yesterday. It’s cool! Though it’s triggering sometimes, I’m not really much disturbed by it. I journal whenever I stumble upon triggers, nudity or something disturbing. Since I can avoid it totally, I’m practicing a way of dealing with it. Writing about it & letting it go, through meditation.
■■■■ is one unique media that you’ll never actually stumble upon. You may come across some romantic, softcore, seminude, nude, sex-related or even disturbing images or content in your daily life. But not exactly ■■■■. These kind of images & contents do not lead to a relapse. They might be disturbing, or they may lead to ■■■■, but they in themselves don’t do harm. If handled peacefully through regular journaling & mindfulness, they aren’t much of a problem. It soon becomes easier to deal with such images with time.
You’ll never even accidentally stumble upon ■■■■. You’ll see it only when you search for it.
Even if you do end up stumbling (Super rare), you need to act within 5 seconds or you’ll fall pray. Journaling & meditation help alot.
“You are just one decision away from getting a better life”
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Week 4 - Mon, April 6, 2020 - Streak: 3 days
@MindfullyFree Getting late, I was writing you on your other post and didn’t realize the time, I’ll get back to you tomorrow man👍
Been stressing about this big decision again, if it comes up at all. I may not have to make it if it falls through, but I have a feeling it won’t. I’ve been going back and forth stressing about this. In the day I feel fine, but at night all my worries come back to me. Maybe I just care too much about what other people think.
Anyway, another clean day. Getting to bed a lot earlier than last night. Got stuck on YouTube a little, but a lot less than yesterday, felt a sudden urge, but brushed it off and got off the computer. So much better today, but I probably shouldn’t have taken a shower, that slowed things down.
Tomorrow, no games with my cousins online. Just get to bed and get on the forum early.
Goodnight guys
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Monday / Tuesday
@Special_Bird @MindfullyFree
TLDR… Sorry 
@Forodwaith @Gk-00
I’m all good, Thanks be to God
Early night tonight, Check-in, reflect
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