"Check-in" Daily - diary challenge

Thursday, march 26

@Aoshigreen @Forodwaith

All good. Days seem all the same since this quarantine began.

I dedicate some time to prayer, reciting the Rosary every day, I think that staying close to God is very important to keep myself together in this period, to bring positivity into my family, be a help and not a burden to my parents and my siblings in this period of forced living together 24h a day.

Other than that, I’m fine. Faced some small urges but no acting so far. I want to keep going, also because I really feel the need to detoxify my mind from doing PMO almost every day since the beginning of the year, I got a lot of ground to recover.

2 Likes

Week 2 - Thurs, March 26, 2020 - Streak: 0 days

@Karan050 Thank you brother :relieved:, you are right. I have to shake this off, see it as a lesson and truly learn from it. I need to follow my own saying, and make this my streak for real :point_left:


Homework productivity has been better. Got a lot done today and I’ve realized that some days are better than others for working. If I have the time, then focus on what I can get done and let other things be until tomorrow.

As for urges, relapsed again today. Didn’t put up a fight, urges came and I said sure. Stupid. No pleasure. What is there for me? Nothing. It’s foolishness. Lack of commitment. I need to spend more time here and remember why I fight for this. It has to go beyond an emotional argument. Because emotional arguments don’t hold up. I need solid reasons, first step.

Life is such a drag with this. I could have so much more energy, feel so much more alive. I want to be much more than this. For myself and for my family. What is the point of this life if we don’t pursue the utmost character.

This song has been in my head. While all my old friends waste their lives away, while all those who say life is merely for pleasure, I must remember that it is all meaningless. It goes on and on until we die, until we realize that we pursued nothing worthwhile in our existence, that we sought everything but the Truth. We looked everywhere but looked nowhere. We broke bread, but made no connection.

I do not want to live like that.

What’s the point in journaling here if I’m not going to put my all into it?

2 Likes

Hi blessed people good morning
Glory to.Jesus Honour to Mary

Today is my day 12 success

Checked in here today Friday

4 Likes

Well this enforced Quarantine could be really bad for us or could be an opportunity it’s up to us to decide. We always have a choice forget so called modern science which has decided we dont have free will we just think we do. No we actually do have free will not unlimited free will but the ability to choose. You have the fcking choice tonight to watch porn or not. I fcked up again last night thats another fcking story. You have a Fucking choice!
I’m desperately trying to get acc2you reinstalled on my pc as Windows has gone haywire and proverbially fucked me now it won’t reinstall and its wide open a fucking open gate saying come the fuck in and feast Fucking feast on this escapist fucking bullshit.
Fucking pissed off about it but it’s my fault I take responsibility for the problem and its solution God help me
So do we fuck ourselves over while Quarantined or change our lives up to you

2 Likes

Friday, March 27

@Aoshigreen @Forodwaith

I failed. Don’t know what to say, I fell for the same old tricks. PMOed again. This week was positive overall compared to the last few, but I can certainly do better.

I don’t want to fail again and go back into binging.
Pray for me brothers.

3 Likes

Day 32. Check in.

3 Likes

Friday, March 27, 2020.

At times like the present, solidarity and community are essential. My heart goes out to all of you, dear brothers.

We aren’t broken like vases but torn like ligaments. We WILL come out stronger after this.

Thank GOD for the journey!

4 Likes

Week 2 - Fri, March 27, 2020 - Streak: 1 day

It’s been 1 day clean, but I’m savoring it. I’ve forgotten the blessing that it is to have 1 day clean.

I just watched the movie Warrior (2011). I feel like it really spoke to me to be honest. There’s this scene where the father who is an ex-alcoholic breaks down after his estranged son screams at him about his worthlessness to their family, how no one needs him nor wants him. The son finds him the next morning relapsed and drinking into a delerious state. The father had made it to 1000 days clean, and hoped that he would be able to make a connection with his two sons, but to no avail.

I’m not really sure exactly what it is that speaks to me about it. Seeing the father break down and fall into such a state made me almost come to tears. I just think of my mother, how I held such resentment for her when she first came back from her addiction. But I can’t imagine if I had held that resentment. If I had brought her to a point in which she relapsed again because her children didn’t love her anymore.

I don’t think I would be able to handle that. Just thinking of that situation is too much for me.

I’m not really sure how that’s relevant to my recovery, but it made me feel so much more determined to be clean from this. I don’t want this anger, resentment, shame, or pain in my heart anymore over this. How can I live and not be grateful for what I have? How can I spend time wasting it for myself and my own pleasure?

I’ve been thinking lately, that I must value what I have and not waste it for one more second. I love my family so much, I just want the best for them. And I want to do my best for them. And part of that for me, is getting clean. Because that’s what my mother would want, and that’s what my grandparents would want. And I want them to be happy.

It’s all foolishness, this PMO. The pursuit of sexual pleasure. It means nothing to me at this point. I want to find peace, not pleasure. And beyond that, I think I get caught up in seeing how every guy tries to find beautiful women, it’s all about getting girls and getting status. And honestly, I couldn’t care less. What’s the point? It just goes on and on and on. But what do we reach in the end? Nothing, no love, no peace, leaving only those we stepped on to get where we wanted to be.

Thinking back to the addiction, I really think I have to look at this rationally. Beyond my feelings, I have to look in my concious. The whole essence of mindfulness.

Anyway, I better get to bed. Goodnight guys :zzz:

Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown.

  • Narcotics Anonymous Book, page 33
2 Likes

Saturday, march 28

I’ve had a couple other moments of looking, yesterday night and today, but did not O.

I am struggling to restart cleanly, I want to keep going but I’m not sure about what will happen in the following days, I’m afraid of falling again.

We’ll see how it goes.

3 Likes

Day 33. Check in.

3 Likes

Thurs, Fri, Sat - Check-in

@Gk-00 there’s nothing to fear - ever - The Lord is at your side :pray: @Forodwaith

I changed rooms around today, as we won’t have any guests/clients I switched rooms.
A much needed change :candle:
It’s a little smaller, but brighter and a lot less cluttered as I brought things gradually leaving some as remainder.

What works, I’ll keep doing,
And what doesn’t, I’ll do my best to change.

I recently wrote a confrontational, but honest reply to a wishful-letter of apology but also justification to their conduct -to which they feel entitled- and have always acted so, because they once were part of the business for a few years and in a relationship with my older business partner - though not the elder one who started and made a success of the whole thing.

My problem is he grievances and conduct towards the elder (my friend) and his attitude towards the two of us.
I’m not stooping down to hatred or games.
But I have to get used to unsettled feelings when they come - and not sway.
I’m an emotional and empathetic guy, I always want there to be good feelings - but isn’t that selfish of me?
I know it’s good because it feels good

I allow people to take advantage of me through my weaknesses - And maybe, even Satan himself?

Trying - trying to be productive, struggling, and then being productive in other areas.
There’s been a lot of slouching around, and my mate too _“agh, mate, I just can’t get motivated…”
…“lets do it tomorrow”

It didn’t come to mind, but something similar to; “to practice piano, you sit at the piano” did.
And that’s when I became productive. A simple ‘Yes’

When your friend calls,… Or family,… Or the dog keeps barking for attention,… It may be God himself, reaching out.
… Michael,… Like St.Michael.
We’ve all got our flaws, but there’s definitely some Sainthood in him.

A lot has happened internally the past few days, and I feel well for it… I think I feel it subconsciously - whether we construct it or it’s beyond us, I don’t know, but want to keep note.
‘hotness’ ain’t hot - I knew this already, but I felt it this time. It’s all make-up and clothes.

Power of perspective - we can look at things in a positive light, but it’s something we have to practice and maintain for it to take hold - the next day we WON’T always feel the same, and our thinking may faulted - Hold onto what is Good/what works.
I need to keep reminding myself why, not to hold onto someone’s bad doings, but to address mine.

All good, Thanks be to God.

3 Likes

Starting my journey again from today in the name of God
Check in - day 0 - Sunday
All good…Glory to God

5 Likes

Check in- my day 14 success today 29th march 2020

Good morning blessed people
Glory to God, today is my day 14 success!!!
Am so happy…

More push and encouragement and motivation needed pls…cos d devil is waiting patiently for me to relapse…sometimes after success of a day…2 days…7 days…1 week…4 weeks…3 months…1 year or even 2 years…but I believe dis tine around I overcome in Jesus name amen!

glory to God
today is my day 14 success

also today is day 11 of our global campaign against porn videos and all things secular
please help repost the hashtag below on all your social media threads

#100%ReplaceSecularWithGospel!

Day 11 global campaign

#100%ReplaceSecularWithGospel!

Day 11 global campaign

#100%ReplaceSecularWithGospel!

Day 11 global campaign

#100%ReplaceSecularWithGospel!

Day 11 global campaign

#100%ReplaceSecularWithGospel!

Day 11 global campaign

2 Likes

Week 2 - Sat, March 28, 2020 - Streak: 2 days

Another clean day, feeling very grateful.

Didn’t get to bed on time again, however my cousins were over until very late, as usual, so it was difficult to get to bed. However I should have not opted to watch part of a movie before bed. That’s been the killer these past few days. I set an alarm for tomorrow night to keep me on track.

I want to push through it and just wake up early but I fear that I won’t be able to think through my computer science project clearly as my brain only functions on lower level with little sleep. So I’ll just have to cut my day short tomorrow and get to bed early with some melatonin.

Really wanting to impress my friends out of the blue with this little project for a music gig we are starting. I don’t want this to flake off and I really want them to see I’m serious about it. Was hoping to get into it today, but tomorrow will have to do. I really want this so I have to make it happen.

Anyway, better get to bed. Goodnight guys :zzz:

2 Likes

Sunday, march 29

@Aoshigreen @Forodwaith

I relapsed a couple more times, between yesterday and today. I want to get back up, and try to have another cleaner week. I’m not giving up trying!

We are more than this addiction, we are not defined by our relapses, there’s so much more to explore and focus on in life other than just trying to not relapse. I want to use my time for good and meaningful things, keep in touch with my friends, praying, reading, studying.

3 Likes

Sunday Check-in :+1:

All good, thanks be to God :pray:
@Gk-00 @Forodwaith
Keeping it simple :pray:

Ideas can be as transient as we please.

~ Lord, help us to be grounded in you, forward seeking with/in you ~

2 Likes

Week 2 - Sun, Mar 29, 2020 - Streak: 3 days

Today was a good day. A few urges but being on the forum is helping to remind me why I’m doing this.

Getting to bed earlier tonight which is good, just going to slowly make that earlier.

Worked for 6 hours straight on making a binary search tree which turned out to be harder than I expected with the current tools we have. But I feel accomplished. Just a few more edits I need to do tomorrow morning, study for the exam, attend lecture and then maybe finally do some music.

I’m reminded again of how it feels with order in my life and feeling clean. I am happy when I am consistent with my beliefs and wants. When I relapse, I distort my understanding of love and relationships. It makes me feel disgusting and hopeless. However when I abstain, I feel wonderful and life’s hurdles become mere challenges, instead of life crises.

Let’s keep going strong boys, this is just the start.

This is my streak, I am going to make it.

3 Likes

I’m so aware that at this time we need to be more self disciplined than ever and fight for routine.
I think self discipline, work of any kind and routine will keep us all sane and aid us as we fight our shared addiction and the addictions we dont all share perhaps.
Exercise, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, getting outside but observing social distancing and if you feel tempted maybe dont even turn the tv/pc/tablet on. One trick I’ve started is turning the modem off before I go to bed and charging my phone away from the bed.

3 Likes

Day 34,35. Check in.

4 Likes

Monday, 30th March 2020.

Thank GOD for the journey!

2 Likes