Bashi's notes on recovery

Diary
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43

Day 26
Each person doing PMO moves in a cycle. You watch porn, feel shame for what you did, further isolate and once there’s again an emotional or physical trigger, you go back to porn. The cycle starts over and over and over… it seems endless.

You can effectively master recovery and break that cycle. Remove shame and isolation from the equation. Here’s why only that will work in the long term:

Porn will always be there. You can use blockers but most of them can be bypassed somehow. If it’s not porn, then perhaps you’ll move to arousing content on youtube or follow instagram models. The addicted part of you will try to get back to the arousing pixels somehow and, remaining in the cycle, that part of you will win every time.

Feeling shame is normal but that’s only half the truth. It’s normal because we live in a world where selfishness and hiding our true emotions is the norm, mainly because we are trained to consume porn, trash television and other crappy media. By accepting yourself, being honest, open and genuine with the people in your life, you will find the people you can connect with. Connect with others and shame will fade. It won’t further hold power over you. Having people in your life who understand what it means to be in recovery will weaken the feeling of shame and thus isolation will reduce too. You further commit to reducing isolation in your life by staying accountable. Let people know what you are doing, even if it’s stuff in your weakest moments - specially then.

The next time a trigger bothers you, you’ll be able to reach out and your methods in place will make you surpass that urge. The cycle won’t be there anymore, it’s in the past. The triggers will always be there though, because there’s always a stressfull moment at work/school, that girl wearing tight pants at the grocery store or the bikinis at the beach. With shame and isolation out of the equation though, your reaction will be different and that matters.

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Yes @anon13059885 you are right , it’s the cycle. Let’s break this cycle once and for all.

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Day 29
In a couple of hours I’m completing 30 days. I started this sprint on hardmode and moved again to classic mode at some point. Tomorrow I’m starting the sprint for October. I’m doing sprints over and over, getting great results if done right.

What’s a sprint?, you may ask yourself now. A sprint is a powerful tool that sums up everything you need in recovery: a goal, a reason, awareness, a consequence, a reward, active commitments and someone to share this path with. Let me split this in parts.

a goal
Basically you set the goal “I want to be free of PMO” for 30 days, so for an entire month. We all know that this fight is day by day struggle but it’s easy to forget that on this journey. Thinking in bigger time frames, for example 90 days, often seems really difficult to manage or too far away. What happens is: we either forget our reason around day 60 or one struggle in one day seems to much and we relapse. So the sprint splits this journey in manageable junks, you’ll see that this positively impacts your thinking.

a reason
this is your selfish reason to go P free. Ideally it’s that one sentence that reminds you of the importance of this journey. It’s a sentence you know by hard and it’s always part of your sprint. Mine for example is “I’m tired of hiding and acting against my values and I want more integrity.”. Note that my reason has one part of what I’m tired of and the second part is what I’d get out of being free of this addiction. I do have way more costs and benefits in mind too but the things mentioned in that sentence are the most important for me. I’d recommend you build a sentence like that for your journey too.

awareness
in this part of the sprint you write down threats, mistaken beliefs and weak links that you think might be the case in the upcoming 30 days. Examples can be “warm showers”, “ignoring healthy habits”, “boredom” or an “unsecured” device. With each sprint you’ll get better at identifying the root cause of your relapses and this list gets shorter and better in detail.

a consequence
this provides extra motivation. A good consequence is not just a torture, it’s a tool to make you reflect and connect with others. Good consequences can make more time for the important things or make you connect. Good examples are: “No gaming for 30 days”, “Calling my accountability partner every day for a whole week”, “inviting my family for dinner” or “doing the dishes for my family for 30 days”. If you relapse during these 30 days, you execute the consequence and do better next time. A good consequence will remind you of the relapse and also help you keep your word.

a reward
we must celebrate success to remind ourselves that being free is more than worth it. A reward can be something you’d like to treat yourself with or something that makes you connect with others. For example getting a new game in a limited edition or treating yourself with an extraordinary meal with your loved ones. This is like a “high five” to yourself: I’m doing well!.

active commitments
recovery is about actively committing to a better life, it’s not something that “just” happens. So in this part of the sprint plan you write down what you’ll actively be doing during the upcoming 30 days. Good examples are: F.A.S.T. check-ins on a weekly basis, keeping a morning routine, writing a dairy, scheduled workouts, a fix number of healthy habits per day, calling someone daily or using an accountability reporting software (e.g. Accountable2You or Covenant Eyes) on all your devices. Note how these are all active commitments. Instead of saying “I’m not doing this or not doing that” these commitments all phrase what you’ll be doing. Keep it simple and preferably controllable too, in a sense that you can count it in numbers or easily tell if you’ve been doing it or not.

someone to share this with
so you put all these parts mentioned above together, have that written in a document and share it with one person. That person is your accountability partner and you regularly check your progress during those 30 days. I’d recommend doing this on a weekly basis. If you do have F.A.S.T-check ins as one of your active commitments, then you’ll do the check there.

Haven’t tried doing a sprint yet? It’s about time!

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Brilliant post - tools like this are necessary on this journey!

Thanks for sharing!

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Day 32
In my current state, doing nofap just feels normal and I don’t feel like this is taking any extra effort at the moment. I’m not saying any of this easy though. What I’m saying is: investing your time and effort in sprint planning and all the parts of it, will make you put your energy in the right direction and thus nofap will be a side effect, just as it should be. Because “nofap” is about not doing something, everything else in life though is about doings something.

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Wow, @anon13059885! This is so awesome! I can see that you are truly committed to the process of becoming more and more free from PMO. At the same time, you are sharing your experience and are so thoughtful about it that what you share is really helping other people, like me. I appreciate you!

Peace,
MJ

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Thank you! Let’s be free of this together!

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Day 37
Back when I started, I would not look at porn for a couple of days but then at some point I would start making “searches”… maybe some keyword, a name or anything else that would replace porn to some degree. I was engaging in edging behavior and that was the start of my streak’s downfall.

Here’s what’s true: if you have enough accountability, this won’t happen. You won’t engage in edging behavior because you either can’t or your accountability partner will find out really soon. I thus highly recommend using Accountable2You or CovenantEyes. Alright, it costs a bit but hey, your recovery should be worth something!

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Day 40
You wouldn’t proudly tell your friends or family that you watch porn and masturbate, would you? That’s because on the outside you want to portray the strong minded man who has got his stuff together but on the inside you are addicted to porn.

Here’s what’s true: being the same on the outside and inside is a characteristic feature any person can achieve with accountability. Accountability in our terms means: your partner knows how you are feeling, what you do on your computer, smartphone, tablet, how you are building your healthy habits, if you do get close to any edging behavior or engage in any unsafe activity, if you are facing any threats in recovery.

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Day 43
Free at last, mark my words.

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Day 49
Steve Chandler says: “There are two kinds of people, owners and victims”.

A bunch of dudes doing nofap choose to be a victim of the situation:

  • They think that life is “unfair”
  • it’s a huge burden to deal with this addiction
  • things are always tough
  • they have a huge list of things they “should” do but don’t actually get done
  • “Why is this always happening to me?” is one of their catch phrases in their head
  • “I’m swamped by this nofap thing, boohhh huuuu, I relapsed again, I should do better next time though…!”

Here’s what’s true: if any of the above sounds like you, well then there are good news for you still. You can choose to stop being a victim of your very own actions and become an owner. You want to be someone who owns their spirit and takes ownership for their response to every situation.

“What does this mean?”, you ask? Well it’s not that fucking hard. Start getting things from life, not just expecting things to get thrown at you. Choose to do something with your life, you go at things with an intention. You make decisions to do better at nofap, it’s intentional. You build habits, you build connections intentionally and you are busy and it’s fun! You don’t need to be happy by relying on external things, you realize that happiness comes from the inside and only YOU are responsible for your very own happiness.

So take action, choose to be the best version of yourself and stop being a pussy because at the end of the day only your own actions can lift yourself out of this shitty addiction.

I recommend listening to this free 30 minute podcast: http://www.stevechandler.musicbizwebsitepro.com/f/The_Owner_Victim_Choice1.mp3

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Expecting something to be happened to you or take action and make it happen. There is always a choice that makes us the victim or victorious :+1::+1:

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Day 56
Looking at the numbers, this streak is nothing extraordinary, I’ve been past 90 days a couple of times. But in none of those streaks did I have this amount of accountability, this kind of effort put into good habits, this feeling of motivation and connection, these tools in place or this kind of clean streak. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I’m doing this right for once.

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Day 60
In a couple seconds finishing 60 days.

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Day 63
Winners anticipate, losers react.

What does a winner do? In times of sobriety, that’s when a winner sees what’s coming ahead of him. That’s when he anticipates threats. That’s when he thinks about the things he will do and have in place to keep his sobriety tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, he executes his plan and puts it into action. The threats that come during the day, are not really a surprise, because the winner anticipated this. The winner knows what to do, takes action and makes it another great day to add to his list. Then he thinks about tomorrow, adapts his plan. Tomorrow comes and he’s ready. Day by day.

What does a loser do? A loser relapses, thinks of all the “great” things he will do and how this is “truly” the last time he relapses. He doesn’t change anything though. He doesn’t make a plan. He doesn’t anticipate anything. He has little or no accountability. When he walks into the next day, just like any other day, he doesn’t execute any plan. A loser is then confronted with a threat that somehow wasn’t “predictable” for him, although he has just faced the same threat not so long ago, and then he “reacts”. The urge is stronger of course, so he makes crappy decisions. He relapses again. Then again. And again. But that’s life right? He promises to do better tomorrow… does he change anything? Of course not.

So, are you a loser or a winner? It’s your choice every day.

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Day 71
I want to make it the last time I’ve passed 70 days.

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Day 74
Every streak I’ve made beyond 30 days and every time I was able to get back up and make progress wasn’t only based on willpower. In fact, I try to avoid putting my willpower to the test as much as possible and instead try to take action prior to the urges making their appearance.

I’m thankful for others opening up sharing their experience in recovery, specially Matt from the recoveredman podcast. The tools and experience he shared helped me break that 30 days barrier and really step up my recovery.

If you are struggling to get past 3, 7, 21 or 30 days then I highly recommend you checkout Matt’s podcast. I know the episodes might seem long at first but do you want to do whatever it takes to succeed or do you plan going on with your relapses? It’s time to take action.

These are the episodes I recommend for starters:

To make it to 7 days and more…

The first 30 days…

Creating a plan…

Don’t let this addiction rule your life. As Matt would say:

“Take hope and take action, be good”.

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This advice will benefit many people here on the forum! Thank you for sharing brother

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Precious help! Thank you very much!

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Day 77
Today I will make both my streaks in this app increase at the same time. My best streak in all this time I’ve been in recovery. Wouldn’t have been possible with the right accountability and tools.
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