Aoshigreen's Diary [39M]

Journal
1

9 days clean -
Gained some insights;
Reflecting on other bad habits ie; Weed.
Journey with companions.
Reading, writing, productive and being available in all moments, and the moments where my body, mind called for rest.

Fell on day 10 -
Previously felt I ranted too much;
Doubts, worries that I was being too much.
Fell for edging, and subsequently used self shaming words as atonement.
Later I caved-in and fell.

Day 0 -
I don’t feel shame as new things have been learnt, and optimistism prevails.

Day 0 -
The empty feeling - a dopamine hole.

I had stayed up late chatting with my dearest, reading and reflecting on scripture.

Woke up feeling tired and decided not to attend morning Mass.
Feeling empty, I turned back to pmo boost.

Conclusion -
These past days clean there was no emptiness.
I’d been productive, assertive and mindful, in work and in relationships.

Morning Mass is a beautiful and good thing.
Even if I’m a little tired or lacking sleep,
May I always rise early no matter what the circumstances.

May I be like that nobleman who travelled a day’s journey from Capernaum to Cana just to ask Jesus to heal his dying son.
Like the lady who wished “If I can just touch the hem of His robe, I will be healed.”

Time spent with my dearest, to chat, read and reflect is a treasure.

I’m tagging you guys
@anon9498230 @slave_of_allah @SirTryHard
and also @Omen99 to wish you encouragement, Peace & Support.

May we get to that place where we
know & trust pmo is not worth our time or energy

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I borrowed a book from a friend;
“Living, Loving & Learning” by Leo Buscaglia

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sorry to hear you relapsed and had a couple fo bad days mate-.-^
however soudn like you are affiremd and thourghlyx fed up with PMO now :wink: hope you will get a good streak going!

also have you reread the easy poeasy way?

ay i ask what you meant by to much??

did you do that on purpose?
or did you do it since you are used to that by now?

do you feel like sharing what you have learnt?

bests

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Thanks for your comment and asking.

“Doubts/worries about being too much” ~
I mean getting carried away with my own thoughts.

  • Doubting and worrying I’m not meeting people where they are.
  • Nor understanding and being truly empathetic.

I was being selfish and self absorbed in my own ideas. Even if they were wholesome or not, I still lacked understanding.
We can’t always be there for others, and especially not when we aren’t hearing them or too caught up in trying to do what “I” think is right.

Sometimes just giving loving presence and space for people to open up is enough.
But also, to inquire is genuine interest in another person.

To answer “self shaming words” leads on from that “doubting”.

I didn’t deal with it very well, and it led me to use self harming words against myself like ‘pious idiot’ to be funny and humbling.

It’s good to laugh at ourselves and not be too serious. But now looking back, it wasn’t helpful at the time and dragged me down somewhat, and only a self indulgent way of saying “I’m unsure”.

The things I learnt were some of the above and things related to weed, like;
Sitting in my friends car, being offered and saying “nah, I’m okay” and “go ahead & smoke, it’s fine, it doesn’t bother me” were very beneficial to me.
And with that, I also noticed positive change in the people around me. Suddenly there were other more important things other than weed that people wanted to relate with me over.

I have read a large part of easypeasymethod, and listened on YouTube.
I also use EasyWay by Allen Carr.

I think it’s a wonderful approach to addiction, and probably the only approach worth taking seriously.
What we don’t see, or at least I haven’t seen in easypeasymethod (or at least didn’t seem obvious to me) but read in EasyWay is; being instructed to not refrain from smoking until finishing the book (unless you’re already a non-smoker)

I like this approach, - though nofap would naturally object “don’t fap, don’t give in” - because, like with stopping weed, it became a purely reasonable and conscious choice rather than a battle or ideal, based on the fact I could see clearly; I’m much better off without it.

If I’m always fighting to stop, I’m not seeing it for what it actually is, or really desiring to stop, but denying myself something I clearly want to be doing, and turning Nofap into an ideal.

I don’t like weed because it makes me;
paranoid, scattered, And unable to communicate, understand, empathise, or be clear.
It’s so much better to be far from those traits.

Knowing all this is teaching me how to begin to approach leaving pmo for good, ie; being able to see clearly and reasonably, the benefits drastically outweigh the disadvantages of pmo.

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Patience - Calm - no rush -
Lord soothe our souls of our firey desires

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People are influencial whether good or bad.

As an adult male, seeing the news, the rise in; the empowerment of women, self-culture, and the trans movement, And in the shaming of masculinity, I don’t see many role models, (though at least we do get some few like Marcus Rashford, as did Amir Khan, reach out to youth and the poor)
I’m sharing Leo Buscaglia again in the hope he might brighten your day, your journey and your life, and bring you a positive outlook and something to reach for.
He’s hilarious, loving and wise.

I’m sure there are some more Jesus’ out there today.

In the news, in male culture in my immediate life, I’m lacking to see positive culture, but knife crime amongst youths, drug fuelled and sexual deviant outbursts, and radical ideas fuelled by emotions and skeptical rage.
Dissatisfied, unheard, misunderstood and defensive.
:man_facepalming::pray: Lord help us, Lord help me :pray:

What do I know?
What good do I do?
How am I helping?
Am I just as divisive?
Polarised; unable to meet others and hear them?
Putting myself above others?
Claiming to Love, but not making the effort?

I had a dream last night, as I do most nights,
(Not smoking weed has been a blessing)
A dead friend appeared - a msg from beyond the grave.

I was going to a gathering for a beer, and saw a pub regular.
Saying “hi” to him with the question.
I noticed how well and sharp he looked.
He’d stopped drinking, and was in recovery.
I fell down to my knees, praying with remorse after he’d made his point, the battle to refrain, and my companion waiting for me with dismay, “what’s wrong?”

I’m definitely better off without weed, no doubt about that.
But PMO?

Later in the dream, I saw a girl from school.
She was a bit weird back then, bullied and very insular. But now… She was a vocalist with a famous band, doing extremely well, still youthful and as beautiful as she actually always had been.

After my gig last night, and the past few days, I’ve softened my Nopmo journey.
MO? So what? Why be so extreme?
YouTube arousal. So what? Chicks are hot.
And at least it’s not ■■■■.
I had eventually gone to a camsite, and decided against it, eventually going to sleep after a long day - though this morning that influence still lead me back to pmo.

I feel like my dream of seeing the recovering alcoholic and school friend were about change, rebirth, and deliverance into something better.

Influences are all around.
Weed is, but it doesn’t bother me in the slightest,
But PMO?
It’s somewhat of a battle to make that choice, though it was still very much of a choice for the recovering alcoholic to not enter the pub, and I was his reminder “are you going in?”
Drink may not be a problem for me, but he was sharper, well-dressed and purer without it. Very dapper and awesome indeed.

What about myself and pmo, against the things that make me sparkle?
Is PMO not my bottle of whisky that makes me clown around?

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@Rebooter81
Hey bro, I’m happy to be accountable in whatever ever way possible. What do you look for? And how can I help?

Last night, this morning and today, despite a vivid dream (Thanks be to God)
Temptation, Chaser affect, the desire for dopamine in pmo has overcome any motivation, good choices, goodness or peace in me.
I’m finding peace in this moment of being honest, at God’s mercy where is always best :pray:

I want to personally steer clear of using language like “I relapsed again, twice, thrice” and “I must”
As emotional language and thoughts we use can often pull us down, so I’m proposing them as ways of moving forward.

Where am I at the moment?
Well… My client’s car got smashed, making it difficult for him to get here, So no work for tonight, but for myself I’m glad because I’m too tired to work and need to stop, and give up tense feelings.
How about you?
Is there any tension you could give up right now?

“no pain, no gain” can be a helpful reminder to stand stronger when things get strong.
But what about when we spend too much time trying to be firm but snap?

Pmo has overcome me and won a few times today, and recently after spending time in the app refreshing my recent thoughts with the sub-knowledge “I’ve got to work this evening.”
Images resurfaced as comfort escapes, but leading me back down the ladder.
A reoccurring theme ~

“Write thoughts, re-read/edit, sub-thoughts of daily things yet to be done, and then images resurfacing - and subsequently falling back to square one”

Maybe my client’s car getting smashed was God’s way of saying “No, I want you to stop.”

Maybe being unemployed for a time is God’s way of saying something to you personally too.

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Don’t think whether or not to pmo, but get on with your life. If there are problems stop complaining and start fixing.

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I was going down today.
Getting intoxicated, I made the choice to say “no thanks”… “nofap forever” - naive words, but it is better to choose “Yes” to the good things.

Patience, Love, Hope, Trust, Willingness, Cooperation with God
And aspire to; Diligence
(the enjoyment in persevering)

I wouldn’t say I feel proud, due to having allowed myself to fall drunk on fantasy, but relieved to have been able to remake my choices, account for it and go to bed.

Get on with your life, stop complaining and start fixing.

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Chaser effect/Flashbacks: of course
do I have a choice?: yes, always
how do I choose?: think again
can I be clean today?: yes, of course
will I be clean today?: yes, if I choose
how do I choose?: don’t touch it
how else?: think

Don’t overthink.
Don’t let the brain over-compensate.

Think rationally, keeping attentive to the external things of the day, not creating problems that don’t exist. Making good choices are easier when dealing with the external reality but not the internal, self made things of the mind.

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@SirTryHard hey bro, just wanted to tag you to read my past couple of days :hugs: and also @Omen99 though we haven’t communicated.

So, today… This morning’s thoughts (the post above) helped me to get on with my day. No Chaser, but I now notice my annoyance in work place - my elderly friend’s body-odour :face_vomiting::rofl: and my impatience when I work.

Things I’ve got to do, clients waiting on me and other people’s impatience.

People aren’t perfect and have their own shit going on - they don’t have to be the deciding factor of my life, but my choices and how I deal with them can be :+1::innocent:

Always, think again, and make your choice.

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ty for the tag i apreciate it

reading aout your thoughts birtightened my evening…

i am not really creative right now and very exhausted.

i wish you the best with your work and with beeing a nonPMOer for life.
wish keep on enjoying this path

bests

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Thanks @anon67854825 when I’m struggling I need to be able to msg someone like yourself makes a huge bloody difference but its still my own personal bloody battle and noone can fight it for me.
Bloody being the operative word because getting through this feels like being bloodied and beaten to shit in the ring.
Half the time we don’t even want to beat this addiction and when we try we’re surprised how bloody hard it can be but I don’t want to make this unnecessarily hard either.
I feel so much better on a streak of abstinence and that’s worth fighting for. As @Forerunner said our lives and freedom lie on the other side of this addiction surely that is Worth fighting for.
Rbtr81

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Of course, broski :innocent: never feel hesitant. It’s never a problem. You’ve got my number, so feel free to WhatsApp me anytime

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@SirTryHard @Omen99 Just wanted to tag you both - I don’t know if what I say is always coherent, but hope to help ignite some sparks to get your motors going :raised_hands:

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My motor needs a lubrication bro

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@Omen99

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From @mahmudulhasan

You try to stop over and over, but porn is always lurking a few taps away, just waiting for you to have a weak moment. And weak moments always come eventually.

Are you angry at the porn industry for putting this problem under your nose?! You should be!

They want you to be hooked on porn

because it makes them money.

That’s right, they get paid when you click and watch. But who suffers???

YOU SUFFER! Their money comes at the expense of everything most dear to you. Your friendships. Your future. Your career. And maybe most tragically, your intimate, tender, romantic relationship with the personYou try to stop over and over, but porn is always lurking a few taps away, just waiting for you to have a weak moment. And weak moments always come eventually.

Are you angry at the porn industry for putting this problem under your nose?! You should be!

They want you to be hooked on porn

because it makes them money.

That’s right, they get paid when you click and watch. But who suffers???

YOU SUFFER! Their money comes at the expense of everything most dear to you. Your friendships. Your future. Your career. And maybe most tragically, your intimate, tender, romantic relationship with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The porn industry will throw away all you hold dear for a few extra bucks. Does that make you angry? It should!

But it gets worse…

Porn is hurting a whole lot ofinnocent people.

Especially women and girls who get kidnapped or pressured into prostitution and creating porn. So many of them don’t want to be there. When you watch porn, the person in the video is often only pretending to like it. Deep down so many of those models are aching, wishing they could get out, and crying themselves to sleep. Even praying for vengeance on those who put them into that life.prostitution and creating porn. So many of them don’t want to be there. When you watch porn, the person in the video is often only pretending to like it. Deep down so many of those models are aching, wishing they could get out, and crying themselves to sleep. Even praying for vengeance on those who put them into that life.

And it keeps getting worse. The porn industry is growing. Porn is getting pushed harder and harder on us. What in years past was considered porn is now paraded as normal in advertisements and movies and social media.

And still it gets worse…

Because deep down, you know that you’re the one that is tapping to watch more. Yes porn weakens your willpower to resist. Yes it gets harder to stop every time you succumb. But you still have a choice. You can say no, and the more you resist the easier it gets to say no. This is your choice and you can change.

(Collected from “Bulldog Blocker” a porn blocking app)

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From @mahmudulhasan

Lie #1: I’ll quit porn when I’m married -
THIS IS A LIE!

When you get married you’ll be having sex for real, with a real person - your spouse. So it seems like you wouldn’t crave porn anymore.

Real sex can be wonderful and deeply gratifying. It bonds two people in a way that nothing else can.

But the lie is that real sex will somehow remove your desire to look at porn. That is false. Completely false! FALSE EVERY SINGLE TIME!

That is because at its core, real sex is nothing like porn.

Real sex is a together experience - just you and your spouse and nobody else. Porn is a screenful of novelty, one different person after another.
Real sex is about seeking your partner’s gratification before your own. But porn is all about gratifying yourself.

Real sex is about opening up yourself, heart, body, and soul to another person and cherishing the openness that she gives to you. But porn is about escaping and avoiding being open. Why else do people look at it in secret?!

Lie #2: Porn makes you better in bed -
THIS IS A LIE!!!

The truth is that porn destroys your ability to enjoy sex with a real person.

Porn decreases your ability to be aroused by your partner - because you’ve trained yourself to be turned on by fantasy things. A growing number of young men can’t even get hard when they try to have sex with a real person. Imagine how you’d feel trying to explain that to the girl of your dreams!

Masturbation makes you less sensitive to sexual stimulation

Porn can make you think that she likes things that she actually feels are degrading or hurtful

Porn makes you crave unrealistic or even dangerous types of sex.

The GOOD news is that you can recover from these things, but you have to quit the porn. After a few weeks of zero porn and masturbation you can begin to recondition yourself.

(Collected from “BULLDOG BLOCKER”. An app of blocking porn effectively)

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Thurs 17th March - Saint Paddy’s Day :shamrock:

I haven’t been on this app/forum for a long time.

I’ve been wasting away time on my phone, I may as well, in the least waste it here, because there is something good going for this place.

I’ll keep my diary upto date, login daily and try to account for myself - this is not a stressful exercise but better than drifting.

@Forerunner @Rebooter81 @Forodwaith
@Gk-00 @Karan050 @Rohitash

Just tagging you guys if you might feel similar. Thank you for helping me loads in my journey.

Day 1 - login to the app :+1:

Day 2 - login to app
Question myself when using my phone

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