If I can give you some advice brother;
Experiment and test everything,
Trying changing your perspective,
Ask different questions.
It’s great you are being fully honest and acknowledging your need for grace, keep working at that pragmatism,
Put your emotions on the shelf.
Keep testing, in a humble way, don’t let pride take over.
And narrow in, disregarding everything else,
on the thing that starts a small spark.
That little voice. Find silence, away from labels and ideas, be still, calm your soul.
Don’t get too contempt, but stand firm,
Narrow your eyes, furrow your eyebrows.
Start blessing every good little thing you notice.
Start loving people dearly, and love/forgive yourself