Yeah ignore it , nothing happened. The rewiring is still there. Just enjoy life and keep moving forward. Great to hear things are changing and you are in control, whether it’s your work or your emotions or your passion etc. And you even have such a supportive gf , happy for you 
! You’ll be alright.
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Thoughts on Day 3
Like many of you, the last few days and weeks have been heavily influenced by the corona crisis.
Since I work in a restaurant and those have been shut down for now, I stay at home. I’m still getting paid, even if it’s not the full wage, but it confronts me with the challenge of staying at home all day.
In some aspects that’s a good thing. Since I live with my gf, the amount of possibilities to relapse is heavily reduced. The danger zone is limited to a time window between my gf going to sleep and me doing the same, and if I can just push myself to sleep early, it’s all fine.
On the other hand, the stress is a bit worse. Staying at home means a lot of free time spent in the same environment, and as much as I love my home, I’m the kind of person that needs to get out once in a while, hang with friends, meet some strangers, be part of the small city life.
I miss the talks with colleagues, the karaoke nights at the Irish pub, the random encounters when I went to the city to get something to eat.
There’s talking online, video chat and all, sure, but although I always would’ve said that before, now I really feel the impact that no social, personal interaction has on the human mind and soul.
I try to keep myself busy enough to not start overthinking too much, but not too busy so I feel stressed, and that’s a thin line for me these days.
How do you guys deal with staying at home, for the ones that have to right now?
Apart from that I relapse once in a while lately, but there’s too much going on to notice really. I released a new album a few days ago, am working on my music and my piano skills daily, finally picked up reading after breakfast again, and working out six days a week. A lot of positive things overall. Next would be to find some time to slow down and relax, since I noticed that I’m trying to be concentrated the whole day, and I get easily pissed when I can’t do so. But I can’t expect my brain to go full potential 24/7. Just need to learn how to refill my batteries.
Any tips?
Stay strong guys, and stay healthy!
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Thoughts on Day 1
All the staying inside starts to get to me. Not only does waking up to the same environment every morning force me into a weird kind of limbo, but also not being able to have some time alone. I’m literally in the same flat with another person 24/7, except rare occasions when one of us has to run some errands for 20 minutes. Even though we are talking about my girlfriend here, let me tell you that those few minutes every now and then make my day sometimes.
It’s also more difficult to get my shit done without thinking about it exactly that way: getting it done. Time just stretches into eternity and it’s easy to fool myself into thinking it will forever, hence making all efforts to do anything pointless.
I also struggle with getting in touch with myself. I am relapsing like once a week rn, and after my last project and some practicing I am on the verge of slipping into laziness again. Sometimes I just wake up and ask myself what it is I’m running from. Am I just addicted and that’s what makes me escape into fantasy, or am I still not content with my environment? Am I too addicted or fucked up by what happened in the past to appreciate what I do have now, or am I actually not happy and disconnected with myself and what I want in life?
Am I just trying to force myself into some way of thinking and living my life, and that’s what keeps me coming back to porn?
I mean, let’s face it, if I would really want something, or if I’d be truly happy, would I be running back like that all the time? Wouldn’t I, in a case like that, just stop and start focusing on other stuff?
And then again, of course I know the chemistry behind an addiction, and that tells me that I can’t be happy like I am on porn, because the happiness porn gives me is fundamentally different from what a good life will give me, meaning as long as I keep looking for porn I’ll keep looking for happiness in the wrong direction, making it impossible for anything or anyone to live up to these unrealistic expectations.
I guess I’m mainly just disappointed in myself again lately, and that makes it difficult to press on. It makes me stressed, and sad, and exhausted.
At least one thing seems to be clear: I have to get off autopilot. I have to start making decisions. I have to sit down, think: what will I do next, then think about it and actually go through with what I think is best, not what immediate pops into my mind. And then stick with my opinion and build on that. To become a person I’m okay with.
So, one specific goal for the coming week: stop and reflect my actions and then follow through with them. See you around
Thoughts on Day 2
Feels like it’s always day two or three over here lately.
Some good news! I recently managed to not drink alcohol, smoke any weed (did that occasionally before with friends) or drink any caffeine for three months. I set myself to the challenge in January because last year I did the same for a month with some friends as a bet.
On one hand I’m actually surprised. I wasn’t an alcoholic or anything, but as I’m working in a Restaurant/bar and a lot of my social contacts revolve around bars, I was drinking on a rather regular basis. Not talking about getting shitfaced, but two, three, four beer two or three times a week were considered normal. .
And then, nothing. It was so easy.
And then the realization how much easier it was than quitting porn. Although drinking was an integral part of my social life, although the active temptations, like friends asking me out for a drink, were so much higher, I could easily do it.
I guess it just showed me once again that even if I’m doing better, way way better actually than two years or even five years ago, I’m just so used to being stimulated by porn or sexual stimuly of any kind, it’s such an integral part of my life that I hate, but still can’t imagine my life without it.
Like, I can imagine it, like a fantasy, but I don’t really believe that I can make it. That I’d be happier on the other side. Even though I noticed all those bad impacts it has on me and my life…
Is it weird to realize that, this far in?
I don’t like it, I don’t want to be that person, but on the other, I can’t lie about it either. I wish I was that person that really truly hates relapsing, but I have to be honest about that part that still goes back. Like a child always eating too much cookies, it’s no use slapping it every time you catch it. It might start to feel bad and guilty, but it will still want those cookies. Better ask why it’s coming back, give him something better to do…
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I know that feeling. It feels like pmo is just a part of you that you have no control over. But this just isn’t the case if you have the right methods to take control.
I wrote this before but I’m a problem solving kind of guy, if you try to answer/achieve something without the right answers/methods you probably will not succeed. You must find the right methods/answers that work for you so that you can take control of this thing. And you might have the answer partly, but without the whole recipe for success you will fail constantly. Choose what ACTUALLY works for you.
For me I’ve been setting a time everyday where I get alone with myself and because I’m spiritual I pray. Then after that I have a side practice I do. Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays I read 3 different affirmations everyday 10x’s that remind myself that I’ve got this under control, I love myself, and I’m improving everyday. On Tuesdays, and Thursdays I practice my method for dealing with urges just so it becomes normal to me and it strengthens my willpower/confidence.
This may seem like a lot but it literally takes 10 minutes each day and it’s helped a lot. I also do a lot more stuff but I feel these are the most crucial things I’ve started incorporating. I suggest you make a method that actually works for you and stop using the wrong answers to your problem. God bless you man.
Thanks for your words.
I also found that I have to have some time alone everyday, sometime where I don’t feel like anybody could knock on my mental doors and just get in touch with myself. I guess I’ll look into some meditation techniques - not because it’s any better than just sitting down, but sometimes it helps to have some kind of fixpoint to rely on that you won’t doubt. You just do it.
As for the rest, my main drive is to concentrate on anything else than porn to constitute meaning in my life. But with PMO it’s a bit like a girlfriend you found out doesn’t fit with you. You want to break up before you find someone else, because if you are still in this bad relationship you will make the same mistakes and find another girl that wont fit, but at the same time you don’t want to be completely alone, so you kind of stay…so the key is probably to be okay with being alone, to concentrate on something else…I don’t know. Complicated stuff, these emotions, haha ^^’
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I agree. That is why I fix my day on positive things I can achieve whilst making a conscious effort to strengthen/sustain my determination and willpower.
I liken it to exercising. How do you improve with exercising? You use proper practice. Same thing with training willpower and sustaining a healthy determination.
Asking of yourself the willpower to say no to something you obviously have no control over isn’t productive and ultimately leads in the cycle of failure. But if you practice these things daily you become stronger mentally, more prepared, and confident in your ability to fight these urges. Like I said 10 minutes max and it’s actually quite relaxing.
But these are only tips bro, you can choose the route you want. God bless.
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Thoughts on Day 7
Made it to a week again! And feeling great.
I guess it’s due to me getting more active on pursuing some goals of mine, and, what’s even more important, getting positive feedback from both others as well as myself in the form of just feeling good about myself.
Now going for ten days, small steps.
Hope you all are doing great!
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Thoughts on Day 10
Just a quick update. 10 days done. Now onto half a month!
Edit:
Well shit. Relapsed an hour after writing that.
What happened? Well, I had kind of an argument with my SO earlier today, which left us both on weird terms. I went on to distract myself by playing with a few friends online, and when they left I felt alone, tired and like going to bed next to my girlfriend would just make me worse instead of better or relaxed (which I hate, thinking that). And so I stayed awake and the usual thought of “just listen a bit, just to relax a bit and then go to bed”. And woop, an hour was gone, and woop, of course it didn’t stop at just listening.
I just had a really good week, not because of distractions or some good days with my girlfriend, but actually just because of myself and what I accomplished. And when we had that fight, I felt like she was taking that away from me, which was frustrating. For a moment I actually wished that I was alone and could just enjoy that feeling without having to care about others, or rather fulfilling their expectations…
I mean, I know that it has to be difficult for her and that she has emotional needs and wants to spend time with me, but I can’t shake the feeling of being pressured. Not like she’s been happy that I’m having a good week, but like she’s like “ah now that you are here we can finally do this and that”, of that makes any sense…
And, to rant a bit more specific, now that I think of it the moment the mood got weird was when she, on a side note, mentioned us having kids. Not that I wouldn’t want kids in general, but I was just overwhelmed by the thought of having that much of a responsibility when all I can think of and work on right now is myself, reaching my goals and getting clean of that addiction.
It felt like suddenly I was I doubt she understands the full extent of what this addiction does to me and how much of an impact it has on how I function right now. That I simply can’t tell what I will think about in a year from now…
I suddenly felt like there will be a point where I will, without any doubt, disappoint her. And so I distanced myself…
And I just don’t know how I would tell her all that without pushing her away.
At least I know what is happening. I also know what I did the last week, and I will continue doing so.
So, onwards to another week!
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Just a thought, but I don’t think it’d be such a bad idea if you showed her this last post you just wrote down. I know atleast for me it’s hard for me to be vulnerable as a man, I always want to tough through things. But maybe if you showed her what you really thought, or maybe even told her if you can, she might understand. Don’t know how she’d react, but if she really loves you she’ll understand that you need her support. And I know it might be hard for her too because she thinks you probably don’t really want to quit otherwise you’d be done with this by now. She’s frustrated and tired probably. Tough situation, but not one that you can’t overcome together.
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Thoughts on Day 1
First, thank you @Sacred for your last comment.
I didn’t talk to my girlfriend about that, nor did I show her the post. Not because I didn’t wanna share, but because it was just a whole rush of raw thoughts spoken out of the moment.
I did tell her I felt pressured, and that actually made her sad. Didn’t talk about it more than that though…
Did also tell her that it is difficult for me to balance parts of my life right now, since it’s like a step by step thing, and she noted that, but didn’t comment furthermore. She never was the big talker, she’s mainly a solution-looking-person.
Anyway, relapsed another time after 4 days yesterday.
Hope to make it beyond that this time.
I notice that I’m getting distracted in my everyday life again. That it is affecting my concentration in times where I’m tired or under pressure. I also noticed that I am handling everything that’s only remotely a bother like it is endangering my whole lifelong wellbeing, and that’s showing mostly in nurturing relationships. They are work sometimes, they demand effort and sometimes you need to listen to someone if you don’t want to, show support when you are stressed or think of ways to show them you’re appreciating them, even if it feels like an effort. Maybe because it is. But effort is not a bad thing.
But when I’m confused and distracted by porn, the implications porn puts in my mind or even actively NOT being influnced by it - all that drains my energy.
And that’s energy I’m lacking when it comes to relationships.
I mean, think of it - if you come home after a long days work, you maybe don’t wanna go on immediately talking to a shitton of friends and family, even if they are good people you love. You need time to recharge.
Battling porn addiction, any addiction really, is like being at work the whole time. And at least in my case, it stresses me out, it demands all my focus, and if someone or something wants a part of that focus as well, I try to do both justice, and when I find I can’t and I am disappointing people, I get angry. Angry at myself, really, but all that other person will notice is me getting angry or passive aggressive or just stressed all of a sudden, and that person will think it’s her or his fault.
I think that is what’s happening to me and my girlfriend if I’m not sorting this shit out. I’m not having problems with PIED, I’m not thinking about leaving her just to fuck other girls, but I’m slowly corrupting the foundation of our relationship.
When I think of it that way, that’s what may have happened to me and some once good friends as well. Ugh. It just hurts writing that down and realizing it at the same time…
It’s interesting how even after years of actively working against this addiction, I still find out about things that shift my perception and concepts of basic things about me, my character, and things that happened to me. For years you can’t really find peace and lose friends or, as in my case, change them every year or so, and you think it’s just you, or it’s them, or you meet the wrong people, or you might not be loveable enough to make an impact on others lives enough so they won’t forget you.
And then you realize that they might have though about you that way but you continously hurt them without even noticing by treating them like almost strangers…
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Hey, I might overstep here (sorry about that): I’m also a solution-looking person and I struggled in the past with just being there for somebody. I always felt I had to fix things. It took me a lot of time, books and courses at uni to change this and be able to be present emotionally and don’t escape my feelings when a problem occured, something was hard or when I saw a friend struggling. I also had to learn to accept others help and let them love me and support me.
Because of these, I feel I can relate to both of you.
I think it’d worth trying to improve your personalities together. For eg you can help her learning how to support and comfort someone the way they need to be supported induvidually and she could help you think through your strategy… If you can work on this together you’ll be able to work on anything together.
I think you’re a little bit hard on yourself and this can be another reason of relapses.
I have the same motivation. I met a great guy recently and I really feel that I have to quit this now once and for all or it’s going to poison our relationship. I always planned (and tried) to stop it before I get into a serious relationship and actually I didn’t wanted to date anybody at the time he asked me out but I ended up saying yes and now things are getting serious so I don’t have any time left to waste.
Good luck, @amadeus
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Hey, thanks for taking the time to read through and reply.
Regarding your first comment, true: we have to grow together, and we already are. Before we were together she told me she was even less open, and she already helped me in several occasions where I was beginning to spiral down and her pragmatic personality got me out of there.
I think entries in my diary, especially when thinking about a certain problem, tend to sound more extreme than intended ^^
To the second thing: again, I might have sounded too harsh. It’s not that I’m actively beating myself down because I wanna be at five places at once, what I was stating are the facts. It’s the same as with time. Porn was often taking up all my time, and then I sat there for hours instead of sleeping and got more tense the next day.
And last but not least, all the best with your guy!
I found it to be difficult handling a relationship and coming clean, BUT then again it’s always difficult to get clean, and it’s always difficult to be in a relationship ^^’
Cheers
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Thoughts on Day 1
89 to go.
If I can follow through with my plans this time, I’ll be crossing the 90 days mark at my birthday. Best present ever.
Normally, I don’t try to set myself goals like that. Experience tells me that this is an uphill struggle, that this is not one battle but rather a war consisting of countless small wins and losses, that ultimately will end in victory. In a better life.
Not counting last year, the three birthdays before that were rather horrible. In two of those I had nervous breakdowns, 2016 I spent the morning alone contemplating in what a horrible place I was and then spending the rest of the day with my then toxic ex which ruined the whole morning experience…I remember lying on the bed 2017 and explaining to my ex why I randomly couldn’t stop crying.
Last year was nice. I spent the day with my gf and a lot of friends outside (our birthdays align by a week so we partied together).
This year though could be great. I just came out of two 10 days streaks, and the overall average is continuously going up. That’s because I focus on my life, not in staying clean. It rewards me with continuous improvement, but at the same time it is slow.
But if I can cross that three months, putting active effort into this again and committing, I’d be showing myself that this year is a change. It’s different from those years back then. Plus, If it has the same effect on me like it did when I once reached roughly half a year, I’ll be feeling so great on my birthday, actually enjoying it and not just experiencing it from a place inside myself.
So, this is my commitment. 90 days.
If something inside tells me that I actually want to relapse, I’ll just tell myself: you can relapse after your birthday. Just once, these 3 months. I’ll trick my brain into working towards a relapse in 3 months and then show him that it’s not worth it anymore then. Like when you tell a friend you go to a football game and then actually bring him to his bachelor party. He will be pissed but then again the party will make up for it 
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Thoughts on Day 5
Doing great so far. Five days felt like one. I was actually a bit surprised when I looked at my counter this morning.
Can’t say much else than everything is great right now. Relationship is stronger than ever, work is fine even though Corona hit us hard, I am actively working on the next steps to making a living with my music (or at least a good part of it), and I got great support in my girlfriend, my friends nearby and my reliability partner.
I tend to miss out on time with friends, and that’s something I need to figure out, but hey, I can actually do that. Doesn’t feel like something horrible.
I really think that my overall emotional moods are at the same time flattening and not affecting me as badly as before, but also it has a more profound impact on my life in general.
Like, I don’t get angry anymore as easily, but when I have a good talk with someone I really think about what was said.
Well, see you guys on Day 10
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Thoughts on Day 15
Well, took me another go but here we are at half a month. Was peaking maybe two or three times during that time but never went beyond that and shutting off whatever it was.
Last few days I’m experiencing mood swings. I never know if something I experience is really related to my recovery or if it’s just tied to something else in my life (that’s why it is so important for me to really get beyond a point where PMO is part of the equation).
One day I’m in a high mood, the next I’m just feeling a bit lost and afraid.
At least one thing this addiction taught me is not taking my moods all too serious. I can watch and wait, and if tomorrow or in a week or a month I’m still feeling the same way, I can actually think about what to do. Otherwise it’s just an impulse, triggered by whatever.
I’m also noticing that I’m more often attracted to random woman. To some of you that mind sound like a good sign, to me it’s not. It means I’m looking at them as substitutes for what I was looking at in porn, and I wish I could stop that (nothing wrong with finding someone attractive though don’t get me wrong. It’s just the frequency of it happening lately and also the feelings connected to it). I hope I can get through this, last time I had a high streak it stopped after a while. It means my recovery is on a good path but also makes the next days and weeks challenging. It’s the time when every woman that smiles at me becomes a trigger…hate that.
Next week finally heading into my holidays. After all the stress I had lately I hope I can find some balance then.
That stress was positive in a way - work started again after the shutdown, my music stream is developing great so far and I was also hired again for playing live at an exhibition. But it was lots of work and even if it was doable, for me it was linked to some situations that caused me stress over a longer period of time. It’ll be good to get my head out of that.
Because stress and discomfort are the two main reasons I always turn to porn. For comfort, and to escape reality.
So here we go for a month!
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Thoughts on Day 30
I feel great.
That’s my main thought on Day 30, finally made it to a whole month.
A quick overview on what changed.
My mood is more consistent, or maybe I just got in touch with myself and understand myself better. At least I barely ask myself why I feel a certain way. During the vacation with my gf there was an evening where I got angry randomly during a boardgame and after that we talked and I reflected a while and found out that my frustration tolerance is super low, and if I get frustrated by whatever reasons I tend to get angry and aggressive. Since the moment I learned that it didn’t happen again.
Same with concentrating. I get really easily distracted by noise, to a point where it’s ridiculous. Like a fly, or the humming of the refrigerator, but mainly music. I stopped listening to music while working on something and it works!
Also I stopped overthinking (most of the time) and am happy most of the time. If I’m stressed at work it just boosts my feelings of accomplishment if I make it through. If something bad happens I try to overcome it and it doesn’t cloud my whole judgement. It’s like “okay in this moment i feel bad, but that doesn’t mean I am a sad person in general”.
I also spend less time on the phone and the PC. Phone is still a problem sometimes, but on the PC I just work and then shut it down without regrets or the thought of missing something. Instead, I continuously spend more time reading, especially when I come home late after work. That helps me calm down and reflect about my day.
I also can concentrate better and thus I’m more productive, probably because I take my time to relax before I focus on something important. Also because I don’t have that constant itch in the back of my mind telling me to stop wasting time on concentrating and start watching porn…
It still happens that I think about a relapse, or certain things I remember. I guess that will be the case for a long time, but these moments happen less and less, and it just feels like they don’t have as much impact and appeal. I think “yeah that was nice” and the next moment I just know that it’s not as good as taking a nap on the couch. And then my brain is onto other things.
It feels like I finally grew into other interests and things and they outnumber the impact porn had on my brain. Can’t wait for the development in the next few weeks!
All in all, I just feel more connected. To me, to my life and my surroundings and to the people in my life.
Tonight I’m heading out for a nice dinner with my girlfriend, as a celebration for hitting a month. Next stop two months!
Hope you guys are doing good as well!
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Thoughts on Day 47
I’m still doing good, and no relapse (as in masturbating to porn) yet, but I was close, and there have been a few drawbacks.
Over the last few days, I was slowly getting closer to a relapse, day by day. And with it, my whole brain started drifting back into old thought patterns.
I can’t tell how exactly it started. I think I was talking to someone and an old kink of mine got mentioned and I was spending a bit too much time thinking about it, probably even fantasizing.
That led to me visiting pages I didn’t open for a long time. I was planting these things back into my mind. I didn’t relapse, but it’s interesting and frightening to see how much that did to me.
I was getting more stressed again. Probably because downtime became time I spent fantasizing, and for me these fantasies are often linked to the fact that they differ from my real life. All of a sudden I was subconsciously annoyed by my circumstances, my friends, my girlfriend, my duties in daily life, just because they were keeping me from indulging in said fantasies, just because they didn’t seem as rewarding as the idea of those fantasies were.
At one point I remember myself even thinking that “this can’t be it. My life as it is now is not as good as it could be. Maybe there’s something better out there, maybe I shouldn’t commit to my relationship too much, and to my flat, and my life in this city”.
Super frightening. Because I am building my life here right now, and these thoughts weren’t there before a week ago. On the contrary, I was planning stuff for the flat, thinking about my job, kids, future stuff…
This morning I woke up and spent the whole morning in a state of uncomfort. I realized that I was off track. As if I was taking a wrong turn a few days ago and now looking on my life and being unsatisfied. At the same time I was shocked because I realized how much better i was doing a few days ago. And by better I don’t mean being clean, I mean being happy. And that was a really important realization:
I was happier with my life when porn wasn’t a part of it.
So now I make a U-turn as long as it’s not too late. I’m concentrating on what’s important again, going to bed early today and waking up early tomorrow to get some things done in the flat that I missed out lately.
In the end, I’m still on the right path, but I wanted to share this experience the past few days, maybe to also remind myself: I’m not doing this because some part of me tells me it is the right thing to do, or because it’s morally better (even if it is imo when it comes to the p industry…), or because people tell me to.
I’m doing it because it makes me happy.
Not porn does make me happy, even if it tries to fake it.
Going my own way does.
See you all on Day 60!
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Thoughts on Day 0
I made it to 51 days! That’s insane, wouldn’t have been possible a short while ago and marks my best streak in months.
I relapsed not due to my cravings for porn, I realized, but because of my cravings for input. I was in a rush, just finishing some work and in between that and work in the afternoon.
I somehow felt that I have to do something. I didn’t allow myself to take a breath and find some peace and quiet. Instead, I pulled out my phone, checked like every single app I had installed twice, then checked websites, and then ended up on PornHub.
One thing led to another.
But this again is an important realization. It’s not about what I see in porn, not even about the imagery or the fantasies they portray, it was literally as good as anything in that moment to keep me occupied, if only my brain wasn’t conditioned to find release and comfort in that.
Second important realization: it didn’t provide comfort or safety. Not at all. It just kept me occupied, it filled the void. Well, not the void (haven’t been confronted with that in a while), but a void. A blank to be filled in my day.
And third important realization is that my progress isn’t completely lost. I have made a lot of progress the past two months, and I started to build some healthy routines and habits. If I continue, I’m sure that these habits will replace my reactive behaviour when it comes to such blank spaces in my daily life.
Next time I am feeling that blank space, I’m going to meditate twenty minutes on my balcony. Mind you, not the next time I want to watch porn. The feeling of emptiness comes before that, it’s the reaction to that that I have to replace, not me craving porn.
I won’t set any goals for now. I’ll approach the coming time the same I approached my last streak. Day by Day 
Have a great day, wherever you are 
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hey buddy
The last few days, I felt exactly the same! To me, it is always surprising how similar our experience are.
I was extremely tired and not able to focus on anything for the last week. So, I was looking for something to entertain me, to lift my spirits and let me focus.
So I watched Youtube videos first. Then I thought about playing a game and in the end after that, I started to watch porn. I wasn’t even drawn to it. I just looked for ways to be energetic
I was thinking about writing a bullet point list with emotions which lead to me, needing entertainment. (For me it is mainly hunger, tiredness and fear).
From time to time I could sit down and rate these points. I can handle them to a certain threshold without problems but after that I always relapse.
Maybe you could do something similar? For me, once I’m aware of my tiredness without actively searching for it, it is already too late. But if I listen to my feelings I can sense the tiredness days in advance. I guess, actively scanning your mind for the presence of the blank space could also lead to an earlier detection.
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