Alpaco's crusade [Diary]

Diary
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Are these helping you in any way?

Some of them are, some aren’t.

reddit is quite a time waster

It is, I’m trying to limit my use of Youtube and Reddit because I noticed that if I start scrolling I loose notion of time.

Reddit is also a huge urge trigger.

Are you talking about a specific communities? I can’t think of any time that has happened to me

So I’d recommend you use it less.

Yes

You don’t need an account for that though.

One of the main reason for which I have an account is to participate in discussions

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It’s your call. Though personally, I would not recommend a reddit account. Please don’t go exploring reddit, just stick to your well known communities and you should be good to go.

I only speak from concern. As far as nofap is concerned, for most people reddit is a ticking time bomb.

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Please don’t go exploring reddit, just stick to your well known communities and you should be good to go.

Alright!

Also thanks for the concern, it means a lot

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Hey man! It’s good to find another Christian who found this at a young age. I’m 15 so I’m close to you. Let me know if you need anything!!

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Wow, 15? I didn’t imagine I’d find someone else this young trying to stop! All of my friends talk about masturbation casually and make dirty jokes all the time so I was kinda loosing hope, but after all, not all is lost

Btw, I don’t think I ever said it on this thread but I turned 14 so we are even closer hahahaha

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Yeah dw you’re not alone man.

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It’s getting harder. Recently, instead of failing because I wasn’t enough willing to fight temptation, I’m failing because I’m not enough willing to try at all.

When I’m tempted I’m just like: “I shouldn’t do it…” and it ends there. Instead of trying to fight the temptation, instead of praying, I’m just aware that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m about to do but do it anyway.

I’ve also started to kind of participate when my friends make dirty jokes and stuff like that.

Looking back at all the things that I did, it doesn’t look like I’m the one who did them. I think “I’mnot thatkind of person, how could it happen?” Yet it has happened, and it was only my fault. I really need to stop. Watching porn, masturbating, making dirty jokes, everything. I must always remember that whatever I’m doing, God is still there.

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Since I’ve stopped using this app regularly it has once again become normal for me to relapse multiple times a day… The thing is, I don’t even try to stop anymore, I just do it eithout thinking too much about it. And it’s not the first time I get in a situation like this…
I know I’ve said this many times already and it would be normal if you didn’t believe me, but I’m going to try to actually quit. (I know I should be more confident about it but it’s not easy…)

My problem might be that I don’t see PMO as a poison, instead, I see it as a forbidden pleasure. As if it was something that I shouldn’t do but is actually great, and not as something that’s killing both my soul and my body.

I felt the urge to write here because I saw a video on Reddit and for some reason it stopoed me from relapsing
https://www.reddit.com/r/196/comments/v09gc1/rule/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

I really don’t know why, it just made me feel so guilty for what I have done and what I was about to do

I will try to update this dairy more often since it helped me last year

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Where I live it’s 2:16 am and I just relapsed because I couldn’t sleep and after staying in bed for a couple of hours I did it, but I’m not loosing hope because it had been a lot of time since last time I made a 5 days streak, I know it’s not a lot but sadly it’s higher than average for me.

Lately I am trying to take violin more seriously and I’m trying to practice more often, I want to get better. This is in part because I don’t know anymore what I want to do after high school and becoming a musician or a violin teacher are definitely good options

At violin school I have also met a girl that I’m not sure I like but thinking about her helped me A LOT to overcome urges

On the other hand, I have always thought that when you love someone you don’t really have to ask yourself if you actually love her because you already know

I think I am living a really good period in my life right now, school has ended and the only thing that keeps me busy are violin lessons, in which I have a lot of fun. The only bad side is that there’s still pmo (for now)

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Sometimes I remember about this thread and all the promises I couldn’t keep

I just wanted to let those who care know that I’m doing better, I’ve managed to stay for 18 days without relapsing, I still failed but I think I understood how it works. That would be, (if I’m right), the mentality. You are supposed to understand that pmo is a poison, and you must stop wanting it in the first place.

Right now I’m at day 2 but I’m quite confident I will get to at least day 10, and after that, it gets easier so that shouldn’t be a problem

I have also decided to cut down on social media after finding out I spend multiple hours a day using them, without realizing. Now I can spend up to 10 minutes on Youtube, Reddit and Instagram, each. Just so that I can reply to messages people send me. Can’t wait to see how much free time I’m going to have if I don’t waste it on those apps

Of course I’m still going with the violin, and lately I’ve be kinda getting into singing as well, after finding out my vocal range (apparently I’m a bass)

This year I’m going to start catechism for my confirmation lesgooooo

Btw, I live in a beautiful small town in Italy, full of green, buildings that have been overrun (is that the right word?) by nature… It’s beautiful but I’m so used to it I don’t notice it every time, I think that maybe now that I won’t use all my dopamine on pmo, I’m going to appreciate it more.
It’s also a great place to go on adventures (There are even multiple ghost towns at like 15 minutes of distance). Such things would be great to do, especially when my ‘dopamine standards’ aren’t as high as they are now.

Also, a few years ago I would always try to get into reading but I never did because I would get bored after only a few pages, but yesterday I started reading a book (The Paul Street Boys) and read through the first 10 pages quite easily, so that’s cool. I’ve been trying to read that book since elementary school, so…:sweat_smile:
On the other hand, now that I’m 15 it’s much more relatable so it’s also more interesting to read. Hopefully once I’ve got for a few months without pmo I can be as brave, as energetic and as ambitious as the boys in the book.

P.S.
I know all these paragraphs are disconnected but that’s just how my brain works, sorry hahaha

Wishing the best on everyone

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I’m now at day 3, everything is going well.

After limiting my time on social media I noticed I kept turning the phone on for no apparent reason. I think that was when I would normaly start mindlessly scrolling. It’s honestly scary how it happens without you realizing, and you can just waste multiple hours everyday doing something you never actually decided to do.

Okay. Are these helping you in any way? I don’t think so, to be honest, reddit is quite a time waster and not worth it. If you have any reference work to be done you have better sources and don’t need an account. Reddit is also a huge urge trigger.
So I’d recommend you use it less. But that’s just my opinion.
r/memes is fun, I check it from time to time. You don’t need an account for that though.

After all I ended up following your advice😂

When I want to use media I instead start reading and I’m now at page 50 of the book, letsgooo

About nofap itself, I haven’t felt any urges yet, and it’s all going well.
Lately I was thinking, since I started pmo very early, I’m not sure I remember how it feels to simply live with normal dopamine sensitivity, so it will really be amazing when it happens!

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Day 8, I think abstaining from social media helped me because I haven’t felt any urges, but I must not be proud and think I’ve won already, because from what I’ve learned, that’s when I fail. It’s probably the main reason of my relapses, together with “This is the last time, I’m only losing a short streak anyway”.

This week I’ve been using the phone for around 2-3 hours everyday, which is great when compared to 5-9 and sometimes even 12…

Yesterday I finished reading The Paul Street Boys and I really liked it, now I’m reading The Great Meaulnes. This one is a bit of a harder read but I think I should be able to get through it.

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Oh, I didn’t think anyone was reading these! That makes me happy.

Right now I’m at day 2 but I’m quite confident I will get to at least day 10

This is a very rare instance of me actually doing what I said I would, I’m now at day 15.
I still feel no urges, but that might be related to the fact that I’ve had a bit of fever recently (I’m fine now).

Since I’m not bound by 2 and 3 days streaks like I was when I participated here 2 years ago, I was wondering, what is generally considered a good streak?

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Ok, day 1. I won’t beat myself up. Instead, I will learn from my errors.

I noticed that in the few days before the relapse I had already started “spiraling” towards it. By that I mean, when I saw anything lustful, I would turn my eyes away with less and less determination each time, until it became actively watching. I had also started using YouTube for more time than I intended to. It’s like I wasn’t relapsing yet, but I was getting closer and closer.

What did I learn from that?

  1. I was right in thinking that it’s mostly about the mindset, and what made me fail was slowly losing it. Even before actually relapsing I had already stopped living the right lifestyle. It’s kind of hard to explain with words, but in my head it’s very clear. (The problem is I can’t just tell you “Nature-wood-adventure-mud-leather life good, indoor-internet-otaku-artificial-cheetos life bad”… or can I?)
    Next time I’m going to fix this by remembering of all I’m trying to achieve (The right lifestyle), and how after relapsing I would wish to go back in time and undo my actions.
  2. I also learned that, even if just one concession seems fine, (Like looking at a girl for just one second or using YouTube for 15 minutes instead of 10), because one concession leads to another (And starts the spiral I was talking about in the second paragraph) I can’t allow it.
    AND NOW I MUST GO OOOONNNNNN
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