Sh*t
I shouldn’t have talked. Why am I so proud (I mean proud as a sin). I should have knew that instead of focusing on my streak I should have focused on what comes next. The flatline.
I relapsed. In 2 hours it would have been 1 week.
I searched “Anime thumbs up” to send it to a friend as a joke. Among the images there were an anime girl who I had already saw, she was the pfp of another friend and I got curious to know where she came from. She didn’t come from an anime and was just a character, but because she was cute I decided to see if there was ■■■■ of her… I didn’t want to masturbate, I was “curious”. This happened this morning and now, in the evening I relapsed. An image can hunt you for a whole day.
I tought it was curiousity, it was my brain distantly telling me to fap.
I could have not searched for ■■■■ and after doing that I could have forgot it or ignored it. I should have kept me busy.
It has already happened that I relapsed on the 7th day, next time I’ll be paying attention. It’s probably when the flatline begins for me.
I was studying Eugenio Montale (You probably don’t know who he is but ok. He was a poet) and there is this thing he wrote
Often the ill of living…
Often have I met the ill of living:
it was the choked stream that gurgles,
it was the shriveling of a leaf,
parched, it was the horse, crashed.
Good I have not known, outside the miracle
which discloses divine’s Indifference:
it was the statue in the somnolence
of noon, and the cloud, and the lofty hawk.
(Translation by A. Baruffi, Literary Joint)
Now… i know that it’s not what he is referring to but I think you can apply the same thing on nofap (about indifference, like when you are having urges. Try to re-read thinking about masturbation as the ill of living)
Today I’ve spent a lot of time outside. Not mucht o say tbh. I didn’t feel an urge if not a small desire, but it was really weak
We should find a name for those
But really, they are super easy to handle.
Well… One thing happened tho
I usually go in the chaser effect after a relapse. It didn’t happen this time, even if for now they are just 2 days
Ok, I just had an urge. Pretty strong for what I’m used to, but now it’s gone.
I think I should give a backstory tho.
When I was in elementary school I had a friend. He was smart and funny but also a pervert. He already knew how babies born and not only that but was a PMO addict (And he still is…). Completely, he didn’t just fap at that young age, he would do a lot of dirty jokes and watch porn too. I was his friend and was innocent and dumb so he taught me everything. That’s how I discovered MO. 3-4 Years later I started watching porn too. I knew it was a thing before watching it but I didn’t have a phone and didn’t really know how to hide it from my parents, it just wasn’t for me.
I knew from the very beginning it was bad. I didn’t know it was a mortal sin and all but I knew something was wrong and I shouldn’t do it, so I always tried to stop but I was so young…
During the addiction there were ups (30 days streak) and downs (The worst period was 3-4 times per day).
One day, after I had relapsed I downloaded an app that kept track of my streak (Quitzilla) and it was kinda cool but didn’t really help. Some months later I decided that Quitzilla wasn’t enoguh and searched for an app that could help me more and here I am on Rewire Companion.
Now I’m still really young, the thing at elementary school happened only 5 years ago so you can get an idea of my age hahaha.
Oh right, about this, do you think something changes about nofap basing on age?
I think it does, I am 23 years of age currently and I am pretty confident that I’ll get a job and a girlfriend in a while, but I have to work for that, so that is my motivation now a days for doing no fap and I am feeling confident too that I’ll never watch p*** again in my life. But I can’t say anything for sure as I embarked on the journey of no fap just last year. @Alpaco
“Very few young people have the self discipline to stay away once they are addicted…”
-@The_wild_perception
As a Young People™ myself, I agree. I often try to make my friends change their mind about fapping, and the only one who tried couldn’t last more than 1 day and gave up after 4-5 days. And it’s hard for me too ;-;
But!
I usually fall into the chaser effect after a relapse, and this time I didn’t!
Btw the goal I do more often is going for a walk because it’s more like exploring. I live in countryside and there are a lot of trees with a stream and it’s kinda hard to go there. I mean, the path is blocked by trees, bramble and thorns so it’s nice to discover new paths and places. (Mediterranean scrub)
Oh no… Not by any standards… This is an epidemic more serious than covid or any fucking thing on earth… I just wish good luck… This habit really hurts the young
you are having an urge, the probability you will relapse is 80% . you think more and more what you can do. you will feel like “aight i cant take it anymore” . but then an inner voice will come out from you will say fuck urges! im not choosing mediocrity, i will survive , i will stay patient! Now already the chances of your relapse becomes 50%. after that you start taking steps to stop urges. you meditate , go out in public , listen to music and you can even try “urge buster” exercise. this reduces chances for relapse to 30% . You did not choose to peak, it reduced your chances for relapse by 0%. now you look back and thank yourself that you did not relapse that time!
Got it!
And the chance will be -70% because it’ll be awkward to relapse after someone helped me!
Aight, I’m about to try to meditate, it’s the first time for me
Edit
I was watching a video about how to meditate and it was kinda boring and meanwhile the urge passed. Good.
I talked too early. I’m not going to let myself down, I did that enough, I look pathetic. It’s always “Yay streak” → “Sad relapse”.
I’m not saying I shouldn’t feel guilty, but it’s useless to keep being depressed and going “sOrRy I rElApSeD”.
What led me to relapse?
I was bored
What mistakes did I make?
I tought “This is the last time” just like everytime.
What could I have done instead?
I could have listened to music and just ignored the urge.
Now.
Time is slow.
I need to be patient.
Urges hit hard between day 4 and 7.
I need to be disciplined.
Am I disciplined? Yeah!
Do I have honour? OBVIOUSLY!
Can an addiction defeat me? OBVIOUSLY NOT!
I AM BETTER THAN THIS!
I. WILL. QUIT. ONCE. AND. FOR. ALL.
This thing is slowly killing me and I’m feeding it, I’m helping it to destroy me.
IT’S TIME TO STOP!
NEXT TIME I’M GONNA CUT ITS HEAD OFF!
Am I strong? (Not physically but) SURE!
Am I determined? YEAH!!!
Will I achieve eternal life? OBVIOUSLY!!!
I won’t make any promises because I know where they lead and I also know I’ve said this before relapsing but
I think this time it’ll go better.
Acta non verba.
I’ve changed my approach and from now on I’ll rely more on God. With His help I’ll be able to overcome all the urges of this world.
I can already see an improvement:
I’m waiting for the next urge so I can try this approach.
I won’t just think that I want to go to heaven, I will remember that God wants me to success even more than I do, that to preserve my honour I MUST stop, that to ask God for help is enough to receive it, that I’m letting Satan fool me, that my guardian angel is always there helping me and that I will become a Christ’s soldier. (Thus the name of the diary)
There is also another reason for the name:
The crusade in my heart, because when I feel an urge part of me wants to do it and the other one doesn’t, the other part is the christian army and part that wants to do it is sin. Also because
And there was a great battle in heaven, Michael and his angels fought with the dragon, and the dragon fought and his angels:
And they prevailed not, neither was their place found any more in heaven.
And that great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, who seduceth the whole world; and he was cast unto the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.
Basically it’s because it’s war between sin and mercy, good and evil.
I’m getting back my initial motivation.
Homo faber ipsius fortunae.
