Alastair's Journey To A Better Life šŸŒ„

Diary
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Hi everyone, Iā€™m a 17 year old college student, been on this journey for years but failed a lot of times. But this time Iā€™m doing it for real. I canā€™t go back anymore to the person I was before, too much is at stake. Iā€™m approaching the end of my freshman year and Iā€™m afraid of ruining my life. Iā€™m now on day 51 and Iā€™m really hoping I will never relapse again. Planning to make NoFap a lifestyle :grin:

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Yo dude Iā€™m also 17 !
Nice to hear that you are on day 51!
Truly wonderful job! Keep progressing :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thanks @nofapstar123 I hope you also succeed in this journey. :grinning:

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Keep going. You are greatā€¦ :fire::fire::pray::pray::pray:

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Since Iā€™m not writing from day 1, Iā€™d like to tell you guys what happened the past 50 days.

The first 4-5 weeks were the hardest for me. My body was begging me to relapse. Itā€™s weird, considering the fact we know relapse will only bring regret and pain yet our body throws a tantrum not getting it. Around 30+ days, I had my first flatline, it was the most depressive moment in my life. Suicidal thoughts often come to my mind. Everytime I feel sad, I would turn to PMO just to escape the pain but ironically, it makes me feel more sadder, so I would binge like a deprived animal. But this time, I had to break that cycle, during the flatline, my body was trying to convince me that PMOā€™s gonna make me feel happy, but deep down, I knew it was just a lie. Iā€™m grateful the flatline didnā€™t last long though, ever since, it was a little easy controlling the urges.

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Day 52

Today had hardly any challenging urges, the urge was as any other previous days, manageable I would say. I had nailed a good first impression today on introducing myself in front my classmates earlier today :smile: Tremendous confidence, I donā€™t think I couldā€™ve let a voice if I was still addicted, not saying Iā€™m free from itā€™s shackles though, flashbacks and effects of PMO does still linger around yet to unnoticeable amounts. Benefits are much more noticeable. Though my self-esteem stooped a little low again when I saw many beautiful womenā€¦ The thoughts were striking again.

My biggest shameful effect of PMO is that I see women as sex objects. I have imagined dirty and messed up things about them in my mindā€¦ I feel gutted inside knowing how perverted and how messed up my brain is. I plan to change that, I want to see women as human beings with purpose and goals that deserves respect. I want to see them as beautiful souls instead of just seeing them for pleasure.

I feel immense regret everytime I fantasize about themā€¦ But today, I had tried my best to avoid fantazing and improved a littlešŸ˜„

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Day 53

Today was great, woke up early and did some productive work. Urges were a little annoying but manageable. Negative thoughts still linger around my mind though, I regret wasting time on PMO while I couldā€™ve done things that would be beneficial. But past is the past I suppose. Still trying to move on.

Fortunately today was not-school day, so I didnā€™t get to see any women thus, didnā€™t thought too much about womenšŸ˜„ And also usually lā€™d just game and nap or whatever during days like this but I did some math practice to hone my skills.

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Day 54

Today was ok. Almost no urges I suppose. But effects of PMO still existent. Felt really insecure today and started to self loath. Fantasizing is still a problem, although itā€™s not as frequent as before. Benefits seems to start fading or maybe Iā€™m entering another flatline? If I do, I hope Iā€™ll manage.

One thingā€™s for sure, I will never go back to my old perverted-self again and fap like a perverted maniac. I just canā€™t allow it.

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Hours before Day 55

Itā€™s dawn now, Iā€™ve successfully tried to wake up early as possible and will proceed to do a checklist for today. Planning for a productive day, hopefully I will succeed.

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Congrats!

Donā€™t hesitate to share your checklist with us. It could inspire people.

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Thank you brother @FlowForCourage

Itā€™s not much but hereā€™s my checklist for today :smile:

  • Eat a light breakfast :white_check_mark:

  • Drink enough water :white_check_mark:

  • Complete a project [ Assigning tasks to members of my group ] :white_check_mark:

  • Practice math skills on past year papers :white_check_mark:

  • Complete chemistry assignments :white_check_mark:

  • Drink a cup of coffee and practice gratefulness :white_check_mark:

  • Laundry :x: [ Cloudy day, couldnā€™t dry cloths properly ]

  • Treat myself [ After everything is done ] eg. gaming, napping, reading. :white_check_mark:

Feeling energized and motivated since Iā€™m doing a lot already early in the morning :smile: Hopefully itā€™s enough to keep me busy from thinking about PMO .

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This isnā€™t the longest list I have seen, but itā€™s already a great one! :facepunch:

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Had thoughts about women today and had a cold shower after to gain back control. Feeling a little sleepy since doing so much, almost fell asleep while doing work. Now back on track to complete goals so I can finally rest :smiley:

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Courage! Itā€™s all part of the journey.

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Very great brother! Keep going like that!

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Day 55

Finally done all my checklist for today :grinning: It was challenging since I usually didnā€™t make checklists but having one is simply miraculous, somehow it just satisfies me simplifying everything I needed to do then check them off one by one.

Tommorow I will try to create goals where I would report them at the end of the day :smile: I think it would be beneficial since I often look forward to see things completed and I will try to make sure all my goals are :white_check_mark:

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Hours before Day 56

Managed to wake up at 4.00-4.30 AM. Itā€™s dawn now and will plan to make goals. Feeling energized and happy :smile: but still a little bit ā€œunstableā€. I hope I can make this a habit and become an early waker. Improvements I need to make is to sleep early, last night I played video games too much and sacrificed sleep. I hope I can change that too.

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Right now, I am feeling scared, anxious, lust. I canā€™t quite describe itā€¦

It is indeed extraordinary and odd at the same time that a simple ā€œHiā€ can make my heart flutter. There is this girl, attractive and smart. Basically the dream girl as they say. Before I even got serious with nofap, I made such an impression on her or so I thought, I was playful and kinda flirt with women before. But after being serious on nofap, I decided to drop all that. I wanted to become a man who doesnā€™t chase women to feed my lust. I want to pursue my goals instead of pursuing women.

I donā€™t like the feeling when I have a crush on someone. It distracts me from my goals, just earlier I even zoned out during math test due to her. I donā€™t seek relationships at such an early age too because I believe it is just hormones and lust of a teenager that we often mistaken with ā€œloveā€. Yet my body is being stubborn and trying hard to convince me Iā€™m in love. I also want to love only the person I will marry, I donā€™t like the idea of giving my heart to someone that Iā€™m not even sure of spending the rest of my life with.

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Day 56

Today was a little challenging but had good things as well. I woke up early and did some chemistry and math work. Had good focus while studying but then the challenge began, a certain girl had made my heart flutter and thoughts start to distract me from my goals. Thankfully I had help from companions to combat this and was back on track :grinning:

Goals I completed today:

  • Drinking enough water :white_check_mark:
  • Practice gratefulness :white_check_mark:
  • Revisioning and make an effort to get good at subjects :white_check_mark:
  • Visualizing success :white_check_mark:
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Hours before Day 57

Feeling a little tired :sleeping: but will try to not doze off and get ready for the day :smile::sunrise_over_mountains:

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