2023-04-29T16:37:00Z
Just switched on my phone. Bad news, I relapsed even though my phone was locked up in the wardrobe. Anyways, I am excited about the MMM challenge that’s gonna take place here on the forum in May.
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I lost too bro a while ago. The other method I tried allowed me to go 12 days, 19 hours, 50 minutes. Reason for relapse: slight changes in thoughts, one thing lead to another as a result the patient mind lost the battle against the urge.
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I have mentioned something similar to this before. So here are my observations.
As in past few weeks I was stuck in chaser effect, one way or another I was just resetting my streak in the app. So this time I took a different approach, like writing down the date and time of my fresh start from 0.
From my experience as well as observing others like xevo, mayoRP and few more people who are doing well. I have few points
Firstly I believe somewhere the counting days are still causing people to relapse more often then PMO itselt. I mean literally after staying away from forum and the app itself made me realise that I am not addicted but it has something more to do with my thoughts, it’s not like urges wont come or something but if you can control your thoughts and divert them to other direction, you will survive.
Secondly Xevo even mentioned earlier that when you see your companions relapsing, then there is a high chance you will fall too at some level. I second that too. Idea is to not remind yourself that it has been days without PMO. By daily checking forum and the different post one way or another we are awakening our triggers unknowingly.
Lastly, It is mostly about our thoughts, whatever we are thinking are the biggest reason of our relapses. I relapsed because I lost control over my mind, thoughts are a part of life, we need to feed the right thoughts or maybe fill it with some new information which gives you motivation or inspiration to push yourself everyday. Like it is said motivation is when you need external energy to do some work, whilst inspiration is when you’re unstoppable, where you don’t even feel like taking a break or something.
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@LL667788 Bro, I don’t just agree with everything you said but I also fully understand it. I had everything under control this time. But my brain used a whole different thing to talk me into relapsing. It’s something I have refrained from sharing here (or anywhere for that matter) and it’s a source of much of the distress in my life that I’m dealing with alone. I know this sounds silly and childish and doesn’t make much sense. I will share about that thing in a future post and you’ll understand what I mean.
Anyways, I have learned from this experience. This was the last thing PMO could’ve used against me. It can’t fool me anymore.
“Imagine shooting a man, with your last bullet. And he stands there, UNFAZED!” - Emory Andrew Tate III
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Glad to hear you have things under control now bro. It’s completely fine to not agree with all the points I mentioned those were just my observations so far.
I completely respect that, as long as you are comfortable sharing things go on. No pressure, but as always make sure you don’t allow it to knock you down, especially when you are facing it alone. 
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Bro, I meant I agreed with everything you said 
I think you missed the “just” in my sentence. 
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Yeah, I misread it. 
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Well, we can disagree to agree. The sky is big enough for two birds to fly without hitting each other.
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2023-05-15T14:03:00Z
I’ve hit rock bottom. I want to say I’ll work my way back up but I don’t even trust myself. I’m tired of making empty promises. I’ll remain quiet untill I have something to show for my efforts.
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I can feel this, I have made many promises to myself in last three years about changing myself but I keep failing. Haven’t got completely free from po*n even.
It’s sad to see we can’t keep up with our commitments even when we have so much opportunities in life.
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Man, I can relate bro.
That’s why I also don’t talk much about my journey. Keeping silence untill I make it.
Fake it till you make it
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2023-05-17T17:59:00Z
Ok, I’ve decided to journal daily. I’ll keep it short and simple on most days so I don’t quit after a while.
I’ll be driving out of town tomorrow so I need to go to sleep right now. However, I doubt I’ll fall asleep anytime soon seeing I’ve been sleeping at 4am in the morning for the last few days. Hopefully tomorrow’s trip will fix my circadian rhythm.
Summer afternoons are way too hot 
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2023-05-18T16:37:00Z
Way too much driving in the heat today. I’m tired and have a mild headache. I have nothing interesting to add here today. Good night.
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2023-05-19T18:16:00Z
I effectively woke up at 2pm today. I was hoping that yesterday’s trip will fix my circadian rhythm. However, despite being tired and having a headache last night, I started watching the “whatever” podcast and kept on watching it until 3am this morning.
I hardly had any time for myself today because soon after lunch I went to one of my cousin’s place. He’s getting married tomorrow and I had to attend the pre marriage rituals. It’s obvious that I’m gonna be occupied for the next few days. Nevertheless, I’ll make time for working on myself, even if it’s for 5 minutes.
Good night.
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Good progress bro. I feel it’s good you have super busy days. Being occupied just keeps you away from all those urges.
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2023-05-21T18:25:00Z
Sorry I couldn’t update on 20th of May. Not my fault, I was in a village attending my cousin’s wedding. Had no network on my cellphone and no other way to access the internet. Sleeping under the stars was a delight though (even though I could only manage to lay down for an hour).
We left the village early morning today, bringing the bride to her new home in the city. It was the first time I saw Vidai for real. Untill now I had only seen it in the movies This was also the first time I was part of a Baraat as an adult. I have been in a Baraat before as a kid but hardly remember anything.
Anyways, the whole experience was enlightening. I say so because it revealed a few weaknesses in my character on the social front that I need to work on. I was the kind of guy who avoided social gatherings… not anymore…
Also, I drove my Jijaji’s new SUV because he was too drunk to drive. That was the highlight of my day. It felt great to be useful . The bride and groom were in the car behind us.
We reached my cousin’s place by 9am and after being there for a few rituals of welcoming the bride, I headed home. Slept untill 7pm.
Have to attend the reception ceremony tomorrow and this whole cousin’s wedding episode will finally conclude.
Good night.
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2023-05-22T16:56:00Z
Those of you who’ve been reading my daily journal entries know I was attending a reception ceremony today. Here are some little victories from today
- I was introduced to gentlemen from bride’s side of the family and was able to hold a decent conversation with them. Even garnered a few laughs with some spontaneous jokes. It’s a win in my book because usually, in such situations, I would’ve just kept quiet and waited to be asked questions.
- All of my married cousin’s kids flock to me. I have managed to be somewhat friendly and not get annoyed by their stupid questions . I guess kids can sense positivity.
Helped with some errands too. I must have made nearly five complete round trips shuttling people between my newly married cousin’s home and the venue for the reception ceremony.
Anyways, enough of this.
I’m quite tired right now but I won’t go to sleep. There will be something everyday and I can’t afford to use those events as an excuse to not study. I’m going to study for an hour right now and see if I can go another hour after that. The idea is to push through pain and get used to that feeling. Because that’s what I need to achieve my goals since time is not on my side right now.
Good night.
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That is the greatest freedom a human being can achieve. Not just physical pain, but all the kinds of mental and emotional stress too. Getting above this suffering is the greatest type of freedom one can have in life.
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