Hey @neo_150
It’s a lot you are throwing out there but know we all understand it because we all have experienced the aftermath of a relapse. It’s the feeling of betrayal and defeat.
What if you remembered? What if you were aware?
I’ve written about that just recently:
You know PMO is garbage and you know that MOing won’t do you any good either. Internalize that daily, really think about it. Write about it. Make it part of your character by building a habit around that. Don’t go back to the willpower method. You don’t need any willpower to stop hitting your head against the wall.