[24 M] Self Musings

Namaste, everyone. It’s been a while since i have known about nofap, but i hardly took it seriously. In the last quater of 2021, i thought of giving it a shot. I had highest streak of 14 days, but after failing multiple times i sort of decided to quit, but i still kept on trying unconsciously. This year in January i had a streak of 18 days (off app, i am guessing), but i relapsed even without urges because i thought there was some problem with me only to discover i was healthy and panicking in vain, and after that i went on for 15 to 17 days more to be without relapsing. After that i had several unconscious streaks of a week or two maybe.
But this diary is not just about my progress in breaking free from this habit but also to be accountable for my other habits, that i otherwise seem unable to track. I have a personal journal but i do not update it regularly, but i am creating this diary to be regular and, as title suggest, “relentless” even if I fall several times.
I am really thankful to the community members who support each other through all thick and thin and motivate each other even when, they themselves seem to be caught up with their schedule, i really hope i won’t let down myself or this beautiful community of brothers and sisters.
Thank you for reading. I will be udating soon on my progress.
Sharing code - bs4i18

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All the very best मित्र

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19.04.2024
Wake Up 5am :x: (woke up at 6:15 slept again and woke up at 7:30)
Exercise :x:
Study 8 hrs :white_check_mark: (a lil more than 8.5 hrs)
Meditation :white_check_mark: (1hr)
Bhagwat Sadhna :white_check_mark:(almost 1 hr)
Digital Declutter (i.e. scheduled or no use of tg, wp, yt): :white_check_mark: (no use of any of these 3 apps)
Time wasted : 2 to 3 hours (fiddling with phone, roaming without reason)


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Dhanyawad Mitra. :handshake: :anatomical_heart:

Bro i remember you were in my challenge :joy: welcome back brooo

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If you didn’t complete the task don’t make a negative cross :x: mark. It leaves a bad impact

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I do not remember the challenge but i do remember cheering each other up😂

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Should i leave it as it is?

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Yes. Write the task but don’t use :x: this.

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  • Wake up (5am) :negative_squared_cross_mark: (woke up at 6am)

  • Exercise : :negative_squared_cross_mark:

  • Meditation: :white_check_mark: 1hr

  • Study (8hr atleast): :left_right_arrow: 45mins

  • Bhagwat Paatth :white_check_mark: 1.5hr

  • Digital Declutter (no or scheduled use of wp, tg, yt) : :left_right_arrow:
    Description : scheduled use of wp which was good, but used RW excessively

  • Time Wasted: 8hr
    Description :

    • nap (by mistake it was longer than it was intended to be)

Urge Track : one at the time of waking up i.e. at 6am.
Digital urges : gave in to the urge of using mobile after 12pm where i used RW mindlessly sitting at a shop while waiting for something

Remarks:
I feel like i have to make schedule, i thought today i will be able to give myself fully even without the time table but that did not turn out to be true. I did not waste any time until 13:30 although i did household chores but still atleast i was fully utilizing myself, after that i became complacent.
Yesterday donated a tree successfully though the forest app for earth day. And Ekadashi Vrata (fast) also helped me to be light, clean and mindful.

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21.04.2024
Wake Up 5am :x: (woke up at 6:00am)
Exercise :x:
Study 8 hrs ::negative_squared_cross_mark:
Meditation :white_check_mark: (1hr)
Bhagwat Saadhna: today’s part was also done yesterday :white_check_mark:
Digital Declutter (i.e. scheduled or no use of tg, wp, yt): :white_check_mark: (use wp to call a friend abroad)
Time wasted : 2 hours (fiddling with phone, roaming without reason)

Urge track

  • again while waking up aroumd 6am just a s**ual memory came for some seconds.
  • Then around 10am i was feeling agitated continuously for a while maybe beacause i was sitting for a long duration, but did not notice it much

Remarks : travelled whole day from 8am to 7pm. Had a lil bit of urges because of excessive sitting maybe. I wasn’t able to study but still managed to meditate even after being tired. Digital declutter was okay but still used RW excessively amd since i was travelling i listened songs after quite a while. I actually stopped listeninh songs because earlier i used to do it excessively. Realized exercise is important for me as i mostly have a sedentary lifestyle, gotta start again it maybe painful in the beginning but after a week u know it will be more fun then pain.

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Forest app is panting a real tree on ur behalf this earth day. We just need to focus for 422 minutes and you will get some in app rewards as well a real tree will be planted from ur side.
It would be of great help to u and to the people of Africa and to the atmosphere in general, afterall we breathe the same air. Please go aheas and download the app and help the planet to be greener and cleaner.

22.04.2024

Woke up at 6am. But i was feeling a lil low on energy and my calves were weak a lil. It happens when i stay away from exercising my body and sit or stand a lot. Since i have flat feet i need to be regular in exercising the feet. Today i did not do anything productive, slept a lot though. Meditated too. Spent time with family mostly. And talked with a friend abroad through whatsapp messages but it was not scheduled so i would count it as violation in digital declutter. Used RW too excessively read a lot of success stories, failure stories, success to failure stories, failure to success to failure stories amd realized how strong the people are who are opening up here and at the same time fighting their demons. Lucky i am to witness this intergenerational revolution yet we supporting each other regardless of all the differences in ethinicities, geographies and religions. Watched a documentary “the social dillemma” for the 2nd or 3rd time i guess but i got to know a lot of new things and i understood the crux just today.

Urge track - had no urges but talked about ×ex with friends a lil

Life update - just entered the 8th day of this journey

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Stay away from those friends who talks about this shit. Surround yourself with good people who talk about success, good habits, Bhagwan ji Katha, etc. I’ve also left that friend circle which used to talk shit. Now I rarely have 2-3 best friends who are really supportive. They talk about my career, family etc.

It may be possible that they get angry or they will criticize you because you left them but when you’ll succeed in your life they will follow you.

I’ve seen my best friends indulging in bad habits after I left them. Now I say thank God I am not with them otherwise I would have also started to indulge in these bad activities.

( Even I get PMO addicted because of some “faltu” friends )

So please be aware of toxic people.
Our best friend is our parents, bhai , bahan and Shri bhagwan :pray:

Ishant bhaiya hum bhi apke chhote Bhai hi h :pray::heart:

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True bhai…but wo mera close friend hai…wo $ex k baare mein baat kr rha tha in terms of he had some $exual problem…to mujhe bhi indulge hona pada…i mean i got no urges but still mention kar dia that i talked to him about it a lil
But thanks for this message i was thinking to eliminate some people from my immediate frnd circle and this advice also cofirmed it now💝

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Ji bhaiya. :pray: Or Aaj ka din kaisa Raha ab tak

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15.05.2024
I relapsed on 25th April. The urges were manageable, but i gave in. After that for almost 10-12 days i relapsed every other day. The methods were phone s**, s** chats mainly, i watched p*** too . I stopped studying, stopped praying but meditated almost daily except maybe 2 days. My screen time shot up and i stopped updating here partially because of shame and partially because i was lazy. I again made a streak of 8 days but day before yesterday, someone sent me their n**s, although urges were not much, i still waited for their vdo to get downloaded and i stared at the photos too. I told them we will not be able to meet and they told me to f*q off, and i wanted the same too but i still acted as if i wanted them, partially because i did not want to offend them and a lil part of me wanted to preserve their contact for later, but i finally deleted them from my life and i felt light and happy. After that i streamed a lil in search of another partner but eventually gave up and urges were also not there, i was on day 8 that day. And then i took a nap in the afternoon and i had some not so good thoughts but i cought hold of them and woke up but slept again for maybe 10 more mins and i had a wet dream, i checked, it was not too much but i still wanted to consider it as a relapse, and i pressed the reset button. So now i am on my day 2.
I have seen a pattern in me that for 10-15 days i stay completely sober, satvic, pure, pious and then i become a total mess for another 10 days. And these previous 10 days i deliberately engaged in all these activities, i do not know why but i just wanted to experience it again, but this time although i was a mess there was an underlying sense of balance, as if a core that was untouched, to which i came back after those 10 days.
If i tell honestly i enjoy living in balanced, organized and in that giving state way more than in that state of mess where i have no sense of eating, sleeping but constantly just being a beast that even my normal self would deny to recognize. But yes both are me, there is no doubt about that, and unless i accept it i may not be able to tame my lower self. It needs rebuke sometimes, sometimes it requires love, sometimes wisdom and sometimes it is required to not give it any attention in order to tell it that not every thought is worth pondering upon.
For these 8 sober days i wasted a lot of time, did not study, did not make time table, even missed meditation and prayers, every time i relapsed i made a journal about what went wrong and what desires did i fulfil (altough there are none, but some may pop up with a relapse), so that i do not make same mistake again. And i will not make the same mistakes.
One more thing i realised was that we may realise certain things in our head but unless we practice them we will not be able to enjoy them nor will we be able to live upto our own expectations fully.

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Sorry to hear you relapsed bhaiya.
But don’t worry. Now practice more and more. Think about the I’ll effects of PMO and benifits of nofap. It’ll motivate you throughout the journey.

I always tell everybody
Add " Naam Jap " in your daily routine
Shri Bhagwan will definitely help you. I wish you all the best.
Rise again Bhaiya :triangular_flag_on_post::muscle: Jai Shree Ram :pray:

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True. I also noticed that whenever i do Bhagwat Path it is always in my brain that i should be a brahmachari, and i eventually ward off the PMO. 2 days ago i forgot when someone messaged me with their n****…idk how i forgot that prayerful people dont get involved in such things, from next time i will be more mindful and i have deleted and distanced myself from such things already.

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19.05.2024
Day 05
I read a book called “Digital Minimalism” quite a while ago, ngl it’s a good book. Before that i watched a documentary called “the social dillema”. Although i did radical changes in my usage of internet in order for me to stay away from one more addiction after reading the book and watching the documentary. But lately i have not been following the changes, although my search histories, recommendations and notifications were off i would still deliberately search things on youtube and spend a lot of time there. I quit facebook in 2018, i was never on instagram until recently and i was sort of addicted to whatsapp in 2016-17. But youtube, YT has been there since i got the smartphone (2016). Although i was not much addicted to YT until 2017 but since i entered into college i remember using no social media but just being hooked to YT as soon as i get to my room after college. This habit goes on till now. Maybe an year or one and half year ago, i turned off the recommendations also and since then YT became like google to me where when yo open YT, you do not see a feed, rather you search something in order to watch/get something. And i read digital minimalism and followed it for 6 months maybe from july 2022 to jan 2023 but i again fell into the trap because of lack of perspective as to why even the entertainment that you get digitally is harmful and can lead to prolonged hours of internet usage.

Although earlier i watched “the social dillema” a couple of times more but, a few days ago i watched it again and i watched Tristan Harris’s TED talk day before yesterday and i uderstood the most important thing that “technology is not neutral, it is made to be addictive.” They explained it by the example of a voodoo doll, where you cast a spell on the doll and make it do things for you. By the algorithms, by the data they collect, they actually program a model like each of us to get us hooked to their apps or network tools. And to program or model something you need data, more the data more the accuracy. Hence to predict our behaviour they also collect a lot of data, which they take from our feeds and from our locations and a 1000 different things that they include while they make us do to sign up for their tools. They even record the time you spend on a reel, on a video, they record your facial expressions too in some cases where they conclude what type of content generates what type of emotions to you. Bit by bit litle by little they collect a lot of data about you and eventually start influencing your behaviour because remember more the data more accurate the model. Now the feed that you see on your phone, the recommendation that you see under every video, post, an article on a website all are carefully curated to make you click on the next item, so much so that you just become a voodoo doll in their hands. You basically start behaving the way they want you to behave.

Behaviour design lab, Stanford is something which is attended by these ivy league tech nerds where they basically learn about how they can ethically influence your behaviour, and people working in IG, Fcebook, Snapchat attended have been there. So all of this large algorithms, numerous feeds and countless content by countless people trickles down to being curated by not even 100 people sitting in a room and still being able to plant thoughts that they want in millions of minds. It basically seem like black magic where just a bunch of people can influence millions of minds.

How they make money ? Well the advertisers pay them. It is still like that model where you would watch a movie or a soap opera on a channel and in between ads will come which are sponsored by the people who wants you to buy products, similarly on social media through ethical persuasive technology they make you click on the next video and next article so that they can push in an ad from the advertisers who paid them, in order for them to plant the idea of the product in your mind, you may not buy the product and let us suppose on a suggetsed video 100k people clicked and for 10 percent people the product was actually appealing and they bought it and advertisers made the profit and because you clicked on the video content creator also got the money and the social media platform also got the money from the advertiser as well as it got the reach and a part of commission from the content creator but you just consumed the content which most of the time is not even useful for your life. You gave your time and attention in order for them to earn money and this is how the quote “if you do not pay for something probably you are the product” becomes a truth. This is their bussiness model.
Now I actually got to know why some successful people or people writing self help books say “quit social media” and not “moderately use social media”, with so much authority. Even the “like” button, the presence of a comment section, having 5 side buttons and sections mentioning “trending” and having a search feed where you see visual content and not just a search bar with no visual aid is a deliberate move to stimulate your lizard mind and not your reflective mind.
I am going to leave even the last culprit of my attention grabbing scheme YT.
These are some findings and realisations that were in front of me probably for past 3 years and yet its only now i actually realised all these. I explained and mentioned it all here in detail as well as keeping it simple and in as short as i could so that anyone who is struggling with internet urges or urge to click that next video or the mindset where it says “ohh but social media was given to us by nerd gods who wanted us to connect with each other more” can know that these thoughts, these urges are not yours, they have been carefully planted. I mean imagine these reaction channels, vlogs, random video essays, gaming channels, roasting videos, standups, motivational videos, zodiac and astrology content, right, centre and left wing opinions to trigger you,exposure to fake vanities of seemingly dumb people which makes our mind think that we can be rich without having to put efforts, mindless podcasts which promise to make you learn the world in 2 hours yet can be summarized in 10 minutes worth of content…all this and much more, do u think they would have been a part of our lives as much as they are right now if social media wouldn’t have been there.

This post will be helpful in reminding me and maybe others too about why less to no screen time is so important.