My first diary. Been 9 years since I discovered ■■■■. Have been a PMOer since 7 years. Actively trying to quit since 4 years. Many ups and downs along the road so far. Many streaks achieved, many failures, many disappointments, many commitments…
Will be posting here about my progress and strategies to be PMO-free…my thoughts, things I’ve learned from my past failures, how I avoid triggers, how I stop being weak, and most importantly destroying root of PMO. We don’t need ■■■■, we are way past.
> If you lose, you die . If you don’t fight, you can’t win!
My PMO Addiction Story (DO NOT READ! ✝️ It's cringe af)
I was a frank boy during childhood. I was told and taught about masturbation in 2013 (grade 8) by a stupid school friend at my home. At first, I felt like it was a dirty and nonsense thing to do but at times I tried to rub my meat while urinating and one day, I suddenly came and felt the feeling for the first time. Ever since, I tried to masturbate almost everyday. I even used to fap secretly while my parents were asleep by pulling the curtains at night as we all stayed in one room. I’d even waste hours just rubbing my meat without any sexual thought. I even used to fap when mom was sewing in the same room by pulling the curtains on the other side by some arousing things on TV. (Just remembering this now makes me so cringe and angry with myself that I’d kill that kid if I could just meet him now). Later I got a separate room and the habit developed into an addiction overtime as now I could fap anytime I want without worrying about anyone noticing me anywhere on the walls, floors, bedsheets. I used to think that ejecting gave me energy and I wanted feel the pleasure all the time. This was the time where the habit was developing into a strong addiction which would be very hard to quit for my future self. Upto this time, I wasn’t into Corn yet. I first used to fap by imagining about my school friends as if I’m doing stupid things with them. I used to download pics of actresses or random full body women from the web on my phone or PSP to jerk off. I also sometimes watched arousing music videos and watch them to eject fountains. My addiction got worse and worse. I was almost a daily fapper till grade 11 (2016).
Although I wasn’t into Corn, I knew it existed as I found it accidently while playing and browsing my uncle’s phone during childhood. When I was a kid, there was a neighborhood guy who showed me pictures of nude women (I was not even 10 at the time, kinda like abusing me). Ever since childhood, I have some kind of obsession with tight clothes like women’s stockings. I felt like I wanted to wear them and feel them on my skin. I used to check my sister’s school uniform. Later, I used to search similar pictures of girls to fap in class 11 or 12. At this time, I was officially exposed to ■■■■. I mostly fapped using my imagination, arousing figures of girls and sometimes by secretly sending ■■■■ from my elders through bluetooth as there was no internet back then. Initially, I used to feel disgusted by watching ■■■■ but eventually I developed a habit of almost daily masturbation and began feeling it less disgusting and somewhat exciting. I never realized this shit was gonna destroy my goals and my life. Upto class 7, I used to be so much enthusiastic to learn new things and I was less shy, wierd and more friendly. After beginning this habit, I started becoming more and more introverted and shy-type guy who would act wierd around girls as if I was having some problem with her. I even thought of cuddling with one of my cousin sister. (How shameful this is just to remember!). At class 11, I got my first smartphone, after which I began drowning into a new world of pleasure, Corn. I began fapping multiple times a day as I realized it was easier to jerk off if I watch those shit. I used to drain all my energy and feel tired and dead-body all the time. I still hadn’t realized how bad this habit truly is that I even tried to expose my small brother with Corn who was only about 10 at the time, forcing him to watch shit with me. (I feel really sorry for him). I turned from almost a topper student to below average during class 12.
I joined my bachelor’s (EE) program in 2017, where I stayed away from home in a hostel. Somewhere around 2018, I discovered about Nofap for the first time. I learned about the benefits and streaks stuff after which I began trying it. I just realized how hard it really is to quit this like a deep muddy pool. I would reach a week max. before failing. I immediately noticed some changes in my brain performance as I stayed away from that shit. However, years of addiction has changed me into a more anxious-typa guy whose brain is all-time messy and can’t think straight like most students. First year was kinda impacted by PMO as I failed some subjects. My thoughts were aligned towards sexualizing every girl I see even though I looked kind and positive. I once had erection even in class when a girl in my class noticed it so, I quickly rushed to the college bathroom.
I tried more and could reach about 17-day marks in 2020. Till this day, I feel depressed and suicidal when I fail as this PMO shit has hampered me in so many areas. My grades were below average in bachelors. At this point, I wish I could erase my pathetic past 8 years as PMO addict. I have been promising myself that “I’ll quit this from today” and keep failing to this day. I always find a stupid reason to search for triggers and bust a nut in the end. I still can’t get over this. Idk where I always have gone wrong and always fail at last. However, I don’t wanna fucking give up. I have no choice but to try again.
During lockdown in 2021, I decided to strictly go into nofap mode where I managed to reach a 124-day streak (my all time high). Upto this time, I haven’t read easypeasy yet. Later, I failed a lot after this streak. Later in 2022, I started to listen to addiction recovery podcasts and YT videos including Hamza, IcecoldJT, and some other motivationals. I later read EasyPeasy and reached 60 days in 2022 and after failing that I dropped the number to 32 days in 2023. I recently graduated, however the number kept dropping and at this point, I can hardly cross 17 days now. I get furious with myself for failing and start hating myself. I can’t stop binging these days after failing and 3 days ago I became so sick that my mother had to take care of me as I had high fever and cold. I’m kinda recovering now but 2 hours ago, I relapsed again today.
I seriously think all men should do nofap. The energy we have in our body when we don’t waste semen is unreal. At this point, I have reached the point where I must quit this habit once and for all as I have always promised before. I have to find a proper job soon and marry in some years. I don’t wanna be identified by my kids as if my dad is a Corn Addict. I gotta be a real man now. That being said, I’m gonna kickstart my forever no-PMO journey by participating in this NNN war. I will make the future-me proud for never going back to it.
I feel relived today by sharing my story here today rather than keeping it inside my heart any longer. I couldn’t find a better place to put it somewhere in the internet than this amazing RC site so if anybody has really read it, I’d like to thank you and wish you a good luck to quit this addiction forever. Let’s change our lives!