[21M] xelcu's journey

Really didn’t want to post today, but I decided I wanted to keep this journal going even more. Nothing to do with PMO, but had a mixup with meds that left me feeling pretty awful.

Not much to say about today, mostly stayed in bed. Funny how urges go away when you’re not feeling well.

Day 1

I missed yesterday’s journal. I feel kind of bad about it, but at the same time, Wednesdays are super long for me. On the plus side, I definitely wasn’t dealing with any urges yesterday–too busy.

As for today, it was mostly uneventful. The days immediately after I orgasm are usually like this; my sex drive has never been too intense. While many might think it’s less of a reason for me to participate in this, for me, it’s even more of a reason.

I, to some extent or another, enjoy the feeling of slight sexual energy. Not being entirely aroused–that can get distracting. But that little spark of energy, that drive to “go get 'em”. And when I orgasm, I spend about an entire week recuperating, where I don’t have that feeling at all.

I also need to talk about exactly what I’m focusing on in this journey. It’s a modified version of PMO. In the strictest sense, it’s essentially just an MO reboot, but it does focus on porn reduction.

Honestly speaking, porn is something I cannot avoid in my life. Not completely. Part of this is because what I consider porn is drastically different from what everyone else probably considers porn. I’ve always preferred so-called “soft-core” porn, but even more than that, I enjoy even non-sexual but attractive things in the same vein. The typical porn videos have never interested me.

I also feel like I need to mention: I’m gay. This affects how much I’m able to avoid porn because, quite frankly, being gay I prefer to surround myself with other queer people, and the attitude of sex, porn, etc. is drastically different in queer culture, especially the groups I’m a part of.

To put it bluntly, porn comes up–and is shared–as naturally as the weather or opinions on movies.

I could, in theory, completely change the people I surround myself with and avoid all images that might be pornographic in nature, but I don’t want to. I am doing this for a variety of reasons, but I thoroughly enjoy the people I surround myself with. I am genuinely happy with them.

Of course, I can avoid the porn in those contexts. The other issue is how “porn” stuff might intertwine with my creative side. This is much more abstract, but essentially, those non-sexual images that I’m able to enjoy as porn also serve as creative inspiration for me. This primarily exists in the form of (drawn) art, but it can also appear in photos.

The reduction in that comes from the fact that I want to reduce how much I rely on these images. At the moment, I find I struggle to generate my own ideas, which is not good. I want to practice only letting those images serve as “kindling” for my creativity: I might use ideas from them, yes, but I’ll expand on it, not just use and re-hash.

I hope some of that made sense.

Day 3

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I missed yesterday again. I need to set a reminder for these. It really bothers me when I miss a journal entry (would be more okay if it was planned, e.g. travelling, vacation, etc.).

Anyway, there is not that much to report. It’s reaching the point where I’m beginning to feel some more urges again, but they’re all still in the vague and blurry phase. Nothing so intense that I want to act on them.

I also want to figure out a better way to quantify my porn situation. Some way to measurably limit it, rather than just “will try to reduce”, which is the most BS thing ever. I figure there’s only one real option, which is

I clearly state what my intentions are, and I will use them only for said intentions. Any usage as pornographic material is strictly prohibited.

This is definitely the hardest option, but it fits in line with the theme of what I’m trying to do. It also gives me the most flexibility, allowing me to use any reference I want so long as it’s for a clearly defined purpose. To achieve this, I’d probably have to lock files so I have to put effort into viewing them. I also need to define what a good reason is.

(Alternatively, I could just learn some self-control. Which is the more “ideal” scenario, but.)

Tomorrow and Monday, however, will be filled with studying, homework, and more studying.

Day 5

Oh, also. Reminder for myself to get a physical journal to jot down smaller thoughts. I like this for an overall review, but something to have on hand throughout the day would be nice, too.

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Today’s entry will be short. Feeling urges again, but I definitely can make it to Day 7. I want to aim for 10 days now. I think 14 days still might be too far, but I also think I can get there if I go incrementally.

Also, I’m not feeling well (in case you were wondering why I’m less coherent than usual).

Day 6

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Incredibly short update because I am now properly sick. No relapses, not that I have the energy to even attempt that. Just lying in bed and drinking lots of water.

Day 7

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Missed yesterday’s journal, but I actually don’t feel too bad about it–I was properly sick. Stayed in bed the whole day. It was supposed to help me make it to my early morning lab today, but alas, I missed that too.

Thankfully, I’m through the worst of it. Needless to say, not much happened. I just rested the whole day. And most of today, too. Tomorrow, I have a nearly free day, so I’m going to spend that catching up on what I missed.

Just before this, however, I felt some pretty strong urges in the shower. That’s one of the places I usually masturbate (easiest to clean up). And I was pretty damn tempted. I decided to meditate because ultimately, I need a stronger motivation than curiosity.

I don’t know how to word this exactly, but I realized I was basically sabotaging my motivation for self-improvement with my current time between orgasms. If I spend 5-6 days after an orgasm “recovering” that sexual energy/motivation (see above posts), and I tend to masturbate once every 6-7 days, well. It’s not hard to see that I’m basically denying myself an important source of motivation and energy.

I didn’t quite manage to convince myself in that short meditation that long, sustained periods of abstinence from orgasm would benefit me, but I did manage to convince myself that I should aim, at the very least, to orgasm only once every two weeks. And I now genuinely believe that. So, improvement, I guess! Still more to do, but just gotta focus on one thing at a time.

Day 9

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Not much to report. I’m feeling better, which is good! But also, didn’t have too many urges today, if any. Didn’t get as much work done as I was hoping, but I suppose that’s more a fault of setting my expectations too high. I’m personally interested to see what the weekend holds and how I handle that.

Day 10

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Another day passes without incident.

I sort of feel myself slipping into a depressive episode. I’m going to try to wake up a bit earlier and get back into my routine. Getting sick messed it all up, and now I’m suffering for it.

Urges were… weird today. Simultaneously stronger and weaker. Probably a weird combination of depression and increased time. Overall, not too much interesting happened.

Day 11

I gotta admit, this one was harder to write than usual. It’s almost certainly the depression, but just. I’m glad I managed to write something.

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I had a mildly productive day today. I didn’t get quite as much done as I wanted to–though, actually. That might not be fair to myself. While I don’t have as much “finished” stuff as I wanted, I did spend a lot of the time dedicated to studying on learning skills necessary for one of my classes. So, I suppose I should feel good about that.

Less urges today, but again, been fighting depression so I can’t really say what the cause is. Tomorrow has to be a big day for me, lots of things to do. All I can do now is try to get to bed early and make the most of the day.

Day 12

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Claim your soul back and the depression will be vanished like dust from a vacuum cleaner.
The depression is your karma from your frivolic past. Cause good deeds and your sexual energy will nourish you back into paradise. It’s like getting a boner in the heart… Or head. There are seven cakras, not just svadhistana.

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While I’m not here for spirituality, I do appreciate the sentiment and the advice within. Perhaps the key is to not focus exclusively on the sexual aspects of this challenge and the day-to-day. How can I improve myself as a person? How can I improve the lives of others? And from that happiness, I can find more genuine joy in the sexual acts I choose, instead of being a slave to my sexual desires.

I must admit, you have me interested in learning more, even though I’m very much not a spiritual person.

As for today, it was decent. I was decently productive, enough so to feel proud of myself, and got up at a reasonable time. Even less happened sexually today, so I’m beginning to suspect I am entering that area of low libido commonly reported.

For tomorrow, I’m incredibly busy, so there’s a chance I won’t end up writing a journal entry. I probably will, but it might just end up being short.

For the future, I want to focus on two additional things:

  1. Making improvements to my life outside of this PMO challenge. Small, daily things–waking up early, going to bed early, eating a bit healthier. I’ll probably develop something more concrete as it continues, but even something as small as “I drank no soda.” And I will, of course, share these here.
  2. Helping improve others’ lives–even just one thing at a time. The best way to describe me is that I very much keep to myself. Which, in and of itself, isn’t bad–but it isn’t good, either. This is going to be very small things–saying nice things, helping someone picked up some books they dropped, etc. Random acts of kindness.

Day 13

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So, this is a bit earlier than I usually post–I try to get it in during the evening to ensure I have the full “day”, so to speak. But, today’s been busy, and I just… feel like doing it now. (It is strange how doing things tires me out in some ways, but also motivates me in others.)

I’m gonna be trying out a new way of structuring my posts because of the added goals focusing on myself and helping others.


Sexual
I’ve reached my goal of 14 days! Which leaves me, honestly, uncertain where to go from here. I need to keep it small–an overly large goal leads to failure in my cases. I suppose the natural thing to do is 21 days. But I also really want to try for 30 days. A whole month.

While my gut tells me to go for 30 and go all out, I think I should go for 21. I mean, if I make it, then I can totally just go for 30 after that. It’s not like 30 days is any less impressive because I focused on just one week at a time.

So, here’s to another week.

Personal
So, last night and this morning I meditated. I particularly am proud of this morning. I just saw an opportunity and I took it. And I gotta say, it really helped make this day better. Sometime during the day, not exactly sure when, I started to feel a bit of anxiety, and I just recalled the meditation techniques and used them to calm myself down. The meditation also helped just paint my whole day in a positive light; at the end of it, I felt proud of what I did rather than exhausted and tired. It’s really quite a nice feeling, and I want to start doing this regularly if I can.

I did have a bit of trouble waking up as early as I wanted. I’m not exactly sure why, but I feel like I need to do something about it. I consistently feel a strong need to take a nap between 7:30AM and 9:00AM. Maybe I should try going for a walk around that time. Meditation during that time would be counter-productive, I feel.

Helping Others
Not much to report on this front, unfortunately. That said, I’m not too upset with this, either. Today was very much a “me” day with how busy I was, and I feel like I should be proud of what I did to benefit myself. Tomorrow I have much less to do, so I’ll put more effort into helping others.

That said, I don’t really even know what I can do to help others. I suppose a big part of that is just my awkwardness and shyness; I don’t want to offer help because I’m afraid of… random embarrassment, I suppose. It doesn’t make sense logically, but it’s something that’s affected me all my life.


In the future, each section almost certainly will be shorter, but new format, new stuff happening–lots to write about! I still want to add the day counter at the bottom because all of this was spurred by that one thing. I feel like I want to edit the format a bit because the “personal” and “helping others” sections aren’t as focused on streaks–they’re something I should count the days I did do it. I’ll need to think on that.

Day 14

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Okay. Lame response today because it was way more filled with stuff than I realized.

Pretty much no urges/etc! But, honestly? Probably more a result of how busy I was. I also wonder if the decrease in libido is stress based.

Didn’t do too much for myself or others, unfortunately. I did introduce myself to a maintenance guy who works on the apartment complex I live in, which is… something? It’s something. And I just need to build on it and keep going, not second-guessing and doubting myself.

Day 15

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Unfortunately, today was also mostly a blur of being busy; Wednesdays are my long days, and today was extra long. But, again, kept the steak going! I also felt generally in a good mood, and I’ve noticed that the more I’m doing, the better my mood is. I definitely feel “fatigue” and I can see how it can easily lead to being overworked, but i also see the importance of keeping active.

Unfortunately, I didn’t meditate today–in part due to a 7:30am lab, but still, I want to focus on doing that as much as possible. For now, I’m rewarding myself with a nice shower and a good night’s sleep.

Day 16

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The word spirituality is very negatively associated nowadays, I would call it metaphysics as I’ve also grown up as a science orientated atheist. First time my miniscule world view got busted was at 17, when I discovered psychedelics.
Anyway you have a great approach, give it some months and maybe try finding some groups in your region that deal with yoga or meditation. I have visited dozens before, some more interesting than others but every time to learn something new and get a feel for what is pseudoesoteric BS and quakery and what is actually an abstract of divine guidance. Everything resolves as how one is open towards higher realities and the overcoming of animal instincts is the safest way to get introduced into expanded perceptions. It will come to you, I feel your intellect has the dominating control at the moment, but as long as it’s vigilant it will lead you.
Day 16 is a hot time, your instincts are lurking in the background and are waiting for a weak moment…also the entire system is now getting into the reboot. You can achieve a great kickstart in 2020 if you keep going, don’t make the mistake that I did at 21 and somehow “forget” about this NoFap thing…^^
Stay strong, Peace

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I appreciate the reply! Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to respond to all of it right now, but I did read it, and I will give my thoughts on it tomorrow.

Today wasn’t too interesting. I attended to more home chores than schoolwork, but it was still stuff I had to do. Urges and similar are very non-existent, which… I think is a good thing? It’s hard to say. I’m definitely keeping this up and going strong, though.

Day 17

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Another day! This will be another short reply. Promise to be better tomorrow. Just the whole week is catching up to me and I’m feeling exhausted–physically and emotionally. Had some nice relaxing time, but now I need sleep. Good quality sleep.

Day 18

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Okay. Reply time.

Today was surprisingly filled with urges. In part, I believe this is because I basically did nothing today–not even the slightest bit of productivity. While usually I would feel bad about this, I also feel having some time “off” is also okay and healthy. Basically, because I’ve been working so hard, I’m feeling better about letting myself relax.

And, unfortunately, because I didn’t really do anything today, I didn’t have a chance to work on my other two goals.

As for what Svami-MahaGanja wrote: Over these weeks, I’ve become very interested in spirituality. I can’t really explain these feelings that I’m having, but I know I want to explore them. Meditation gives me this sense of connectivity and purpose that nothing else ever has. And during meditation, I feel like there’s this… something, beyond what I can reach. The closest I get is when I don’t think of it at all, and if I notice it, I lose focus and it fades away.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. But I really want to pursue that feeling. Daily meditation should help, but I find it works best when I’m more isolated. A sort of “bootleg” isolation I’ve discovered is having the shower running, and the noise blocks out most of the city noises around me. I want to explore what it feels like meditating in more natural places, though–where the sound and smell and atmosphere of nature is surrounding me.

At any rate, another day has passed. The weekend will soon be over, and this is the short time I have when I can focus more on my self-exploration. During the week, I have midterms to prepare for.

Day 19

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Well…what can one say. This is your intuition you’re connecting to.
Intuition is mainly associated with some kind of gut-feeling or estimation in our modern language, but in truth it is our higher self which “thinks” in higher abstracts and concepts than our analytical intellect, in which most of modern society is “trapped”. So it also can not be explained with words, it can only be discovered and experienced :wink:
I wish you a mind-blowing journey!

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Thank you!

Today was filled with a lot more urges. Honestly, I came close to relapsing. But, fortunately, I didn’t. My parents also drove up to my school and we went out for dinner, so that was nice. As for what I did myself, I spent a lot of today studying, but I also managed to find time to clean up my room! I definitely needed to do that, so I feel pretty good about that.

I saw one of my lab partners in the library and chatted with him for a few minutes. I’m pretty shy, so it was a nice chance to talk to someone. I need to find more ways to get out… But, ugh, I’m so busy, and socializing is honestly hard for me. It takes a lot more energy than I think it does for most people.

At any rate, tomorrow is exam day for chemistry, and then next Monday is physics exam, and the Monday after that is math. Midterms are so fun.

Day 20

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