I missed yesterday’s journal. I feel kind of bad about it, but at the same time, Wednesdays are super long for me. On the plus side, I definitely wasn’t dealing with any urges yesterday–too busy.
As for today, it was mostly uneventful. The days immediately after I orgasm are usually like this; my sex drive has never been too intense. While many might think it’s less of a reason for me to participate in this, for me, it’s even more of a reason.
I, to some extent or another, enjoy the feeling of slight sexual energy. Not being entirely aroused–that can get distracting. But that little spark of energy, that drive to “go get 'em”. And when I orgasm, I spend about an entire week recuperating, where I don’t have that feeling at all.
I also need to talk about exactly what I’m focusing on in this journey. It’s a modified version of PMO. In the strictest sense, it’s essentially just an MO reboot, but it does focus on porn reduction.
Honestly speaking, porn is something I cannot avoid in my life. Not completely. Part of this is because what I consider porn is drastically different from what everyone else probably considers porn. I’ve always preferred so-called “soft-core” porn, but even more than that, I enjoy even non-sexual but attractive things in the same vein. The typical porn videos have never interested me.
I also feel like I need to mention: I’m gay. This affects how much I’m able to avoid porn because, quite frankly, being gay I prefer to surround myself with other queer people, and the attitude of sex, porn, etc. is drastically different in queer culture, especially the groups I’m a part of.
To put it bluntly, porn comes up–and is shared–as naturally as the weather or opinions on movies.
I could, in theory, completely change the people I surround myself with and avoid all images that might be pornographic in nature, but I don’t want to. I am doing this for a variety of reasons, but I thoroughly enjoy the people I surround myself with. I am genuinely happy with them.
Of course, I can avoid the porn in those contexts. The other issue is how “porn” stuff might intertwine with my creative side. This is much more abstract, but essentially, those non-sexual images that I’m able to enjoy as porn also serve as creative inspiration for me. This primarily exists in the form of (drawn) art, but it can also appear in photos.
The reduction in that comes from the fact that I want to reduce how much I rely on these images. At the moment, I find I struggle to generate my own ideas, which is not good. I want to practice only letting those images serve as “kindling” for my creativity: I might use ideas from them, yes, but I’ll expand on it, not just use and re-hash.
I hope some of that made sense.