[21M] xelcu's journey

I had a mildly productive day today. I didn’t get quite as much done as I wanted to–though, actually. That might not be fair to myself. While I don’t have as much “finished” stuff as I wanted, I did spend a lot of the time dedicated to studying on learning skills necessary for one of my classes. So, I suppose I should feel good about that.

Less urges today, but again, been fighting depression so I can’t really say what the cause is. Tomorrow has to be a big day for me, lots of things to do. All I can do now is try to get to bed early and make the most of the day.

Day 12

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Claim your soul back and the depression will be vanished like dust from a vacuum cleaner.
The depression is your karma from your frivolic past. Cause good deeds and your sexual energy will nourish you back into paradise. It’s like getting a boner in the heart… Or head. There are seven cakras, not just svadhistana.


While I’m not here for spirituality, I do appreciate the sentiment and the advice within. Perhaps the key is to not focus exclusively on the sexual aspects of this challenge and the day-to-day. How can I improve myself as a person? How can I improve the lives of others? And from that happiness, I can find more genuine joy in the sexual acts I choose, instead of being a slave to my sexual desires.

I must admit, you have me interested in learning more, even though I’m very much not a spiritual person.

As for today, it was decent. I was decently productive, enough so to feel proud of myself, and got up at a reasonable time. Even less happened sexually today, so I’m beginning to suspect I am entering that area of low libido commonly reported.

For tomorrow, I’m incredibly busy, so there’s a chance I won’t end up writing a journal entry. I probably will, but it might just end up being short.

For the future, I want to focus on two additional things:

  1. Making improvements to my life outside of this PMO challenge. Small, daily things–waking up early, going to bed early, eating a bit healthier. I’ll probably develop something more concrete as it continues, but even something as small as “I drank no soda.” And I will, of course, share these here.
  2. Helping improve others’ lives–even just one thing at a time. The best way to describe me is that I very much keep to myself. Which, in and of itself, isn’t bad–but it isn’t good, either. This is going to be very small things–saying nice things, helping someone picked up some books they dropped, etc. Random acts of kindness.

Day 13


So, this is a bit earlier than I usually post–I try to get it in during the evening to ensure I have the full “day”, so to speak. But, today’s been busy, and I just… feel like doing it now. (It is strange how doing things tires me out in some ways, but also motivates me in others.)

I’m gonna be trying out a new way of structuring my posts because of the added goals focusing on myself and helping others.

I’ve reached my goal of 14 days! Which leaves me, honestly, uncertain where to go from here. I need to keep it small–an overly large goal leads to failure in my cases. I suppose the natural thing to do is 21 days. But I also really want to try for 30 days. A whole month.

While my gut tells me to go for 30 and go all out, I think I should go for 21. I mean, if I make it, then I can totally just go for 30 after that. It’s not like 30 days is any less impressive because I focused on just one week at a time.

So, here’s to another week.

So, last night and this morning I meditated. I particularly am proud of this morning. I just saw an opportunity and I took it. And I gotta say, it really helped make this day better. Sometime during the day, not exactly sure when, I started to feel a bit of anxiety, and I just recalled the meditation techniques and used them to calm myself down. The meditation also helped just paint my whole day in a positive light; at the end of it, I felt proud of what I did rather than exhausted and tired. It’s really quite a nice feeling, and I want to start doing this regularly if I can.

I did have a bit of trouble waking up as early as I wanted. I’m not exactly sure why, but I feel like I need to do something about it. I consistently feel a strong need to take a nap between 7:30AM and 9:00AM. Maybe I should try going for a walk around that time. Meditation during that time would be counter-productive, I feel.

Helping Others
Not much to report on this front, unfortunately. That said, I’m not too upset with this, either. Today was very much a “me” day with how busy I was, and I feel like I should be proud of what I did to benefit myself. Tomorrow I have much less to do, so I’ll put more effort into helping others.

That said, I don’t really even know what I can do to help others. I suppose a big part of that is just my awkwardness and shyness; I don’t want to offer help because I’m afraid of… random embarrassment, I suppose. It doesn’t make sense logically, but it’s something that’s affected me all my life.

In the future, each section almost certainly will be shorter, but new format, new stuff happening–lots to write about! I still want to add the day counter at the bottom because all of this was spurred by that one thing. I feel like I want to edit the format a bit because the “personal” and “helping others” sections aren’t as focused on streaks–they’re something I should count the days I did do it. I’ll need to think on that.

Day 14


Okay. Lame response today because it was way more filled with stuff than I realized.

Pretty much no urges/etc! But, honestly? Probably more a result of how busy I was. I also wonder if the decrease in libido is stress based.

Didn’t do too much for myself or others, unfortunately. I did introduce myself to a maintenance guy who works on the apartment complex I live in, which is… something? It’s something. And I just need to build on it and keep going, not second-guessing and doubting myself.

Day 15

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Unfortunately, today was also mostly a blur of being busy; Wednesdays are my long days, and today was extra long. But, again, kept the steak going! I also felt generally in a good mood, and I’ve noticed that the more I’m doing, the better my mood is. I definitely feel “fatigue” and I can see how it can easily lead to being overworked, but i also see the importance of keeping active.

Unfortunately, I didn’t meditate today–in part due to a 7:30am lab, but still, I want to focus on doing that as much as possible. For now, I’m rewarding myself with a nice shower and a good night’s sleep.

Day 16

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The word spirituality is very negatively associated nowadays, I would call it metaphysics as I’ve also grown up as a science orientated atheist. First time my miniscule world view got busted was at 17, when I discovered psychedelics.
Anyway you have a great approach, give it some months and maybe try finding some groups in your region that deal with yoga or meditation. I have visited dozens before, some more interesting than others but every time to learn something new and get a feel for what is pseudoesoteric BS and quakery and what is actually an abstract of divine guidance. Everything resolves as how one is open towards higher realities and the overcoming of animal instincts is the safest way to get introduced into expanded perceptions. It will come to you, I feel your intellect has the dominating control at the moment, but as long as it’s vigilant it will lead you.
Day 16 is a hot time, your instincts are lurking in the background and are waiting for a weak moment…also the entire system is now getting into the reboot. You can achieve a great kickstart in 2020 if you keep going, don’t make the mistake that I did at 21 and somehow “forget” about this NoFap thing…^^
Stay strong, Peace


I appreciate the reply! Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to respond to all of it right now, but I did read it, and I will give my thoughts on it tomorrow.

Today wasn’t too interesting. I attended to more home chores than schoolwork, but it was still stuff I had to do. Urges and similar are very non-existent, which… I think is a good thing? It’s hard to say. I’m definitely keeping this up and going strong, though.

Day 17

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Another day! This will be another short reply. Promise to be better tomorrow. Just the whole week is catching up to me and I’m feeling exhausted–physically and emotionally. Had some nice relaxing time, but now I need sleep. Good quality sleep.

Day 18

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Okay. Reply time.

Today was surprisingly filled with urges. In part, I believe this is because I basically did nothing today–not even the slightest bit of productivity. While usually I would feel bad about this, I also feel having some time “off” is also okay and healthy. Basically, because I’ve been working so hard, I’m feeling better about letting myself relax.

And, unfortunately, because I didn’t really do anything today, I didn’t have a chance to work on my other two goals.

As for what Svami-MahaGanja wrote: Over these weeks, I’ve become very interested in spirituality. I can’t really explain these feelings that I’m having, but I know I want to explore them. Meditation gives me this sense of connectivity and purpose that nothing else ever has. And during meditation, I feel like there’s this… something, beyond what I can reach. The closest I get is when I don’t think of it at all, and if I notice it, I lose focus and it fades away.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. But I really want to pursue that feeling. Daily meditation should help, but I find it works best when I’m more isolated. A sort of “bootleg” isolation I’ve discovered is having the shower running, and the noise blocks out most of the city noises around me. I want to explore what it feels like meditating in more natural places, though–where the sound and smell and atmosphere of nature is surrounding me.

At any rate, another day has passed. The weekend will soon be over, and this is the short time I have when I can focus more on my self-exploration. During the week, I have midterms to prepare for.

Day 19

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Well…what can one say. This is your intuition you’re connecting to.
Intuition is mainly associated with some kind of gut-feeling or estimation in our modern language, but in truth it is our higher self which “thinks” in higher abstracts and concepts than our analytical intellect, in which most of modern society is “trapped”. So it also can not be explained with words, it can only be discovered and experienced :wink:
I wish you a mind-blowing journey!


Thank you!

Today was filled with a lot more urges. Honestly, I came close to relapsing. But, fortunately, I didn’t. My parents also drove up to my school and we went out for dinner, so that was nice. As for what I did myself, I spent a lot of today studying, but I also managed to find time to clean up my room! I definitely needed to do that, so I feel pretty good about that.

I saw one of my lab partners in the library and chatted with him for a few minutes. I’m pretty shy, so it was a nice chance to talk to someone. I need to find more ways to get out… But, ugh, I’m so busy, and socializing is honestly hard for me. It takes a lot more energy than I think it does for most people.

At any rate, tomorrow is exam day for chemistry, and then next Monday is physics exam, and the Monday after that is math. Midterms are so fun.

Day 20


Okay, very short reply today.

Urges are becoming extremely intense again. Not sure why, but it’s definitely distracting. Also getting harder to keep my conviction. But, thankfully, I did not relapse.

Had my exam today. I hate the fact that it’s at 8PM, which is within the period where I’d normally start getting ready for bed. Gonna take me a bit to get back to normal. And then there’s another exam next week.

Ah, well. For now, rest.

Day 21


Go for Day 30 , you got this :facepunch:


Another day. Today, however, has been a bit rockier. Didn’t relapse, but also didn’t have any urges. I spent some time meditating today, and it helped me clarify what goals I want for the short-term: Specifically, I want to first schedule time for studying each day, now that I’m into midterm season, and second I want talk to some campus resources about figuring out diet and exercise stuff. I’m super unhealthy right now, and I want to get healthier.

And I felt really good about that. But then, the latter half of the day, I’ve just been feeling generally depressed and unmotivated. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better; it’s a long day, but I’ll see some people I enjoy and I tend to feel better about myself on those days.

Day 22

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Very short reply today. Got about an hour of sleep and have just been pushing through the day. Some urges again, which is interesting, but no relapse.

Day 23


Today was better, thanks to getting a good night’s sleep! Urges have flared up again, but it wasn’t too bad. I also spent a lot of the day studying physics and math. Super stressed about my physics exam that’s coming up, but I also feel strangely content. Like, while I am worried and stressed, I feel motivated enough to study, to focus on working hard, to improve. It’s a nice feeling.

Yesterday, I looked into stuff about nutrition and exercising and wellness in general that my university offers. I found some great stuff, and I plan to explore them further. I want to get better specifically at making stuff I can eat at home and meal-prepping. I also want to get into exercising, but that’s another can of worms.

I didn’t do much meditating yesterday or today–nothing dedicated, at least. I’ve felt the residual effects and the overall mentality, though, and I do want to keep dedicating a small chunk of time every day to meditating. It’s astonishing how much it helps.

Day 24

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Sorry for not posting yesterday, just was out late and didn’t get a chance.

One of my cats died today.

Didn’t relapse.

Day 26

My condolences… The good thing is, that turning away from illusions such as P, we can experience reality more clearly and the fact that every physical life comes to an end. Life is so precious.

Hi there @xelcu7, how are you doing? It’s great to read about your nofap journey as a gay man. I’m gay too and part of a whatsapp group for LGBT guys who want to remove PMO from their lives. It’s interesting to chat with some people who know what it’s like to be gay and also addicted to PMO. If you want to join the group, here’s the link:


Thank you, I wish you a good day.