Okay, let’s do this.
I want to be clear: I am not the typical person using this app. I probably won’t inspire you to abstain from masturbating. I am exploring this as a sort of curiosity: Can it truly have the effects people claim? Will I actually be more motivated? But at the heart of it all, I don’t necessarily want to completely give up PM like some might. Instead, I just want to understand and experience the benefits of abstaining from PM, and THEN decide.
I also want to state my commitments, in order to have them on “paper” and in the world. First and foremost, my goal is to abstain from PMO for the remainder of my school semester, which ends on Dec 14th, 126 days from now. Second, I aim to journal every day; at the end of each journal, I will post my streak–to communicate, yes, but mainly to reaffirm my commitment.
I hope I can make it the full 126 days; then, I can be confident I have at least experienced the most immediate effects and can begin to decide whether or not I wish to continue this journey.
With that settled, let me start today’s journal. It was a fairly uneventful day, with my commitment and discipline holding strong through the day. Yes, there were “urges”, but they were fleeting and easy to shake off. What I fear is the thing beyond an urge. I don’t know what to call it, but I’m certain everyone here has felt it: The desire that fills your body and grips your mind, that leaves you unable to use logic or reason. I know I can overcome it, but I think the better option is to simply avoid it.
I’ve found those moments come most often when I let fantasies and distractions run wild. The key, then, is to be aware of my thoughts, to recognize when I am fantasizing and recognize when it is getting out of control. See, part of what makes me slightly different from most here is while I am doing the PMO restriction, I’m not abstaining from ALL sexual pleasure–I’m letting myself fantasize and enjoy the real world around me.
Basically, I’m trying to explore the side of my sexuality I’ve ignored for too long, that which is beyond just racing to orgasm. The reason why I’ve suddenly committed to over four months of no PMO is because I’ve realized I can’t achieve this without restricting myself. Inevitably, I would grow lazy and just return to my old habits. I don’t want that to happen this time.
This is also why I say I’m leaving myself open to decide. It may turn out I enjoy all the traditional benefits enough to continue with this, or maybe I’ll discover that non-PMO sexual pleasure is better.
And that really, truly gets to the heart of this: I don’t know what this will bring until I try it, and I’m committed to seeing this through.
I apologize for the bulkiness of this post. Future ones will be shorter and more condensed. I wanted to get yesterday’s in here to make sure I had everything in one place, and I wanted to get all my complicated thoughts down on paper. Thank you for bearing with me.