[21M] xelcu's journey

I appreciate the reply! Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to respond to all of it right now, but I did read it, and I will give my thoughts on it tomorrow.

Today wasn’t too interesting. I attended to more home chores than schoolwork, but it was still stuff I had to do. Urges and similar are very non-existent, which… I think is a good thing? It’s hard to say. I’m definitely keeping this up and going strong, though.

Day 17

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Another day! This will be another short reply. Promise to be better tomorrow. Just the whole week is catching up to me and I’m feeling exhausted–physically and emotionally. Had some nice relaxing time, but now I need sleep. Good quality sleep.

Day 18

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Okay. Reply time.

Today was surprisingly filled with urges. In part, I believe this is because I basically did nothing today–not even the slightest bit of productivity. While usually I would feel bad about this, I also feel having some time “off” is also okay and healthy. Basically, because I’ve been working so hard, I’m feeling better about letting myself relax.

And, unfortunately, because I didn’t really do anything today, I didn’t have a chance to work on my other two goals.

As for what Svami-MahaGanja wrote: Over these weeks, I’ve become very interested in spirituality. I can’t really explain these feelings that I’m having, but I know I want to explore them. Meditation gives me this sense of connectivity and purpose that nothing else ever has. And during meditation, I feel like there’s this… something, beyond what I can reach. The closest I get is when I don’t think of it at all, and if I notice it, I lose focus and it fades away.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. But I really want to pursue that feeling. Daily meditation should help, but I find it works best when I’m more isolated. A sort of “bootleg” isolation I’ve discovered is having the shower running, and the noise blocks out most of the city noises around me. I want to explore what it feels like meditating in more natural places, though–where the sound and smell and atmosphere of nature is surrounding me.

At any rate, another day has passed. The weekend will soon be over, and this is the short time I have when I can focus more on my self-exploration. During the week, I have midterms to prepare for.

Day 19

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Well…what can one say. This is your intuition you’re connecting to.
Intuition is mainly associated with some kind of gut-feeling or estimation in our modern language, but in truth it is our higher self which “thinks” in higher abstracts and concepts than our analytical intellect, in which most of modern society is “trapped”. So it also can not be explained with words, it can only be discovered and experienced :wink:
I wish you a mind-blowing journey!

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Thank you!

Today was filled with a lot more urges. Honestly, I came close to relapsing. But, fortunately, I didn’t. My parents also drove up to my school and we went out for dinner, so that was nice. As for what I did myself, I spent a lot of today studying, but I also managed to find time to clean up my room! I definitely needed to do that, so I feel pretty good about that.

I saw one of my lab partners in the library and chatted with him for a few minutes. I’m pretty shy, so it was a nice chance to talk to someone. I need to find more ways to get out… But, ugh, I’m so busy, and socializing is honestly hard for me. It takes a lot more energy than I think it does for most people.

At any rate, tomorrow is exam day for chemistry, and then next Monday is physics exam, and the Monday after that is math. Midterms are so fun.

Day 20

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Okay, very short reply today.

Urges are becoming extremely intense again. Not sure why, but it’s definitely distracting. Also getting harder to keep my conviction. But, thankfully, I did not relapse.

Had my exam today. I hate the fact that it’s at 8PM, which is within the period where I’d normally start getting ready for bed. Gonna take me a bit to get back to normal. And then there’s another exam next week.

Ah, well. For now, rest.

Day 21

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Go for Day 30 , you got this :facepunch:

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Another day. Today, however, has been a bit rockier. Didn’t relapse, but also didn’t have any urges. I spent some time meditating today, and it helped me clarify what goals I want for the short-term: Specifically, I want to first schedule time for studying each day, now that I’m into midterm season, and second I want talk to some campus resources about figuring out diet and exercise stuff. I’m super unhealthy right now, and I want to get healthier.

And I felt really good about that. But then, the latter half of the day, I’ve just been feeling generally depressed and unmotivated. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better; it’s a long day, but I’ll see some people I enjoy and I tend to feel better about myself on those days.

Day 22

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Very short reply today. Got about an hour of sleep and have just been pushing through the day. Some urges again, which is interesting, but no relapse.

Day 23

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Today was better, thanks to getting a good night’s sleep! Urges have flared up again, but it wasn’t too bad. I also spent a lot of the day studying physics and math. Super stressed about my physics exam that’s coming up, but I also feel strangely content. Like, while I am worried and stressed, I feel motivated enough to study, to focus on working hard, to improve. It’s a nice feeling.

Yesterday, I looked into stuff about nutrition and exercising and wellness in general that my university offers. I found some great stuff, and I plan to explore them further. I want to get better specifically at making stuff I can eat at home and meal-prepping. I also want to get into exercising, but that’s another can of worms.

I didn’t do much meditating yesterday or today–nothing dedicated, at least. I’ve felt the residual effects and the overall mentality, though, and I do want to keep dedicating a small chunk of time every day to meditating. It’s astonishing how much it helps.

Day 24

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Sorry for not posting yesterday, just was out late and didn’t get a chance.

One of my cats died today.

Didn’t relapse.

Day 26

My condolences… The good thing is, that turning away from illusions such as P, we can experience reality more clearly and the fact that every physical life comes to an end. Life is so precious.

Hi there @xelcu7, how are you doing? It’s great to read about your nofap journey as a gay man. I’m gay too and part of a whatsapp group for LGBT guys who want to remove PMO from their lives. It’s interesting to chat with some people who know what it’s like to be gay and also addicted to PMO. If you want to join the group, here’s the link:

https://chat.whatsapp.com/L67pWNsr2Cr7dsRf3LhHFF

Thank you, I wish you a good day.