[21m] NukePizza [Diary] - Making my dream real

[NukePizza]

Evening journal

I designed a knife 3 times over and now I think its pretty nice. I started producing it. Another one is done hardening and needs to be tempered. Everything is moving forward. I sold the other knife which I made custom for someone today. 215€, this is the most I ever sold a knife for. Everything is moving along very positively

5 ideas

1. What do I want to improve? My focus, I dont want to become distracted. I should evaluate the content rationally before acting emotionally. Today I saw an extremely funny video of one of our polititians slipping up in a speech, the comments were even more hilarious. But I think if Im serious about getting ahead, I have to block out this sort of stuff. This is the price Im paying for getting ahead. By removing this, I will guard myself against slipping into unconscious browsing and forgetting my life purpose. Im protected

2. All decisions should be based on if they get me closer to my goal or not. My goal is becoming useful. This is the broad goal.

3. I should create a target each day. for example start one knife every day. I can do more than that but thats the aboslute minimum. This way I will progress.

4. start listening to affirmations again in the morning and evening

5. write down the hour amount next to each student so I dont forget what I charge them

6. Create Website for knives, Important for showcasing service and results, customers for custom knives are very significant

[NukePizza]

Journal (read this, this is a good journal post)

I noticed emotions come up al the time and previouslyI would just act them out and let everyone know how I feel. THese fluctuations take away from my stability and if there is one thing that makes a man a man it is stability. I want to be stoic as fuck so I follow a new principle, the principle is that I dont let anything happen out of emotionality, I act whenever possible out of rationality. I want to assess what makes a difference. For example I Have this interesting situation:

There isa person at the place where I work and she is mcuh older than me but we get along very well. We alk every day and Im suspecting Im slowly falling in love with her. I think thats a very stupid idea. She already has a son and doesnt want any more kids. This whole thing doesnt make any sense. If I Get wound up there, Im blocked. The reason Im going into this situation at all is that I have the desire for a partner. Because she is around all the time my focus went onto her. The reality is that she is not special at all and it could be a more favorable matchup with someone else. I should let go of this situation and look at the whole thing logically. Yesterday I laid in bed missing her. What the heck man, thats alreay way too involved.

Situation: I want a partner, permannet, marriage sitaution.

Shes absolutely not in a marriage sitaution because she is mcuh older than me aand that would just be an extremly bad idea. I Thought this over too. The girls my age are not mature at all (this is a presumption, how would I know, I didnt meet enough to determine this). Lets say thats true then shes a very good pick. On the flipside she can be extremely sarastic and she is inclined towards depression. Thats a red flag for me. Depression is one of those things you cant do anthing about.

The way my life is gonig I will be at teh smithy for longer, this will continue for a while. And she ll awlays be there because she also lives in one of the houses there. I ll permanently be contronted with her.

Silence,

all of this is useless. All this deliberation is leading nowhere. I want a real life, I want a real future, I want a real partner, I want a real family. This is not real, Im not accepting it. I want children someday, If I get wrapped up here Im wrapped up, Im not letting go of my opportunity. Besides, teh only way to make any progress in relationships would be to be independent. Even if it were my goal to be in a relationship with her the best strategy would be to be independfent.

So I will focus on independence. This is my goal. Independence and stability. Stability that has its source in me. I want to be the driver of this stability.

• getting up at 6am (4:50am)
• visualization
• stretching for longer limbs
• stretching calves (60s each)
• pullups (5)
• back extensions 50
• warm water on empty stomach
• cold shower
• cleaned up my room in the evening
• Meditation (10min)
• Stretching for better back posture (3 sets)
• stretching by touching toes (15s)
• big breakfast
• went to bed at 9pm
• prepped meal for the next day
• pushups (100)
• shoulder raises (80)
• shrugs Rest (150 )
  Im fucking insane

Ive been thinking about buying a blank gun (I dont know the english word, basically a pistol but it can only fire blanks, you cant fire normal ammunition). Why the heck do I want to buy a blank gun? Because of all the rappers and their songs finally got to my head? Do I Want to rob a store? What the hell would I do with a blank gun. It would lie around and I could never shoot it because thats loud as fuck, it would cost me money and I would be more in danger of escalating into a violent life path. I dont know man, lets find the real pro and then the real con and then I will make a rational decision:

Pro: Gun. Cold metal. Very cool. I always wanted to have one. I could feel a little more dangerous and subsequently calmer. I would engage in the side of me which wants to break free from softness. Danger and so on pave the way to maturity.

Con: If I buy a blank gun I ll use it. When I use it I invite the possiblity of trouble like scaring other people and so on. It could wind up leaving a stain on my legal record and that would impair my tutoring business whcih requires a perfectly clean legal record. THis would also open the door to buying a real gun in soem way and tha would be a very abd idea because it could lead down somewhere where I absolutely should not be.

Conclusion: If I fast forward 50 years. Im 70, I look back: do I regret buying the gun back then when I was 21? I would like to have done that when I was young because I would forego an important experience of being young. When youre old you dont give a fuck about danger anymore. Its only valuable to the young person. So the young person should seize his potential. Im deciding Im buying it and I will sleep one more night to confirm my decision.

[The_integrous_one]

Bro I also noticed lately that journaling about some feelings related/ emotional problems we are having helps a lot, our minds automatically comes up with solutions and reasonable answers.
Like recently I journaled about a girl like you did, and I came to the conclusion the attraction I am having towards her is not a all reasonable. Similar about Instagram usage, I came to conclusion it’s just a fkin waste of time to have it on your phone.
I regret one stupid decision I made lately because I was emotionally overwhelmed but now I know, staying calm and journaling about such situations is the best thing you can do.

Good post indeed

[NukePizza]

Yes, I find that I come up with real solutions when Im either talking to someone or writing something

I will read your journal

[The_integrous_one]

@NukePizza

will read your journal

Actually that journaling session which I mentioned above was offline . But thanks for putting forward so many advices on my diary.

[NukePizza]

Journal

Seeing @The_integrous_one slip up motivates me to save myself. I make sure the same thing doesnt happen to me. Besides, I think the only way I can help anyone win is by winning myself, then other people believe they can do it too. I noticed Im giving into outside stimuli, I will implement actions to fortify myself. Horse stance 2mins now. This is absolute pain for me, after 1min I have a 150bpm heartrate, I find the exercise very difficult. I will do this now, then I willl start the habits AND WONT STOP for any distraction or whatever, then I ll leave and bring my goals ahead. I hope many people see that Im going forward and start to believe in themselves. Im proving that one can get ahead!

Edit: I did that, at 1min it was 120bpm, hat 2min it was 144bpm, so not that extreme but my thighs are burning like hell. I will do the habits now.

Habits:

• getting up at 6am (4:50am)
• visualization
• stretching for longer limbs
• stretching calves (60s each)
• pullups (22)
• back extensions 50
• warm water on empty stomach
• cold shower
• cleaned up my room in the evening
• Meditation (10min)
• Stretching for better back posture (3 sets)
• stretching by touching toes (15s)
• big breakfast
• went to bed at 9pm
• prepped meal for the next day
• pushups (100)
• shoulder raises (80)
• shrugs Rest (150 )

result of the visualisation:

Looking at this drawing fills me with joy

[NukePizza]

Evening journal:

I attempted to turn the knife from the drawing into a real knife and forgot about the scale of the knife. This would work if the knife was all in all 1.5 times bigger than the knife I had. This resulted in a handle thats too narrow to grip comfortably. The way the knife is right now, it is ruined. I consider adding material from the scales and filling the spot up, then grinding down again. This is a reasonable proposition. I have extremely expensive handle material which I intended to use on this knife, but the mentioned course of action is risky and might result in wasting these expensive handle scales. I should attempt the fix with disposable wood scales which I throw away afterward. If the process works I will repeat it with the real scales.

5 ideas

1. What do I want to achieve? I want to create as many extremely good knives as possible til christmas. I should repeat the same steps, buy the same steel and work on perfecting one knifetype. The many knife attempts will acrue into a reasonably large amount of knives.

2. Im keeping the 3 day rule (“if you dont start something after 3 days, you most likely wont start it at all”). There is a gift I should finish and I havent put enough attention on it. Tomorrow I will do it, Im setting an alarm for this now.

3. Before trying a new design, I will cut it out of a thin wood plate and observe if the grip is comfortable, then I will trace the outline of this template onto the steel, then cut it

4. I will finsih up all tasks 15mins before the scheduled sleep time so I dont run out of time

5. After finishing each task, I think “what is the next task I must do next?”. After answering this question, the way to continuing effectivity is paved. If I just finish the task and feel the burden of somehow continuing with another activity I would have to push against two resistances, the resistance of figuring out whats most important and the resistance of doing it. By figuring out the next step and making it clear to me Im setting myself up for success. (the task after finishing this sentence is to call my accountability partner for example)

[NukePizza]

Journal

Today has a good planned trajectory: arriving at 9:00am, working on setting the floor in one of the rooms with bricks (its snowing here and the bricks are on a hill, 310 are needed, we have about 200 now. Then we somehow need to bring them all down). Once this is accomplished, next step is implementing my plan for saving the knife from yesterday. Cutting scales from soft wood, attempting the fix, checking if it worked. If so, remove scales again, repeat with real material.

Starting another kitchen knife is also a good idea today and finishing the present for my mother (chrismas) is mandatory today.

• getting up at 6am (4:50am)
• visualization
• stretching for longer limbs
• stretching calves (60s each)
• pullups (7)
• back extensions Rest
• warm water on empty stomach
• cold shower
• cleaned up my room in the evening
• Meditation (10min)
• Stretching for better back posture (3 sets)
• stretching by touching toes (15s)
• big breakfast
• went to bed at 9pm
• prepped meal for the next day
• pushups (50)
• shoulder raises Rest
• shrugs Rest

Im listening to a song. The translation is “Ive wanted it all like this, this life. No going back, I know no tears”

[Binocular]

I never saw snow except in movies, @NukePizza what is snow like? I bet it’s pretty cold in Germany is it

[NukePizza]

cold xD Like ice but flaky

[NukePizza]

Journal

Im not keeping any habits apart from the stretching today, someone told me to take a break and go easy on myself for a few days. I will try that

[NukePizza]

Journal

Still same situation, still no sports but cold shower and stretching are still included

[NukePizza]

Journal

• Unchanged :-D*

• Many people are either soft or so hard they go into burnout. The skill is to be hard naturally and still be able to relax from time to time by doing this: Get hard asf, get up very early and so on and do sports and so on, all good and well. Then bring the soft time and practice not slipping into oblivion and pleasure cycles. Then get hard again. You practice “letting loose” without “letting go”. And after a few repetitions of this cycle you ll keep your hardness control even in soft times

[NukePizza]

Evening journal

Im going back on track, the pressure is back, Im focussing on success again.

Im feeling hurt by this one particular person who I care about, but I have the feeling she doesnt care about me in the slightest which makes me want to cut her off from my life, we are in an accountability relationship you could say so we talk in the evening and in the morning and that is the reason she is more or less still involved in my life despite all the other things and I feel like I just cant make progress on her caring about me and deep down I suspect that I need to be a person who absolutely doesnt need anyone to care about me.

I feel tremendously misunderstood. But the whole mistunderstanding, just like all arguments can be rectified by taking more responsibility. My solution would be to focus on my own goals or to look for a different accountablility partner.

5 ideas

1. How do I solve this social situation? I should lower my expectations. Expectations make you suffer. Everyone who instills expectations in you cripples you, youre always stronger if you expect less. I expect nothing from my accountability partner, I will pull my own weight and disregard her. If this situation is because she is a peculiar person and just a bottomless hole which will swallow all positivity and never give it back (one of my assumptions) the best decision is to turn away and if this situation is not caused by her but by my dependence on her, the best decision is to turn away from her also.

Im a human gosh darn it, if I care about someone it hurts me when they dont return it. It feels like she just has an inability for this true warmth. Shes often depressed too etc. I loathe this. I want to change this. I will find another accountability partner.

2. I should hang out more with normal people. Im locked in this social bubble which is connected to the smithy. All people there fit to me but they are also peculiar. I should get out more and meet more regular people. Maybe even a girl or something. This shit is not normal, if I assume that this is a normal human interaction I would blame myself and all this pain flows to me. I want to TEST if this is the case, I want to experience other human relationships and make comparisons.

Example: I push things forward etc. and give a lot and she is thankful and a few hours later there is 0 connection. LMFAO
There is absolutely no result whatsoever. She is forcing herself to stand around and listen etc. and I can feel full on well that she gives z e r o fucks about my life. She feels obligated, thats the only reason.

Thats a bad reason. I would rather have bold honesty there but I can see the true situation myself anyway. She doenst give a fuck. She absolutely doesnt give a fuck. But she wants to care but just cant manage to. For example I dont have a car and she often invites me to borrow her car etc. and tries to help in all ways possible. But the normal human interaction. The normal hello and good bye is so fucking cold. What the fuck. I dont want this

So the solution: Hang around with more normal people, Im starting jiu jitsu next week, I could meet people there.

3. What do I want to improve? Improve sleep. Main culprit is the cold white light in my room (LED). I shoudld replace it with a warm one, I ll set a timer for that now.

4. YT should come through. I want to be successful with youtube and this is a thing that can be worked steadily at. Its a great project. How can I become better there? I should make a plan. The main thing I Have in abundance is thoughts on life and motivation. If I can manage to get that into a channel I would frequently produce a video. The main thing that needs to be done is quality. Everything needs to be finihed, look finished, look compelte. I should get a pop filter for my microphone to increase the audio quality. [I just ordered it]. What esle can look professional in a video? When I draw something no utensils shoudl be visible to the viewer. The backdrop is a white background at teh moment, thats okay but could be improved with a soundproof wall as a backdrop. Clothes always have to be top notch etc. Videos should have one main ambition: carry an emotion from me to the viewer. This means the introduction should be short but intense and authentic, thats absically the most improtant thing. Being as authentic as possible. Nothing else matters. Get to the objective of the video with as much focus as possbile and dont ever try to act out to be “better”. No acting. 100% authenticity, thats the single most important thing.

Alright I ll try it with that

5. Find time for youtube. In the morning is a great time for this, right after completing the habits and so on. I should implement time outside inthe morning to jumpstart my day because the cold outside air and sun and so on stimulate extremely, I will add it to the habits, Im setting an alarm.

[NukePizza]

Evening journal

Im so tired I ll fall into bed asap, I finally completed my dream, I started brazilian jiu jitsu (I just got back home from it)

It was very good. Maybe 20 people there, we partnered up. I met a very good guy, he is about the same weight as me and taught me and trained with me. There were successmoments too, I learned a choke hold and he tapped and said he had to. When we ended the training and grappled for real I think I did a good job staying alive (though I ofc got tapped out eventually), everything went very well. I should eat more before the workout next time.

[Mazerunner]

Congratulations for joining bjj classes. I’m thinking to do the same.

[NukePizza]

3 ideas to improve my life:

• implement rule to sit at the desk with good posture until I cant maintain it anymore, then get up and do something else, dont allow slouch

• reading in “principles” by ray dalio every evening

• watching the stock market every evening

[NukePizza]

Today I spent a lot of time working on a part of my website, if you want you can take a look: https://nachhilfehvm.de I wanted to make a “cookies” banner which goes away and stays away if you clicked “yes” once. This means I had to “make a cookie” which remembers that you are fine with cookies xD so I had to find out how to use cookies. That was quite a lot and Im at my mental max. today, I should sleep quite soon. This is the script:

<script>
var hatGeklickt = false;
function cookieYes(){
hatGeklickt = true;
checkCookie();
}
 


function setCookie(cname,cvalue,exdays) {
  const d = new Date();
  d.setTime(d.getTime() + (exdays*24*60*60*1000));
  let expires = "expires=" + d.toUTCString();
  document.cookie = cname + "=" + cvalue + ";" + expires + ";path=/";
}

function getCookie(cname) {
  let name = cname + "=";
  let decodedCookie = decodeURIComponent(document.cookie);
  let ca = decodedCookie.split(';');
  for(let i = 0; i < ca.length; i++) {
    let c = ca[i];
    while (c.charAt(0) == ' ') {
      c = c.substring(1);
    }
    if (c.indexOf(name) == 0) {
      return c.substring(name.length, c.length);
    }
  }
  return "";
}

function checkCookie() {
  let user = getCookie("username");
  if (user != "") {
    document.getElementById("cookieinformer").style.display = "none"; //deaktiviere Banner
  } else if (hatGeklickt == true){
     user = "abc";
	 document.getElementById("cookieinformer").style.display = "none";//aktiviere Banner
     if (user != "" && user != null) {
       setCookie("username", user, 7);
     }
  }
}
</script>

3 ideas to improve my life:

• get bluelight filter glasses
• develop a strategy on which skills I want to acquire and then make a plan to get them (basically webdesign pays extremely well and knowing what the market needs is the first step in finding out what I should study up on. Im quite comfortable with html and css and some javascript too.)
• the evening sessions should be real planning and descovery sessions, not mindless consumption sessions, a real goal should be achieved like finding out the webdesign question
• extra idea: there has to be some kind of assessment every evening. Its not handy that I complete these tasks as the very last step, I should already be heading to bed and they are quite demanding. They should be completed well before bedtime

[NukePizza]

I split the day into two halves now (why, that makes no sense, if you wanted to focus on one thing you would not split the day, why are you splitting something???)

Yes thats a good point. Why am I splitting something?

I want to learn more about cyber security, it interests me a lot and I would like to be proficient in it. In order to go after this interest without foregoing my duties, I will read in “Principles” now and write down 3 ideas to improve my life here now and then I can read mindlessly about cyber security until I go to bed.

There is a good point to learning more about something else because the question about what to do when the summertime comes and noone takes maths lessons due to the summer holidays is not answered yet. One option would be to create websites and Im much in favor of it but learning more about cybersecurity is not quite a detour.

I learned that my online shop on etsy is suddenly doing well. I started translating the titles of my items into english and have made 2 sales in 2 days :s

3 ideas to improve my life:

• learning more about cybersecurity in order to give me an edge in the future (and besides, learning how to hack things is very interesting, even if you only use it to close those vulnerabilities)
• wont accept things that dont serve me and to which I disagree. I recently agreed to do something only out of having a guilty conscience with no real reason whatsoever, thats not okay, I want to turn down such nonsense
• split the day like proposed in the beginning: in the morning I will do focussed work on the main goal: getting the course ready. This pretty much means creating solutions to all sections of the topic and then synthesizing them into one course - first only roughly and then with finishing touches. Then I can start writing drafts, planning the recording and then recording for real. I saw someone getting 50 students into his course and this man seemed quite unprofessional, Im confident I can be better.

[NukePizza]

I made some progress on all fronts today, I learned more about cybersecurity:

I opened a small client and a small server with netcat on linux! I then learned more about netcat and found out it was used to create backdoors on computers. You basically run a script on the target computer that makes the computer open netcat to connect with your attacker machine and then your commands are directly fed through to the victim pc. Ofcourse this means that the attacker and victim both have to have netcat installed and thats probably not the case, but its still interesting. I dont understand it fully yet, only superfiically.

I learned that netcat can open a server by using
nc -l -p 4050
if your port is 4050 and that you can access this server by typing

nc *serverdomainname* 4050 

Thats all, youre already connected then. If you type things in the server, it will be brought to the client and vice versa. You have a chat more or less

I also found out that you can use grep to find things. It has many attributes.

grep -r 'filename'

would return a search for this file on every directory from the point of your starting directory. That means you can just find anything by just writing this line!

if you use

grep 'some word' file.txt

Then grep will output all instances where it found the string ‘some word’ in the file 'file.txt.
Can be used to find content in a document!

You can also use -w to make it only count one word or -i to make it case-insensitive.

You can also “pipe things” to other commands with the line " | ". This means if you open a file by using

cat filename.txt

You can then use

cat filename.txt | grep -wi 'somethingyourelookingfor'

Its a trivial example but this | operator is really doing work! You could use it to start finding information about ports. For example if youre trying to find out how many ports are open, you can use a command to list all open ports

(in netcat )

and then use grep to search for the word “open”. You can even count the instances so you ll know how many open ports there are by using the attribute “-c”:
All together:

nc -zv testdomain.com 1-200 | grep -c 'open' 

All in all, very useful!

3 things to improve my life

• start sticking to a regular bedtime again. Its better to be productive in the morning than in the evening.
• make a realistic plan on what to achieve in terms of my main goals for the day in the morning on a stroll (take a stroll regularly, you will be refreshed!)
• pick up the habit of not biting up more than I can chew. It was very helpful to write all these things I learned down and it makes much more sense to play with things to get intuitive with them than to rush over them without remembering their application. I want to be proficient in the end and this will only be attained by practice which is most optimal when play is present. So when something is too complicated to play with it, its too complicated and should be examined more slowly.