People that inspired me to start a new diary
Its been almost a year , I joined this forum. Met a lot of friends. Even though I made some silly mistakes like Announcing I am going to leave this forum many times and came here like a coward , Many diaries ( Its my new one btw ) No person here has failed to insipre me .
To be honest, , Every diary here is motivational and inspiring here.
@yashnofap01 diary teaches me even if things screw you up, never let your discipline get ruined.
@Amitroghates diary always keeps me active with a lot of puzzles and riddles in it.
There are still lot of People I am really Thankful. But since this Forum restricts tagging only 10 people. I am restricting this for now.
My Life before PMO and No fap
I am typically an introvert who prefer spending time alone rather than spending time with my classmates. Why I am an introvert? Probably because my dad and mom are introverts. My dad used to say that he was an introvert in his childhood but he was forced to become an extrovert because of his job which involve a lot of communication skills. My mom used to be a nerd in studies and expect me to become like that.
That’s all about my family. Even though I used to be an introvert, I am really determined to succeed in life since childhood. My favorite sport I love to watch is Cricket. Whenever MS Dhoni or Virat Kohli make our country win during stressful situations, It gives me goosebumps and at the same time, a mad desire that people should look at me like a captain/ hero/ savior in my future because I never got a chance to shine in my life.
Since I am an introvert, I used to have a lot of hobbies since childhood. Some of my general interest were music, zodiac sign, pokemon , cricket and so on. I chose the name Risinglion123 because of my zodiac sign Leo, the zodiac sign that ideally contradicts my behavior. For those who have less idea about astrology, Leo is the zodiac sign that is considered confident, brave , dominant and the one who shines a lot, in brief which are the characteristics that I want.
Sorry, I love to story tell a lot, so without further due, lets get to our common topic.
How I found out the concept called masturbation
I was 12 years old. Studying in 7th Standard as a typical introvert reading books, daydreaming etc. There was a guy( I don’t want to reveal his name) who has a habit of massaging his d**k in public. I don’t blame him because he has a problem associated with his brain due to iron deficiency. Whenever he does such a process I make an attempt to move his hands out of that position. Whenever I does that, he begin to act aggressively making noises to stop me from stopping him. After 3- 4 minutes of this act, he become calm and composed and removed his hand from that area. This aroused my curiosity. That night, I followed the same procedure and waited for few minutes. I began to feel a particular sensation which reached its peak level about few seconds and dropped down to zero after that. You know what happened next right?
How I found porn ( An experience to prove why porn is dangerous than Masturbation. Especially to those people who believe in the sentence " One peek wont hurt" )
I used M as a reward system whenever I complete academic stuff like HW, Good marks in exams etc. I stopped playing Pokemon because I thought M is better. M used to give me more happiness, and also does not consume time. I got my 10th board result. I got my AIR rank near to 1600 among 16 lakh students, received certificate from Mayor from our state and my name got published in the newspaper. Things are going favorable right?
I opted Bio- Maths for Class 11.The life of an introvert started to bore me. The M process is no more interesting now. As we become teenagers, we start to make attempt to attract our opposite gender right? From class 11 onwards, my primary goal was to make a girl get impressed by me. So an introverted life was not found as an attractive option for that. So I decided to become an extrovert. I started talking to men and women around me in a awkward manner because honestly I have no idea what i should talk as an extrovert. People started to treat me as clown, bullying me when needed, made me post pics in Instagram of me sitting in the closet.
The girls also started to treat me as if I am an awkward person. But I was late. I understood that I was treated like a clown on Class 12. All the drama that took place on Class 11 has reduced my academic performance. Tbh, I just passed the 11th standard. I was too late to understand the harsh reality of life. This may be nothing for people who had overcome several setbacks in life. Probably this was my first setback. I gone through minute depression like situation for 6 months. I started failing in exams. One of the student in my class understood my current situation and he gave me an advice.
" I know your current situation. Go watch some porn. You’ll get a lot of women there. "
After that I started enquiring about porn, its procedure to access it and so on. It was more like in a Cloud Nine situation when I first started watching porn. I will wait for the school to get over, take my personal laptop, turn on the internet, shut the doors and watches it. The M process became interesting again. I saw life in a virtual world.
The board exams for 12 starts within 1 week. I failed a lot of internal examinations in my school. Desperate to get motivation, I saw a Beer Biceps YouTube channel. The way he speaks, began to motivate me. I worked damn hard and managed to get 87 percentage for board exam.
How I came across No Fap
I became a constant viewer of Beerbiceps YouTube channel and through that , I came to know about No Fap.
A bad reputation for my Impulsive Instincts
I know , I may have hurt many people because of this. I was an Impulsive person who comes to Conclusions faster. I have a bad reputation of having too many diaries. Which makes me less accountable to myself and other people.
I am sorry for that. I will never say , I try because I am sure this is my permanent diary from now on.
My Engineering Life
My Engineering life got started the moment I started to take No Fap seriously. For me porn is dangerous than Masturbation as it destroys time too. Since I was struggling with No Fap my life gets Screwed up every 3 days. This reduces my productivity and consistency in what I am doing.
For Consistency, I started a zodiac sign Consistency Challenge to make myself and others accountable.
During Desperate Days , I relapse daily and No productive activities happen that day. I failed in many exams and due to this I am not able to submit the assignments on time.
My dream of Honour degree shattered in front of me because of this addiction.
I lost faith among people as I am lacking honesty being the leader of the class.
I started losing interest in subjects and most dangerously I got desensitized to failure. This is not a good thing as I stopped trying to study and started to get involved in self destructive activities.
Why long post ?
Everyone knows the fact that I have made a lot of diaries here. I know , No one is patient enough to read everything. I took this much time and effort for this to make sure that this is my Permanent diary from now on.
My Short Term Goal
My short term goal is to get M.tech in a reputed institution. My long term goal as an IAS officer is not fixed. But , I believe things will get clear as time progress and as long as I am on the right path.
I know my life sucks still I believe I can Succeed
As mentioned earlier, I honestly believe I can become great person like APJ Abdul Kalam , Mahatma Gandhi , MS Dhoni , Virat Kohli, Sachin Tendulkar etc. You may laugh at me for this. But I’ve gone through more than general mockery from people.
In short , I believe I can and So I become.
My hidden anger
We are humans , We make mistakes. We learn from it , We move on.
There is a women I always admire, not romantically . Her determination to succeed was visible in her eyes. I met her in my 12th standard. Her name is Naazni. A Muslim woman whom I still consider her as an ideal woman till now. She is studying in NIT Now.
After the PMO addiction , I was not at all good in studies. She considers me as good for nothing creature for my inability to study well. She always tries to avoid me. I got into a less popular college compared to her. An another reason to avoid me.
I was also a topper like her before PMO. I gonna show her , what a real lion is capable of.
The battle with Surbatingsi
Since childhood, I used to read a lot about zodiac signs. In fact I am mad about this till now.
In my previous post , I mentioned how much determined I am to defeat Naazni. Since she is always avoiding me , I have no way to contact her anymore.
Then I saw Surbatingsi , a guy with a good determination. The fact is she and Surbatingsi share a same zodiac sign. His determination has reminded me of Naazni earlier. I am challenging him these days.
Surbatingsi, if you are reading this, please don’t empathise with me. Please give your tough shot. I was a tough figher in your age. And that fighter is never dead.