(18 F) Journey Through the Dark

I’m going to keep this journal with my thoughts for the day. Hopefully it will encourage others as we’ll.

Today went pretty well. I need to stop fantasizing though.


Hey there,
I see you:)
You will definitely help!
I wish you a never ending streak!
Best of luck


Fantasising is really bad … It often leads to urges that can sometime result in Relapses … It only takes few seconds to divert your mind when sexual urges come … Don’t get carried away with these thoughts.


I just want to warn everyone reading this I’m really blunt. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

Thought of the day: Well, after 48 days my bust grew and my waist has actual curves. :anguished: I have no idea if that’s because I quit MO or just because my body is still growing. If its the first I have further motives to continue this streak.

Today I will stop myself from fantasizing as much as I can. I’ll do it when I’m writing but leave it at that. I’m going to keep myself reality based here.

No breaking the streak today. I can do this.


hey there,
bluntnes is quite refreshing in my opinion especialy when its about positive things xD

congrats on the benefits and renewed comitment!

keep up the good fight!

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Thought of the day: I’m going to stop objectifying fictional characters.
I hate to say the ones that I objectified most were the ones in my book, the one I’m writing… I can’t do that. And now I have a hard time watching a new show that’s coming out because I M-ed to the main character last season. 🤦 I won’t let the rest of the show be ruined for me. I’m gonna start over and next season, when it comes out next year, I won’t look at the main character like that, even though its an animated show. I still feel bad.

Another thought: MO causes suicidal thoughts!! They’re gone now that I’ve stopped. That’s something I didn’t even know about. Feeling less depressed too.


Thoughts of the day:
I wanted to prove that women don’t need to masturbate once a month. I wanted to be the acception to that. I wanted to be strong enough and disciplined enough to look science in the face and say “this doesn’t apply to me. I can handle my urges during ovulation.”
For 50 days I fought, some days were better than most. But I never gave up. I stuck it out.
And then yesterday, I was doing fine, until about 8 o’clock.
There was a sting in my body, through every part that would have enabled me to have children. It wasn’t even the need for sex. It was the need for relief. I was in pain. I wanted it to end.
The next thing I knew I was in the bathroom, touching myself, just getting it all out so I could move on.
I didn’t think to reach out to an accountability partner.
I didn’t think about the consequences.
Then I went to sleep and didn’t wake up until 9, and I knew I was going to have to come back to this app and face what I’d done.
I should have reached out to someone.
I should have contacted anyone just so they could remind me of the consequences.
But I didn’t think to.
Now I’m at day 0, starting over. I want to get to 90 more than anything, and a day when I’ll be able to look back and say “I’m glad I’m free.”
I’m starting over. I’m doing this all over again, and I can’t promise I’ll get it right this time.
Truth be told this was my first relapse with the app. I’ve never had accountability partners before.
I’m sorry, @UntiltheEnd and @Ihanookoo. I let you down, I let myself down, and to everyone reading my progress.
But I just lost the battle, not the war.
I know what I did wrong.
I’ll try to be stronger this time.


hey see and feel you.
you tried hard, it must have been hard.
it is okay!

it is great that you have a positive outlook for/on the future!

i can relate to situations whre you simply do not remeber to contact anyone where you forget everything else and jsut M… that sucks…

50 days is already quite sth! u did it once you can do that and more again!

possible advice if you care for it
  1. maybe you can prepare for the next time during your periode with sime kind of alarm or letter to self or get into conntact with and AC as soon as you notice that ures devlop or even before jsut so that your AC has a heads upo to chelc on you?

  2. you said that you jusut wanted release… i ahve no experience what so ever with femlae MO paterns in periods my former gfs did not tell me anything about it but have you considred other ways to get relase as in a worm water bottle hugs from frineds? Most of my girlfriends (as in romantic and non romantic) ahve told me that huggs and body contact help them calm down in that time maye you ahve someone arroudn to try that with??

  3. also maybe you do ot know that but usually during your period your serotonin levels dip lower than on average serotonon is the Hormon that helps with feeling good after “effort/achievement” it is a lot more durable than doppamine that usually works with short term pleasure like MO … the issue with the serotonin lvl drop is that the descrepancy of an already low dopamine level (e.g. as in a flatline) is amplified by that since you feel bad about it. funfact: many woman like chocoalte inthis time since it naturally increases the level of serotonin in the brain. but knwoing this there is also medication for that and behaviour/structures you can do to also increase your levels on purpose.

i hope this helps.

you did good
you will get better
best regards!


Thanks for your kind words. 50 isn’t as good as I had hoped but it’s something, at least. I’m sorry you relate to that situation but I feel better since you do.


You are an inspiration for me.

50 days is quite an achievement. After I joined this app, my longest streak has been 4 days.

Also, you didn’t use porn. So, you should be proud of yourself.

There are certain things you can control, and there are certain things, you can’t. You can’t go against biology for that’s what you are.

So, be proud, but, at the same time, try to beat your old record. Remember, you inspire people.

This time, I try to beat yours.:wink:


Come back stronger sister.


Aw, thank you, brother! This is what I needed to hear. Thank you so much and I hope we both get past 50. Good luck on your journey!


Thoughts of the day:
Well, today was a little tough. I still blame myself for what happened yesterday. Having thought like “I can’t relapse if I’m dead.” Bad stuff like that. My ADHD makes me obsess about things I did wrong.
But I shall not! This is the upside after a slope on a rollercoaster, giving me enough momentum to go up higher! I’m up and ready for battle again!
The disappointment and shame I suffered from this is a passing thing. It won’t last forever. I’ll be alright.
There’s a part of me that’s afraid of my body, that thinks I can’t trust it. But it’s mine. Any sin it does comes from my mind and heart. I can control both. I have to.
If anyone thinks I was weak (myself included) maybe I was, but I’m doing the best I can everyday so screw you.
To everyone who was reassuring and concerned for my well-being (Jesus included), thank you very much! I couldn’t make it without any of you.
Today I’m a prisoner again, a prisoner of my mind, of sin, but I’m going to rise up again.
Remind me to check my badges again at day 50. :laughing:


Don’t worry I’m right in front of you rn. I’ll be with you through this journey this time! I’m taking this as motivation to not get so far behind you this time! I’m walking with you every step of the way!


Yay!! I’m glad we’re going to be head to head this time! :grin:


Its all Good just Promise me your always be DarkViolin


The one and only. :wink:
Just promise me you’ll always be Until theEnd.


Damn :grin: why you have to put me on the spot like that


Possible trigger ahead. You have been warned.

Thoughts of the day:
Well, the contractions are back. After the last relapse they went away, and now I know for future reference that they come back on day 4 (I think I’m on day 4… Haven’t been paying much attention). Instead of sitting there, I’ve been trying to shift my position.
Whenever I’ve caught myself fantasizing I’ve tried putting a stop to it. That way it doesn’t give me urges, which have been minimal other than the contractions.
Another thing that I caught myself doing was fingering my breast. I’m going to try to stop doing that. I don’t count it as edging, but I don’t think its a good habit to get into either.
Haven’t been reading triggering content, so that’s great! That’s totally a step in the right direction.
I also got a text from the guy I like yesterday. :heart_eyes: I was so happy I wanted to jump to the moon. :crescent_moon: At least that gave me something else to think about. Started dancing to pop music after that. Used up some built up energy.


Actually, really no thoughts today. No urges, no triggers, just chilling. Hope everyone’s doing well! 🙋