What PMO does to me confession

(sorry, didn’t meant to write such a long post :see_no_evil:)

PMO consists of three things. porn, masturbation and orgasm. I will here only talk about P and M since I don’t like to talk about O.
(There are tons of other sources of energy or ways how I waste my energy in my daily life. Once I am a “almost perfect” human I can think about harvesting the last potential sources of energy but until then healthy habits are a way easier possibility to improve my life.)

What are the effects from PM to me?

  • Porn
    If I relapse to porn, it is the worst thing ever. Once started I can’t stop anymore. I typically watch porn for 3-4 hrs straight. I edge during the whole time. I come in the end. I watch the most disgusting things because only these can give me the high I want. For days I can’t get the images out of my head, I see women on the street with completely different eyes. I wanna do the horrible things I saw in porn to them. It messes up all my senses. And it numbs all the feelings I have towards my girlfriend
    That’s why porn is the worst thing in my life and I wanna do anything I can to never watch it again.

  • Masturbation
    A relapse to masturbation takes me about 1min. I don’t have any porn pictures in my mind.
    I hate doing it because it is such an unnecessary thing. I feel like a primate sitting there and doing such a weird thing. It makes me more lazy and indifferent to my surrounding. But the worst thing is, that I know that it is pure self medication. I don’t masturbate because I want to but more because I somehow need this feeling. And I am angry at myself that I need to self medicate instead of providing my body and mind with all the positive feelings it needs without M

I started about 1 year ago with my goal of no PM. I know that my final goal is to never again watch a single porn, a single naked girl picture or search youtube for inappropriate things.
I tried hard and failed so many times. I got some decent 35 streaks without PM but every time I relapsed I started with M and then thought "Damn, I relapsed. Everything is lost so I could also just start watching P." And 4 hours later I felt like a piece of shit.

Again and again i told myself this is the last time. I will never do it again. But I wasn’t able to do it.
So, now, I’m a bit more realistic. It is very unlikely that this streak will be my last for ever. It sounds pathetic, I know, but it is the truth. It doesn’t have anything to do with giving up or not aiming high. It has more to do with being realistic. There is no use in setting unreachable goals. (don’t get me wrong. I don’t say I will never be able to be PM-free. I say it is unlikely that this streak is the last one because I know myself. I know how many mental issues I still have. There are still so many things which can make me feel miserable.)
During the last 2 months I learned to see the exact moment before I relapse. There is this moment maybe 10seconds before I give in where I can feel that my rational mind is pushed away by the porn mind (it never happens that I have urges for a whole day. I can feel amazing the whole time but within seconds I completely loose control over my body. It’s like in a dream. I become the observer of my deeds and can’t do anything about it). I tried about 20 times in the last 2 months to resist my porn mind but I failed 20 out of 20 times. Each time watching porn for 4 hrs

What I do now is, in this very moment before I open a porn, I masturbate. That doesn’t mean that I like it or that I choose to masturbate. It is only, that I choose the less bad relapse. it’s 1min of relapse vs 4hrs of relapse. I know it is bad but somehow it kind of works.
I tried it before to say I do no porn but M is okay but I think this is a very bad way of doing it. because that tells your mind that M is okay. You can masturbate whenever you want because it is okay. That’s not what I do!

like this, in the last 3 weeks I haven’t watched porn a single time, and masturbated only once.
before these 3 weeks, I had an average of 4days per relapse for about 1.5months. Now, isn’t that an improvement? 1min of masturbation in 3 weeks compared to 20hrs of porn in the same time? I don’t say it is good or that I am where I wanna be or that I wanna continue like this. But it is a huge reduction of stimulus and porn images. And that’s what it is. It’s not black or white. Not that you are either in the deepest pit of porn or completely rebooted. There are steps in between.

Besides that, I’m still working hard on improving my life. During the last year I changed most things about my life. From how I get up in the morning, how I eat my meals, how and how often I relax, my relation to my studies and exams, what I’m using my computer for and so on. My life became so much better and finally, I can see that it also influences my porn consumption. I need porn less and less because I found ways how I can cope with my feelings in a natural way. And I feel like this is what is is about (at least for me). We have to learn how to handle our emotions and problems and one day, we won’t need porn anymore.

During my first streak, I tried to do no PM by avoiding all triggers and just forcing myself to no relapse. I went for 55 days but instead of watching porn I started again playing computer games for hours. So, that is not an improvement for me. Replacing porn with an other addiction means failing to me. That’s why I hate when people say I go for easy mode. Because my mode is to change every single aspect of my life which I don’t like, instead of just replacing porn and masturbation by other addiction. In my opinion, porn is a way to self medicate all the problems you have in your life. You can now either fight your problem from it’s roots or you can search for another medication. This doesn’t have to be true for everyone, but I know that it is true for me.