What my first total relapse taught me

Yes guys, I did it. I fell in the lines of battle. Just 11 days of hard streak and I fapped to porn. Multiple times at that too. This happened some time ago. The reason I took this long to write this confession was because I was broken, and needed time to heal. There is no place for emotion in the fields of battle. I wanted to get my feelings and high ass junkie brain under control. I would be of no use to anybody with an emotional rant or as a crying baby. I reset the streak 2 days ago and started on my journal, but I really won’t get anywhere if I don’t level with myself completely, keep totally true to myself, hold myself accountable and responsible.
This is my analysis after sometime of clear thinking and considerably reduced brain fog.
Root Triggers

  1. YouTube thumbnails. Yeah, and it was the littlest thing too. Don’t want to talk about it. Keep YouTube AND GOOGLE FUCKING SEARCH in restricted mode, even if hell freezes over.
  2. Frustration while study. I have observed that whenever I feel difficult or hit even a slight wall while studying (which is an unavoidable process and a part of learning) my brain seeks an escape because it gets lazy af, can’t take the little effort to figure the material out. It seeks a quick escape and I have been continuously feeding it in the form of fapping, even without porn. I really don’t have a clear idea how to counter this yet, so any input will be so welcome.

Minor Triggers and faults

  1. Sitting comfortably in bed. The fucking “chill” pose.
  2. Morning time : I was running on willpower fumes without a decent breakfast. I really understand willpower better now. Your body needs fuel to keep the willpower reserves up. There’s no way around this. As you wake up in the morning, your willpower reserves MUST be refueled in one way or another. Shower in the morning, talk to people in the morning, waking up early isn’t gonna mean shit if I’m doing it to fap.
  3. DiD not use any resources available to me. I had the companion app, telegram accountability group, and a partner’s whatsapp contact. It’s like I wanted to die. I successfully resisted the urges by meditation at night, before sleeping, then got overconfident and arrogant. I feel like the soldier from “Saving Private Ryan” whose helmet protected him in the first headshot, then he removed the helmet to flex how lucky he was, and immediately got his brains blown out like a fucking moron.
  4. Kept reading in bed. The bedroom is fucking off limits. Lock it up if you have to, you ain’t going in there unless it’s 2300 and you’re going to sleep. And the phone stays outside!

These mistakes WILL NOT BE REPEATED. I died in
battle, like an idiot, like the rookie I am. I made all these rookie mistakes and the elites, the veterans are probably facepalming as you guys read this. I’m really sorry I let you all down, @Tagore @edistoretto you guys had really high hopes for me. I thought I could ride the wave to an amazing streak and perfect reboot, right off the bat on my first try, but obviously I couldn’t.

I have decided to make serious changes to my routine and habits. I will also be starting my journal. These two days have been hell. But I have sharpened the swords, rebuilt the armour, mended my shields (atleast, I think, no way to be sure) and I’m going into battle. I will also be resetting the streak counter at 2300 today night, to really mark the beginning. Monk mode, total abstinence, and work. Hard. Raw. Unfiltered. Fuck comfort. Fuck convenience. Fuck escapes. Above all, Fuck YOU my demons. This time, I’m coming for YOU.

7 Likes

Exactly that was the reason of my relapse last time.
I was getting too much thumbnail containing hentai scenes … so I removed that account and started a new account so that I don’t get recommended those filthy videos

2 Likes

Mine was even weaker than that man, smh. It was just Rihanna in a formal dress with some cleavage, on Seth Meyers’ show. Surprising to see the really little things we didn’t give a second look earlier come back right now and stab us in the back. :man_facepalming:

1 Like

You did not “die in the battle” brother, you retreated, made a tactical change and now you’re ready to go into the battle again, with affective and agressive strategy. Fists clenched.

Time to win the War.
Stay sharp.

1 Like

Use “keyword blocker” extension - it helps me a lot - blocks 99% of the things I should / do not want to see.

Its ok brother. This has happened to me too, I strongly believe the only way to get our of this loop hole of this addiction is commit yourself 100%. This is not an easy thing. Nothing else but 100% commitment from our part can only save us.
Now, dust off the dirt from your shoulder like our brother @edistoretto does and fight back like a real titan.
We are with you!!! Don’t make the mistake twice. Give 1000% this time.
You can!!!

This is a do or die situation for me. If I give up and dissapoint both you people and myself I’ll never come back to this app. I’ll tell my parents and will go see a phychatrist or I’ll do something!!!

IAM DONE WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!
THIS TIME SUCCESS IS MUST!! WE CAN BROTHER. TOGETHER WE CAN!!!

1 Like

Man, this sounds a lot like me back then when I was stuyding. I would have documents and learning material open, feel like “I don’t feel like doing this anymore” and just go straight to the sites, do PMO and then not really study either. Perhaps you feel the same: we want to study but we are not studying (instead it’s youtube, messengers, porn sites etc.) and we are not even enjoying our time either (because enjoying free time doesn’t look like that). Honestly, back then this behavior didn’t stop until I finished my degree… I hope you can do better. Block all distractions when studying, maybe try using ear plugs and have others be able to look at your screen so you stay accountable. I remember that it was also easier for me to study when I stayed right there in the university, did my things and then went home a bit later. Take care of this, because stress from studying can be very harmful for nofap.

Good luck.

2 Likes

That’s the problem dude, I’m stuck at home. No way out. This sucks, but I must figure it out, somehow or the other

1 Like

Hi brother… It’s good to see that you analyzed everything… this is really going to help you… I always do this…everytime figuring out some new mistakes…patterns… and then taking measures to curb that… It helps us to know ourselves better.

  • You can use PROMODORO technique… or just make slots on your own…but remember to not watch youtube in breaks…

  • Also do not aim for long hours initially…make a target of 1 hours like 2 x 30 minutes …and follow it…

  • When you study…read loudly… and try to write something…you will learn better and also do not fell boring…(But this simple thing is not easy…becoz it requies effort and then we tend to procrastinate in it and avoid this…thinking we can study without it too)

  • Do not sit comfortably or in one position for long… do 15 minutes sitting and then stand up for another 15 minutes and then you can sit on bed or anywhere else… or use walking in your room while studying if it suits you.

  • Remember to intake water in between…specially in noon time… Take a bottle and then drink that water sip by sip…and then after some time again take some sips…and in around 1 or 2 hours finish that 1 litre bottle … I think you can understand what I want to say …also you will have to urinate number of times which also break that mundane thing while sitting at a place and study.

About will power thing brother… It is better to distract your mind when you feel urges… and ask for help here (Again this looks simple but our brain convince us to not do these things)

Take care…all the best

3 Likes

What device did you relapse using @neetwarrior
Was it your phone?

Yes @Ash_Matt it was my phone.

1 Like

Bro then use digital well being and a blocker app like blocksite with a password you don’t know but someone else does
On my phone I have disabled Google, YouTube, social media and also locked the above. This has reduced my relapses. Its inconvenient but completely worth it.
Inconvenient becuase I don’t even have the option to google search in my phone but great becuase then I don’t fap

3 Likes

Wow, I really didn’t think of that! I could make myself accountable to my family, and they can supervise what I search and when I do it! That’s genius, @Ash_Matt thankyou! I will get blocksite first thing tomorrow and hit you up.

3 Likes