Yes guys, I did it. I fell in the lines of battle. Just 11 days of hard streak and I fapped to porn. Multiple times at that too. This happened some time ago. The reason I took this long to write this confession was because I was broken, and needed time to heal. There is no place for emotion in the fields of battle. I wanted to get my feelings and high ass junkie brain under control. I would be of no use to anybody with an emotional rant or as a crying baby. I reset the streak 2 days ago and started on my journal, but I really won’t get anywhere if I don’t level with myself completely, keep totally true to myself, hold myself accountable and responsible.
This is my analysis after sometime of clear thinking and considerably reduced brain fog.
- YouTube thumbnails. Yeah, and it was the littlest thing too. Don’t want to talk about it. Keep YouTube AND GOOGLE FUCKING SEARCH in restricted mode, even if hell freezes over.
- Frustration while study. I have observed that whenever I feel difficult or hit even a slight wall while studying (which is an unavoidable process and a part of learning) my brain seeks an escape because it gets lazy af, can’t take the little effort to figure the material out. It seeks a quick escape and I have been continuously feeding it in the form of fapping, even without porn. I really don’t have a clear idea how to counter this yet, so any input will be so welcome.
Minor Triggers and faults
- Sitting comfortably in bed. The fucking “chill” pose.
- Morning time : I was running on willpower fumes without a decent breakfast. I really understand willpower better now. Your body needs fuel to keep the willpower reserves up. There’s no way around this. As you wake up in the morning, your willpower reserves MUST be refueled in one way or another. Shower in the morning, talk to people in the morning, waking up early isn’t gonna mean shit if I’m doing it to fap.
- DiD not use any resources available to me. I had the companion app, telegram accountability group, and a partner’s whatsapp contact. It’s like I wanted to die. I successfully resisted the urges by meditation at night, before sleeping, then got overconfident and arrogant. I feel like the soldier from “Saving Private Ryan” whose helmet protected him in the first headshot, then he removed the helmet to flex how lucky he was, and immediately got his brains blown out like a fucking moron.
- Kept reading in bed. The bedroom is fucking off limits. Lock it up if you have to, you ain’t going in there unless it’s 2300 and you’re going to sleep. And the phone stays outside!
These mistakes WILL NOT BE REPEATED. I died in
battle, like an idiot, like the rookie I am. I made all these rookie mistakes and the elites, the veterans are probably facepalming as you guys read this. I’m really sorry I let you all down, @Tagore @edistoretto you guys had really high hopes for me. I thought I could ride the wave to an amazing streak and perfect reboot, right off the bat on my first try, but obviously I couldn’t.
I have decided to make serious changes to my routine and habits. I will also be starting my journal. These two days have been hell. But I have sharpened the swords, rebuilt the armour, mended my shields (atleast, I think, no way to be sure) and I’m going into battle. I will also be resetting the streak counter at 2300 today night, to really mark the beginning. Monk mode, total abstinence, and work. Hard. Raw. Unfiltered. Fuck comfort. Fuck convenience. Fuck escapes. Above all, Fuck YOU my demons. This time, I’m coming for YOU.