Day 31
I woke up a little late because i was busy yesterday with understanding CD money accounts and savings in general. 2 days ago I transferred some money to a high yield savings. Best decision in my opinion while in my journey. So far I feel less the crave for lusting after woman. I feel more the wanting to talk to girls like a human should, or if i interact with a female I would talk to them in person rather than online, but i think in general I feel like I donât need a GF at the moment, i feel less and less the need to want them the more I go into this journey.
I literally got a dating ad yesterday lol 
I was curious so I clicked, but I didnât take it seriously as I would if I wasnât in this journey. So I feel blessed because i feel less tempted.
Things to do today:
- Work on car project
- Read book
- Meditation
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Day 40
Dont look back!!!
Yeah thatâs right. I will keep moving forward. No matter what. The pain I feel today to M or watch K is only temporary but the pain of wasting ones life is a lifetime.
Today I felt some urges to M but I remembered why I am doing this. At times i was thinking to myself that maybe I canât produce sperm anymore if I keep not touching myself. But itâs only an excuse my mind is using. I still do get erections but itâs lesser than it was because I am not thinking of woman really sexually as I once was. A mans erections mostly happens at night though when he sleeps. As long as he has a good diet and blood flow to his body then his bodily functions should be fine.
My morning diet: drinking a blend of beetroot, banana, papaya. Helps the bloodflow circulation. Yes it causes you to have urges but I learned that itâs okay because bloodflow is life. Just accept it.
June 30th is my mother birthday.
What I will do today:
- Finish my homework for java class
- Workout for a bit not intense.
- Do some meditative breathing exercises.
All for now and celebrating with my mother.
Rule for parties donât drink too much
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Take not your past. Your past doesnât exist because there is only now. The past is only lived experience but itâs not what you are. Itâs only a tool to become better. Take with you what is now, now and only now is you. Nothing else. Not even tomorrow is you. Tomorrow is uncertain. NOW.
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Damn. I just relapsed. I watched Korn but not hardcore and even M. I was having a tough stable mind couple days because i was thinking too much over the future, I was thinking negative about my course Iâm taking, doubt took over me and even a bit of blind ambition along with some narcissist attitude took over me, thinking I didnât need to work that hard or do much effort for my goals because it will take a long time. I was too focused also on the money I had and itâs good to manage your money but when you are too focused on it, it makes you feel like now doesnât matter as much and the future matters more. Which will distract you and eventually cause overthinking to yourself on things you cannot control, when the now is what will determine our destiny. But there needs to be a balance of course but Now needs more focus on. I said to myself, Whatâs the point. When I relapsed I still didnât see the point of all those videos. It was just a bunch of distractions and hypnosis. At one point I signed up for an AI Girlfriend which was on impulsive. Also it didnât help that I slept late after my momâs birthday party and didnât do the breathing exercises whenever the feeling to relapse takes place. All that came together to me relapsing. The good thing is that I am not as attached to Korn as I once was and my mindset has changed dramatically since then so that relapse only serves to me as a learning experience.
I actually feel some motivation to improve even though I relapsed. I feel like interacting with real woman rather than a dumb screen. So my mindset hasnât changed. Korn is just a way to avoid the real world. Korn gets you nowhere. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on now and forget your worries because itâs a waste of time. I noticed when I focused more on the now, I didnât relapse at all. That was my mistake.
âDonât worry about tomorrow and yesterday the past, only nowâ I will live by these words because itâs true and prevents one from relapse. Prevents doubts.
New habits that I must do:
- Have a good sleep schedule even with alarm.
- Exercise 3 times per week, doesnât have to be intense always.
- Do breathing exercises whenever in stress or feeling to relapse.
- Focus on the now, not tomorrow or past and focus on those worries. Donât overthink. Just do what you need to do now and that is all what you are responsible for in this existence.
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2024 Personal counter: copy and paste
(July month)
Weekly meditation practices streak( atleast once per week or mid-day everyday)
Week 1 - 1
Week 2 -
Week 3 -
Week 4 -
Week 5 -
No PMO hard mode: day 0
KORN free video content: 0 days
Free from temptations of lust in media(images, videos on YouTube,etc.) that leads to relapse without korn:
day 0
Goal: good sleep schedule and manage media use
Screen time on phone daily goal: 0<2hrs, average of 125 minutes max using âstay freeâ stat app.
4.Must stay within range***
Per week or month counter phone use:
Week: I used my phone here and there but not all day. I was busy with some search on different skills to gain like digital art or coding and also part was doing assignments and reading.
Month of March total -
Number of relapses in year total: estim. 11 times Approx.
Progress***
((Try to keep korn free always no matter what and masturbating ))
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Relapsing to Korn feels like shit the next day you wake up. Lethargic energy and you feel like a pile of trash that needs to be cleaned out. You feel overstimulated and you canât put your mind to ease when you wish to sleep. This must stop.! Dumb energy given by this trash of an activity. Relapsed yesterday again, my mind was just overstimulated. Even after Korn and M I couldnât sleep. I kept watching YouTube videos until 4 a.m. last night. My mind was just stimulated. Eventually I had to put calm music to sleep. I still feel like trash once I woke up this morning.
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Day 2
I feel better with a little more energy than previous days when I relapsed. But I will try to sleep on time that way I get the most energy for my day. I did a nice workout session today like did 120 pushups, 100 curl ups and 50 sit-ups or so. I also did cardio yesterday, did more muscle intense workout today. I felt good the workout I did, I did the most muscle workout today. It was a good day. I also ate lots of food.
I organized how many days I should workout as well. 4 days a week would be nice.
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Day 4
We went to this italian restaurant yesterday. We had a good time. We came home a bit late. I was dancing with the family.
Today I want to catch up with some homework assignments and a little cardio if possible. I do feel my sexual energy growing today.
Reduce phone use as much as possible is the goal
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Day 6
Yesterday I was fixing the door of the bathroom and did some car project. I felt like a go getter. I did have random boners throughout the day lol.
Also the more you stay away from the media or phone use the more your brain can get back to normal in terms of overstimulation. Our phones is one of the greatest stimulants and itâs addictive especially if your into news and different topics on YouTube.
The goal is to not use the phone as much and catch up with our current goals. The More you focus on current goals the more you will be less likely to relapse.
Today I plan to do some homework assignments, fix some yard work stuff and go to church this morning 
. I feel less urges today. I just feel like doing stuff. But I must stop using phone alot to transfer this energy into my goals.
Things to do:
- Church
- Do homework
- Fix some yard work stuff.
- Meditative breathing exercises
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I relapsed yesterday because I was looking at woman I found attractive for about 2 hours on my laptop. I had a list of artists or singers that I found attractive and so I saw it and decided well why wonât I take a look at it. I did just that but I guess the attractiveness I found with them was too much to bear for me. Especially if you suddenly feel lustful after looking at all of your favorite woman you find attractive. It felt like a dating app except it was ranking woman artist or singers. This caused me to relapse and eventually watch Korn again.
I decided I wonât pay attention to woman I find attractive because this should come to me naturally and trying to be perfectionist with my attractive feelings for a girl is a waste of time when I could be doing something else with my time.
**Cutting phone use will reset overstimulated mind and cause you to be less overstimulated as a result bringing your mind to get back to normal.
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Day 0
After my relapse. I wanted to wake up quicker even though I woke a little late. I texted a friend online and checked some notifications but then I immediately went to get my breakfast smoothie and then did a nice cardio workout with some intense exercises for arrms for 1 hour. I felt pumped to get it done, I just wanted to get back to my confident self and show the addiction whose the boss. Did 100 pushups, 50 curl ups and 2 mile run on treadmill. I also took a nice warm shower first after I did workout and then I turned it to cold after a while. I had a boner while the water was cold which I found strange, I just felt relaxed in that cold water especially in this heat we have in California so I guess there are other ways to get boners other than a female body.
Motto of the day - âfocus focus focusâ
Things to do today:
- Do exercise
- Do assignments
- Do meditative breathing exercises
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Day 7
I feel a little more motivated to get things done. I woke up at 8 a.m. today. I have another phone that is kind of wrecked that has an alarm clock on it, only use it for that to wake up at 8 a.m. I did a nice workout cardio and intense exercise yesterday. I also reduced phone use but I was caught off guard by political news lol.
Today :
- Assignments
- Update picture of self
- Clean inside car
- Do meditative breathing
**Reduce phone use to 1 to 2 hours everyday. Nothing more.
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Day 0
I relapsed 2 days ago. I wasnât concentrating in my goal enough. I was just getting distracted by what I witnessed with Korn addiction a few days back. I guess the curiosity to view more types of woman got to me, it was telling me that I should look at more other types of woman to sexualize when I already did many times over the years. It was a way for my Brain to trick me. It takes time to desexualize the brain, it needs time to destimulate and stimulate with better proactive things.
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Day 9
Thinking more about my desires and my goals to accomplish. I did a good workout exercise yesterday. I was thinking recently that I need to learn to control and use my mind more. Itâs not a good thing if I have muscles and donât know how to control myself or how to use my mind. I would say even someone who doesnât workout who knows how to control his mind and emotions can be greater than someone who has muscles and doesnât know how to do that. I think previously I was using workout as an excuse to ignore my mental progress that I need to work on. Kind of like coping for my own masculinity progress that includes the mind and the only thing quick my mind thought was masculine was just working out. Workout is great but I feel you need more than just that. Especially if one doesnât know how to socialize well or control their emotions. Etc.
Donât cope, confront.
*Just reminder to self
Todayâs list:
- Eat a good breakfast
- Play with the cat for a bit
- Meditate outside for a bit in backyard
- Update school classes
- Read like actually read but if itâs hard listen to some calm music as background. No excuses.
- learn social skills like comedy, write diary social experience, and figure out how to speak clearly and talk better and not look always so serious in conversation. Very important.
- Do some drawing, practice if have time
- learn some math, code work and structure of a motor or a generator. **Background music if need it. Mind hates silence for some reason.
- Wash car
And if I am done with all that soon I will keep writing more things to do.
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Day 5
I feel way better than when I have relapsed. When I relapsed 5 days ago I felt groggy, tired, lack of motivation, depressed, suicidal, and just a Korn freak. Watching other guys do woman and being a simp simp simp! And even if it wasnât that if it was a woman doing herself in front of you what have you gained?
For in the bible it even says that it is better for a man to marry a woman than to burn with passion and lose his ways. That is how serious it is for a man who canât have self control and lose his eyes for God. But clearly in Ephesians Paul suggests that it is better to learn to use self control, it isnât a commandment to get married, but he recommends to stay single and focus on God and discipline. He says that we all have different gifts as well and that some have self control and some were not called for marriage. Unless we are ready for it. If we do marry, we should know what it brings.
I feel that eye of the tiger coming back to me and I can feel my inner motivator or self motivator coming back slowly but surely. I am also getting more close to my faith in God and following his ways compared to last time. Having more focus on your foundation is important. Mind over matter of this world! Amen.
âa man with no muscle but the strongest mind is more dangerous and respected.â
Today:
- Good exercise
- Reading
- Some rest
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Day 0
No discipline no discipline! All motivation but no discipline!
Thatâs why you fell down. Too lazy to get the rest you need to sleep on time and get good enough sleep!
Donât focus on others including girls. Just focus on yourself. You are a house under construction. How the F do you think you can bring a woman in your life now then? You can bring guy friends to hang that lift you up instead. Keep growing because it will all be worth it. Not worth it for others but for you! The better you feel about yourself, the More you start to improve. Donât compare yourself to other people because they always going to say things that make them feel so high almighty! Especially in todayâs culture. Itâs all about respect. Respect everyone, you can be friends with girls just donât take things seriously for now until you get you out the Korn gutter and constant jerking off rollercoaster.
What I did today:
After such a relapse last night. I felt like doing a good workout of cardio for 30 minutes and then for 20 minutes do some pushups and sit-ups. I felt pumped which is the after affects of the relapse but also I felt a different feeling. I felt more determined to do this journey. I kept saying in my mind âdiscipline not motivationâ and âno painâ and âthereâs no tomorrow!â Even now I have it in my head.
I think I will delete pictures as well I have in my computer of hot gorgeous woman since they can also be triggers even if they arenât nude. Not sure what the Bible says about having pictures of woman in computer but I would assume if we look at it in a perverse fetish way then it can lead to lust. Remember, we need to do whatever it takes to get rid of the Korn addiction. Besides you donât need those photos because you already know what type of woman you find attractive. You donât need pics to valid it. You will find the woman of your desire in the future and it will happen naturally actually without forcing it, thatâs how it should happen otherwise it is all systematically humanly constructed which perverses the way we think of woman as this object we like based on physicality rather than what their personality is like. So even though I like pale woman skin and smooth skin on woman with long hair, these things should not have dominion of our view on woman in total especially in this journey of enlightenment. So thereâs no need to have those attractive pics because you will naturally know and wonât be forced as it should be. Otherwise we will cut potential people that might meet our criteria for an attractive woman just because we are focusing so much on the physical. So yeah just to remind myself.
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