I might not be able to do this daily, but I will use this format whenever I update on this forum. I’ve been trying to quit this bad habit for 3 years, have tried something as small as blockers to as far as telling a friend about it. I’ve always convinced myself that this was normal, almost everyone does this, it’s not a big deal, all the typical excuses you tell yourself just to do it only to feel miserable later on. At first it wasn’t as frequent, hence I thought I had it under control, but fast forward to now I’m basically doing it once a day everyday, sometimes I’m able to not do it for a day or two (because I actually don’t feel like it), only to relapse soon after. And sometimes, even tho I don’t feel like doing it, I still do it anyway, and I just want it to stop. I really wanna help myself. So I’m hoping this’ll finally be it. God, I want a family someday, and I’ve always dreamed of having a daughter, I don’t deserve any of that til’ I’m able to stop this. Everyday I can feel myself getting weaker and more vulnerable. I can’t afford to go to therapy just yet but I can at least start with this. And for anyone out there like me who really wants to get rid of this disgusting habit, feel free to check up on this diary, hoping you could gain something from what I’ll be writing in.
Valentine’s Day. The urge definitely might feel strong on this day, it’s the day of Love & Romance after all. But I guess it’s a good thing that work was a lot more stressful today that I didn’t want to do anything else other than to try and take a breather, hoping to get by the day. Two days prior to my “journey”, I’m definitely feeling a great amount of energy I need to disperse, no it’s not an urge for something sexual or anything like that, but rather just energy to do something, anything. I did spend most of my time drawing a digital portrait of a certain manga character that I wanted to give to a person dear to me, happy to report that I finished it and I already sent her the drawing, but she has yet to respond. This day has been very very tiring, and with the problems I’m facing at work, man, I just hope I can get by everyday.
A few hours to 10 days, if I’m not mistaken the longest time I’ve reached without masturbating is around 2 weeks (14 days), but back then I was still consuming pornographic materials, it’s like poking a bear with a stick and just trying not to let something bad happen. But now, everyday is a new record for the number of days without masturbating AND consuming porn on purpose. And I’ve only observed now, the changes I never noticed before. The urge is still there, the feeling of horny is still there, and I still have dirty sexual thoughts, sometimes I have them on purpose but never acting on them, and I only hope I could keep this up until I’m no longer reliant or seeking porn. I’m not anti-masturbation (in a sense, or for now at least) because I do see the benefits of such activity (so long as you don’t use porn for it), but I am anti-porn, and I also agree that masturbation shouldn’t be done on a regular basis. Too much of anything is ALWAYS BAD. My goal is only to remove the habit/addiction in which I no longer have to “do it” because I’m addicted to it, and I no longer have to rely on disgusting porn. I was able to remove my habit of drinking carbonated drinks daily 2 years ago, now I only drink carbonated drinks when I want to or if there’s an occassion, I drink mostly water now. That’s my goal here too.
Four years ago I had my first experience of a random anxiety/panic attack, and it literally changed my life. It was later diagnosed as a panic disorder or general anxiety disorder. I’d be easily scared/triggered by the most random things, even things that I don’t normally get scared of, sometimes it doesn’t even need a trigger, it just happens. My thought process changed, every single day my brain tricks or tries to convince me into thinking various “what if” scenarios as if it’s real or about to become real, like cancer or insanity, and any other illness that concerns death, be it physical or mental. Intrusive thoughts attacks everything I love, everything I am, it tries to destroy it. As I’ve said before, I never had a problem with porn and masturbation before, I had complete control over it or so I thought. But ever since I’ve become fueled by anxiety, and with the pandemic trapping me for two years, I guess it took a toll on me. I already know that even if I did become successful in doing nofap, problems will still be there, but I hope to save enough money to get myself to therapy one of these days. And I did to get better in handling my anxiety, it’s not as crippling as before, I know how to deal with it now, but I still have some days where it feels overwhelming. To anyone who’s had the same problems/issues, hang on. No, it doesn’t get better, not on it’s own, but it CAN get better.