I started watching porn when I was really young after finding out that you could clear the search history, back then I could watch a naked picture of a girl and cum in 3 seconds but through out the years the desire for more explicit content grew stronger. I went from from looking on girls masturbating to girls being totally humiliated in porn videos where the girls seemed to be in more pain than actually enjoying it.
I first found out about my addiction when I had sex for the first time, I did not enjoy it at all, I was dissapointed, I could not even ejaculate. Since I could only ejaculate while masturbating to porn I saw the connection between porn and my problem and found out about the site yourbrainonporn after some googling. Which changed my view a lot on porn and made me more aware of my behaviour.
In the 3 past years I’ve been off porn for weeks and even months (which has showed results) and when I watch porn it’s not as frequent as before. BUT It always small things like a sexy bikini picture on tv, social media, half nude girls in store posters that makes it so hard quitting. Everything is porn nowadays and my brain use that against me. It always manage to trick me when I’m bored with “it’s okay if you don’t masturbate”, “one time doesn’t hurt”, even though I’m full aware of that it only takes one relapse for me to be searching for the same old content again.
For the last year I’ve been together with my partner, today the sex part is not a problem anymore and the struggle with relapsing only occures when we don’t have had sex for a while, like when we are away from each other, been fighting over something or when one of us is too busy studying. Even though I’m just searching 1-3 times a month it makes me feel more anxious and less confident the 2-4 comming days after.
My goal is to stop falling back into the same pattern and follow the normal mode. I believe sex 1-2 times a week is okay since it makes it easier to stay away, it also makes me feel more confident and feel closer to my partner, which is the opposite to porn, which create a distance to my feelings and it makes me feel more apathetic.
I’ve only had this app for 4 days now (since my last relapse) and I have seen some great advices how to encounter these methods the brain uses to trick you into watching porn. I think it’s a great idea to keep track of the last time you relapsed and reading stories of other people in worse or in the same situation to gain new experience on how to stay away.
