Today's Dairy (M21): Pornographic thoughts are a huge problem

Pornography has damaged my brain so badly that I can not stop thinking about it, specially when I wake up in my bed and have strong urges. A couple of weeks ago I have tried to clear my mind by writing these fantasies down on paper, but it got worse, as I got more and more sexual ideas to write and fantasize, which led to watching porn and masturbate. Total waste of time and energy. So that is something I am going to avoid in the long term. When I wrote down my fantasies, I tried to write it as a screenplay, about what the actors/actresses are going to say and what they will do, what positions they will move in and what the camera is going to focus on… There were lots of cursing, c*ck this, p**sy that, etc. Then i realized that the screenplay is going to take a long time to finish, my brain will trick me to prioritize this script than my studies, and i never finished writing ACT 1 featuring a lawyer and his secretary (you get the idea) in 20 pages! That would never end. This showed me how weak i am, still, and need to strengthen my mind and my manners. I find it quite interesting, however, to experiment on what triggers me so that i could evade from them, and yet i have to relapse every time i do it.

One major reason that i wrote this lousy screenplay was that, earlier this year around day 30 of my streak before i relapsed, i would feel free and my brain tricks me to try something. As if it would be something new, research pornography manuscripts, how to write the scenes and reach out to porn producers, get paid for writing something so time consuming and yet worthless. You can even write your darkest fantasies and would never get accepted (according to one user on reddit).

When i was barely awake, the strong urges i had from morningwood to sexual toughs, lead me to the idea to rewrite the screenplay and finish it when i had interest on it, which i never intent to do. I kept fantasizing, paralyzed by these filthy thoughts until i felt numb. Numb before i said to myself “STOP” with a big red traffic sign and stayed up to go wash my face. Why? Because of two screenplay acts i fantasized for this non-planned screenplay, while feeling numbness. And this was horrific and very dark, made me remember the horrible side of hardcore pornography, such as humiliation, objectifying women, sex-trafficking and sex-enslavement, cuckold acts, incest, promote rape and label it as “punishment”, diabolic and wicked acts of pornography, “barely legal” labeled productions, you name it…

The way pornographic contents has damaged my brain is hard to explain and lots of PMO-victims have experienced this. I realize it will take months to recover, but the best part is to seek support from others who truly understand. I shared my PMO-story to my mom, and luckily she is so sweet and sensitive towards her children with good care, that she understand what i am going trough, even when porn and masturbation is a religious sin. I shared a summary of my PMO-story to a couple of friends and they fortunately support me with the intent to keep it as a secret (however, i think they forgot about it, but at least i have shared my problems with some people outside of my family circle who knows what NoFap is about and what it contributes to). Thus, i have felt some small changes, such as i get more attention around me, i feel woke, i have full energy to train harder and have higher testosterone levels. I am less tired and have less anxiety, i laugh a lot and find the time to organize myself to study, my skin is almost out acne and is glowing. In addition to many other factual benefits of NoFap, i can say on this 16th day, i feel good and energetic. Share your story to your GF, your wife, your brother, your best friend, your mom, whoever you think will understand you, keep it as a secret and give you full support. And if bad things related to PMO is about to happen, you know someone who is at least supporting you and PMO-victims on the other side of the planet is having a harder time and wishes to come further on, come as far as you came.

That is today’s issue and I hope i will never write a new god damn pornographic screenplay and/or relapse. I have done the latter to much, it was almost seven years ago i started to masturbate, and started to watch the first pornographic content back when i was 8-9 years old. And i cannot give up on abstaining from PMO. I need to find myself in that world we live in, find out how mentally strong i am with out PMO, find the love of my life and achieve my future dream work and plans.

Thanks for reading.

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Thank You for sharing Your story! Keep fighting brother, there is always hope and fighting only makes us stronger! The benefits of nofap is limitless!

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Interesting story.

You have courage to tell to others people IRL what you are going through, respect.
Your brain is damaged like all porn users, but you can see that porn is extremely violent and useless, some people are saying it’s healthy even if it’s some kind of raping …
At least you can see that and that’s a huge benefit in the first place.

And you have courage to go out of porn , some people doesn’t.
Maybe today is the time you will write the story of your life ?

Whatever you do, respect for admiting this and for you trying to change it, you can succeed :slight_smile:

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I think you make a really important point about the way that our brains attempt to trick us back into porn via random routes, such as your screenplay. In my case “safe” image searches have often been my downfall, as has “testing” myself to prove how strong I’ve become.

When your brain has become dependant on porn for the dopamine it gives you, even thinking about porn will cause a dopamine release and begin to get you excited. The sad reality is that our brains will continue to try and trick us until they’ve learnt to manage without porn. Sometimes this can take years. In the meantime, there is simply no level of sexual fantasy or behaviour that is safe, except sex with another person, as part of a loving relationship.

You’ve done really well to recognise the tricks your brain is trying to play on you. Keep going, and never let your guard down.