Time to change ..😊 (calmself's diary)

[calmself]

Hello
Just a note to myself
If I dont take my life under control now
Soon I’ll be leaving the world forever
Leaving my family in the ocean of tears
Regretting their very moment of life

Its painful to lead the life at present
Its painful to imagine the future
Just grudging over the past
Will make no difference at last

To change the future
I must take strict action presently
Orelse the grave yard has reserved
A prebooked seat for me

This was an instant one
No modification

Okay
I have long miserable life
Will tell with time so that I can feel better and others can take a lesson

Day 0 begins now and not tomorrow fresh
To every 1 like me who used to think u will start a fresh tom
No do it now or dont do it at all
Coz tomorrow will never come
U will keep postponing it so
If u dare to do it do it now
That’s all

[calmself]

My targest will be
No youtube other than studies (if necessary)(only 30 mins of entertainment allowed)
No gaming online (more than 30 mins a day)
No porn
No mastrubation
No peeking

I have to go hard on myself
The reason being my resent regret
I had my professional exams
Which is my 3rd attempt
Doing ca inter
1st attempt only one group 10 % preparation and scored 193
2nd attempt nothing much changed in preparation and still 191
3rd attempt I prepared like 40% of grp 1 and I doubt clearing

I was never like this
I never wanted to be this way
I became like this due to porn in my 7th std
And parents smart phone in 8th
First got hooked to porn and gaming
Then after clearing 10th for the first time got to know about youtube
Then created Facebook
But now I’m 20 years
Wasted more than 1 and half year
Not too late for my age but if I dont make things right the above poem of mine might come true😂

[calmself]

So why I regret
While in 0 % prepared for group two I was again thinking to not give exam
But my gf forced me to do so
I cry during study hours
I cry while sitting in exam hall
I just fill papers with no sense of satisfaction
The financial status is getting worse at home
But still I’m hooked to these stuffs
It hurts not doing the papers well
Because I have no option in life other than ca exams
And I’m just ruining my life
Though I know this it isn’t helping me
So yeah it’s important for me to do it the hard way
Because doing the soft way didnt work
Because all acted as triggers
Which i must avoid
So yeah let’s gooooooo🙂

All the best to every 1

[vickyx]

@calmself

poem of mine might come true😂

Didn’t realised it was a poem until you told…
And don’t worry bro, I know it’s easy to say but what else can you do in such situation. Just keep holding on, this shall pass too.

[calmself]

Haha
My bad
Lost the hang of writing anything creative
Been a long long long time

[calmself]

1st day
Going painful
Not because of urges
But sitting at the exam centre
Waiting for exams to start
But knowing nothing related to exam
It hurts that way
But its okay
I deserve it presently
But I must learn a lesson that I dont repeat these things in future…

Game (less than 30 mins )(will not repeat this )
YouTube non educational (less than 30 mins)
No peeking
No relapse✅
Exercise
Meditation - 2 to 5 mins (didnt count actually )
Cold shower (I’m loving it )
Spiritual (going to temple is like a routine )need to start reading spiritual books
Studies (had exam and fucked up )but after going home will start and will update tom (tired due to travelling)
No screen time after 8❌(I’ll work on this)

Few things I’ll update tom
I hope I keep the same spirit on

Summarised
Day 1 was filled with self guilt , pain but still satisfied that I didnt run away like most people did
I’m better
I’m happier

[calmself]

Sorry guys
Relapsed yesterday
But back to nofap today
Day 0
But I’m stronger …

[calmself]

Hello
Relapsed yesterday
Reason being I again started playing codm
And then I couldn’t study
And then study pressure though I know I’ll fail coz didnt revise in last 1 year
But I started making excuses to myself
And so relapsed
Sorry guys
I’ll do better from now

[calmself]

Day 1
I feel this is the right time for me to change

change how?
I just cant stay without binge watching webseries or youtube or playing game when I have so much to do in life

My exams will end today
Did miserable in grp 2
So now less exam pressure
I have a spiritual trip coming in 5 days for 6 days
So I quit playing games and watching youtube
I mean it
The withdrawal symptoms will be huge
Ik
But if I dont try I wont achieve
If not now
Then there is no better time
So here I go
Exception : youtube only for business related stuffs and classes and that too on brothers laptop

So here I go
Day 1

[calmself]

To come to my decision to quit was a difficult one
I started journaling my thoughts
I asked myself few questions
Q1 why do I game or yt or pmo
Escapism from real life as it makes me believe I’m the king where as in real life I m just a lazy asshole
Q2 How do I want to see myself in future

Option 1 : loser in career and life and just gaming while my parents work hard and one day they decide to abandon me coz they cant take care of me forever I must take care of them
No love life
No friends
Just virtual friends

Option 2 : have my own enterprise
Spend time with family
Explore world with family rather than virtually

I want to have a life of option 2

Q3 will i be able to quit all these together
I never tried whole heartedly how will i know
And every time tried quitting one but relapsed due to the other
So let’s go with a positive note that I m strong enough to quit at once
I’m strong enough to bear the withdrawal symptoms
I’m stronger than what I think
Each one of us is more stronger than presently what we think

[calmself]

Q4 do I want a happy life or no
OBVIOUSLY YESSS
I want to be happy in life
I want to enjoy my life
I just dont want to lose this opportunity that I’ll be getting now
I have wasted 1 year presently due to all these
This one year may become 1 and half year if I dont clear grp 1
But I’m just 21 now a bit late but not too late to make things correct
So i need to make change now orelse life is ruined
Presently i feel it’s not ruined

Now every 1 need not take such hard steps
If u guys have a good control on urself then very nice
For me it’s impossible to have a control presently
May be once I break through instant gratification things I can get a control
If not it’s absolutely fine

[calmself]

The reason I’m writing in parts
Because I tend to skip long posts
I dont want any 1 reading this to feel the same
So that they can learn from my mistakes

Will I be quitting all these forever

I think no for presently but it depends

I would love to games in future
But it would be with friends and family in the living room on a play station while mocking my noob friends or vice versa
Not brainlessly zombie gaming alone on my phone

Instead of binge watching on youtube
I would prefer going to a theater to watch a movie with people , family, friend or by myself

[calmself]

Talking about binge watching webseries
I haven’t watched any webseries in past 1 and half month minimum
Plus I was going through a post somewhere
There are so many good webseries and movies to watch
That this life time is not sufficient to watch them all
And every now and then new amazing webseries keep coming so the list keeps getting bigger

Here and then 1 or two episodes a month is fine
But never to watch alone for me
As I still feel I cant control my behaviour for all these things

But I just cant put my life into these stuffs
Which I may not remember at all and also which gives mo purpose other than entertainment

So now I have seen few posts where people tell quitting all these =》detoxing from dopamine
Then don’t eat or do anything coz all those activities give dopamine

[calmself]

So I would tell I prefer playing badminton with family and friends rather than playing games
I would prefer watching tv or chit chatting with fam and friends rather than binge watching webseries and po*n and related stuffs

For other modes of entertainment
I love going to a movie
I love eating new dishes
I love going shopping

And none of the above have I done in past 3 years

So there are so many good things to do in life
Then why go for loneliness

I chose my lifestyle
I need to work hard on it
I’m willing to do it
Just ask urself few questions
Then u will know why u r doing it
So that’s all I guess
Stay strong guys
We just cant keep relapsing
The cycle of relapsing and try again must end somewhere
And by this I mean end to relapsing and not try again
So we can and we must do it

[calmself]

Sorry for so many things at once if any 1 feels bored
I just wanted to tell what I realised
So that’s it guys
Thank you
Day 1 here I come

[calmself]

Hello
Just finished my exams
Though I was 0 % prepared
I did well
I’m so happy that I didnt skip this attempt
If I would have skipped now
Then i would have to bear the pain in next attempt and it would have continued
So happy a bit
Now left games and youtube cold Turkey
While travelling to exam hall
My hand went inside my pocket to use phone many times but then I used my other hand and stopped
It was like animation type
But it’s easy to say no to phone
But it needs will power

Just opened play store while travelling to exam hall
It was very difficult to say no to tempting games

But did it easily for today

Now while travelling back I had urge to out game on download and play after reaching home as exams are over so I can enjoy for today atleast

But no coz I know myself very well
If I enjoy today then I’ll play tom and it will get more difficult to quit
So no

Now I feel restless
So let’s go out and hog on pani puri or masala puri
So let’s go
Day 1
No to pmo✅
No to games
No to youtube

Feels good
Let’s goooooooo

[calmself]

So had street food
Feeling better
Day 1 was tough coz quitting games and youtube too
Had thoughts of downloading again and using them
But didnt

Now why cant I stay without them
I just cant bear with having unused data
It feels so bad to not exhaust data
I guess its something different but yeah
I need to use my data entirely everyday
This was the case b4
But I’m not downloading games or youtube
Let’s go and have fun with family

Day 1 smashed
Stay strong
Now time to leave phone for today
Detox at 8
Good night

[calmself]

Day 2
At home
Have lots of data left so thought of downloading games
It’s too damn difficult to control the urge to play games
But haven’t given in to the urges
So let’s gooooo

2.26 PM
Strong urges to download and play game
Strong urge to watch youtube videos
But no urges for pmo coz I need above two more than pmo
But not giving myself even those above two
Not atleast today

[calmself]

Sorry had to reset the counter
Though I didnt relapse coz of porn or mastrubation
But I watched youtube for 10 mins approx max (timepass)
So here I start again
I wont do it again
Day 1