TheCharasmaticMedic's Journal

Diary
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Hello to whom it may concern,

My name is TheCharismaticMedic (or at least I wish to become this) and I have decided to try and record my current in depth experiences with nofap. I have currently at the time of writing been attempting to quit pmo cold turkey for about 10 months or so. Current record is 2 weeks (14 days) and need to get to 90 days. However, have been reaching around 5-7 days in length as of recently. With this in mind I have determined that the cause is a mixture of loneliness and stress. Figuring I may do others good with possible recordings of my journey I wish to record my status of my addiction as much as possible while I recover. In turn if I achieve a streak others may follow suit.

Fair warning. My story might feel familiar or relatable to some. Yet, it is quite tragic and depressing.

So, backstory:

Thanks to anonymity of the internet I can go pretty in depth.

I come from a poor family with mixed views. A feminist mom side filled with abusive men and an old fashioned view from my dad’s side that are misogynistic and racist. Which has lead to me growing up with views that people in general can not be trusted and everyone is out to screw each other (especially fellow guys). This in turn meant I grew up with few friends to practice socializing. By the time my peers had gotten into groups I was alone and became the target of severe bullying. Guys would physically and verbally taunt me and girls wanted nothing to do with me.

I had one safe haven in the form of my neighbor, a kid about my age that I grew up. Until he had used my trust to take advantage of me and used me to s&*ually satisfy himself. Completely destroying me emotionally. I still had no other friends so I continued to be friends with the kid who eventually introduced me to pmo. I never was introduced to “vanilla” stuff. I was instead introduced to more hardcore or fantastical fetishes that I’ll reframe from labeling in case of possible triggering.

Eventually my mental deteriated to the point of suffering from OCD and was placed under heavy doses of anti-depressents. I could not feel much of any kind of emotions while taking the drug, and could only find general happiness and safety within the pmo habit that had been fueled so much that by the age of 16 I was doing it 3 to 7 times a day.

Now I’m in college and after a few more tragic events I realized that I need to improve myself. This includes the elimination of PMO which has torn me apart for about 12 years now. I made it one time to day 14 and have never felt so capable of socializing that I could have ran a party.

Plans and Goals

My goal isn’t to become the next alpha male in any capacity, but to instead improve my self-esteem and manage to create a charismatic. I also wish to get myself in a position where I may be capable of traveling around the world as I have been stuck in this awful town since I was born. Finally I have never had any kind of experience with a real girl and wish to fix that. It may sound pathetic or shallow, but that is a drivung force for that has worked for me getting into longer streaks.

I plan to break down my entries into segments on how I am doing per section:

  • status
  • mood
  • appearance
  • social
  • women
  • other benefits

I’ll try to write here when I can in order to update my status. With the goal being that I reach 90 days max. Thank you to anyone who has read my journey and keeps me in their thoughts at the very least. Your support is much appreciative and I will do my best to return the same.

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Entry 1:

This is an entry that will be a bit more in depth with my current situations and will also cover past events as well. Most of these are things others have reported on frequently the most so it allows me to break down and record my progress on each.

  • Status: currently on Day 4 hour 6 and minute 40.

  • Mood: I am currently in an okay. I have a few unwanted thoughts of fantasizing. However, usually I am quite depressed due to pmo enforcing the mindset of loneliness and isolation in order to achieve the dopamine rush that our mind creates when pmo-ing.

  • Appearance: Attempting to look at myself from an outside perspective with an onjectionable mindset is a tad difficult, but will do my best. Currently I can say I’m quite average in appearance. Thin arms with a hint of muscle definition. A face riddled with oily skin and acne. A skinny fat torso. Two normal legs. I often look at myself negatively so being more real here might inprove my overall opinion on myself.

  • Social: I do have a good amount of friends. Yet, honestly I keep telling myself I could find better ones. Often the ones I have now have a negative outlook on life and often are dependent on addictive hobbies. Including PMO with 3 of which looking up p% out in public. Eww. While I should not think ill of them so much I do want to have more supportive friends rather than ones who wish to break me down at every opportunity. I have attempted to sign up for a few clubs already, but C-19 has resulted in them going into hiatus. Maybe with boost in confidence I can grow a bigger network of trust worthy frienda that make me feel comfortable sharing these issues with instead of being reluctantly.

  • Women: You kind of often hear about this magical power to attract any and all women in life if you go on nofap. Personally I am not convinced at this time. However, will record results in order to show my experience and the fact that I want to become more engaged with the opposite gender. Currently I have been given no acknowledgement or even the bat of an eye from any girl except for those who are incredibly desperate either to find someone to support them in their hard times or an escape from their abusive partners.

  • Past with women: I have had relationships before, but have never enjoyed them. The 1st one was a loveless one made possible due to pressure from our social circle and the next 2 were abusive in some way. I’ve shamefully became a nice guy due to the heaping amounts of trauma. Which means I never quite understood women for quite awhile. Always wondering why my artful gifts of poetry and sculptures end in the trash only a few minutes later. Now I have become a bit wiser in my experience and will attempt to fix it as a result of my self improvement.

  • Note: I had recently been given a Secral chakra stone. It was meant to help balance out and improve my secral chakra due to pmo damaging it. I held on to it yesterday a few times when I gut urges. It helped quite a bit.

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My best wishes! @TheCharismaticMedic Prove yourself now.

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Entry 2

Status: 4 days 20 hours 42 minutes

Mood: Fine as of now. Though I haven’t been able to get productive for my homework.

Appearance: Still a little on the average body side. My weightlifting coach says my upper body has gotten bigger. I haven’t notice, but it did raise my confidence a smidge. Acne has bulged up a bit. Likely caused by an increase of testosterone in the system.

Social: Stuttered a bit here and there amidst conversation. Though I see it as an improvement where if I relapsed I would unintentionally create long silences and be more awkward. No new changes in friend groups, but did managed to hang out with a lot of the positive mindset people in my social group.

Women: No real changes. Probably will be like this for awhile, but there could always be the rare chance something might happen sooner.

Note: I’ll be updating this around the evening. Have it become something to reflect my day on as opposed to doing it sooner.

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Entry 3:

Status: RELAPSED. 0 Days 11 hours 5 min

Causation: Fantasizing, loneliness, and academic stress. More in depth, I do have a crush here on campus. Can’t work up the nerve to introduce myself to her (even if I did she has a big group of friends with her). So, been admiring her from afar. I know it might be best to let it go, but find it hard to do so. Maybe either because I’m stubborn or because every previous girl I’ve tried to ask out was met with rejection and rather just have this one not be ruined.

Mood: A bit inbetween relaxed and agitated. To better put it, if I am doing nothing I feel content with my inactivity but when I tried to do work I became frustrated and unable to enter a proper work flow.

Appearance: I noticed my acne going down a bit but as a trade off my skin looks oily especially around my face. Likely a cause by the adrenaline released and producing excess sweat.

Social: I am quite alright. I managed to say high a few time to strangers and friends. My interactions have been curt and up front with others. Though I am deffinetly more quiet then when I was before my relapse and always had an urge to keep to myself for today.

Women: No major changes. A girl in my friends group joined me and another guy. She is cute and I made some small talk with her but couldn’t manage any flirtatious word play or wit. Mostly just silence.

Note: I tried to put a lot of focus on the gem my instructor gave me a few days ago. Yet, it didn’t work. Though I certainly feel stronger if it is on my person I should not rely on it alone.

Note 2: I immediately for go my planned meals I had scheduled today. So, tomorrow I will have to make up for it with vitamin rich foods and healthy choices to make up for it.

I apologize to those who believed in me thus far, and will endure it all over again to continue my growth and rewiring.

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Entry 4:

Status: 1 day 13 hours 23 minutes. Going through chaser effects at the moment.

Mood: A tad depressed. Energy wasn’t all there especially with socializing. I was productive but it took a bit of effort on my end to really go and start on it.

Appearance: I have been eating an abundance of junk food so I have a bit of a gut these past 2 days. In reality it might be my depression creating negative imagery, but I still have a chubby tummy. Skin was not as oily as yesterday and the acne is not as noticeable as yesterday either which is a plus. Hair looked kind of limp and dead though, even after washing and blow drying. Don’t know if hair is correlated to PMO, but wanted to put it out there anyway.

Social: Didn’t feel energized enough to talk to anyone really. I was recluse for mosr of the day with the exception of playing video games with one friend of mine this evening

Women: No real changes.

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Entry 5:

Status: 2 days 9 hours 41 minutes. Chaser effects going on right now.

Mood: Quite depressed at the moment. Have been thinking a lot on school work and how I’ve fallen behind on it. Been bringing me down.

Appearance: Acne has gone down, face wasn’t too oily. I felt like I looked skinnier than usual. Maybe in correlation with the foul mood I’m in since logically I could not have lost muscle mass in only a few days.

Social: Been keeping to myself lately. Seen and had small talk with friends, but found it a tad hard to keep eye contact. I did manage to create a pretty in depth conversation with one on the subject of our future after college. Was pretty nice.

Women: Have not really had the thought capacity to think about women as of late. It has all been a bit too much for me lately. Even if I did nothing new has changed.

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Entry 6:

Status: 4 days 9 hours 26 minutes. Had a rough time today. Been overthinking a lot with college work and that has been fuel for urges.

Mood: I feel mixed between high strung and a bit energetic. As I said I got a bit on my mind with all my days feeling like they are going by real quick. Just need to be vigilant and break down the tasks so I don’t become overwhelmed.

Appearance: Posture feels straight. Heck today it hurts my back to slouch. Face was very oily though with a sheen close to a metal spoon. Acne is not terrible though.

Social: I stuttered and misplaced some of my words but wasn’t my worst day. Even managed to get through two whole presentations that my teacher said I did fairly well in. So, bit of a confidence boost there.

Women: No change at all. I do think my crush has gone home for the break coming up which is a plus since I don’t have her to create urges.

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Entry 7:

Status: 5 days 9 hours 15 minutes. Currently struggling today. Almost relapsed twice and have been feeling shaky. I’m also worried about a wet dream tonight.

Mood: Worried, but I’m also a tad happy. I got through a tough day andd managed to get through an important conversation that helped me figure out my career a bit.

Appearance: I haven’t changed much but seeing myself in a better light. Noticing the muscle growth my coach saw on me. Not to mention I even grew too big for one of my shirts. Face is a bit oily.

Social: Improving. I haven’t stuttered much and I have managed to speak in a higher volume for people to hear me better. Sometimes I feel self conscious but it doesn’t stay around for very long.

Women: No real changes. Had a girl in my fitness class start up small talk with me.

Note: I feel like during rough days where I might blame myself is when I start to give myself excuses to relapse the most. Something as simple like being unable to workout can be enough to make me relapse. Deffinetly something to keep in mind in the future.

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Entry 8

Status: 1 day 8 hour 4 minutes

Mood: Kind of empty. Like I can’t describe if I’m being sad or happy.

Appearance: Back home currently. I don’t have a gym to properly walk to so I feel like I won’t be able to properly keep up any of my muscle mass that I’ve tried to gain. I feel skinny. I’ve also began to break out in acne. Not sure if PMO is causing it or not.

Social: I’m getting better. Have managed to become more polite and have prolonged eye contact. I still stutter though and mumble when not focusing on it.

Women: Managed to throw a compliment to a cute girl I met. She brushed me off as soon as I gave it to her, but I give myself points for trying.

Note: Have recently gotten the confidence to get a job recently. Been working at a pizza parlor running cashier that enables me to practice spcializing. Would have never been able to do so otherwise without slowly cutting PMO out of my life.