After a few lessons…
To get a Life. To get Win.
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My exam is after two months. i must win. Ill take vengeance. I am still weak.
I cant fuck this up. I must clear this exam !
Couldnt conquer bullshit in October. No shit in November.
I got this hell paved by my sins. i cant avoid it so ill endure it. i cant crave success while serving mediocrity. This is a war and a warrior doesnt show emotions in a war.
I’ll walk through the void.. if necessary ill walk on it.
This chaos.. this potential, i see it clearly now.
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You are not weak You are not just aware how powerful you are
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DAY - 1
Instead of using phone i drew. Instead of listening to music i read. I must complete the syllabus this month with frequent revisions. Once i am done with the syllabus, ill only give mock tests from then on.
almost there yet it still feels like the horizon. A long way to go…
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Day - 4
far from light but dont want to be a rotten cabbage, gotta bring back the charm tho it was never there.
and walk though the dark regardless.
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DAY - 6
At times, grief within my melancholy memories is the only cloud that breathes life into my lifeless eyes, for whatever its worth.
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DAY - 10
cant reckon the time. the odds are slim yet the attempt remains. 52 days left, cant risk it whatsoever.
although obstacles will always persist, regardless of how harsh the current or any moment is, I must move forward.
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November 11, 2025 ( Tuesday)
Its 1:28 am. Not able to sleep, i reckon no matter how many times i said ill fix my sleep schedule, i just revised the same phrase, but actually i never really tried. Never did something so weighted that could compress my bad habits. The mediocrity, this isnt even mediocrity at this point. I dont know..i am not sure actually. My energy is my currency and im broke. To finally erase this mediocrity ill have to kill this version of mine. A snake that cant shed its skin must perish.
Writing this to remind myself, these sleepless nights are not worth anything. If iam not a “the term people use for someone who wakes up early” i still need to wake up early. Rest of the November ( 12-30) ill do 3 simple tasks daily early morning, doesnt matter if i sleep afterwards.
Between - 5 to 6:30 am
- Plan the day, to-do
- 5 minutes in balcony or anywhere (except bed/chair)
- Stretching and breathing exercise( opt: meditation)
I might change the tasks, tasks that will wake me up partially and rest is my willpower.
To get good sleep hours, ill need to correct my night schedule too. What i realised recently is that im using phone/laptop too much. The reason is boredom. I draw when i get bored so that way i can avoid screen. But i get bored of drawing too. I tried reading, writing, thinking, drawing, editing, coding etc. but i find it boring, I find new things on YouTube, chatGPT. Search new music. Thinking is infinite, but i lack the will to hold the Cosmos. To get out of this eerie feeling i must embrace this boredom or else it will devour me. Ill be sharing my screen time, i will audit. For now, 3 days no content, only create. So it will be easy if i have a goat i.e, 3 days. In these 3 days ill find the solution to get into solitude more and more. I’ll be doing 3 simple tasks before sleep.
Between - 11 - 12 am
- Journal ( reflect on it )
- Spend time alone with a pen and paper
- Reading.
For now, ill audit dopamine for 3 days, because, my mental health is no less than a rotten flesh. And again…all this willpower came from nothing/noone but the darkness.
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DAY 21
Iam crazy, a little more and im shit minded but i wont let that happen, i realized the harm before it actually happened.
The only way i see right now is, be a optimistic raven.
here comes the storm.
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i will try to post my daily planner here from sunday/monday, at least, thrice a week.
trying something new, upgrading the system, distractions comes all the way no matter how strong the system is, only way to keep it rare is improve it frequently.
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DAY - 24
and here begins the origin of pariah raven in solitude.
this will be eternal, i hope.
i gotta work.
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DAY - 1
Back to solitude.
I kinda wasted november, and it was a huge blunder and if i dont do something now it might become one of the worst blunders of my life. My exam is next month and now i have roughly 60 days left, ive been questioning many things lately, im having this urge to learn everything, to know everything and i know its making it worse. I will add my marks of mock tests here along with the journal/reflection. And if i dont, consider me a pathetic loser.
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Ive been thinking and thinking
I havent come to conclusion but i wonder
I kinda stopped doing everything ill start from today
Hmm people are weird i dont understand. I wonder what to do to make this mundane life interesting, for now ill leave everything behind. I think therefore i am. Rene Descartes, ill learn everything about him i wonder why did he say and i forgot someone who said something similar to giving false hope and then backing off after just a mere small reason. Ive been wondering why would someone who runs a shop of clothes who wants to or live to give clothes to someone who needs them strip a person whos been naked for a long time right after giving them new clothes or a farmer who owns a huge rich field and a tubewell would show a little sunlight and little water to a ruined plant just for a few seconds…
as soon as they learn something like … the person whos been naked all this time lied to the owner about something silly because the person thought they wouldn’t get to see clothes at all or the plant which is already ruined placed in a place that doesn’t come in front of the farmer’s house..as soon as they find this they back off. The reason is obviously silly , the shop owner and the farmer supposed to be mindful to these circumstances or they shouldn’t show anything to begin with. At the end the one who lied the most are the owner and the farmer. Hmm 
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You reap what you sow.
you cant expect to grow a mango tree from the seeds of apple tree, it is indeed stupid to hope for a mango tree while the seeds were sowed of an apple tree, i think everyone thinks everyone believes that the wind has reaped the non-desired seeds and the seeds arent same anymore, it sure gives hope ig, but ig it means the wind has mixed the seeds and how can you be sure its not the apple seeds which will grow, its all their choices in the end. My life is an outcome of choices made by others and myself i blame my unlived life for it, i dont know if its reasonable of me to blame them. I ponder what am i doing here i am just and ive been walking on the path molded by others, ik the morning ahead will be the same if i dont take actions it will be miserable and regret of not being what i wanted to be, apparently it feels too far in void to be able to even see it, my purpose i dont know what is it but i am sure it is one thing that i always get distracted from. I am sick of studying i know vaguely but i still cant understand , what i m doing is no what i told to do is revise through something that i made by humans its like making questions and solving them by our own methods and they are modifying them daily. What if they molded you in a ugly cracked pot no one willing to take, i wonder. I feel lost in here, i can only try to be an optimistic crow. I dont understand whats more important for these people than life, they and their paranoia, people who care what others will think annoy me, hmm i was wrong i thought i had consciousness while it was the shape i got molded by my surrounding. I wonder what is it that i want to pursuit, what is “my” purpose with no bullshit of that if you cant serve society yo uare useless i’d like to find my purpose what about myself. Ig books are one way. i wonder if i can change tomorrow or it will be as mundane as this melancholy loop iam stuck forever, it seems.
I am caged.
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hmm
i think ive realized that this infinite spiral that i am in or this whole illusion can be fun , i dont need to do anything rather i’d like to be , i’d rather be a be-er than a doer. Cats i envy them, i am envious of cats, somewhat i wonder if the “9 lives” thing is true or not. But at this point, i dont really care about anything or maybe i do care about some stuff, bold of me to say anything casually. need to do something and want to do something, need to do something, creates this tension, a resistance which causes suffering and who wants suffering unless you are a masochist. Suffering is indeed great, pain that you feel something that you cant describe simply degrading you slowly , its heavenly when you feel it for the first few times , for a rookie you will be fucked but as you reach a certain point its fun. Its all a dream, an illusion and i am the dreamer ig i am dreaming all this just like i had lucid dream last night i am having this divine lucid dreaming , stretched but i wasnt aware and idk if i am aware now or its just something meant to fill the void thats growing within me, the fact is its all temporary , thats why its a dream. Sooner or later one realizes it , it might be wihtin the span of physical body or after the end of physical body , ig. I wonder. i dont need to ponder where am i, rn. i think one thing i know is i am constant not moving at all unlike my steps i am still. and if you are not moving at all, you cant be lost, can you? idk if its an excuse or iam denying facts but if this infinite void is spiraled then what you miss now you will meet it after sometimes fs. and if thats gonna happen you dont need to be in tension you can live just exist, just like cats. they are sneaky still calm chaotic. i am chaotic but calm , i can sit for hours doing nothing because thats what it means to exist ig . i know nothing yet i tend to assume many things, thats what make this body of mine mortal . Books, books are the tools of manipulation, are the way to get yourself zoomed out. deception, the greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. Do you know why Da Vinci said this? who said dreams arent real first? ig it was me, and i was utterly wrong but i might be contradicting with myself atp,hmm i wonder . all this yap yet i dont seem care any interest.
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i want to do one thing now, i am confident that i am not horny and i can control it, i dont know how to express it but it has become something my brain and heart and control. HMM listen to your heart , listen to your brain.. what does it even mean, are their two consciousness, soul’s consciousness is in heart? and this physical body’s consciousness is in brain? oh ig i am wrong or maybe not. Who cares, i will now make them work together like make them one for example, hulk and banner. i feel cursed , its melancholy that i never got rid of, or its not melancholy but something real going on. I am delusional, i am delirious if i’d define myself in two words it’d be pride and horny. or maybe not. there are several things going on my head and its gonna blow up soon, January, February, march and april ,i will explore and learn as much as ic an, to become a polymath. I want to earn money to buy a few things i want and ig i will start doing it from next week, its not like i care about money too much, money is not my thing but it is something needed to kill my boredom or idk I have degraded myself alot, its a hobby. hmm sleep schedule is not a hard thing for me its an excuse, i cant sleep and if i sleep i wake up in the middle suddenly and cant fall asleep again and if i do somehow ic ant wake up. crazy obstacle it is for others not for me perhaps. I want to find my purpose i feel caged and getting shaped by others. I want to work for art to find my purpose. hmm simple little checkpoints for january - writing, thinking, and learning. i will try to complete crime and punishment its a fat book . i should go back now.
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Make it your ultimate year of inner Alchemy bro 
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hmm how weird
i shall work for art, to find my purpose. What is the purpose of men? If a man cant serve society or isnt helpful for society, he becomes useless or worthless perhaps. What is it that men must do, what about himself? hm a snake that cant shed its skin must perish, why? is it necessary to be shiny or lustrous. Why one should be exquisite ? he who delights solitude is either a wild beast or a god… what is this excuse. Why should Sisyphus be happy? or realize the despair, wtv. The most ugliest and unfinished art made by who? humans? is humans. Utterly disgusting, hmm i must sheep. i am bored to death.
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ive come home, i reckon but home i dont think i like home, you want to go home, i want to run away from home. I am not weak or paranoid ive got wits. My home made me resilient maybe, wraith, pride, laziness etc all these factors i wonder have i harbored all these? i dont seem to find peace or just a little calm environment, just to sit alone no sound anything just me and universe but oh well its so rare to find peace here, despair, i came to know about despair thanks to my home, and i think its one hell of a fascinating state. Guilt, sorrow, regret damn adhesive, cant get rid of these because i end making more and more so persistent i cant. but i always root for more of em. if i dont think anything then it wont affect much but why not? for experience you must delight in it.
do people change? or its just an illusion, its all an illusion. My father never changed, noone did. i changed, because of others and myself. its all because of the decisions of others and myself but when i think about it i feel like i am delusional for giving some credits to myself i feel like its solely others i was just there still getting shaped or molded by them as they desired. when i started moving i realized i was already converted into a fugly ■■■ pot and this is the state i’d call despair. i want to write a book but my english is bad. i think i dont know how to do things right. I sometimes feel like i am getting separated from reality, it seems everything is fake hence i dont seem to care about people and end up ruining bonds. ive lost the will to live, living under other’s decisions. i’d like to develop in my own style perhpas i am developing in my own style. Soon i will go to college, not so soon tho but ill wait ig. drop out would be my choice but nah ill enter in college and start learning everything, i will work to find my purpose. what i am feeling rn might be absurd but this environment sickens me, i dont hate anyone i feel pity, i used to hate but now i understand, therefore i cant help but despise myself to the extreme. ig degrading myself is one way to define it. i wonder wtf is happening . with all that being said i shall return to my slumber.
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