The Change - The Ambitious One's Diary [16M]

Diary
21

When you are doing something hard, or doing nothing at all, your brain will look at something satisfying. It’s not PMO that makes you feel good, it’s the process. You don’t feel good after doing it and the reverse when it comes to hard things.
Taking hard decision is being exaggerated by your mind. Your mind will make you think that chosing to study or exercise or whatever is too hard and energy-consuming activity. So you need the awareness that once you start doing the hard things, it will be easier to continue and once you finish, you will be satisfied and happy. Also, when you masturbate, you just feel pleasure when you bring an important quantity of your life force out. At that moment you need to remind yourself this. Just slap yourself, step in to discomfort and you will see how easier it gets and perhaps, how fun it gets.

We’ve all been there. That’s why you should remember that tomorrow is now. Remember that you can make a difference now, like none of that happened before.

Start updating regularly, build yourself some habits, if it’s all :x: then write a movie about it. Embrace your failures and make them the cause of your success.

Maybe you can’t change the past but you can always change your point of view about it.

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22

Here again . Honestly because I need help .
January was rough , I lost control and relapsed many times , but I improved thereafter , I improved other things . Went back to studying and limiting screen . But I have no control over ■■■■ and masturbation . I relapsed a couple of times in the beginning of feb then planned a lot of things . Started executing them and it seemed to work well , I keep doing better but then a relapse breaks everything apart . My habits are good but not my emotions and willpower . Because of all of this while , every time I open my laptop for studying or any other thing , my subconscious wires it to PMO and urges , and at that time , I have no control over what I do and what I think . Its not hard to stop everything and prevent from falling again , its that my mind is broken too much . I remember the one relapse before which I was doing good , it was due to erotic dreams , carved by fantasizing , and I had urges all day , I never felt so weak , I could not help relapsing . Well , this is a confession , this is the darkest I have been in a while , I started seeing myself as a monster . As of now , I have had too much dopamine rush and nothing is clear , I don’t know what I might do ahead .

Now the thing is where the conflict arises , earlier I used to connect only pain and the guilt destroyed me as a person . Now that I started lifting myself above the addiction , it was more peaceful but I didn’t feel the control . It was like pain stopping me from doing it and nothing else. I stay happy , do good but end up relapsing , and it is hollowing me from inside , enough to bring me at this position . I have been stuck repeating the same things , its not clear how I empower myself , by the mistakes of the past which are now coming into the present or thinking about the future . I just want to be free , but there is no clarity and judgement . Stuck in the past and present . I planned everything for 30 days and was on the right path , but the no of relapses are getting unreal , I don’t feel anything . I need a leap but idk how .

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23

Ohhh long time no see man
Calm down brother, and think how to solve this situation with your uncontrolled mind and will power

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24

Day 1
Rough and painful , as it was going to be . Managed to do some good study tho , but wasnt able to fully concentrate . I have 10 days before my annual exams , preparations are in the right direction but not my mental condition . I cannot be shattered and confused , still this condition will take some time to stabilize , I am accountable for whats happening and accepting that , gives me some strength . Well , I have to fight anyways , I can take it , I always have :slight_smile: .

Planning to stay productive all day without letting emotions in tomorrow , it will be hard with this weakness but I have no other option , sometime or other you have to pay for your mistakes and I am not willing to let it happen after everything is over .

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25

Day 2
Better and productive . Good first half , but was getting tired easily . I was loosing energy then I made myself realize how much syllabus there is to cover in 1 week and got energized to hurry again :joy: . There’s their gk exam tomorrow , will write just to fail , won’t even matter , I will give the exam and run from school . Making an application , was thinking of writing something different than cold and fever , constipation would be creative . Well , there’s much work to do in 9 days before the exams start . I have to increase speed . First one is english . there’s sufficient gap for physics but only one day for maths and chem . Well I have already studied almost all the things at least once throughout the year , but the school work , theory and all requires a bit to work on . Planning to score 90+ at least , would be good if I still make it anything above 85 though .
Huhh , just want all of this to be over soon without feeling long , guess I will just have to study and write and come , it will be easier that way rather than focusing on all of the other stuff I have been going through . Just one month , I have a lot of things planned right after the exams ,
can’t wait to achieve them all , theres much grinding to do .

image

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26

Day 5
Good going . Need more meditation though . I spent some time in the evening talking to a friend, there are people going through crazy things out there srsly , makes me sometimes see my struggle as nothing in comparison .
Improper sleep seems to be getting me . Though , the stress is not much because things are ‘almost’ going as schedule , but I always keep missing a few things of the day from what I plan . And I really need to be start waking up early , man I have started feeling more sleepy in the day than ever , having the active mind at night won’'t help that much when the exam starts at 7 am :joy: .
I have not been exercising from 3 days and it comes very necessary now , to activate my body .
So tomorrow , the tasks will be waking up early , no excuse
exercising and then rushing to complete my work .

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27

Day 6
Too many urges , more because I did not control my feelings and thoughts but back at it now . Its good now , feeling stronger . Good start in the morning , but got scattered by mid day , idk something was bugging and I wasn’t able to focus . Caught myself again in the evening , I wasted quite a time disturbed though and I might have to do 1 - 2 later nighters to cover it up while also having to wake up early :coffin: . It will pass .

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28

Reaching the top is easy, staying at the top isn’t.
Never let your guard down. I want to see the warrior who reached 300+ days streak again.

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29

Has @The_Ambitious_One had a 300 day streak at some point?

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30

In 2022
Till Jan 2023

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31

I believe you can do it again and end it once and for all.

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32

Well , last 24 hours and before the time through exams . I am going to put all of my time in this , Won’t be hard , most of the school things are rot it up matter :moyai: . I am just willing to do anything and as much I can . The session was not good and this is not the end either . After the school exams are over , I have 25 days to brush up everything from this session and cover everything else that I have missed . I aim to use this exam as a way to grow out of my past mistakes so that I can finish off everything clean in the month later and start the new session with new energy and habits .
See you in a while .

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33

I fell sick a little bit , mid exam time :skull:
There was some construction work happening at my building in upper flat , and lot of dust , I am allergic . Thats not the problem , the problem are medicines :moyai: , I feel sleepy and dizzy because of anti allergics . Nvm , it will affect only 1 exam .

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34

Fuck
I let my guard down . Highly disappointed tbh
It was a hardwork of almost a month . I had abstained from ■■■■ since then , but today :pensive:.
But it was a result of my own mistakes , I had sought to stay strong , for I knew how hard it would be . But things are not always as you think them to be .
Well in all those days , I had controlled urges , ■■■■ and sexual thoughts . I was also exercising when I was getting time . But I couldn’t control my mind completely . So the thing happens at nights , I had 2 relapses , in 10 -12 days gap without any stimulation , relapses when I had been half asleep . Last one was 2 days ago , and it ruined my exam to a good extent . But I was pointed out possible reasons for it , mostly occuring due to improper sleep schedule , I was feeling insomniac while being already stressed because of exams , I didn’t keep my calm at night and ending up giving up to thoughts and urges . The thoughts get really loud after 10 - 12 days . Also , my meditation was inconsistent and insincere .

I had hoped to keep it clear till my exams end , and start a new phase after that . But things went different .

And today , I peeked my screen time too much after many weeks , I was feeling guilty and then come the urges .

Well , another tight slap to reality , it has grounded me again . Though my exams are not over yet , only cs remains , but I am going to start rebuilding immediately . I don’t want this one day to stick with me and bring me back to how I have been for so long . I have crossed just one month with so much trouble and I have experienced what all much it will require furthermore , this condition isnt easy to break , and I will require a lot more power and discipline to do it .

I am going to detail all other mistakes committed and changed require on Tuesday , after exam ends . I will not let things fall down as they did last year just during this time , while already passing through a tough phase already . I have to build more discipline

But the important thing is how I react to this , I have learnt more about my power after fighting through the intense time in January . At that time , even if just for a couple of weeks , I had been stronger than I ever knew I could be . That I can do it if I want to . But I lost that strength consequently , obv , that is where I had the job to fuel myself with better actions but I forgot them while prioritizing studies . Still I had abstained from peeking , watching ■■■■ or relapsing ‘at will’ all that time. And midway during this , I kinda found out a good way that works for me , to charge my subconscious thinking . I have to learnt to implement it in a better way .

I now gotta complete my exams soon and I don’t want any of the thing to repeat again so I will pack my laptop for a while . Will unpack it by telling my parents what exactly I need it for , and how long . I don’t need it much for a good long time . I will have the books I require , and nearly a month at home after exams . The best time to build discipline , I will also give time to my hobbies and going out to get fresh air . I have also some books to read . A good grinding as well healing time .

Phase 1 : 30 days
from tomorrow ( its my father’s birthday)

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35

I also need to find time to do some proper journaling. Completely ruined my sleep schedule, been sleeping around 2:30 am for last 3 days now, and my sleep breaks atleast 2-3 times in between :smiling_face_with_tear:.

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36

I’m afraid you relapsed due to stress. You may try to calm yourself, trusting yourself that you have prepared well, listening to some relaxing music or watching some ASMR before sleep, then sleep with ease. You know that PMO will only make you more stressful and not concentrated. Stay strong bro :muscle:t2:

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37

Damn
the day was hell . Should have been after what I did . I almost relapsed today too , but I have controlled myself , dunno about night though . Well , now theres fear which is getting me . Awful amount of anxiety in the evening . I have developed too much fear from the past few days and I won’t be able to work with it . Things will get even harder when the exam ends , I have to forge the greater goal in my mind asap .
Couldn’t wake up early but exercised and studied well . Missed meditation though , going to do it before sleeping . Will spend tomorrow , studying all day and trying to stay off .
And I will spend tuesday as the session finisher .
Just stay strong , no other option :slight_smile:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

― Frank Herbert, Dune

Will go watch dune 2 , wed or thurs , I have waited for long .

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38

One night before last exam .
.
.
taking cs in 11th wasnt a very good idea :skull: ( theory sucks)( ( I still love programming though)

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39

I want to watch dune 2 but the timing sucks. Don’t have time or don’t feel good to watch movies in a time like this (exams are near).

Which exams?
Are you in 11th?
Where are you from?

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40

Just the school annual exams bro . Its been a pain for sometime
Oh and Im a PCM student btw

yep , going to 12th next month

I dont want to reveal it publicly .
I can tell in dm , I even wanted to have a conversation with you sometime , after reading about you in your diary

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