The Change - The Ambitious One's Diary [16M]

When you are doing something hard, or doing nothing at all, your brain will look at something satisfying. It’s not PMO that makes you feel good, it’s the process. You don’t feel good after doing it and the reverse when it comes to hard things.
Taking hard decision is being exaggerated by your mind. Your mind will make you think that chosing to study or exercise or whatever is too hard and energy-consuming activity. So you need the awareness that once you start doing the hard things, it will be easier to continue and once you finish, you will be satisfied and happy. Also, when you masturbate, you just feel pleasure when you bring an important quantity of your life force out. At that moment you need to remind yourself this. Just slap yourself, step in to discomfort and you will see how easier it gets and perhaps, how fun it gets.

We’ve all been there. That’s why you should remember that tomorrow is now. Remember that you can make a difference now, like none of that happened before.

Start updating regularly, build yourself some habits, if it’s all :x: then write a movie about it. Embrace your failures and make them the cause of your success.

Maybe you can’t change the past but you can always change your point of view about it.

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Here again . Honestly because I need help .
January was rough , I lost control and relapsed many times , but I improved thereafter , I improved other things . Went back to studying and limiting screen . But I have no control over ■■■■ and masturbation . I relapsed a couple of times in the beginning of feb then planned a lot of things . Started executing them and it seemed to work well , I keep doing better but then a relapse breaks everything apart . My habits are good but not my emotions and willpower . Because of all of this while , every time I open my laptop for studying or any other thing , my subconscious wires it to PMO and urges , and at that time , I have no control over what I do and what I think . Its not hard to stop everything and prevent from falling again , its that my mind is broken too much . I remember the one relapse before which I was doing good , it was due to erotic dreams , carved by fantasizing , and I had urges all day , I never felt so weak , I could not help relapsing . Well , this is a confession , this is the darkest I have been in a while , I started seeing myself as a monster . As of now , I have had too much dopamine rush and nothing is clear , I don’t know what I might do ahead .

Now the thing is where the conflict arises , earlier I used to connect only pain and the guilt destroyed me as a person . Now that I started lifting myself above the addiction , it was more peaceful but I didn’t feel the control . It was like pain stopping me from doing it and nothing else. I stay happy , do good but end up relapsing , and it is hollowing me from inside , enough to bring me at this position . I have been stuck repeating the same things , its not clear how I empower myself , by the mistakes of the past which are now coming into the present or thinking about the future . I just want to be free , but there is no clarity and judgement . Stuck in the past and present . I planned everything for 30 days and was on the right path , but the no of relapses are getting unreal , I don’t feel anything . I need a leap but idk how .

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Ohhh long time no see man
Calm down brother, and think how to solve this situation with your uncontrolled mind and will power

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Day 1
Rough and painful , as it was going to be . Managed to do some good study tho , but wasnt able to fully concentrate . I have 10 days before my annual exams , preparations are in the right direction but not my mental condition . I cannot be shattered and confused , still this condition will take some time to stabilize , I am accountable for whats happening and accepting that , gives me some strength . Well , I have to fight anyways , I can take it , I always have :slight_smile: .

Planning to stay productive all day without letting emotions in tomorrow , it will be hard with this weakness but I have no other option , sometime or other you have to pay for your mistakes and I am not willing to let it happen after everything is over .

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Day 2
Better and productive . Good first half , but was getting tired easily . I was loosing energy then I made myself realize how much syllabus there is to cover in 1 week and got energized to hurry again :joy: . There’s their gk exam tomorrow , will write just to fail , won’t even matter , I will give the exam and run from school . Making an application , was thinking of writing something different than cold and fever , constipation would be creative . Well , there’s much work to do in 9 days before the exams start . I have to increase speed . First one is english . there’s sufficient gap for physics but only one day for maths and chem . Well I have already studied almost all the things at least once throughout the year , but the school work , theory and all requires a bit to work on . Planning to score 90+ at least , would be good if I still make it anything above 85 though .
Huhh , just want all of this to be over soon without feeling long , guess I will just have to study and write and come , it will be easier that way rather than focusing on all of the other stuff I have been going through . Just one month , I have a lot of things planned right after the exams ,
can’t wait to achieve them all , theres much grinding to do .

image

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Day 5
Good going . Need more meditation though . I spent some time in the evening talking to a friend, there are people going through crazy things out there srsly , makes me sometimes see my struggle as nothing in comparison .
Improper sleep seems to be getting me . Though , the stress is not much because things are ‘almost’ going as schedule , but I always keep missing a few things of the day from what I plan . And I really need to be start waking up early , man I have started feeling more sleepy in the day than ever , having the active mind at night won’'t help that much when the exam starts at 7 am :joy: .
I have not been exercising from 3 days and it comes very necessary now , to activate my body .
So tomorrow , the tasks will be waking up early , no excuse
exercising and then rushing to complete my work .

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Day 6
Too many urges , more because I did not control my feelings and thoughts but back at it now . Its good now , feeling stronger . Good start in the morning , but got scattered by mid day , idk something was bugging and I wasn’t able to focus . Caught myself again in the evening , I wasted quite a time disturbed though and I might have to do 1 - 2 later nighters to cover it up while also having to wake up early :coffin: . It will pass .

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Reaching the top is easy, staying at the top isn’t.
Never let your guard down. I want to see the warrior who reached 300+ days streak again.

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Has @The_Ambitious_One had a 300 day streak at some point?

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In 2022
Till Jan 2023

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I believe you can do it again and end it once and for all.

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Well , last 24 hours and before the time through exams . I am going to put all of my time in this , Won’t be hard , most of the school things are rot it up matter :moyai: . I am just willing to do anything and as much I can . The session was not good and this is not the end either . After the school exams are over , I have 25 days to brush up everything from this session and cover everything else that I have missed . I aim to use this exam as a way to grow out of my past mistakes so that I can finish off everything clean in the month later and start the new session with new energy and habits .
See you in a while .

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I fell sick a little bit , mid exam time :skull:
There was some construction work happening at my building in upper flat , and lot of dust , I am allergic . Thats not the problem , the problem are medicines :moyai: , I feel sleepy and dizzy because of anti allergics . Nvm , it will affect only 1 exam .

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