tip 31
Dont just read these tips but act. What I did. I wrote them in a Journal, so i can remember the tips better. ( you memorize much more when you write them out with pen and paper)
Memorize the bible verses! With the use of a card system and my writing them big on a paper and placing them on your wall!
tip 32
tip 33
Iâm not a Christian anymore. Sorry.
Why not? Did it had to do with the struggle in this addiction?
tip 34 sources
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3Willoughby, B. J., Young-Petersen, B., & Leonhardt, N. D. (2018). Exploring Trajectories of Pornography Use Through Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Journal of sex research, 55(3), 297â309. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1368977
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11Kristof, N. (2021). Why do we let corporations profit from rape videos? New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/16/opinion/sunday/companies-online-rape-videos.html
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13Kristof, N. (2020). The children of Pornhub. New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/04/opinion/sunday/pornhub-rape-trafficking.html
14Meineck, S., & Alfering, Y. (2020). We went undercover in xHamsterâs unpaid content moderation team. Retrieved from How Does xHamster Moderate its Content?
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21BĆthe, B., TĂłth-KirĂĄly, I., Griffiths, M. D., Potenza, M. N., Orosz, G., & Demetrovics, Z. (2021). Are sexual functioning problems associated with frequent pornography use and/or problematic pornography use? results from a large community survey including males and females. Addictive Behaviors, 112, 106603. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2020.106603
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23 Szymanski, D. M., & Stewart-Richardson, D. N. (2014). Psychological, Relational, and Sexual Correlates of Pornography Use on Young Adult Heterosexual Men in Romantic Relationships. The Journal of Menâs Studies, 22(1), 64â82. https://doi.org/10.3149/jms.2201.64
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26Trafficking Victims Protection Act (TVPA) of 2000, Pub. L. No. 106â386, Section 102(a), 114 Stat. 1464. https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/BILLS-106hr3244enr/pdf/BILLS-106hr3244enr.pdf
27Vera-Gray, F., McGlynn, C., Kureshi, I., & Butterby, K. (2021). Sexual violence as a sexual script in mainstream online pornography. The British Journal of Criminology, azab035. doi:10.1093/bjc/azab035
28Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(8), 3041â3053. A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography | SpringerLink
29Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C. & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update. Violence Against Women, 16(10), 1065â1085. doi:10.1177/1077801210382866
30Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C. & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update. Violence Against Women, 16(10), 1065â1085. doi:10.1177/1077801210382866
31Mikorski, R., & Szymanski, D. M. (2017). Masculine norms, peer group, pornography, facebook, and menâs sexual objectification of women. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 18(4), 257-267. doi:10.1037/men0000058
32Skorska, M.N., Hodson, G., & Hoffarth, M.R. (2018). Experimental effects of degrading versus erotic pornography exposure in men on reactions toward women (objectification, sexism, discrimination). The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 27, 261 - 276.
33Zhou, Y., Liu, T., Yan, Y., & Paul, B. (2021). Pornography use, two forms of dehumanization, and sexual aggression: Attitudes vs. behaviors. Null, 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1923598
34Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault.18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552
35Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault. 18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552
36 Foubert, J. D., & Bridges, A. J. (2017). What Is the Attraction? Pornography Use Motives in Relation to Bystander Intervention. Journal of Adolescent Research, 32(20), 213â243. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558414547097
37Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault.18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552
38Foubert, J. D., & Bridges, A. J. (2017). What Is the Attraction? Pornography Use Motives in Relation to Bystander Intervention. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 32(20), 3071â3089. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260515596538
39Wright, P. J., & Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Menâs Objectifying Media Consumption, Objectification of Women, and Attitudes Supportive of Violence Against Women. Archives of sexual behavior, 45(4), 955â964. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0644-8
40Seabrook, R. C., Ward, L. M., & Giaccardi, S. (2019). Less than human? media use, objectification of women, and menâs acceptance of sexual aggression. Psychology of Violence, 9(5), 536-545. doi:10.1037/vio0000198
41van Oosten, J., & Vandenbosch, L. (2020). Predicting the Willingness to Engage in Non-Consensual Forwarding of Sexts: The Role of Pornography and Instrumental Notions of Sex. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1121â1132. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01580-2
42Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., & Kraus, A. (2016). A meta-analysis of pornography consumption and actual acts of sexual aggression in general population studies. Journal of Communication, 66(1), 183-205. doi:Meta-Analysis of Pornography Consumption and Actual Acts of Sexual Aggression in General Population Studies | Journal of Communication | Oxford Academic
43Rostad, W. L., Gittins-Stone, D., Huntington, C., Rizzo, C. J., Pearlman, D., & Orchowski, L. (2019). The association between exposure to violent pornography and teen dating violence in grade 10 high school students. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(7), 2137-2147. doi:10.1007/s10508-019-1435-4
44Goodson, A., Franklin, C. A., & Bouffard, L. A. (2021). Male peer support and sexual assault: The relation between high-profile, high school sports participation and sexually predatory behaviour. 27(1), 64-80. doi:10.1080/13552600.2020.1733111
45Mikorski, R., & Szymanski, D. M. (2017). Masculine norms, peer group, pornography, Facebook, and menâs sexual objectification of women. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 18(4), 257-267. doi:10.1037/men0000058
46Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2021). Worse than objects: The depiction of black women and men and their sexual relationship in pornography. Gender Issues, 38(1), 100-120. doi:10.1007/s12147-020-09255-2
47xHamster. (2018). xHamster trend report 2018. Retrieved from xHamster Trend Report 2018
48Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in menâs and womenâs pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146â163. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796
49Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in menâs and womenâs pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146â163. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796
50Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in menâs and womenâs pornography patterns in couple relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(2), 146â163. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796
51Malcolm, M., & Naufal, G. (2016). Are pornography and marriage substitutes for young men? Eastern Economic Journal, 42(3), 317-334. doi:10.1057/eej.2015.7
52Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partnersâ perceived pornography use and Womenâs relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5
53Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior.18(1), 12-29. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.551182
54Harper, C., & Hodgins, D. C. (2016). Examining Correlates of Problematic Internet Pornography Use Among University Students. Journal of behavioral addictions, 5(2), 179â191. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.5.2016.022
55Wordecha, M., Wilk, M., Kowalewska, E., Skorko, M., ĆapiĆski, A., & Gola, M. (2018). âPornographic bingesâ as a key characteristic of males seeking treatment for compulsive sexual behaviors: Qualitative and quantitative 10-week-long diary assessment. Journal of behavioral addictions, 7(2), 433â444. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.7.2018.33
56Butler, M. H., Pereyra, S. A., Draper, T. W., Leonhardt, N. D., & Skinner, K. B. (2018). Pornography Use and Loneliness: A Bidirectional Recursive Model and Pilot Investigation. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 44(2), 127â137. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1321601
57Willoughby, B. J., Young-Petersen, B., & Leonhardt, N. D. (2018). Exploring trajectories of pornography use through adolescence and emerging adulthood.55(3), 297-309. doi:10.1080/00224499.2017.1368977
58KoletiÄ G. (2017). Longitudinal associations between the use of sexually explicit material and adolescentsâ attitudes and behaviors: A narrative review of studies. Journal of adolescence, 57, 119â133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.006
59Levin, M. E., Lillis, J., & Hayes, S. C. (2012). When is online pornography viewing problematic among college males? Examining the moderating role of experiential avoidance.19(3), 168-180. doi:10.1080/10720162.2012.657150
60
61BĆthe, B., TĂłth-KirĂĄly, I., Griffiths, M. D., Potenza, M. N., Orosz, G., & Demetrovics, Z. (2021). Are sexual functioning problems associated with frequent pornography use and/or problematic pornography use? results from a large community survey including males and females. Addictive Behaviors, 112, 106603. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2020.106603
62 Szymanski, D. M., & Stewart-Richardson, D. N. (2014). Psychological, Relational, and Sexual Correlates of Pornography Use on Young Adult Heterosexual Men in Romantic Relationships. The Journal of Menâs Studies, 22(1), 64â82. https://doi.org/10.3149/jms.2201.64
63Dwulit, A. D., & Rzymski, P. (2019). Prevalence, Patterns and Self-Perceived Effects of Pornography Consumption in Polish University Students: A Cross-Sectional Study. International journal of environmental research and public health, 16(10), 1861. IJERPH | Free Full-Text | Prevalence, Patterns and Self-Perceived Effects of Pornography Consumption in Polish University Students: A Cross-Sectional Study
64Brown, C. C., Durtschi, J. A., Carroll, J. S., & Willoughby, B. J. (2017). Understanding and predicting classes of college students who use pornography. Computers in Human Behavior, 66, 114-121.
65Perry, S. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549-559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508-016-0770-Y
66Perry, S. L. (2018). Pornography use and marital separation: Evidence from two-wave panel data. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(6), 1869-1880. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-1080-8
67Perry, S. L., & Davis, J. T. (2017). Are pornography users more likely to experience a romantic breakup? Evidence from longitudinal data. Sexuality & Culture, 21(4), 1157-1176. doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9444-8
68Perry, S. L., & Schleifer, C. (2018). Till porn do us part? A longitudinal examination of pornography use and divorce. 55(3), 284-296. doi:10.1080/00224499.2017.1317709
69Jones, A. (2019). Sexcam therapy. The Face. Retrieved from Sexcam therapy - The Face
70SĂ©guin, L. J., Rodrigue, C., & Lavigne, J. (2018). Consuming Ecstasy: Representations of Male and Female Orgasm in Mainstream Pornography. Journal of sex research, 55(3), 348â356. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1332152
71Mikorski, R., & Szymanski, D. M. (2017). Masculine norms, peer group, pornography, Facebook, and menâs sexual objectification of women. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 18(4), 257-267. doi:10.1037/men0000058
72
73SĂ©guin, L. J., Rodrigue, C., & Lavigne, J. (2018). Consuming Ecstasy: Representations of Male and Female Orgasm in Mainstream Pornography. Journal of sex research, 55(3), 348â356. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1332152
74Walker, A., Makin, D. A., & Morczek, A. L. (2016). Finding Lolita: A comparative analysis of interest in youth-oriented pornography. Sexuality & Culture, 20(3), 657-683. doi:10.1007/s12119-016-9355-0
75Lanning, K. V. (2010). Child molesters: A behavioral analysis for professionals investigating the sexual exploitation of children. (No. 5). National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. Retrieved from https://www.missingkids.org/content/dam/missingkids/pdfs/publications/nc70.pdf
76International Centre for Missing and Exploited Children. (2017). Online grooming of children for sexual purposes: Model legislation & global review. ( No. 1). Retrieved from https://www.icmec.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Online-Grooming-of-Children_FINAL_9-18-17.pdf
77Bouché, V. (2018). Survivor insights: The role of technology in domestic minor sex trafficking. Thorn. Retrieved from https://www.thorn.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Thorn_Survivor_Insights_090519.pdf
78Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault.18(4), 212-231. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.625552
79Foubert, J. D., & Bridges, A. J. (2017). What Is the Attraction? Pornography Use Motives in Relation to Bystander Intervention. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 32(20), 3071â3089. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260515596538
80Wright, P. J., & Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Menâs Objectifying Media Consumption, Objectification of Women, and Attitudes Supportive of Violence Against Women. Archives of sexual behavior, 45(4), 955â964. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0644-8
81Seabrook, R. C., Ward, L. M., & Giaccardi, S. (2019). Less than human? Media use, objectification of women, and menâs acceptance of sexual aggression. Psychology of Violence, 9(5), 536-545. doi:10.1037/vio0000198
82Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. 18(1), 12-29. doi:10.1080/10720162.2011.551182
83 Beyens, I., Vandenbosch, L., & Eggermont, S. (2015). Early Adolescent Boysâ Exposure to Internet Pornography: Relationships to Pubertal Timing, Sensation Seeking, and Academic Performance. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 35(8), 1045â1068. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431614548069
84Jones, A. (2019). Sexcam therapy. The Face. Retrieved from Sexcam therapy - The Face
85Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(8), 3041â3053. A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography | SpringerLink
86Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C. & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update. Violence Against Women, 16(10), 1065â1085. doi:10.1177/1077801210382866
87Ezzell, M. B., Johnson, J. A., Bridges, A. J., & Sun, C. F. (2020). I (dis)like it like that: Gender, pornography, and liking sex. J.Sex Marital Ther., 46(5), 460-473. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1758860
88International Andrology London. (2017). The porn hypothesis â findings prove porn consumption fuels the desire for penis enlargement surgery in the UK. Retrieved from https://london-andrology.co.uk/news/the-porn-hypothesis-findings-prove-porn-consumption-fuels-the-desire-for-penis-enlargement-surgery-in-the-uk/
89Butler, M. H., Pereyra, S. A., Draper, T. W., Leonhardt, N. D., & Skinner, K. B. (2018). Pornography Use and Loneliness: A Bidirectional Recursive Model and Pilot Investigation. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 44(2), 127â137. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1321601
90Jokinen, J., Chatzittofis, A., Nordström, P., & Arver, S. (2016). The role of neuroinflammation in the pathophysiology of hypersexual disorder. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 71, 55. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2016.07.144
91Gervais, S. J., & Eagan, S. (2017). Sexual objectification: The common thread connecting myriad forms of sexual violence against women. The American journal of orthopsychiatry, 87(3), 226â232. https://doi.org/10.1037/ort0000257
92Mikorski, R., & Szymanski, D. M. (2017). Masculine norms, peer group, pornography, Facebook, and menâs sexual objectification of women. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 18(4), 257-267. doi:10.1037/men0000058
93Skorska, M.N., Hodson, G., & Hoffarth, M.R. (2018). Experimental effects of degrading versus erotic pornography exposure in men on reactions toward women (objectification, sexism, discrimination). The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 27, 261 - 276.
94Zhou, Y., Liu, T., Yan, Y., & Paul, B. (2021). Pornography use, two forms of dehumanization, and sexual aggression: Attitudes vs. behaviors. Null, 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1923598
95Owens, E. W., Behun, R. J., Manning, J. C., & Reid, R. C. (2012). The impact of internet pornography on adolescents: A review of the research. 19(1-2), 99-122. doi:10.1080/10720162.2012.660431
96KoletiÄ G. (2017). Longitudinal associations between the use of sexually explicit material and adolescentsâ attitudes and behaviors: A narrative review of studies. Journal of adolescence, 57, 119â133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.006
97Tylka, T. L., & Van Diest, A. M. K. (2015). You looking at her âhotâ body may not be âcoolâ for me: Integrating male partnersâ pornography use into objectification theory for women. Psychology of Women Quarterly,39, 67â84. http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784
98Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2015). You Looking at Her âHotâ Body May Not be âCoolâ for Me: Integrating Male Partnersâ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(1), 67â84. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784
99Szymanski, D. M., Feltman, C. E., & Dunn, T. L. (2015). Male partnersâ perceived pornography use and Womenâs relational and psychological health: The roles of trust, attitudes, and investment. Sex Roles, 73(5), 187-199. doi:10.1007/s11199-015-0518-5
100Tylka, T. L., & Kroon Van Diest, A. M. (2015). You Looking at Her âHotâ Body May Not be âCoolâ for Me: Integrating Male Partnersâ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(1), 67â84. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784
tip 35
Instead of just fighting off â â â â , do whatever you can to fill your mind, heart, and life with all the good stuffâthe stuff that makes your life truly worthwhile.
This guest piece was written by Dr. Jacob Hess, the Research Director at JoinFortify.com, a â â â â addiction recovery platform and affiliate of Fight the New Drug. 5-minute read.
By Jacob Hess, Ph.D., Fortify Research Director
Imagine getting a knock on the door. When you open it, a beautiful stranger stands thereâwith an offer to remove their clothes right in front of you.
âWhat are you talking about?! Iâm sorryâŠno thanks. Iâm in a relationshipâand thatâs not something I feel right about. Please leave,â you might say in response.
The door closes, and you take a deep breath. An hour passes, and another strangerâdifferent, but equally beautifulâmakes the same knock, and the same offer but this time, inviting you to witness them having sex with someone else.
Related: How You Can Confront Setbacks While Quitting â â â â
Over and over, day after day, the knocks continueâno matter how many times you say no. The invitations to witness an endless âsea of sexâ right before you continue. All-access. Anytime.
Would that be difficult to face for most people? You bet it would, but especially for someone who is trying to break free from a compulsion to â â â â .
Just ask anyone living in the world todayâbecause this is a lot like what they are facing. This thought experiment also invites more empathy for what men and womenâyoung and oldâare trying to break free from right now.
And hopefully, theyâre quitting â â â â to turn toward something better. But should we really be confused why some people struggle to break free from â â â â ?
Dr. Mark Chamberlain has arguably worked with more people grappling with serious pornography addiction than virtually anyone alive.
In a recent interview, Mark helped explain why people keep getting dragged back into it, despite their better inclinationsâcentered in this powerful message pornography sends *our bodiesâ*quite independent of whatever someone believe in their heads.
Even when someone know all sorts of reasons theyâd like to stay away, pornography registers a potent and visceral message at the level of their brain and body, namely this: âI see youâŠI want youâŠyouâre lovableâin fact, I trust you so much Iâll be naked with you.â
Related: How You Can Quit Watching â â â â Today
All these messages, Mark explains, are potent physiologicallyâ âTo have another human being love us, want us, trust us, approve of us, just be delighted in us, thatâs wired into our systems to help us connect with other human beings.â
So even if someone knows these messages are fake and counterfeit on a real level, âour brain doesnât know itâ he emphasized, and âthe [urges] in our body donât know it.â
Thatâs why the constant invitation of pornography can feel like a legitimate lift, distraction and relief from the pressures of real life around you. Simply put, the brain consuming â â â â canât necessarily tell the difference between the alluring fantasy before it and an invitation from a real person.
There are emotional reasons people keep going back to â â â â âreasons that are not crazy or deranged, reasons that donât make them a âbad person.â
We all need connection. We all need to belong and feel loved. And a â â â â consumerâs body and brain have been tricked into believing â â â â is going to give them all that.
But the toughest part is that it doesnât. It quite literally canâtânot even close.
In fact, the more someone answers that knockâand welcomes â â â â into their homeâthe less connection and love they can end up feeling (even when others are trying to find it with them!).
Thatâs one big explanation for the significant mental health and psychological costs of pornography.
In fact, as documented on Gary Wilsonâs Your Brain on Pornography, over 85 studies link â â â â use to poorer mental-emotional health & poorer cognitive outcomesâwith another 80 studies linking â â â â use to less sexual and relationship satisfaction.
Donât just take my word for it, just check out the studies for yourself and, if you struggle with â â â â , weigh them against your own experiences.
Related: Tips for Opening Up to a Loved One About Your Struggle with â â â â
The good news, though, is that the influence runs both ways. If â â â â , in fact, corrodes someoneâs mental health and relationship qualityâgrowing freedom from pornography corresponds with boosts to all the above.
Thatâs why it feels so good to get some distance from this stuff.
Instead of just fighting off the challenging stuff, do whatever you can to fill your mind, heart, and life with all the good stuff, the stuff that makes your life worthwhile and feeds your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Related: 6 Things that Motivate People to Stop Watching â â â â
Pretty soon, â â â â will become like that ex-loverâa nuisance you have to stay away from for your own mental health. And because life without â â â â is just so much better.
Then, when the next knock comes at the doorâyouâll know what to say, and how to keep that door closed so you can stay ready for something way better.
Itâs all just too complicated and Iâd rather do what I want. Iâm still quitting porn though.
tip 34 know why to stop
Many people donât realize how much â â â â is affecting them until they quit watching it. Here are 50 good reasons to ditch it today.
With the easy access to an unlimited, ever-increasing supply of â â â â these days, it shouldnât come as a surprise that â â â â is having an effect on peoplesâ lives.
In fact, there is an ever-growing body of research showing that â â â â can have profoundly negative, long-term effects on peopleâs lives, relationships, and our society as a whole.
Many people donât even realize that â â â â is having an effect on them until they quit. So if youâre curious about how â â â â might be affecting your life, or if youâre looking for the motivation you need to kick the habit, here are 50 good reasons to quit â â â â for good starting today.
What do you have to lose?
Perhaps the biggest lie â â â â sells is that its fantasy world is filled with sex positivity: sexual education, more sex, better sex, etc. What it doesnât mention, however, is that the fantasy world it sells can warp sexual expectations in unhealthy ways.
Itâs no secret that â â â â is wildly unrealistic and often straight-up toxic, yet 1 in 4 young adults report believing that â â â â is the most helpful source to learn how to have sex, according to a 2021 study.1
Another study indicated that young people often reported trying to copy â â â â in their own sexual encounters, and that the pressure to imitate â â â â was often an aspect of unhealthy relationships.2 Bottom line, â â â â isnât contributing to a healthy understanding of sex.
Many â â â â consumers are surprised to find that â â â â can be incredibly difficult to quit. While most â â â â consumers are not addicts in a clinically diagnosable sense,3 many experts agree that pornography consumption is a behavior that can, in fact, qualify as an addiction in serious cases.456
Regardless of whether someoneâs â â â â consumption is classified as an addiction, compulsion, or simply an unhealthy habit, quitting â â â â can be a difficult process. Even if it feels daunting, there is support out there, making quitting more possible than ever!
Research indicates that â â â â consumers can become desensitized to â â â â , often needing to consume more â â â â , more extreme forms of â â â â , or consume â â â â more often in order to get the same response they once did.7
Over time, a â â â â consumerâs appetite can escalate to more hardcore versions just to achieve the same level of arousal. In fact one 2016 study, researchers found that 46.9% of respondents reported that, over time, they began watching pornography that had previously disinterested or even disgusted them.8
In the â â â â industry, there is virtually no way to guarantee that any piece of pornographic content is truly consensual, ethical, or even legal. The unfortunate truth is that the â â â â industry has an extensive history of profiting from nonconsensual content and abuse, even ignoring victimsâ pleas to remove abusive content.910
Virtually every major â â â â site has had issues with nonconsensual content, abuse, or child sexual abuse material (aka âchild â â â â â). 1112131415
As human beings, we are hardwired for connection. These important connections with others, however, can be undermined when â â â â comes into the picture. Research indicates that consuming â â â â can normalize sexual objectification, which can have profound consequences in the ways â â â â consumers view and treat others.16
The â â â â industry objectifies people and commoditizes sex, which can make it more difficult to develop intimate connections with real people. Disconnect from â â â â and connect with real people!
The makeup, surgery, Photoshop, acting, and editing that go into â â â â give us an unrealistic view of the human body and sexuality.
In fact, research suggests that consuming â â â â can result in poorer body imageâboth for the consumers and for their partners.1718 Donât buy into the unrealistic, airbrushed fantasies of â â â â . You deserve to feel confident in your skin rather than comparing yourself to impossible standards.
As world-renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman wrote about â â â â , âIntimacy for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people. But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to â â â â , they are actually turning away from intimate interaction. [Additionally], when watching pornography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner⊠In summary, we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony.â19
One study showed that those who never viewed pornography reported higher relationship qualityâon every measureâthan those who viewed pornography alone.20 Staying away from â â â â is a great way to invest in your relationships.
Interestingly enough, â â â â often leads to less sex and less satisfying sex.
Research routinely shows that compulsive pornography consumption is associated with sexual dysfunction for both men and women,21 difficulties with arousal and sexual performance,22 and decreased sexual satisfaction.23 Doesnât sound very âpro-sex,â does it?
Sex trafficking shares a variety of symbiotic connections to pornography. Even in the production of mainstream â â â â , sex trafficking can still occurâand it happens more often than most people think.2425
Trafficking is legally defined as a situation in which âa commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such act has not attained 18 years of age.â26 Manipulation and coercion are unfortunately common in the â â â â industry, which legally qualifies as sex trafficking.
Again, thereâs no viable way for a consumer to guarantee that the â â â â theyâre watching is truly consensual and free of abuse or coercion. As long as thereâs a demand for â â â â âespecially â â â â that is extreme, abusive, or degradingâthe â â â â industry will continue to exploit vulnerable people to meet that demand.
According to a study that analyzed â â â â titles alone, 1 out of every 8 titles suggested to first-time users on â â â â sites described acts of sexual violence.27
Research also suggests that as few as 1 in 3 and as many as 9 in 10 â â â â scenes contain physical violence or aggression.2829 Even more concerning is that 95% of the time, the targets of violence and aggression in â â â â appear to respond either neutrally or with pleasure, sending the message that sexual aggression is normal or even desirable.30
So we know that â â â â glorifies violence, but research also indicates that â â â â âs sexually violent narratives can bleed into consumersâ attitudes and behaviors. In fact, research indicates that â â â â consumers are more likely to sexually objectify and dehumanize others,313233 more likely to express an intent to rape,34 less likely to intervene during a sexual assault,3536 more likely to victim-blame survivors of sexual assault,3738 more likely to support violence against women,3940 more likely to forward sexts without consent,41 and more likely to commit actual acts of sexual violence.42434445
Saying no to â â â â and its problematic narratives helps to build a healthier world.
â â â â often depicts and profits from blatantly racist narratives. For example, a 2021 content analysis of more than 1,700 scenes from two of the worldâs most popular â â â â sites found that videos featuring Black people disproportionately emphasize violence and aggression, perpetuate harmful racist stereotypes, and often depict Black people as âworse than objects.â46
The â â â â industry often fetishizes race, reducing people of color to sexual categories that often focus on damaging stereotypes.47
Many consumers conceal from their partner how much and what types of â â â â they are viewing. According to a 2017 study, women tend to significantly underestimate how much â â â â their male partners consume.48
In fact, in this study none of the casually dating womenâzeroâreported that their partner consumed pornography daily or every other day, but 43% of casually dating men in the study reported this level of heavy â â â â consumption.49 Scholars have also noted that pornography concealment may influence the partnersâ sense of trustworthiness and security in the relationship.50
Healthy relationships are built on honesty and communication, so hiding a â â â â habit definitely doesnât help. And heyâyou donât have to clear â â â â from your browser history if you donât watch â â â â .
You may have noticed that consuming â â â â can take up a lot of your timeâscrolling from page to page, switching between videos. Aside from all its negative effects, time spent watching â â â â is time that could be spent developing your hobbies, achieving your goals, or nurturing your relationships with others.
Itâs estimated that over the course of their life, the average person spends about 3 months on the toilet, 4 months in traffic, and 9 years on their phone. How much of your life will you spend watching â â â â ? Will it be worth it?
In â â â â , everything from the way people look to how and why they have sex is fake.
â â â â consumers can become so preoccupied with chasing something that isnât real that they miss out on actual relationships. In fact, people who view â â â â regularly are less likely to get married than those who do not. Researchers suggest this may be because consumers see â â â â as a substitute for sexual gratification in a relationship.51
Over the years, we have received countless messages from partners of â â â â consumers who feel deeply hurt by their partnersâ â â â â habits. Individuals who learn of their partnerâs â â â â habit often internalize their shame and confusion, asking themselves why they arenât enough.52
Hundreds of studies show that â â â â can be toxic to relationships. â â â â is not a harmless pastime, especially when itâs hurting a romantic partner. Itâs time to refocus on whatâs real.
The harmful effects of â â â â donât always revolve around romantic partners. Weâve heard from many Fighters who have reached out to us telling how â â â â has harmed their family relationships. When consumers become engrossed enough in their â â â â habit, they can start to neglect important aspects of their lives, including family relationships.
Regardless, modeling healthy behaviorsâincluding not letting â â â â control your lifeâis an important part of being a secure parent. Help promote a healthy lifestyle for you and your family.
Again, for consumers who become wrapped up enough in their â â â â habit, they can also begin to isolate themselves from valuable social time with friends. Additionally, some â â â â consumers start to feel shame about their â â â â habit, which make them feel even more isolated from their support systems.53 Disconnect from â â â â , reconnect with the people around you.
A number of peer-reviewed studies have found a link between pornography consumption and mental health outcomes like depression,54 anxiety,55 loneliness,56 lower life satisfaction,57 and poorer self-esteem and overall mental health.58
These studies have found that these links are particularly strong when pornography is consumed to try to escape negative emotions, and also when pornography consumption becomes heavy and compulsive.59 Quitting â â â â can help interrupt the unhealthy cycle of escapism and mental health issues.
According to qualitative research involving individuals who wanted to quit â â â â , many reported feeling that they had âlost control over [their] own behavior.â60
Getting caught in an unhealthy or even addictive cycle of pornography limits the feeling of control a consumer has over their life. Although it may take some time, quitting â â â â can allow you to take back that control and live a healthier life.
Watching â â â â isnât âexploring your sexual fantasies/preferences.â Itâs allowing a toxic industry to dictate your sexual template for youâitâs internalizing misogyny, racism, aggression, and all-around unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for sex. Reenacting whatever youâve seen in â â â â does not make you a great sexual partner, it just makes you a non-communicative one.
Unplugging from â â â â will help you become more in tune with what you and your partner want instead of influencing you to reenact what youâve seen in â â â â .
As a sex-positive organization, weâre here to tell you that an industry that glorifies a lack of consent, fetishizes race, and ignores mutual pleasure is not sex-positive. Not to mention, research consistently shows that â â â â consumption is associated with sexual dysfunction (for both men and women) and decreased sexual satisfaction.6162
Rejecting â â â â âs toxic narratives is unequivocally pro-sexâitâs about discovering what you want, and not letting a multi-billion dollar industry dictate your sexual template for you. Be the author of your own sexuality, not an imitation of something that isnât even real.
A â â â â habit can consume your time, attention, and energy. Research shows that many â â â â consumers report neglecting basic needs like eating or sleeping in favor of watching â â â â .63
Without healthy food and sleep habits, your body can easily feel drained of the emotional, physical, and mental energy it needs to keep up with the daily hustle of life. By turning off the monitor, you can refocus on building healthy habits.
Many consumers use â â â â as a form of escapism to avoid their challenges rather than facing them in healthy ways. Interestingly enough, research indicates that those who consumed pornography to avoid uncomfortable emotions had some of the lowest reports of emotional and mental wellbeing.64 By letting go of â â â â as an escapism technique, you can build more emotional resilience.
For an industry that is often culturally thought of as being allied with the LGBTQ+ community, the mainstream â â â â industryâs depictions of LGBTQ+ individuals and relationships suggest that they are less interested in accurate representation and more interested in profiting at the expense of LGBTQ+ people.
â â â â often fetishizes sexual orientation or gender identity, uses degrading terms to describe LGBTQ+ people, and misrepresents them through harmful and degrading stereotypes.
According to study that tracked couples over time, â â â â consumption was the second strongest indicator that a relationship would suffer.65 Plus, research consistently shows that â â â â consumers are twice as likely to later report experiencing a divorce or breakupâeven after controlling for marital happiness, sexual satisfaction, and other relevant factors.666768
There is no substitute for real connection, and â â â â isnât worth risking that.
Paula Hall, a sex and â â â â addiction therapist, says sexcam addicts make up an increasingly large number of clients who come to her seeking help, and that users become hooked on these fantasies that feel more like a personal relationship than free â â â â . âPeople start spending more time and money than they intend to⊠They keep chasing the same dopamine hit.â69
Even if youâre not personally spending money on â â â â , your time spent on â â â â sites is contributing money to a toxic industry.
â â â â can easily reinforce self-centered sexual behavior by focusing only on the consumerâs desires and boundaries. In real-life sexual experiences, communication, consent, and mutual pleasure are keyâall of which are rarely shown in â â â â .70
â â â â culture has normalized getting exactly what you want sexually, exactly when and how you want it. With so many people consuming pornography, is it any wonder that many are developing attitudes of sexual entitlement?71 Feeling entitled to anyone elseâs body is a dangerous notion, and itâs not healthy.
Qualitative research reveals that problematic consumers who are trying to give up â â â â often report regretting the âwasted timeâ they could have been spending on hobbies or other worthwhile pursuits.72
Pornography is not only a passive activity rather than a hobby, but it can be a destructive passive activity. Plus, replacing unhealthy habits with healthy ones is a great tip to quitâstart exercising, learn some new recipes, take up knitting, whatever!
Who should you really believeâhundreds upon hundreds of peer-reviewed studies, survivors, and the personal experiences of countless people? Or a multi-billion dollar industry that makes money off of getting you to believe their product is harmless?
Research analyzing the content of the most-viewed â â â â videos of all time reveals that only 18% of women compared to 78% of men were depicted as reaching orgasm.73 Thatâs a pretty significant gap, and can perpetuate male-centered sexual experiences rather than promoting mutual pleasure.
Research indicates that teen-themed â â â â often refers to the portrayal of underage individuals, and that this theme is becoming increasingly popular.74 Thatâs especially disturbing, considering that â â â â can be so effective at normalizing sexual violence that many sexual predators use â â â â to groom their victims and desensitize them to sexual advances.7576
According to one report, of the domestic minor trafficking victims who had been forced into â â â â production, the average age they began being filmed was 12.8 years old.77 In order to combat child sexual exploitation, itâs important to be educated on its prevalence and be aware of the conditions that may be fueling itâincluding extreme pornography from the mainstream industry.
Itâs no secret that the â â â â industry profits from nonconsensual content and abuse, so avoiding â â â â is an effective and meaningful way to support the countless survivors of image-based sexual abuse, sex trafficking, and child sexual abuse material. Not only are â â â â consumers more likely to victim-blame survivors of sexual assault7879 and more likely to support violence against women,8081 but itâs virtually impossible to guarantee that the â â â â youâre watching is ethically, consensually, or even legally made. Listen to survivors, and stand with them in solidarity.
â â â â and shame are inextricably linked. In fact, research shows that shame can actually fuel problematic â â â â habits, leading to an unhealthy cycle of both â â â â and shame.82
Letting go of both â â â â and shame can be an incredibly empowering experience that can help you live a healthier life. As one Fighter explained after quitting â â â â , âIâm not ashamed of myself all the time. It feels like Iâm finally myself.â
Addictive habits can make us lose sight of our priorities and ultimately feel unproductive. Our grades slip, our passion for projects dwindle, and our relationships can become abandoned.
One study of adolescent boys showed that increased pornography consumption was associated with decreased academic performance six months later.83
Paula Hall, the sex and â â â â addiction therapist we mentioned earlier also says that some â â â â addicts âstart noticing they are not spending time with loved ones, or are leaving the club early to spend more time on these sites. They might then gravitate toward using them at work. Often it ends with them using the work computer. That can end their career and Iâve seen people lose a marriage over it.â84
In fact, real stories of people being caught watching â â â â at work prove that more and more people are putting their jobs at risk by looking at â â â â during work hours. Donât let this destructive material ruin the things that matter most for your daily life.
Remember earlier when we talked about how research indicates that as few as 1 in 3 and as many as 9 in 10 â â â â scenes contain physical violence or aggression? Well, that same research also shows that women are almost always the targets of that violence or aggression in â â â â âapproximately 97% of the time.8586
Violence against women is unfortunately common in pornography, and research also suggests that it can have an effect on peopleâs sexual attitudes and behaviors.87
A recent poll found that the more â â â â a man consumes, the more likely he is to be dissatisfied with his penis size. And the same goes for women with male partnersâthe more â â â â they consume, the less satisfied they are with their partnerâs penis size.88
With airbrushed images and highly edited scenes, â â â â can easily set the stage for body dysmorphia. But real, flawed human bodies are unique and beautiful. A world without â â â â and synthetic beauty is a world where comparison doesnât overtake appreciation. Ditch the â â â â and its unrealistic body expectations.
By raising awareness on this important issue, you wonât just be another person in the crowd following alongâyouâll be helping to shift the culture that feeds into a toxic industry. Donât be a followerâtake a stand and be the change you want to see in the world.
Many consumers watch â â â â when theyâre feeling lonely, but research actually shows that pornography fuels loneliness.89
Researchers found that the relationship between â â â â and loneliness was bidirectional, meaning those who viewed pornography were more likely to feel lonely, and those who felt lonely were more likely to view pornography. At the end of the day, â â â â fuels an unhealthy cycle of loneliness that just isnât worth it.
Weâve said it before and weâll say it againâthereâs no viable way to guarantee that the â â â â youâre watching is truly consensual, ethical, or even legal. For those who have been abused, manipulated, or coerced in â â â â , contributing to the viewership of that trauma can feel like re-victimization to survivors.
As one former performer told us, âI hate that ten years later, people are still watching my most humiliating and traumatizing moments out of the consent I gave in my teens and twenties as an addicted, alcoholic, traumatized young woman running from her dangerous off-â â â â life. I wish âconsentâ had an expiration.â
Instead of healthy levels of stress, which can help motivate us in healthy doses, research suggests that â â â â can contribute to an unhealthy cycle of stress, which is actually one of the hallmarks of addiction.90
As one individual who successfully quit â â â â told us, âThe stress and anxiety that used to be persistent in my life is basically gone.â
Sexual objectification occurs when people perceive others as sex objects, rather than complex human beings deserving of dignity and respect. In fact, in a review of research on sexual violence, two leading experts called sexual objectification the âcommon threadâ that connects different forms of sexual violence.91
Consuming pornography is often objectification in practice, so itâs no surprise that research routinely shows that frequent â â â â consumers are more likely to sexually objectify and dehumanize others.929394 Letâs be the kind of people who treat people like people.
Donât take sex tips from an industry that profits from fake orgasms. Enough said.
Popular â â â â plot lines often include incest, racism, sexism, misrepresentation of the LGBTQIA+ community, underaged teens being taken advantage of, rape, manipulation, etc. By avoiding â â â â , youâre avoiding contributing to the normalization and glorification of toxic narratives, and thatâs a great thing.
Plus, by ditching â â â â , youâre also helping to protect yourself from developing toxic attitudes based on those â â â â themes.
Research indicates that consuming â â â â is linked with more negative body image, lower self-esteem, and poorer mental health.9596 By kicking the habit, you can start to build confidence in all aspects of life.
Itâs no secret that â â â â glorifies aspects of toxic relationships. Whether thatâs cheating, incest, a lack of communication, coercion, or lopsided relationship dynamics, normalizing unhealthy relationships isnât okay. Real intimacy offers so much more. Real intimacy is a world of satisfaction and excitement that doesnât disappear when the screen goes off. Itâs the breathtaking risk of being vulnerable with another human being.
Itâs inviting them not just into your bedroom, but into your heart and life. Real intimacy is about what we give, not just what we get. â â â â doesnât portray true connections, it can only scratch the surface.
Relationships require work. They arenât always flawless, and sex (if sex is involved) wonât be easy and perfect every single time. Love can be messy but thatâs the beauty of itâitâs real, not synthetic. Itâs natural, not produced. â â â â can be the opposite of connectionâitâs isolating and self-focused. Real connection is immeasurably better than â â â â because real connection is exactly thatâitâs real. Ditch the â â â â and develop healthier relationship expectations.
Being a supportive partner includes being sensitive to the feelings and needs of your partner and what might be causing them pain. According to a 2015 study, previous partnersâ pornography consumption predicted womenâs levels of feeling sexually objectified, higher levels of body shame, and even lead to increased eating disorder symptomatology.97
Additionally, â â â â has been shown to foster unrealistic expectations that partners feel they can never live up to in a real relationship.98 Many partners internalize their shame and confusion, asking themselves why they arenât âenough.â99
In fact, one study found that the frequency of an individualâs â â â â consumption was negatively correlated with their partnerâs sense of self-esteem, level of relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction.100 Invest in your relationship, support your partner, and let go of â â â â âitâs not worth it.
Taking the challenge to give up â â â â is not always easy, but by quitting â â â â , youâre taking a stand against a dangerous, exploitative industry and building healthier habits for you and your relationships.
No matter your reasons, giving up â â â â is definitely something you can be proud of. You got this!
What would you do and who would you become if you knew you couldnât fail?
Start a business? Run a marathon? Ask out that guy? Lose 25 pounds? Take a vacation?
Recently, many of us wrestled with some version of this question. We looked at our dreams, our hopes, and even our shortcomings and tried to determine if we have what it takes to make them happen in 2023.
The intent? To hopefully take steps toward living a better life. Whatever that means.
âWhateverâ is usually inspired by a circumstance.
Whatever the circumstance, 37% of us will come up with an answer for the question of what we want to accomplish and who we want to become this year.
One-third of these resolution-setters will give up within the first 30 days.
Most people determine that itâs just not worth it. Likely because, at one point, they failed to keep their resolution which became proof that certain change or growth might be impossible. It is what it is.
What if the problem isnât the resolution itself?
What if the problem is actually how youâre thinking about the circumstance that is highlighting that a change might be necessary?
Recently, I was listening to a podcast and Dr. Katrina Ubell taught through what she called the Thought Model. I have to admit, itâs not a new concept if youâve been around Pure Desire for any length of time. Itâs really similar to what we refer to as the Iceberg Illustration.
But listening to Dr. Ubellâs explanation of the model brought this concept to life for me in a new way.
Hereâs how the Thought Model works:
Circumstances are verifiable facts. Theyâre not based on opinion or up for debate. Everyone, everywhere would agree. When I step on the scale and see the number, itâs not up for debate. The number is a verifiable fact. This number isnât communicating anything to me beyond the âgravitational pull of the earthâ on my body in that specific moment.
Circumstances themselves are not good, bad, right, or wrong. They just are.
How we think about our circumstances is what gives it meaning. When I see the number on the scale, I usually think something along the lines of, âIâm fatâ or âHow did I gain this much weight again?â My wife says Iâm not fat. Sheâs not wrong.
But these are my thoughts about the number on the scale. The scale doesnât start yelling obscenities at me. My brain does. Why? Because at one point I worked really hard and lost 80 pounds. Three years and our first child later, I havenât quite cracked the code to managing this lower weight. And my brain doesnât let me forget it.
You know what my brain does conveniently let me forget? Iâm still down roughly 35 pounds from my highest ever weight. The truth is that, even if my brain forgets, I might not be where I want to beâthereâs definitely room for improvementâbut Iâm not where I once was.
The number itself is not the issue. How I think about the number causes me to feel a certain way about my circumstance.
Whatâs the difference between a thought and a feeling? While a feeling is usually one word, a thought is a sentence. Our thoughts produce feelings.
âIâm fatâ is a thought that produces feelings of disgust, shame, and embarrassment. Especially when I compound âIâm fatâ with the thought âI used to weigh so much less.â Now, I feel like a failure.
In Pure Desire groups, people often share that they feel worthless, dirty, stupid, fake, and other similar feelings. This is, in part, because of the nature of the behaviors that brought them to group in the first place (the circumstances). But itâs mostly because of the thoughts they have toward themselves and their circumstances. Usually, as shame is broken through the group process, these thoughts are transformed by Scripture and loving community.
For someone who struggles to identify and name their feelings, it will likely be challenging to know which thoughts are causing these feelings. Whatâs worse, these feelings will be the driving force behind the actions theyâre taking.
Feelings drive actions.
Previously, when I lost 80 pounds, the prevailing thought was âI can do this.â In part because I saw a lot of external evidence of other people who had successfully conquered their weight. Recently, these feelings of disgust, shame, and embarrassment have only led to managing the status quo because I ultimately feel like Iâm just going to fail again. Iâll gain weight again (like always).
If our thoughts are creating feelings of strength and power, weâre more likely to make healthy choices. Similarly, when our thoughts create feelings of shame or embarrassment, our actions arenât typically very healthy.
Our actions determine our results.
Most people understand that healthy choices will lead to desirable outcomes. The opposite is also true.
The most damaging part of this entire process is that our results become further proof or evidence of our original thought. When I overeat, itâs evidence that Iâm fat and thereâs no hope for me to be happy in my own body.
We donât change because we donât make the choices necessary to create change.
What if our thoughts were helpful? What if we recognized our circumstances for what they are and we began to form powerful thoughts around them? We could accomplish almost anything. We could become the person we want God created us to be.
There have been many great articles written on goal-setting and habit formation. I donât want to regurgitate what we likely have heard or read a thousand times before because if it was helpful, we probably would have had more success with our resolutions.
Instead, I want to offer three ideas that will hopefully augment the tips and tools youâve heard and read before.
Resolutions that work are couched in a fair and realistic assessment of your circumstances. The thought model shows us that our circumstances are a direct result of our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
If we are unwilling to accurately depict our current circumstances, we will be unable to truly change. We have to remember that the circumstances themselves are just information. We can act on good information.
The reality of your circumstances may include a separation from your spouse, a called-off engagement, and/or financial hardship. These are difficult circumstances and theyâre painful to face but theyâre informative. Your circumstances are communicating that you must change if you want to be in a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
The Thought Model reveals how critical it is that we think good thoughts about ourselves and our circumstances. We should really be checking our thoughts against Scripture. In his letter to the Philippians, the Apostle Paul writes,
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirableâif anything is excellent or praiseworthyâthink about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in meâput it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:7-9 (NIV)
Paul makes a direct connection between thinking good thoughts and the peace of God. AND, itâs the transcendent peace of God which guards our hearts and minds.
This is one of the reasons tools like the FASTER Scale, Personal/Prophetic Promises, and The Feeling Wheel are so important in your first year of recovery.
Realistic resolutions are impossible if the thoughts driving the change are not in line with what God says about you in Scripture.
People who accomplish great feats evaluate their results early and often to ensure theyâre on track. Setting realistic resolutions is a commitment to pausing often to evaluate and adjust. Adjust your thoughts, feelings, and actions so that your results are moving you in the right direction and providing you with more evidence (confidence) of your good thoughts.
In Pure Desire groups, the Commitment To Change serves this purpose. We take a look at the upcoming week and try to anticipate the Double Bind we may face and strategize accordingly. During the Weekly Check-in, you recognize the plan has holes and adjustments are needed moving forward. Letâs apply this idea to creating realistic resolutions.
You want to establish a devotional routine but are struggling to wake up and have the hour youâd like for Bible study, prayer, and journaling. Since you canât do the full hour like you envisioned, you donât try to do any of it. Maybe your resolution is a bit too aggressive, so you adjust to a 15 minute devotional for now.
But maybe your resolution is not aggressive enough. You identified regular social media use as part of your pattern of acting out. So you decided to limit your use to 30 minutes a day. Yet youâre still struggling with comparing yourself to others and going down a path you know isnât healthy for you. As you evaluate this resolution and if itâs accomplishing its intended purpose, you realize itâs not and that youâre better off giving up social media altogether for a season.
Itâs never too late to evaluate your goals and make intentional adjustments. If youâve already given up on your resolutions, itâs okay. Identify your thoughts, feelings, and actions using the Thought Model and recommit to yourself.
In 2 Corinthians 10, Paul writes,
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not wage battle according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, 6 and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.
2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (NASB)
The Thought Model gives us a powerful framework to practice taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. This is an important practice for all people but especially those in recovery.
Statista, Have you kept your New Yearâs resolutions for 2022 so far? Statista Research Department, November 15, 2022. Retrieved from United States - sticking to New Year's resolutions for 2022 | Statista.
I was recently reviewing material for a workshop I am creating when I came across this quote from one of my classes: âThere is more to life than sobriety.â
This may be a crazy idea for anyone struggling with giving up an addiction or coping behavior. In my experience, it was not so hard getting sober, rather it was hard staying sober. Living out recovery was about denying myself in order to be addiction-free. Staying free is more difficult. It requires paying close attention to what we are thinking and feeling so we can react appropriately.
This got me thinking beyond just managing my sobriety and onto diving into some inner work. It involved looking at what I was missing when it came to being a functional adult and responding in accordance to my values and equal self-esteem with others.
I took a fresh look at my Sobriety Plan and made the concept of âmaintaining your sobrietyâ more accessible to all my recovery efforts, whether it was my addiction, coping behavior (anger), or my hurt from betrayals.
Looking at the Sobriety Plan, I first replaced the word âsobrietyâ with âmy recovery.â I know sobriety implies addiction, but I flipped it here, because even if you are on the receiving end of anotherâs addictive behaviors, you are in ârecovery.â The efforts you put into your work from trauma are your recovery.
I then replaced the word âmaintainâ with the word âprotect.â So now I have a âPlan to Protect my Recovery.â This feels more empowering to me. It conveys that I am in charge of my own recovery. I have the ability to set the limits I need to protect my efforts to live a life free of addiction or unhealthy coping behaviors, or to restore safety in a relationship.
As many of you know, I talk a lot about boundaries. It is the number one thing I first talk about in counseling. Boundaries are self-imposed limits I set for myself to protect my recovery efforts and to protect my self-esteem. These boundaries define my personal space, my sexuality, and my internal wellbeing. Boundaries let me be me: my authentic self.
Sounds good, doesnât it? Keep readingâŠ
The word âboundariesâ is discussed a lot in recovery, but what exactly does it mean to have boundaries? In counseling, some people tell me that they donât have boundaries. This may be true for them, but I believe we all have boundaries. We just donât have the confidence to use or speak them. Nor do we have the self-esteem to enforce them.
As I said, boundaries are self-imposed limits we set and enforce that protect our self-esteem and values. One of the first words you most likely utilized around the age of two, the word âno,â was a boundary indicating that you had an opposition to what was going on around you. Momma was impeding your enjoyment of running through the house naked, so you ran away yelling ânoâ when she tried to corral you. Eventually you learned Momâs limit (or boundary to your ârebellionâ) by her firm hand. Then with love and belonging your relationship got back to normal.
There are two types of boundary systems: external and internal. These two systems serve to contain and protect. Both systems govern what we take in from others and what we give out to others.
The external system governs our physical and sexual space. When it comes to protection, you have the right to control how close someone gets to you and who can touch you. This extends to your personal property (i.e., purse, wallet, phone, computer, drawers, etc.). You also have the right to rescind that access if you no longer feel safe or comfortable with that person. With regard to sexual space, you have the right to control with whom, when, and how you are going to be sexual. For containing, you are responsible for how you approach others for physical or sexual contact. These boundaries apply to others too and you are responsible to honor this.
Like the external system, our internal boundary system serves to protect and contain our values and self-esteem. We do this by setting limits on what we think and feel thus helping us contain how we speak to others about our needs. Internal boundaries act as a filter that sorts through what others are saying and screens out messages coming in and going out to and from the world or people. We want to filter out what is not true about us and block any false assessment that may have affected our values or self-esteem. We protect our self-esteem and values by how we listen. We also contain our expression of feelings, needs, and wants by how we talk to others.
Hopefully, youâre still with me.
Boundary work is by far the most labor intensive work I have done. It is like learning a new language and is best done in childhood. Boundaries are a form of self-care after we have a built a self-esteem that says I am not âless than you,â nor am I âbetter than you.â We are all equal in our relationships. In other words, we respect each otherâs feelings and point of view. Once your self-esteem is established, you can then go about boundary work in relationships.
In keeping with the format of the Sobriety Plan, here is what a âPlan to Protect my Recoveryâ might look like.
Letâs say hugs at church are uncomfortable for you. Your boundary might be I do not hug anyone except my spouse or kids. (Itâs Covid safe anyway.) So, when someone reaches out for a hug, you step back and express an external boundary like this: âIâm sorry; I only hug my husband and kids.â Period. No need to explain or defend.
Letâs say you struggle with sexual images in movies or TV shows. Your boundary may be I do not watch R-rated movies, unless I have first investigated to see why it has this rating. I will discuss it with my accountability partner before I watch it.
Letâs say you struggle with anxiety and have a lot of intrusive thoughts about the betrayal by your spouse. Your mind runs through many scenarios which elevates your anger or fear. Your boundary may need to be When I catch myself running through negative thoughts, I will stop and redirect my thoughts to ___________________. Anxious thoughts are one of the most difficult mental boundaries to set. Fear sees danger. Anxiety imagines danger. You will need to discern the reality of the threat.
Letâs say you struggle with anger. You will need a boundary that contains how you respond when feeling angry: When I feel my ire rising, I will stop, take a deep breath, and take a time out to calm down. When I have calmed down, I will return to the conversation. Repeat if necessary. Can you identify the internal boundary and the expression of the external boundary?
If God seems distant from you, if you feel God is mad or disappointed in you, you may need to filter out what you were trained to believe about Him. A boundary might be, In order to protect my spiritual recovery, I will take the time to research, examine the scriptures, and meditate on Godâs Word to discover for myself how God truly feels about me or what His thoughts are toward me.
By now you may have formed a defense against some of the boundary statements I have made. You may be asking, âWhat ifâŠ?â This is why the internal boundary system is difficult to rewire. It is a language system easier learned when you are young. It is the language of living safe in a world full of hurting, wounded people that hurt others. As an adult, your emotional coding is pretty set in place, but you can rewire it.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
It is possible to rewire and renew your neuropathways.
Practicing boundary work is a lifelong process. I encourage you to find a friend to practice your boundary work with. It will not be perfect because you will need to let go of feeling responsible for what others think and feel. Assuming you are diplomatic with your containing boundary, you do not need to tiptoe around another personâs feelings. We are responsible for our own âstuff.â
Boundary work is how you learn to feel safe within your perimeter and it will help you develop resiliency to the hurt and harm of this life.
This is a summarized adaptation of protect and contain boundary functions that is adapted from Pia Mellodyâs Post Induction Therapy training (1992, Pia Mellody). You can read more about boundaries in The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love, by Pia Mellody and Lawrence S. Freundlich
Decades of studies from respected institutions have demonstrated significant impacts of â â â â consumption for individuals, relationships, and society.
Articles By TopicMore Stats & Facts
When it comes to the topic of â â â â , one of the most common questions is whether or not it can actually be addictive. According to many addiction experts, it absolutely can be.
Listen to this article
Does the name âPavlovâ ring any bells for you?
In case it doesnât, hereâs a refresher. Ivan Pavlov was a Russian researcher during the early 1900s who became famous for his laboratory full of dogs. Thatâs because one day he discovered that, at meal times, the dogs would salivateânot only when they saw their food, but when they first heard the footsteps of their caretakers.
This discovery fascinated Pavlov, so he began to experiment. In the popular version of the story, Pavlov started ringing a bell every time he fed the dogs and, sure enough, they soon began to salivate whenever they heard the bell.
Since those famous Nobel Prize-winning experiments, the Pavlovian responseâor âconditioningââhas become a basis for many psychological theories, not to mention a regular pop culture reference (âMint, Dwight?â). In essence, what Pavlov discovered is that our brains can form subconscious associations between things, even if those things may seem unrelated. And once those associations are formed, they can produce powerful psychological, emotional, and physiological responses.
So what does all of this have to do with â â â â ?
The science of Behavioral Psychology has come a long way since Pavlovâs discovery. We understand far more today about the associations our brains can create, and some researchers have theorized that certain kinds of Pavlovian Conditioning might help explain two of the great mysteries of addictions and compulsive behaviors: 1) Why do people continue to engage in these behaviors, even when the behaviors bring them nothing but emptiness or suffering? And 2) why is it so easy to relapse into these behaviors, sometimes even years after the person has stopped?
Now, before we continue, letâs address the elephant in the roomâpornography addiction.
To start, we want to be clear that not everyone who consumes pornography is âaddicted.â In fact, experts have pointed out that while some individuals can become addicted to â â â â , the majority of â â â â consumers are not addicted.1 While this article focuses on the science behind pornography addiction, keep in mind that many of the negative effects of pornography consumption can still affect consumers, regardless of whether their habits qualify as diagnosable addictions.
So what qualifies something as an addiction? According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, addiction is defined as âa treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individualâs life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.â2 As many experts agree, pornography consumption is a behavior that can, in fact, qualify as an addiction in serious cases.345
Because so much of addiction happens neurologically, some experts have determined four major brain changes common to addicted brains: sensitization, desensitization, hypofrontality, and a malfunctioning stress system.6 Spoiler alert: research confirms that each of these brain changes can be found in cases of pornography consumption.78910
While each of these brain changes is discussed at length throughout our Get the Facts series, this article focuses primarily on sensitization and its presence in problematic pornography consumption.
According to one theory on the roots of addictionâthe âincentive sensitizationâ theoryârepeatedly engaging in addictive behaviors can create powerful memories and associations between the substance or behavior and the things that surround it.11
Because of those powerful associations, certain cues can generate intense psychological responses or cravings that can then pull the addict back to the substance or behavior. In everyday conversation, we sometimes refer to sensitization as the feeling of being âtriggered.â For example, a former smoker may say with total sincerity, âI hate cigarettes. Cigarettes ruined my health. I hope I never see another cigarette in my life.â And yet if they experience certain âcuesââthe smell of tobacco, the place where they used to smoke, or even just a certain time of dayâthey may experience sudden urges, which can be incredibly difficult to resist.
These connections can sometimes last for years, even after quitting. This same sensitization process can happen with â â â â . In fact, dozens of studies have exhibited sensitizationâs role in problematic â â â â consumption, including a number of studies that also illustrate the similarity between substance addiction and compulsive pornography consumption.12131415161718
Related: How â â â â Can Affect the Brain Like a Drug
One of the most interesting aspects of sensitization is the distinction it draws between the large and powerful âwantingâ part of our brain, and the relatively small âlikingâ portion. In the case of â â â â , for example, repeated use can cause the âlikingâ part of our brain to become numb to â â â â âs effects (see our article on desensitization) even as the connections being formed by the âwantingâ portion of our brain are becoming more and more entrenched.
So, for example, a person who continually looks at â â â â when theyâre lonely or bored, may find that loneliness or boredom trigger an intense desire to view â â â â , even as the â â â â itself brings less and less pleasure.
Related: How â â â â Can Negatively Impact Love and Intimacy
Combined with the other brain changes inherent to addiction, sensitization can make â â â â incredibly difficult to quit.
The good news, however, is that change is absolutely possible. Research and the experiences of thousands of people have demonstrated that over time pornographyâs negative effects can be managed and largely reversed.1920
In fact, even in cases of serious substance and other addictions, research shows that the brain can heal over time with sustained effort.212223 Research also indicates that, while guilt can motivate healthy change, shame actually fuels problematic â â â â habits.24 So if youâre trying to give up â â â â , be kind to yourself and be patient with your progress.
Like anything, it takes time for the brain to recover, but daily efforts make a big difference in the long run. Think of it like a muscle that gets bigger and stronger the more you use itâthe longer you stay away from â â â â , the easier it is to do so. All it takes is practice.
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted â â â â habit, and track your recovery journey.
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