Meanwhile People who took bio maths like me
Btw all the best for ur exams 
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ultra legends
@The_integrous_one is one of them too .
I actually had the idea of taking bio maths for a long time till the end of boards , I was not sure . Given , both bio and math interested me equally , though I find math more comforting , that might have taken over . Well , it was a good decision as I feel now , only subject I can sit studying as long as I want
thanks btw
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True. The Biology u see in 10th is not the Biology u see in 11th. Its a nightmare unless u have some passion towards it.
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Yeah , it was more like just passion towards knowledge . I wasn’t interested in medical or other field
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Never regretted that except in first terminal exams of 11th when I thought I might fail in bio lol, because I was taking it too lightly until exams.
I found bio comforting as well but I always knew I couldn’t be a doctor 
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'll The best bruh 
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Yep , its enough
Enough of the same crap over and over again .
The same cycle of relapses everytime , Im tired .
This is not going to stop until I start doing something very real and strong .
Its time to take control , no words , no fake emotions . Nothing
Only work
A New Arc
Time left : 10 months 
1) 9 March - 29 march
- Build Sleep schedule
- Complete weak portions and revise full syllabus
- Bring Study time to : 10 hours
- Daily Exercise
- Meditate
- Habit tracker : Online diary
- Journal : Offline diary
- No social media
Reading list :
- Can’t Hurt Me ( arriving tomorrow )
- Atomic Habits ( incomplete)
Mindset changes :
- less emotional
- accept lustful thoughts and let them pass / get busy instead of fighting them all the time
- Awareness of thoughts
- not fantasizing
- act mature
Day 1 (08/03/2024) :
1. wake up early
2. basic exercise
3. journal + meditate ( mindset building )
4. Study ( 6 hours )
5. Journal
6. Sleep early
7. Min screen time
I have to do this , there is no other way . I will end up doing the same mistakes if I don’t burn and build now .
Happy Birthday big brother @The_integrous_one
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Thanks a lot little brother 
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Its been a while
If I sum up from where I left here , I was completely lost whole march , fucked up completely .
Well I restarted from April , a new session and a new mission and I started doing well , 3 days later I lost my maternal grandmother and it was shocking to the core . I was in my cousin’s house for 10 days and also quite mentally disturbed . I hoped to have a bright start when I came back home but it was not quite it , I fucked up again and then started to change things . From them , its been roughly 20 days but I have moved a lot ahead . I have took on studying as my only acitivity to focus on all day and cut off all the major screen time but I eventually was still having relapses once in a week , and now after multiple weeks , I do not want to ignore it . Because I watched ■■■■ in the last few days and then now today , I have had multiple relapses . Even if go on to ignore it , and focus on studying , I do not want to be the person I am right now , internally . I don’t want to continue to be giving up to these shitty urges , being addicted to beating off myself , being fearful and doubtful . It is hard to accept myself as this personality , my personality is basically dead and I do not look so good either . No wonder , I have not exercised well since 1 year , I lack muscles , glow and confidence . I want to leave this completely and get myself back .
I kind of forgot why I started doing this for a long time , not again …
So from right now , I not only have the goal to be academically successful , everyone wants me to just crack that and I working to it my best towards it , but I will never be able to improve it to the limit and will be stuck at the same place if I do not get control over this . And I have learnt the right ways , I wasn’t doing it shouldn’t be an excuse either because its my duty . This is the last year and I know my potential .
I am doing my best conditionally in studies , but if I succeed to control all the things which limit me and manage to improve day by day , I can be a lot ahead of many people , by the end of the year.
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I have managed to reject negativity and be more positive , it has definitely helped . What I have right now are a few good habits and a clear goal .
I will start off tomorrow with exercising and meditating . I need more goal making and positive habits .
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Only 5 months remain
I started this journey 1 year and 2 months ago and I grew up becoming the worst version of me possible for 10 months straight .
Last 4 months have been an upgrade to a different person , more mature and clear . Lot more studying , but not enough .
But I would like to confess that I mentally fucked up in between , I wanted to be free from ■■■■ but I couldn’t do it , all those misconceptions , fears and urges kept backtracking me and I relapsed consequently after 10 - 15 days . I was stuck in between leaving it or letting it be . But I def couldn’t be that person . I had a very hard time for a few weeks , bad incidents , my parents were really angry too and I wasn’t very stable either , health worsened too . It felt like frustration all the time and giving up everything . Its been 18 - 20 days since that now and I am a lot better . Socializing more , seeing more . Not completely recovered from those incidents though . In the back my mind , I somewhere feel its due to self induced fear and hatred , some leftout misconceptions which I haven’t let go yet . I was focusing on studying and wasn’t really getting time for myself but I need to do a few things now since I need a mind less of worries .
So I have to worker harder , harder than ever while also making sure that my previous hardwork doesn’t go in vain . I am here to hold myself accountable for a few things :
- meditating daily
- exercising alternating days
- sleeping on time
- cutting off thoughts and overthinking
- killing leftover screen usage
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It could not be back then
but definitely was this time
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Bro identifies as nofapper 
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Putting real name at first wasnt a good idea
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Oh lord what have I done
After all of that time . After going through all that hell , I had sought to never look back at it again ,
But always those bad thoughts come around again at nights , in dreams , urges . I just had to be doing my work and say no to any thoughts . Well , I fucked up by distracting myself for one day . ( instant guilt after relapse )
(15 mins later)
Its time to be honest and clear ,
Its because of my mindset , I have taken too much in the last few weeks , my parents found out about my addiction and taunted me hard for being like this . They asked me to work honestly for the next 6 months and not waste time in these . At that time , I had relapsed stressing about not scoring enough even after working better , and those were many relapses in a week after a decent break because I couldnt hold my emotions after the first one . That fucked me up even worse and I started beating myself , crying while at home and making false delusions in my mind followed by falling sick . I decided to forget all about it as it never happened as it was haunting me bad . But in the back of my mind , it was still there . All that time , it felt like I am not in control , I was just giving my part of studying , but there was no motivation , only negativity and brain fog . I was consequently judging myself about the bad things happening and had no strength . My dopamine system had plunged and I could not be happy enough . My focus and memory were further affected too . Ive been feeling like since that , until today , one peek took me to relapse .
Basically , I am afraid…afraid of not being able to escape it . Afraid of having to go through weeks of low dopamine and focus , afraid of not being able to make it ever , afraid of being a disappointment to my parents and lastly of my thoughts which make me think all of this . And peeking and relapse does nothing but amplify this fear because now the number ‘0’ comes into play . The dopamine surge followed by demotivation after 15 - 20 days have been making it worse . And the feeling of self hatred have taken away the remaining joy I had through everyday life . And the fear comes up as intrusive thoughts and dreams even after I am a number of days ahead .I was getting weird dreams and mind felt heavy in the morning .
Conclusions :Lots of Fear , not letting go , hardcore negativity , lack of willpower , uncontrollable thoughts and not taking actions to control myself .
And not completing easy peasy
This post was to make sure I take it as a lesson and dont repeat it all again .
Looking at the brighter side , I now tried to see everything bad that had grew in my thinking because of negativity . I have not lost anything , I am gaining back control this time .
Please give suggestions on how to let go of traumatic thoughts and being clear :
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you are experiencing something almost similiar to what i experienced while preaparing for neet for the first drop in my home
i can literally see myself in your words
and its sure very hard to get out of it, you keeo doubting yourself and time flies by
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Its like I want to take control but I can’t . I end up relapsing more than once because of it too just like now . I just want to let go of feeling like this but its always there in the back of mind and with every relapse , it gets worse . And if I dont do anything again this time , worse thoughts are to come because I expected this to be the last . I want to feel free and happy so bad but theres always fear of it taking time / identity of being an addict . It fucks of so much time and strength , I cannot even be strong .
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