In the following i would like to talk about the struggle that i had with my addicted self, i’m going to call it AE , which stands for Addicted Ego. It is that poisoned voice in your head that tells you to PMO, rationalising , giving you negative thoughts and so on. I will try to rebuild the conversations I had with myself during my journey.
Then i decided to split myself from the Addicted Ego, to not accept these poisoned thoughts anymore for good. Let us begin.
Some while back, during one of my relapses
Addicted Ego: Fuck Yeah ! This is amazing…This is soooo nice, awesome !
Me: What the hell am I doing here ?
Addicted Ego: Bro that was insane…get some sleep dude, we’re tired…catch you later.
Me: Damn…I feel like shit. Again. It has been years now since i first tried the nofap challenge and i never succesed. And these thoughts i have while I PMO, they are so fucked up.
As you can see, it took me a looong while to understand that the addicted ego is not really me. I started to question it, to unidentify with it. The following days i spent a lot of time reading about the ego and spirituality.
Some time later, i am about to go to sleep, lying in my bed, tilting my head to the side…and i see my phone in front of me. So here we go.
Addicted Ego: Hey buddy. Come on, lets watch some P.
Me: No. Im not doing that anymore. For good.
Addicted Ego: Aw come on, you know exactly how it is. PMO is all we have. It is our only way to get pleasure at all. I mean life sucks right ? We hate our job, we dont have a girlfriend and lets be honest, everything else sucks too. We need this. Okay ?
Me: You’re wrong. It all sucks because PMO is draining me , it takes away the energy that I need to focus on life and take care of all these problems I have. So please… just shut the hell up and leave me alone, just let me sleep and dont talk to me anymore.
Addicted Ego: Thats so stupid man. Well whatever, have it your way then. Asshole.
Quiet. It seemed kinda easy, i closed my eyes…tried to get some sleep. And after about 20 minutes…
Addicted Ego: Yo. It’s me again.
Me: What ?
Addicted Ego: Hey uhm. You remember that clip we watched not too long ago ? The one with our favorite actress, you know, that that particulary nasty one ?
Me: … What about it ?
Addicted Ego: I just …you know, I just noticed…we never finished it. I mean, we never saw the ending. I dont know about you, it’s just…im kinda curious.
Me: Yeah, whatever. I cant just go off watching it again.
Addicted Ego: Well we dont have to. Not all of it. We could just watch the ending, dont even have to touch ourselve. Come on.
Me: Just the ending ?
AE: Yeah. Just the ending…nothing more.
And so it happened again, of course i continued to watch one clip after another, relapsing again in the end.
AE: HEEEELLL YEAAAH THATS SO GOOD….damn now I’m tired, good night buddy.
ME: … This can’t be happening. This is so fucked up ! FUCK !!!
This moment truly felt like the worst relapse i ever had to go through. So much guilt and shame and hate and suffering. But giving up was not an option. I had to try again. And again. Ang again and again. It was either succeeding at this or die trying. Here’s the next significant conversation.
AE: Hey buddy. It really has been a while now. Come on, lets go for it one more time.
AE: What do you mean nope ? Come on man, it has been too long !
AE: Do we really have to go through this again ? Jesus , dont be so stubborn.
Me: You know what ? You can go fuck yourself. There is no WE, okay ? I am not you and you are not a part of me anymore.
AE: Uhm, I am. We are one. We have been together for over a decade, we are a team buddy. Now stop talking like this and turn on some nice P bro.
Me: Forget it. Im so sick of this. I know exactly what is going to happen if i listen to you now. I dont want this, stop talking to me.
AE: Whatever man, I’ll try again later.
So i managed to handle a huge wave of cravings that day, i went to bed and fell asleep. The next morning i heard that voice before i even opened my eyes.
AE: DUDE, WAKE UP ! Turn it on, man we need it right now, come on ! DO IT!
Me: Jesus, are you kidding me ? Shut the hell up.
AE: Dont do this to me man, dont do this to us. Come on , just a picture man, nothing more, just a pic, please man, come on !
Me: Well, i gotta get up and take a shower now and then id like to go to the woods for a run , i kinda feel fine today. You can be quiet now.
And i have to say, that day, i felt pretty good indeed. I was productive, i ran in the woods, played on my guitar, went to the gym. The days after were even better, i socialized a lot, even met a girl in the gym and talked to her. For a while there werent any of these conversations, i kinda lived life, focusing on the matter at hand, not even thinking about PMO or relapses or anything of that nature.
And then ,finally, something happened. I was aware of the fact that it would hit me eventually and it finally did, a big ass flatline. For a long time i didnt understand flatlines and always relapsed as soon as they hit me. But this time i knew exactly that a flatline is like an indicator that tells you „ Your brain is currently in repair mode. Will get better soon.“ So it kinda went down like this: I was veeery angry, no motivation at all to do anything, i even argued with everyone i talked to and they pissed me off big time. My friends, my mom, everyone. I still did not choose to stay in my room all day and avoid everyone because that would be a huuuge possibilty for my addicted ego to take over again. We still had a conversation though, it was like this.
AE: We have to do it. Now. PLEASE MAN, we have to do it, we need it !
ME: I dont need it. You need it. And you can go fuck yourself.
AE: Please,please dont do this to us. Dont you see that everything is turning to shit even more ? Everyone hates us, life sucks ! Come on, please lets pmo again, you have to do this you have to !
Me: Heres whats going to happen. I will watch you starve. You are a pain body , you belong to the addicted me that i used to be. But that is not who i am anymore so you gotta go, you gotta die. I will kill you, i will watch you starve and I will enjoy every second of it, you hear me you pathetic little shit ?
AE: NO! You cant do this, you NEED IT. YOU NEED IT !!!
Me: Shut the hell up, im going to the gym now, fuck you.
It was a hell of a struggle for quiet a while. I was so angry and was on my longest streak since like ever. Giving up was totally not an option for me, at this point , i even didnt care about that streak anymore. I wanted no pmo to be my new lifestyle and in order to achieve this lifestyle i had to kill off that addicted ego, at least that were my thoughts back then. The key to survival was staying busy. As soon as i went out to the gym, running in the woods, meeting people and so on , my addicted ego went silent. Only when I was alone ,by myself, in my room, i had to talk it down, argue, discuss, insult the shit out of it , let the anger flow but not give in to the temptations.
I used to take my phone in my hand, look at it and talk to my addictede ego.
Me: You see this ? You want some PMO ? Go get it. Come on. Try me.
Me: Whats up , huh ? Not even a picture ? You pathetic little shit, youre drowning. Youre starving. Youre dying.
I did this many times, everytime i felt a craving i just took my phone or put my laptop right in front of me and looked at it, thinking about how pathetic it is to turn it on , watch this discusting shit and jerk off to it. God , i did this for over a decade and it destroyed me. This is over. I am NEVER going back. And then….finally…
Light at the end of the tunnel.
It was early in the morning. I heard my thoughts in a clear, strong voice.
Ego: Get up.
Me: Whoa. It is pretty early.
Ego: You feel this energy bro ? Get the hell up and do something or you’ll explode man.
Me: Hell yeah, lets go !
It was the best feeling i felt in my life. Walking through the woods was soooooo awesone, the colors, the smell, the everything, being alive felt so good. All those benefits i read about, heard about, dreamed about…i felt them. I have to say that I did feel more energy, female attraction and other benefits before, but this…man, this is even bigger. The greatest benefit of nofap, at least to me, is becoming your true self. It was when I realized something, i will talk about it in a second, just let me tell you that when i realized it while i was walking through the woods, i was so happy that tears came running down my cheeks, i smiled. And yes, there was another conversation with my ego.
Me: Hey, whats up.
Me: We need to talk
Ego: I know. Lets talk.
Me: I was wrong back then, when I said that youre not a part of me and that i dont need you. You ARE a part of me. It wasnt you who made me suffer all this time after all. It was Pornography that poisoned us, turned us into a slave. It wasnt your fault. We were young, we didnt know anything about it. But you know what ? After all these years of suffering we finally defeated it. We are one now, we are free. Im not going back anymore and you, as a part of me, are now able to accept it.
Ego: So what’s next for us ?
Me: Oh, I’ll tell you. Lets find our purpose. Lets set goals. Lets get rid of all this other crap that drags us down. Let us conquer the world.
And we are not alone. There is a community with many many people like us, seeking the truth, fighting their own demons. We are one. We are strong. We are NoFap.