Posting here instead of my journal, can’t find the journal on this website and I SO prefer typing on a computer rather than a phone. I guess you guys can read it too now lol.
I had this feeling just a bit earlier that made me want to write down my feelings, about my budding desire to be with girls. But I caught myself and realized that this was very far from a budding desire, it’s not like I’m going through puberty or something. I’ve had this feeling for so long, but I never accepted it… I threw it out every time it entered my mind. Honestly I still feel that way, girls to me feel like a waste of time, and if it weren’t my parents showing me that someone can be successful, happy, and fulfilled without being with a partner I would immediately hold on to this feeling and run to the nearest girl. I get a lot of looks, like I mean A LOT of looks. But I just really don’t want to deal with the trouble of someone else’s life.
Sure, if I could get a dossier on each of them with a psych profile and know for sure that some girl was perfect for me, I would definitely go on some dates. But the little I’ve experienced of relationships in my life has shown me that all a girl will do is pull my attention away. I’ve seen it in countless friends, where they go for a girl and the rest of their lives start to suffer, but they feel that they have to be there because it’s necessary to be in a relationship for some reason. They don’t change the situation, even though they are irreparably slowing themselves down.
This logic is the only thing that is somewhat holding me back from approaching every girl I see, it stops me from approaching every person I see as a friend. My social anxiety left me 2 weeks ago, but I refuse to make new friends because those relationships will simply take away from my motivation to do anything else. Most people seem complacent, happy to stop pushing themselves, and that leaks into me like a sponge. I find myself in a hard situation, pursuing my goals and hitting every single one! I’m doing a full time job, I’m in college, and literally getting paid for my Masters degree. I work a lot, but I have plenty of time to finish my assignments and do my job. I know as soon as I get involved in someone else’s life, that shit goes out the window.
I don’t always want to be this busy, but it’s hard to deny it’s very good for me. I wake up at 3 am, go to the gym and head to work at 6. Work until 5, and go home make a delicious meal for me and my family and head to bed to start all over. I feel like I’m finally hitting all the marks, and I feel great! For once in my life I ignored people who said I needed friends, I needed social standing, I followed my own path and do more than what most people do in half the day. Best part, I can be myself, angry, happy, ecstatic, without someone else constantly fucking asking what’s wrong with me. I don’t have to reassure anyone else about how I’m acting and make up excuses. I don’t have to explain my addiction and have people say “Oh that’s not a real thing porn isn’t a real problem.” Well buddy, it’s a problem, and I’m fucking solving it.
I guess all I’m trying to say is people have been holding me back for most of my life, and now I’m free from them i can remake myself in exactly the way I want to. I don’t think this is sustainable, but when I feel centered, when I can finally say porn is in my past, maybe then I can worry about my lack of a social life. Or maybe I’ll like being alone so much I will stay alone, and learn so much more than others who just want to watch netflix all day. In the long run, I win both ways. Problem is I gotta stay on NoFap in order to get there.
The world more different every day, the previous day feels like it was last week, I think it’s absolutely insane the world literally changes colors in terms of my interpretation. I feel like I’m losing it, but I feel so good that I am losing it. I wanted to lose it, and the world is definitely gonna be a very different place at the end of this road. Though I’m not sure if it even has an end…