Summer's End (A Journal)

Posting here instead of my journal, can’t find the journal on this website and I SO prefer typing on a computer rather than a phone. I guess you guys can read it too now lol.

I had this feeling just a bit earlier that made me want to write down my feelings, about my budding desire to be with girls. But I caught myself and realized that this was very far from a budding desire, it’s not like I’m going through puberty or something. I’ve had this feeling for so long, but I never accepted it… I threw it out every time it entered my mind. Honestly I still feel that way, girls to me feel like a waste of time, and if it weren’t my parents showing me that someone can be successful, happy, and fulfilled without being with a partner I would immediately hold on to this feeling and run to the nearest girl. I get a lot of looks, like I mean A LOT of looks. But I just really don’t want to deal with the trouble of someone else’s life.

Sure, if I could get a dossier on each of them with a psych profile and know for sure that some girl was perfect for me, I would definitely go on some dates. But the little I’ve experienced of relationships in my life has shown me that all a girl will do is pull my attention away. I’ve seen it in countless friends, where they go for a girl and the rest of their lives start to suffer, but they feel that they have to be there because it’s necessary to be in a relationship for some reason. They don’t change the situation, even though they are irreparably slowing themselves down.

This logic is the only thing that is somewhat holding me back from approaching every girl I see, it stops me from approaching every person I see as a friend. My social anxiety left me 2 weeks ago, but I refuse to make new friends because those relationships will simply take away from my motivation to do anything else. Most people seem complacent, happy to stop pushing themselves, and that leaks into me like a sponge. I find myself in a hard situation, pursuing my goals and hitting every single one! I’m doing a full time job, I’m in college, and literally getting paid for my Masters degree. I work a lot, but I have plenty of time to finish my assignments and do my job. I know as soon as I get involved in someone else’s life, that shit goes out the window.

I don’t always want to be this busy, but it’s hard to deny it’s very good for me. I wake up at 3 am, go to the gym and head to work at 6. Work until 5, and go home make a delicious meal for me and my family and head to bed to start all over. I feel like I’m finally hitting all the marks, and I feel great! For once in my life I ignored people who said I needed friends, I needed social standing, I followed my own path and do more than what most people do in half the day. Best part, I can be myself, angry, happy, ecstatic, without someone else constantly fucking asking what’s wrong with me. I don’t have to reassure anyone else about how I’m acting and make up excuses. I don’t have to explain my addiction and have people say “Oh that’s not a real thing porn isn’t a real problem.” Well buddy, it’s a problem, and I’m fucking solving it.

I guess all I’m trying to say is people have been holding me back for most of my life, and now I’m free from them i can remake myself in exactly the way I want to. I don’t think this is sustainable, but when I feel centered, when I can finally say porn is in my past, maybe then I can worry about my lack of a social life. Or maybe I’ll like being alone so much I will stay alone, and learn so much more than others who just want to watch netflix all day. In the long run, I win both ways. Problem is I gotta stay on NoFap in order to get there.

The world more different every day, the previous day feels like it was last week, I think it’s absolutely insane the world literally changes colors in terms of my interpretation. I feel like I’m losing it, but I feel so good that I am losing it. I wanted to lose it, and the world is definitely gonna be a very different place at the end of this road. Though I’m not sure if it even has an end…


I don’t really have as much to talk about today. I really went on a rant yesterday (Or was it two days ago?) Starting to really lose track of time, every day feels kinda weird but it also feels like this is how it’s supposed to feel. I’m just really scared that at any point I could fall back into the hole and be right back at the start.

Just sticking to my schedule, gym in the morning, head to work and get some stuff done, and then go to a cafe to work a little more. Cook dinner and head to bed to repeat. Seems to be working well for me for the past 27 days. Never thought I’d get this far, but I think it’s absolutely necessary to make sure I make it all the way, finally put this part of my life behind me.


Wow I failed in the most embarrassing way possible. I don’t know if I can make it through this to be honest, because I failed in the men’s restroom. The only thing I can think of to prevent this in the future is to simply not have my phone on me. Fortunately I can forward my text messages from my phone to my browser to I won’t lose connectivity, but this is the worst because my addiction just crossed a major line. I don’t think I’ll end up fapping in public but I’m seriously just not sure how far I will go.

I think I might be boned, if I can’t get this by next May I’m done, I’ll just have to deal with the consequences, but I think I stand a good chance of going at least another 32 days with my current airtight strategy, I don’t get to spend really any time home, but that’s what I prefer anyway, I get to get a lot of work done this way. But I know the urges are coming, and I know how easy it is to fall into darkness.

If only I could connect with others! I feel so alone, and afraid, knowing that speaking to myself is probably the worst thing I can do, but who else can I talk to. To anyone reading this this isn’t a cry for help, I hate that shit, I’m just being really honest cause I came close a couple of times to being in a relationship and I trashed them. Trashed them because I had seriously wild goals and I knew that spending time in relationships would slow me down, worrying about someone else’s problems. I think it’s real fucking ironic I now want someone else to worry about my problems.

hahahaha I actually can’t stop thinking how I really put myself in this absolutely shitty situation, like the worst situation anyone could’ve possibly come up with. I mean there’s heroin addiction, but I bet a heroin addict can’t get away with doing his drug in the fucking bathroom of his workplace. I bet a fucking heroin addict would get prevented from going into places. This addiction, there’s nothing like it, it’s socially acceptable, most people do it, there’s a help community out there but you really gotta work to find people I mean I TRIED accountability partners and boyo did that fuck up. Was it my fault? Absolutely yeah I’m a terrible accountability partner.

Oh boy, I’m having a breakdown I think.

I’ll make it out of this right?

Fuck me

Three years ago I fapped in a McDonald’s restroom while being on a journey… I promised myself 100times that this NoFap will push me into my dream accomplishment and still I struggled for years. And here I am, having again a streak that fulfills me to the depth of my soul, showing me ever new secrets of life.
Don’t call it an addiction… You are in a battle between inner God and inner animal, that’s what a human being is. We are in between and we are here to grow.
Keep going. Keep pushing. Forever. And things will come to you according to your level.

Thanks for that Svami, it helps to know someone can make it past such a low point.

Okay here we are again, day 1 and I’m feeling like everyone is judging me, but from what I’ve experienced in the 32 day streak before, that’s literally all in my head, my god it is tearing me apart inside. I just wish I could do what I’ve seen others do constantly, find someone to relate with and go into a relationship. I know it’s not the perfect answer but at least it’s a step forward, because right now it feels like I’m stuck in a pit and I can’t get out.

So here I am in a cafe, with work to do and I can’t get them out of my head. It’s like someone has put up roadblocks in my way of thinking to prevent me from working efficiently, there’s absolutely no way I can work efficiently like this.

I’m going to try to put on some music and power through, who knows how far I can get though.