I am doing nofap because i want to search & know if the masters are true !! Is there bigger pleasures in life than pmo/sex/orgasm.
For this i must endure this journey and steer my ship upto some months/years to find out the truth. Yes. This hard mode journey is the biggest adventure in the world and i must show courage and perseverance.
Original post
This is INSANE. Right ?
I am happy. I relapse. I am depressed. I relapse. Is this necessary ? Is Hell necessary ? Relapse is Hell. Yes . It is torture. Soul burning. Soul crying. No Help is coming. Lying in bed. Staying at this house like a prisoner of my own. 4 walls. Eating, drinking, breathing, talking, sleeping, walking. Same shitful life. Daily. No meaning. This is Numbness. This is Hell.
Countless diaries made. Burned. Countless streak wallpapers changed. Messaged people. Sorry ! I relapsed again !! Like what . Clap for this coward. He deserve some … Here we go again. Damn.
Can’t just bitch here all the frustration because the pain is too long. Believe me. Pain is Real. I am writing this, it means i am still alive. From this moment onwards i am writing again.
Success story Part 2.
Even after making all the arrangements and setting a new wallpaper, new topic, new motivation. I relapsed twice today.
Hopefuly tomorrow i will write about my day 1 and begin my journey again.
Enjoy bro, what you’re seeking for is also seeking for you. Timings,way,pain can be different but if you’re making efforts it will come to you, god will show a way. Believe him, you’re a great soul.
4th relapse today morning. There were urges at night which i easily dealed with. Today morning again there were urges which i didnt resisted. Hence, again falled.
Condition is like Body is Master and i am just obeying like a good servent. The Masters say this is not the truth. I hope so. Today, i am far from mastery. If masters are true, why i am living my life in this hell serving like a slave.
I am doing nofap because i want to search & know if the masters are true !! Is there bigger pleasures in life than pmo/sex/orgasm.
For this i must endure this journey and steer my ship upto some months/years to find out the truth. Yes. This hard mode journey is the biggest adventure in the world and i must show courage and perseverance.
I am going to shave my head and beard as a ritual to begin my journey. Beside the act being a symbol my aim is to let the hairs grow again with the strength of the energy. My hair were very strong & thick black in colour. Due to weakness few hairs have turned white before age and also the bald pathces are getting wider. Lets restore the order.
Just now i had suicidal thoughts. Never felt so weak & lost. Height of depression. I have my family and it is strange that just moments ago. All thoughts were against my existance in this world. All those negative words which were said by my friends & family reflected in the mind. One of them was 》 you are a disgrace to the family. You should die.
This line was said by a close family member just few months back and i slightly agreed because just now i am so much down. Lying in a dark room, felt like crying and i couldnt just some hiccups in my belly and the pain went upto the throat but couldnt cry.
Even the tears have deserted me. Such emptiness is inside.
Felt relieved now. My mother has given me some food to eat
There was anxiety in the morning. Shaved my head & beard for regrowth of fresh & strong hairs. There were urges in the morning.
Again there were urges around 11:30 am in morning. Sudden noises in environment makes me anxious & fearful, my thoughts get stuck in it and my mind start running in other direction, in middle of this chaos, confusion occurs and body starts running away in lost decision & blind folded like a man walking in sleep. Foggy mind & thoughts. No focus.
Listened Geeta by rajneesh. Throat got irritated due to cold lassi and felt cold due to naked head scalp. Took out winter clothes & bandana.
Urges again came at around 4:45 pm in evening.
Yesterday night was tough. Unable to sleep for long due to cold. Running nose. Took steam. I left the situation to god because i felt helpless. Soon i slept.
In day when i was aimlessly scrooling through youtube. Again i saw erotic pic thumbnail and aimlessly clicked on it. Soon realised my mistake and closed the app. The exact same pattern as earlier relapse. I am determined now for my recovery.
Suffering from cold & cough Due to my weak immunity. Thanks to the 4 orgasms.
I used to write my day activities on a note and then write them all here at night. From today, i am going to just keep editing here on the particular day post.
11:40 a.m
Listened to Geeta. Very important lesson. Krishna had given a message to Arjuna that keep doing your work without worrying for Results. Leave the results in the hands of God. This kind of work is called NisKamaKarma.
Last night was very irritated due to running nose. Again Found sleep with Gods help. Here NiskamaKarma worked when i left the sleep to the mercy of God because i have no control over my sleep.
Actualy i have no control even on my breathing. My body is totaly working on automatic mode. The heart, lungs, kidneys all parts are doing their work without my consent.
7:45 p.m
Did a lot of walking inside home. Feeling better from cold. Slept nicely for half an hour.
3:30 p.m
I have become more sensitive & i have more self respect for myself now. Some people make laugh of me. This brings feeling of anger in me. I have to ignore them and continue my upheaval.
Cold is getter better and now i have no problem at night during sleep.
Wanted to spent some time in family. Good feeling, doesnt want to stay alone.
2:05 p.m
Did my first workout of this streak, i was motivated for it and i nailed it. Last night, clicked some pics of mine nearly naked so that i can always remember this time in my life. This pathetic body and the hell associated with it.
Today my whole family was asking for me to consult a counseller for depression. Actualy they have been a constant poke to me since some days. Always saying that you look so weak. You should do this, you should eat that, are you depressed. And i told them that you all are my counsellors and i dont want any pschotic drugs. I have a better solution for my problems and i am going to be better soon.
Nearly got my right leg joint twisted when i was trying to pull up a heavy box trying to place it on top of the shelf. Oh god ! Family is right. My body has become a skelton. Every bone visible. I must stay preseverance this time and heal my body for the best.
7:00 p.m
I remember when in 2017 i was running in outside fields and it was summer time, my T-shirt got wet with my sweat, how i removed it and run in open with half naked body. It was an extraordinary feeling. No social anxiety. Complete male adreline rushing into the veins. I was so pumped up & confident that day. I can bring that power back.
1:25 p.m
Made 11 sprints in my backyard in morning.
Did my chest workout.
Had a huge boner when i woke up.
Yesterday night i measured my chest, biceps, legs, waist, neck etc. The purpose is to compare it on same day next year. Ordered a weight machine online. Soon i will measure my weight.
3:30 p.m
Listened to geeta and realized about my self hypnosis/Maya.
Trigger Warning
Summary
I was watching a video and there was a women who was showing her garden and its plants & vegetables. The video was informative but my self hyonosis happened there. When the women was showing the vegetables hanging on trees. The vegetables were long and had shape like a dick. Not realy like dicks, i mean just long and round. As she was touching it and pulling. I got hypnotized as she is holding a cock and pulling it.
