I would like to talk about the struggle &
The conversations I had with myself during my Relapsesâ:disappointed_relieved:
Addicted Ego:Hey buddy. Come on, lets watch some Porn.
Me:No. Im not doing that anymore. For goodđ
Addicted Ego: come on, you know exactly how it is. PMO is all we have. It is our only way to get pleasure at all. I mean life sucks right ? We hate our job, we dont have a girlfriend and lets be honest, everything else sucks too. We need this.Okay?
Me:Youâre wrong.It all sucks because PMO is draining me , it takes away the energy that I need to focus on life and take care of all these problems I have. So please⊠just shut the hell up and leave me alone, just let me sleep and dont talk to me anymore.
Addicted Ego:Thats so stupid man. Well whatever, have it your way then. Asshole.
Quiet. It seemed kinda easy, i closed my eyesâŠtried to get some sleep. And after about 20 minutesâŠ
Addicted Ego:Yo. Itâs me again.
Me:What ?A peek will be considered a relapse now. No matter what, no peeks. Edging is also a relapse now.
Addicted Ego: Hey.You remember that clip we watched not too long ago ? The one with our favorite actress, you know, that that particulary nasty one ?
Me: âŠWhat about it ?FUCK YOU BRAIN,itâs not natural to do itđ .NO,I donât wanna feel pleasure in watching an other girl getting fucked in positions in which she definitely canât feel pleasure. NO!! i donât wanna see a girl getting fucked by stranger guy, getting slapped and gagged!!! WHAT THE FUCK how can I find that hot??
Addicted Ego: I just âŠyou know, I just noticedâŠwe never finished it. I mean, we never saw the ending. I dont know about you, itâs justâŠim kinda curious.
Me: Yeah, whatever. I cant just go off watching it again.
Addicted Ego: Well we dont have to. Not all of it. We could just watch the ending, dont even have to touch ourselve. Come on.
Me: Just the ending ?
AE EGO: Yeah. Just the endingâŠnothing more.
Me: HmâŠFine
And so it happened again, of course i continued to watch one clip after another, relapsing again in the end.
AE EGO: HEEELLL YEAAAH THATS SO GOODâŠ.damn now Iâm tired, good night buddy.
ME: ⊠This canât be happening. This is so fucked up ! FUCK !!!
This moment truly felt like the worst relapse i ever had to go through. So much guilt and shame and hate and suffering. But giving up was not an option. I had to try again. And again. Ang again and again. It was either succeeding at this or die trying. Hereâs the next significant conversation.
AE Ego: Hey buddy. It really has been a while now. Come on, lets go for it one more time.
Iâll just see whatâs newâŠ
ME: Thereâs nothing new. Nothing. âOh, look, itâs shot from a slightly different angle.â âWow, that girl has BROWN hair instead of blonde!â âWow, that guyâs dick is big!â
There is literally NOTHING new. Nothing worth any of your time.
Nope.
AE: What do you mean nope ? Come on man, it has been too long !
Me: Nope.
BUT FUCK NOđĄ!!! STUPID BRAIN. STOP TRYING TO CHEAT ME INTO SOMEHTING I DONâT WANNA DO!!
Which animal watches his mates fucking without doing it too? Which animal feels pleasure in sitting in front of a screen in the bath room where youâre supposed to shit and fucking do it on your own??? Which animal masturbates daily for hours???
AE: Do we really have to go through this again ?
dont be so stubborn.
But I need to jerk off to get to sleep!
ME: No, you need to exercise, stop drinking coffee after 2pm, and maybe take a sleeping aid or drink some chamomile tea. There are a lot of different ways you can get yourself tired.Me: You know what ? There is no WE, okay ? I am not you and you are not a part of me anymore. So i managed to handle a huge wave of cravings that day, i went to bed and fell asleep. The next morning i heard that voice before i even opened my eyes.
AE EGO: Hey, youâve been on a long streak lately. One look PMO session canât really set u back all that far, can it?
ME: Yes, it can. First off, thereâs the chaser effect, which will make it a hell of a lot harder to get back on track. Second, you know for a fact that youâre going to feel like shit the whole rest of the day, at least. Third, if you start the cycle of self-hatred again after you realize that you broke your long streak, youâre likely going to binge. Hard.
And honestly, binging is the only real thing that will truly require you to COMPLETELY start all over again, from square one.
AE: DUDE, WAKE UP ! Turn it on, man we need it right now, come on ! DO IT!
Me:are you kidding me?
AE EGO: Dont do this to me man, dont do this to us. Come on , just a picture man, nothing more, just a pic, please man, come on !
Me: Well, i gotta get up and take a shower now and then id like to go to the woods for a run , i kinda feel fine today. You can be quiet now.
And i have to say, that day, i felt pretty good indeed. I was productive, i ran in the woods, played on my guitar, went to the gym. The days after were even better, i socialized a lot, even met a girl in the gym and talked to her. For a while there werent any of these conversations, i kinda lived life, focusing on the matter at hand, not even thinking about PMO or relapses or anything of that nature.
And then ,finally, something happened. I was aware of the fact that it would hit me eventually and it finally did, a big ass flatline. For a long time i didnt understand flatlines and always relapsed as soon as they hit me. But this time i knew exactly that a flatline is like an indicator that tells you â Your brain is currently in repair mode.â So it kinda went down like this: I was veeery angry, no motivation at all to do anything, i even argued with everyone i talked to and they pissed me off big time. My friends, my mom, everyone. I still did not choose to stay in my room all day and avoid everyone because that would be a huuuge possibilty for my addicted ego to take over again. We still had a conversation though, it was like this.
AE EGO: We have to do it. Now. PLEASE MAN, we have to do it, we need it !
ME: I dont need it. You need it. And you can go fuck yourself.
AE EGO: Please,please dont do this to us. Dont you see that everything is turning to shit even more ? Everyone hates us, life sucks ! Come on, please lets pmo again, you have to do this you have to !
Me: Heres whats going to happen. I will watch you starve. You are a pain body , you belong to the addicted me that i used to be. But that is not who i am anymore so you gotta go, you gotta die. I will kill you, i will watch you starve and I will enjoy every second of it, you hear me you pathetic little shit ?
AE: NO! You cant do this, you NEED IT. YOU NEED IT !!!
Me: Shut the hell up, im going to the gym now, fuck you.
It was a hell of a struggle for quiet a while. I was so angry and was on my longest streak since like ever. Giving up was totally not an option for me, at this point , i even didnt care about that streak anymore. I wanted no pmo to be my new lifestyle and in order to achieve this lifestyle i had to kill off that addicted ego, at least that were my thoughts back then. The key to survival was staying busy. As soon as i went out to the gym, running in the woods, meeting people and so on , my addicted ego went silent. Only when I was alone ,by myself, in my room, i had to talk it down, argue, discuss, insult the shit out of it , let the anger flow but not give in to the temptations.
I used to take my phone in my hand, look at it and talk to my addictede ego.
Me: You see this ? You want some PMO ? Go get it. Come on. Try me.
AE: âŠâŠ R u okay?
Me: Whats up ? Not even a picture ? You pathetic little shit, youre drowning. Youre starving. Youre dying.
I did this many times, everytime i felt a craving i just took my phone or put my laptop right in front of me and looked at it, thinking about how pathetic it is to turn it on , watch this discusting shit and jerk off to it. God , i did this for over a decade and it destroyed me. This is over. I am NEVER going back.
Me: I was wrong back then, when I said that youre not a part of me and that i dont need you. You ARE a part of me. It wasnt you who made me suffer all this time after all. It was Pornography that poisoned us, turned us into a slave. It wasnt your fault. We were young, we didnt know anything about it. But you know what ? After all these years of suffering we finally defeated it. We are one now, we are free. Im not going back anymore and you, as a part of me, are now able to accept it.
Ego: So whatâs next for us ?
Me: When you come face to face with triggers, just remember their true nature, they are like magnets. Sure you can stay there and fight against them. But sooner or later your willpower will run out and you will fall into them. Doesnât it always happen?.We lie to ourselves that we want to see this interesting but somewhat sexual and triggering video, Season or Anime . We try to focus on plot and ignore urges initially. But always relapse sooner or later due to them.
So what can you do?.
Itâs simple. Just move out of their magnetic field of sexual attraction. Close your mobile. THE HELL WITH THE PLOT. RELAPSE IS IMMINENT UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING. Delete that movie or season and close your computer. Get as far away from the screen and triggers as possible and go drink a glass of water or take a walk and meanwhile TALK TO YOURSELF IN THE HEAD⊠THIS IS JUST THE DOPAMINE RUSH THAT NEEDS MOREâŠITâS IS A FAKE PROMISE OF PLEASURE⊠I REMEMBER HOW BAD I FELT THE LAST TIME I RELAPSED. I AM STRONGER THAN SOME PIXELS.
Have a pre written meditation and urge killer paragraph or note to yourself that you can read. Do some push-ups and talk to your family and friends.
if we take urges as something natural, a part of resetting, why scared of it if we know its going to come, we dont need to distract ourselves.
Embrace the pain. Whatever happens porn is not an option. Porn is destroying normal relations. Well most urges hit a person unexpectedly the best thing is to calm yourself down. I know at the start a quick wash down there have aroused some urges. The best thing is to avoid touching should you feel that way and wash another part of you until you feel better. But in general just try not to think about it too much by occupying your thoughts with something like reading or a hobby that you have.
