Day 16. Got back to Swordsman status!
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Alright! Congratulations! Keep up the good work! 
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Day 21 - almost completed three weeks. Gaining my zest for adventure again. Wrestling with whether or not I should try to date this amazing and beautiful woman I met. Am I ready for that? What about telling her about my past struggles with PMO?
I dread the thought of telling someone like her about that kind of ugliness. But if I hope to end up marrying her I suppose she should know. Maybe I’m getting way ahead of myself here. Anyway, I shouldn’t let shame hold me back. I’m clean and forgiven because of what Christ did for me. But it’s still a scary thought.
Anyway…a little over an hour until the 4th week begins. Reading Joseph Conrad now. No longer in as much of a Lovecraft mood.
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You may regret it later if you tell her
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Day 25.
Longest “streak” since joining! Less than 2 hours to 25 days completed. Some urges threatening to develop this evening, but they passed. I bought a game as a strategy to get my brain off of PMO. I had been thinking the game was too expensive, but it’s worth $50 to me not to relapse. In the end, it’s taking all night to download and the temptation to relapse is mostly gone, but now I have Cities Skylines 2 to look forward to. Should help tomorrow, since I now have the game on my mind instead of masturbation.
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Day 29 (28 days completed)
Not sure if 28 days (4 weeks) counts as a month, or if it has to be 30 days. Or if it has to be the same date as the last relapse 
Anyway…
Cities Skylines 2 seems to have been a decent short-term strategy. One of the most enjoyable games I have played for a while. But I need to be careful there too. Playing games is better than PMO, but it can still eat into my prayer and Bible study time, as well as my sleep.
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Day 30.
988 is the suicide and crisis hotline.
Saw another post on here about suicide. It makes my heart ache to see people suffering with this so much. If anyone is reading this and has been thinking about suicide, there is hope. There is always hope. Text or call 988.
Also I bring up the Gospel in this app now and then. I didn’t expect to be on here preaching when I joined. But the despair that I see here makes me feel like I need to speak up sometimes. Someone once said that evangelism “is one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread”. As a beggar who has found peace and forgiveness through Jesus Christ, how can I keep it to myself when I see others suffering as I have suffered - and worse than I have -and not tell them how to find hope? He died for us so that we could be reconciled to God. He took our shame and guilt. Trust Him - recieve Him as Lord and Savior, and accept the forgiveness that He bought for you. Stop carrying it all on your own shoulders.
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Day 38
Today has been a little rough. Some urges this evening. I thought having some tea might help, and it may have helped some. I also downloaded another game to play. But now I’m in that state where I’m physically tired, but kind of wired and having difficulty resting.
Edit: been looking at the memes in Our Small World for a while. Those memes really help sometimes. I’m not exactly sure why. Somehow laughter helps when I have urges.
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Day 40 
It seems to be getting easier. The memes helped me get through the other night, but it felt like a close call. Still, I think a good dose of laughter is more effective for me than a cold shower. I suspect that there is some brain chemistry involved.
It seems like each time I have the urges and win, it gets easier the next time.
Feeling a lot better…more normal…these days.
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Day 42
6 weeks completed. I thought it was worth a post anyway.
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Day 44
Had some temptation this evening. Strange how relapsing can seem so tempting sometimes. I went for a walk, and that seemed to help. Tomorrow (technically the day after tomorrow around 12:15am) I will be halfway to 90 days.
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Feeling some temptation again today. I think I will have a cup of tea and go for a hike. I bought a water filter for outdoor adventures, and I might give it a try if I find any water. I also bought a compass, because last time I went hiking at this place I got lost in the woods as it was getting dark. It wouldn’t have worried me so much except that I was afraid my Jeep might get towed… That was something of an adventure though 
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Day 0-1
I apologize to everyone for letting you all down. Again.
Let’s see if I can trace the steps that led to my failure today. Not to make excuses, but to analyze my thoughts and actions to gain some military intelligence in this battle.
Last night I had a dream that involved a fetish of mine. I felt tempted to explore it again this morning, feeling the temptation all through Church and after waking up from a nap. It was one of those days where I felt almost like I was going to fail from the beginning. I think I should have done something more decisive to deal with it earlier. I even started to post in here but stopped for some reason - maybe part of me was wanting to give in, to be honest.
Sometimes I think to myself that this fetish of mine can have a harmless component to it - actually, it is harmless for most people and not a fetish at all. I’m one of the few people that sexualizes it. So sometimes I think, maybe I can find someone who is interested in this - maybe there is some legitimate way to explore this desire and find the woman of my dreams to marry. It’s just sometimes that I think that way. I suppose it provides an excuse for me, and I start thinking that a little internet searching won’t hurt too much.
That takes me to this afternoon. Here there seems to be some uncertainty. I realized the futility of what I was doing and went outside for a walk. But by the time I came back the urges were hitting kind of hard, and my will to fight was slipping away.
Finally, I went back to the old “pseudo-■■■■” that has been plaguing me for about a year or so. I continued to tell myself it might be OK because I wasn’t looking at anyone - just objects (another fetish besides the earlier one). And that was that.
So, lessons learned so far:
(1) Be ruthless. I can’t entertain risky thoughts or behavior for even a moment. Might as well open a hole in a boat “for just a moment”.
(2) Find some way to break out of that feeling of inevitability that I get sometimes. I will feel throughout the day (like today) that I’m going to fail at some point. Sometimes having tea and doing something like taking a walk or watching TV will break it, I think. The trouble is, it feels like there is this eroding of my desire to fight the urges at times. Like I don’t really want to fight, or something. It’s that Jekyll and Hyde thing. Hyde tries to reassert himself. Hard to explain. But it’s part of the reason I need to stay ruthless and vigilant and not give any ground whatsoever. The slope is too slippery.
(3) I need to stay in prayer. I did some quick, “help me” praying today, but perhaps if I had approached it with a little more seriousness it would have been helpful. I really need to switch my mind off of this track when it starts. And prevent it from ever getting there if I can, really. I tend to do most of my praying before bed at night - maybe I will start praying more in the morning. That makes sense, come to think of it - if I expect to be attacked throughout the day I should ask for help at the beginning of the day.
Maybe I should sign up for something like Covenant Eyes. That might be something to consider.
Anyway. 45 days, now back to 0. But I don’t plan to give up anytime soon, and 45 was the longest since I joined this app. So I’m hopeful.
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Hey, 45 days is great! I know that’s not your end goal, but that’s still a great success! Don’t look at it as letting us down. You’ve just shown yourself and us that you can do more than you thought was previously possible! Keep trusting in God, and He will help you in this battle! We’re here for you, too! If you do decide to go with Covenant Eyes, I know that Isaac with Men On Mission on YouTube has a link in the description of most of his videos where you can get it for 30 days free. Feel free to check him out! He’s got a lot of good videos that have been a help and an encouragement!
(120) Men on Mission - YouTube
God Bless You, Brother!
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Thanks.
Day 6
I accidentally deleted the app the other day, and my information was apparently not saved when I re installed it. So my count says 4 days, but I have really completed about 5, I think. I think it was around 10:30pm when I failed last.
Anyway, feeling a little better now. Not surprisingly the first day or two was a little rough, but I was also really busy so I didn’t have a lot of time to brood.
I have an opportunity to apply for missions work overseas. This was a bit unexpected, and has caused me to do some self reflection. Where am I spiritually? I feel as though I have drifted some over the past months. The masturbation may be a symptom of that. Or maybe it has contributed to the problem. Anyway, I didn’t realize how much my focus has gotten off of God and on building His kingdom.
If I pursue this opportunity, they want to have a 1.5 to 2 hour long phone meeting to talk about it, part of which is so that they can find out where I am spiritually. Interviews scare me anyway, but one that is two hours long and might cover topics that I’m frankly embarrassed about - that sounds rather terrifying. And that fear and self consciousness in turn makes me wonder about my spiritual readiness.
Then again, the longer it has been since I failed the better I feel. Maybe it won’t be as terrifying as I fear.
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That’s so awesome that God has opened the door for you for this opportunity! I’ll certainly be praying for you as you approach this interview! 
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Thanks. We’ll see how things go. I have been feeling rather iffy about it - someone who looks at women’s shoes and masturbates every couple of weeks doesn’t seem like a likely candidate for overseas missions. And someone who is afraid to talk about their own weakness even less so. I know we’re saved by grace through faith, and not by our works, but being a citizen of a kingdom and being a front-lines soldier aren’t necessarily the same thing. Being a soldier takes discipline.
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That’s understandable, too. I can see your apprehension with accepting the position under those circumstances. Whatever your choice is in the matter, I’m sure that you’ll make the right one, and either way, I’ll still be praying for God’s guidance in your life!
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Day 11
10 days completed, despite what the app says 
Actually, I just woke up from having a wet dream. Some people might count that as a relapse, but I guess it depends on what your goal is. I want to avoid sin, and to cut out a harmful habit. A dream feels more like something that happened to me than something that I actually did. I would hardly say that I was in full possession of my faculties at the time. And I don’t feel physically or emotionally the same as after a relapse. It might be a bit of a vague area, but that’s one of the difficulties of being overly legalistic here.
But for those keeping score at home and disagree, you can count it as a relapse.
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I’m gonna side with you on that, because it’s technically not something you could help. In dreams, there is somewhat of a lack of control.
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