Day 0 but I’m starting again
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How are you feeling now?
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Getting back on track after a 38 day streak, it won’t be easy to get to 90 days but I will eventually. I’m expecting a few false starts.
I’m back following a programme, getting my motivation back, it takes time. Thanks for asking hope you are making progress as well…
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2 days clean,
A fresh start after a Sat eve binge that cost me going to church on Sunday, something I had planned and wanted to do.
Since then I’ve started paying for acc2u again on a monthly basis. I’ve been paying for it for years and years too little effect and yet the moment I knew it was soon to expire a risky period I was fully aware of and combined with some unprocessed anger at God, life, self, everything I ended up relapsing multiple times. It wasn’t enough to end my streak I had to completely trash it for some reason…
But it’s ok the deterrent is back and installed on my pc and phone and active.
It did actually stop me half heartedly relapsing recently so it’s working at the moment. I suppose it always was a deterrent it just was never an absolute block and I’ve realised in recent years that mindset is more important than all the blocking software combined. A right mindset towards p0rn addiction and blocking/accountability software is a good combination.
Definitely I would recommend some blocks and barriers to make accessing p0rn much harder and not anonymous but it’s not the solution on it’s own.
So now I have to get a strong mindset again. Do I want to quit pmo?
Well Yes and at some level when it gets tough No. Right now I’m keen to quit.
Need to stay in that frame.
So much in life apart from p0rn as a friend has said. What the hell are we doing?
There is so much more to life than doing ‘that’
Ok
Preemptive:
To stop myself from indulging in any sx fantasies or ogling or p.fishing (difficult with software anyway)
To not entertain any ideas of bypassing software (which will alert acc partner)
To not entertain ideas of accessing content in a way not monitorable although more awkward as won’t be able to indulge in my room. To not entertain that thought.
To message a friend when I’m feeling under pressure.
To remind myself that I was the one who reinstalled and paid for acc2u once Again, no one is forcing me to use the software, pay for the software, pay for the self mastery app and courses (reforged man at the mo). No one forced me to set up an accountability relationship with a friend but I did all of this, ALL OF THIS because pmo was wrecking my confidence, stopping me from going out, increasing the ocd, increasing existing shame issues in short having a thoroughly negative affect upon me. It was and is completely at odds with my values and was offering nothing in return except for a quick high ok sometimes a prolonged time of escapism and sexual tension/'pleasure ’ and while yes pleasurable to some extent honestly pmo I find to be quite stressful with all of the hiding away and checking I’ve bypassed software correctly and checking my door is shut and curtains are closed, over and over and over again.
That’s not enjoyable overall.
Clearing actions then are: messaging a friend, going on the self mastery mark queppet app to read posts, going for a walk, cool showering, looking again at my anchor vision and I still need to work on this: responsive metascripting which is self talk as I understand it.
Certainly if I’m in a temptation zone I need to get out of it anyway possible, strategies as described.
Finally
Brain Bridging
I love a good night’s sleep, waking with the knowledge I resisted urges last night and today I feel good and stronger.
I love being pmo free, not lusting,not ogling, not being a slave to pmo, not at the mercy of urges, I enjoy the discomfort because it makes me realise I can master myself, I can handle cold and sexual tension knowing I’m becoming a better, stronger, happier more joyful, more focused person.
I HATE being a slave to these urges, feeling weak, out-of sync with my true self, shame based, guilty. I HATE the deceptiveness of p0rn.
I Hate what pmo has done to me.
I hate the time and energy it wastes and the years I’ve wasted on it and I hate the way my addict self is still lying to me trying to justify using and minimising the effects of pmo addiction
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Nearly 4 days on my counter from my last fail on Sun afternoon.
I’m keen to get back on track and honestly acc2u software for all of my mixed criticism of it as being insufficient to keep a person on a streak or at least insufficient on it’s own to deliver a person from p0rn addiction, has kept me from failing these last few days.
This early period after binge failing on and off for several days is a vulnerable time and so this software has been really useful.
Knowing I have a friend who will message me and ask me how I’m doing particularly after an alert is really helpful, I need people to hold me accountable without being controlling or overbearing.
Perhaps better than that would be to be so self motivated that such accountability would be unnecessary but that state of mind could be a little way off for me.
Let’s all support eachother in this journey away from p0rn addiction and also remind ourselves why we started this journey in the first place…
Why are you on the rewire forum?
Why have you made numerous commitments to stop watching p0rn and masturbating ?
What kind of life can you envision for yourself as a p0rn free man or woman?
Can you even imagine never watching p0rn again?
What has pmo/p0rn watching ever done for you?
Has it helped you get more qualifications, advanced your career, strengthened your relationships, left you feeling deeply satisfied and fulfilled, made you money, taught you valuable lessons about life, enabled you to become a more relaxed and centred person, helped you spiritually in your connection with God?
?
I can’t think of pmo as useful in any single way can you?
Even if I could find one benefit it wouldn’t outweigh all of the huge drawbacks to this activity.
Ok so we know it’s not helpful so now what, I mean that won’t stop me when massive urges hit me like a damned tidal wave will it?
No it’s not enough to know why you shouldn’t be doing something and that its totally unhelpful.
We need a strategy.
For that I recommend writing out a strong and compelling vision for living p0rn free, a strong vision for the rest of your life that can’t include p0rn because you’re so damned busy, happy, motivated and living life to the damned full.
A vision in which you find and enjoy a romantic and happy relationship with a real person not needing bs fantasy, a vision of success in career and life in general.
Your vision is unique to you.
Just make it compelling for you.
Also preemptive journalling, retroactive and responsive journalling.
For that I’ll refer readers to Mark Queppets content.
I’m still practising and working on these methods but I found success using preemptive journalling getting to 38 days
Time is passing by
Your life is passing you by
Live your best life
Start today
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Relapse on day 5
A binging session, so need to reevaluate my strategy
My mindset hasn’t been right since I lost my 38 day streak by binging multiple times and that has been the problem. If I had just masturbated without p then I believe getting back onto a high streak would have been much much easier, now I really have to work hard to get a good streak and stay clean.
I believe I can get there. I believe we all can.
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Chaser effect is no joke you should always stay onguard
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Day 7
Thanks @Forerunner for the chats and accountability
Accountability2u has been helping but it’s not foolproof but it’s a useful deterrent
Mark Queppet programme have to get back to that
Preemptives for tonight and tomorrow:
If I feel tempted I will act decisively by clicking away from dodgy websites/websites that have tempting ads for example
If really pressured will LEAVE, move away from the PC
If urges will msg friend
Will read posts on self mastery forum
Tomorrow I am going to church if not churches I am in the least GOING to my usual afternoon service because I WANT TO GO!
And I don’t want to Fck that up with a POINTLESS PMO BS session!
Day 7 yes feeling good and more committed, more motivated. Thanks Dr Trish Leigh for the podcasts too they have been Bloody useful
One Life (before eternity)
Live your best life
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Love that
Stay strong brother
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Day 6,
Haven’t really been on top of things lately.
Aspects of my life are toxic, difficult, very challenging, very frustrating and make me want to act out in violence.
On the positive I’ve been reading Christian material and honestly it has helped.
So I’ve been acting out in anger but not with pmo recently so I guess that’s progress?
What has worked recently is just forcing myself to think ahead to how I will feel after a session, that has been bloody effective.
I figured recently and with absolute unquestionable accuracy that to pmo late Sat not might but absolutely will mean I do not get to go to church on Sun which means I have a lonely shitty fucking bollocks day and i didn’t want a fucking bloody shitty day so i chose correctly and fucked off those urges.
So that has helped.
Watched some @Forerunner videos
Haven’t been following the reforged man course I am paying for! Need/MUST get back to that.
Another day in which to make good, positive, life affirming choices.
Avoiding toxic people, toxic thoughts, toxic behaviour.
Onwards
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That PMO domino effect is very familiar. We always have to consider the consequences. A session may feel good for the moment, but is it worth further ruining my life?